Article 13305 of alt.usenet.kooks:
From: coop@cs.bu.edu (J. Cooper)
Date: 4 Apr 1995 18:58:53 GMT
Organization: Creative Truth for School Children

USENET Police (UPD@policedept.net) wrote:
: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF THE USENET POLICE DEPARTMENT LIKE THAT!!!!!!!
: YOUR PARENTS WILL BE CONTACTED SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
: DO THEY KNOW YOU ARE SMOKING HEMP?????????? THEY WILL SOON!!!!!!!!

Dear

 [ ] dummy       [ ] useless SOB          [ ] president@whitehouse.gov
 [ ] newbie      [ ] ignorant AOL-type    [ ] False Prophet
 [X] Pink Boy    [ ] ignoramus, misc.     [ ] (insert your name here)

   You are being sent this letter/flame because

 [ ] you posted some crap that doesn't belong in this group
 [ ] you posted a "test" to someplace other than alt.test
 [ ] you posted a request for an article which was posted three
     times in the past week
 [ ] you posted a request for a mythical gif
 [ ] I am sleep-netting again and am unaware of my actions
 [ ] you didn't look in the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) file before 
     posting your question
 [ ] you said something   [X] pointlessly rude   [ ] incomprehensible
                          [X] dangerously inaccurate
 [ ] you posted an inanely stupid and illegal 'Make Money Fast' article
 [ ] I left a terminal with my account logged in and someone found it
 [ ] you posted public request for adult FTP sites instead of email
 [ ] you posted a [f]ollowup when you should have made a [r]eply
 [ ] your .sig is larger than anything you can think to say
 [X] I don't like your dumb handle
 [X] I don't like your face
 [X] you quoted an entire article when you didn't need to

   To clear yourself of this infraction, you must

 [ ] ask me nicely to send you "EFF's Guide to the Internet"
 [X] beat yourself soundly about the head and shoulders
 [ ] go to news.answers and read everything you find there
 [ ] learn how to use control-k to edit
 [ ] pull your head out of your ass
 [ ] take a 1-week sabbatical from the keyboard
 [X] take a 1-year sabbatical from the keyboard
 [ ] never come within 30 yards of another terminal
 [ ] pay more attention to netiquette
 [X] send $1 to The SubGenius Foundation, Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214 
     and PRAY IT'S NOT TOO LATE ALREADY

   and don't do it again.  Lastly,

 [ ] good luck
 [ ] get help
 [X] get bent


--
 --      The Jeff Cooper Project       |  Send $1 to SubGenius Foundation
  --           coop@bu.edu             |  PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
   "Reality is what you can get away with."  -- Robert Anton Wilson
[R]eply and ask me for a free copy of "EFF's Guide to the Internet" v. 2.39.