Article 108904 of rec.arts.sf.written.robert-jordan: From: "Troy N. Terry" Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written.robert-jordan Subject: Automated DF Defeat Form Date: Fri, 23 Aug 1996 11:23:12 -0700 From: Great Lord of the Dark To: Darkfriends everywhere CC: Creator Dear _________, Due to the increasing number of Darkfriends trudging back to Shayol Ghul to report humiliating failures, I have decided to install an automated system for reporting defeats. Please check any and all boxes that accurately represent the nature of your defeat, and send back to great_lord@shayol.ghul.org, or via RavenMail. Your complete candor will be appreciated, as any deviation from the truth will, when discovered, result in an eternity of vile tortures that would make Semirhage faint. This policy may seem a bit inconsistent, considering I am the Father of Lies and all, but maybe you should have thought of that before becoming a Darkfriend. Please note: Some boxes represent possible mitigating factors in the defeats. Kindly don't cheat. And on a lighter note, I've finally gotten my *&#@$*& CAPS-LOCK key fixed. DEFEATS: Have you ever: [ ] Been balefired? [ ] Been stilled? (Hmm ... can you still use the True Power?) [ ] Been killed? [ ] By Rand? [ ] But I'm not really dead, see... (Doesn't apply to 'gars) [ ] By a non-channeler? [ ] By a _tree_, for chrissakes? [ ] By someone you recognise but your dam' loser POV wouldn't show us who it is so now we waste precious time and electrons arguing about it? [ ] By Moiraine? (For Lanfear this is an essay question) [ ] Been a Tinker? [ ] But I know the song and I didn't tell them (AH ha ha ha haaa) [ ] Slept with Mat? [ ] Saved Rand's bacon? [ ] But is was for my own selfish reasons [ ] Healed stray cats? [ ] Impersonated the DO? [ ] But I'm quite insane, so I can do whatever I want [ ] Hey, I _am_ the DO! Sez Ba'alzamon on my driver's license. [ ] Fallen in love with the Dragon Reborn? [ ] But is was for my own selfish reasons [ ] Did you plan to whack the DO and the Creator with those big 'ol sa'angreals? [ ] Accidentally fouled up another Darkfriend's plan, thus delivering a great victory to the Light? [ ] But is was for my own selfish reasons [ ] But I was just letting the Lord of Chaos Rule [ ] But some idiot stroked my mindtrap and I lost the Void [ ] Been spied on by agents of the Light who got away with it? [ ] But I thought Moghedien would take care of it [ ] Been captured? [ ] By wimpy 3rd-age Aes Sedai? [ ] Twice? [ ] By Asha'man? [ ] Did they give you over to the Wise Ones? [ ] Are you now or have you ever been declared da'tsang? [ ] By someone who used to be _your_ prisoner? [ ] In a mindtrap? [ ] In an a'dam/bracelet-of-sadness? [ ] In Tel'aran'rhiod? [ ] Did you teach your captor cool Power tricks? [ ] But I taught them things that gave 'em headaches [ ] Did your help your captor take down another Forsaken? [ ] Did you turn back to the Light? [ ] But I was just lying to gain their foolish trust [ ] Taught valuable AOL info to 3rd-Age Aes Sedai? [ ] But is was for my own selfish reasons [ ] Had your soul transplanted into a wrong-gender body? [ ] And enjoyed it? [ ] But is was for my own selfish reasons [ ] Tried to betray a Forsaken but !@#@^'d up and were punished with vile, demeaning servitude? [ ] Your lower-class accent, it came out demeaningly during that whole scene, yes? [ ] Killed scarce Shadowspawn which could've advanced the DO's plans? [ ] But is was for my own selfish reasons [ ] Tried to assassinate someone from the Two Rivers and failed? [ ] Trained a flock of male channelers who're going to toast all my Dreadlords when Tarmon Gaidon comes? [ ] Come back to the Light and heroically given your life to score a great victory over the Shadow in a critical moment? [ ] But there were two ta'veren nearby [ ] Merged with Mordeth? [ ] Merged with Machin Shin? [ ] Left a paper-trail of lies that a frowsy Red sister can trace back to you in book 8? [ ] (Extra punishment) Did you use to be White Ajah? You should have known better. [ ] (Extra punishment) Did you use to be Corianin Nedeal? [ ] (I just gotta know) Are you Verin?