From: macabrus@aol.REMOVEME.com (Phoenix) Newsgroups: alt.humor.net-abuse,news.admin.net-abuse.misc Subject: Requiem for Soiled Pants Date: Fri, 18 Jul 1997 00:20:45 -0600 Organization: Black Helicopters & Co. X-No-Archive: yes X-Marks: The Spot X-Cuse: Whatever it is, I didn't do it X-Junk-Policy: Spam of any and all kinds is expressly forbidden here X-Spambait: subscribe@answerme.cybermirror1.com X-Newsreader: Yet Another NewsWatcher 2.4.0 Folks, you know you've been around Usenet too long if you start posting titles like this. As of late I have been factually informed that good ol' Mikey E. "Soiled Pants McGehee" Enlow has had his beloved Worldnet account plowed under like so much chaff in the barnyard. Given who he is and the pleasure he gave us I felt it only fitting and proper we give REB-A@worldnet.att.net a proper sendoff to the great ISP in the sky. In this world there are few people whom it is more pleasurable to ridicule than the powerless fanatic. When it comes to the stupid powerless fanatic, it is second to none. A village idiot never ceases to amaze, and the villagers cannot help but marvel at the freak. This village idiot wearing soiled pants could only have been Mike Enlow. Kind of sad, really. REB-A's passionate performance in the end only got a moderate scattering of ridicule. The villagers in the end looked sadly down upon the idiot, shaking their heads at the sight. He proclaimed himself The Prophet, but was reality-challenged. He proclaimed himself The American, and then condemned every American in sight. He proclaimed himself The Expert, but contradicted himself at every turn. He proclaimed himself The Anti-Communist, and then proceeded to impersonate a communist. He proclaimed himself The King, and was generally laughed and pointed at. Finally, with a dire warning of apocalypse, he proclaimed himself The God, and the villagers at long last buried him in the dunghill. Enough with ceremony; the village crapper is enough for Mike. Before I intern him for eternity in my Net Abuse Museum of the Damned, here's my final report card for dear ol' REB-A: PHOENIX STANDARDIZED LART FORM (c) copyright now by yours truly. (check all boxes that apply) Flame Meter: [ ] 10. Lucifer's tanning bed [ ] 9. Dante's Inferno [ ] 8. Napalm [ ] 7. Weapons grade flamethrower [ ] 6. Bonfire at bookburning demonstration [ ] 5. Bonfire at political demonstration [ ] 4. Car bomb [ ] 3. Using gasoline for a cookout [ ] 2. Dynamite [X] 1. Firecracker Troll Meter: [X] 10. More slime than in all the gutters of NYC [ ] 9. Caps lock is all gummed up [ ] 8. Them little dolls [ ] 7. False reverend [ ] 6. False prophet [ ] 5. Grand Nagus [ ] 4. Gargamel [ ] 3. Enough warts to bankrupt Compound W [ ] 2. Your lips keep flapping but you say nothing [ ] 1. You claim to own a toll bridge Lameness Meter: [X] 10. Limper than Tone Loc after discovering Sheena was a man [ ] 9. Quadruplegic [ ] 8. Marshall Herff Applewhite [ ] 7. Paraplegic [ ] 6. Outer extremities after cross-checking by Claude Lemieux [ ] 5. Same as the cow whom Cripple Creek was named after [ ] 4. Mrs. O'Leary's cow [ ] 3. AOL newbie [ ] 2. Same as you'd feel if you had 10 beers [ ] 1. The Beta machine Intelligence Insult Meter: [X] 10. "Cyber Promotions is not in the business of annoying people" [ ] 9. Universal remove list [ ] 8. OJ is innocent [ ] 7. "I am not a crook" [ ] 6. "We're here to serve you" [ ] 5. GruBoursy [ ] 4. Pro wrestling [ ] 3. "Can't we all just get along?" [ ] 2. Bad soap opera [ ] 1. "I meant to do that!!" This author believes you are: [X] Liar [X] Coward [X] Loser [X] Lamer [X] Spammer [X] Troll [X] Dimwit [X] Anarchist [X] Geek [X] Hypocrite [X] Dopehead [X] Looney [ ] Elvis [X] Fake Santa [X] An "It" [X] Clueless Newbie [ ] Obsessed Fundamentalist [ ] Religious Atheist [ ] "Me Too"er [X] Imbecile [ ] Pervert [X] Freakshow [X] Censor [ ] Raiders Fan [X] Moron [ ] Communist [ ] Yes Man [ ] Racist [ ] Fed [X] Potty Mouth [X] Politician [X] Extortionist [X] Jailbait [X] Revisionist [X] Pathetic [X] Bonehead [ ] Satanist [ ] Bogus Attorney [X] Whiner [X] False Prophet [X] Infidel [ ] $cientologist [X] Waste Of Skin And Air [X] Mind-Numbingly Incompetent [X] Obesely Full Of Yourself [X] Two Fries Short Of A Happy Meal You have committed the unpardonable offense of: [X] Crossposting to hell and back [X] Multiposting enough times to calculate the value of pi [X] Annoying me [ ] Misplacing your binary [X] Misplacing your fly [X] Them's fightin' words!! [X] Boring the hell out of me [X] Posting what should've been Emailed [X] Trying to make money on my back [ ] Arrogantly imposing your religious beliefs on others [ ] Arrogantly imposing your atheistic beliefs on others [ ] Arrogantly blathering your government horsehockey on others [ ] Arrogantly imposing your racist beliefs on others [X] Arrogantly imposing your political beliefs on others [X] Arrogantly imposing your anarchist beliefs on others [X] Arrogantly imposing your parasitic beliefs on others [X] Being an unoriginal bastard [X] Making Grubor look intelligent [X] I don't like the tone of your voice [X] Posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message [X] Being a dumb robot [ ] Are a ringleader of the IEMMC [X] Posting here for no good reason [ ] Defied a UDP on your hide [X] Started a long, stupid thread [X] Caused a thread to become a long, stupid thread [X] Posted what has been done before [X] Not only that, it was done better the last time [X] Being waaaay off topic [X] Quoted the entire friggin' post [ ] Used an anonymous remailer [X] Used an entirely fake identity and address [ ] Tell tall tales of hackers under every rock, bush and computer log [ ] Using the phrase "Information Superhighway" [ ] Using HTML to post to news [X] Invoked Godwin's Law [X] Backed up *nothing* you said [X] Not only that, I could argue your case better than you [X] Can't seem to control where you're posting to [X] Must've spent your life in a skinner box to be this clueless [X] Referred to the Usenet Cabal (There Is No Cabal) [X] Using witless prattle [X] Tried to bust a spam fighter [X] Falsely threatened to file a lawsuit [X] Falsely stated you notified The Man [X] Pretended you were an "expert" [ ] Saying "ME TOO!" [ ] Being a WaReZ dOOd [X] Being of brazenly low IQ [X] Trying to make money off of spam [ ] Conducting a stoopid pyramid scheme [X] You are a loser [X] This has been pointed out to you before [X] Nobody likes you [X] This has been pointed out to you before [X] Using stupid circular arguments [ ] PoStEd In ElItE cAPiTaLs [X] Posted in ALL CAPS and you don't even own a TRS-80 [X] Called the Net the Web [X] PO'd the SubGenii [X] Being generally ignorant of the purpose of the Internet [X] Being generally ignorant of the purpose of this newsgroup [X] Being generally ignorant [X] This has been pointed out to you before [X] Worthy of more flamage than all of Molotov's cocktails As part of your penance, you should: [X] Be dragged out into the street and shot [X] If you survive, be shot again [X] Perform oral sex on a pit bull [X] Go to the confessional of the Church of the SubGenius [X] Never show yourself in this newsgroup again [X] Be knocked upside the head with a cluestick [X] Get a day job [X] Get a whore [X] Get a life [X] Burn your Email software [X] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it [X] Smoke less of what you're smoking [X] Take a long walk off a short pier and french-kiss a shark [ ] Stick to FidoNet until you grow up [X] Be displayed in the public square as a pigeon latrine [X] Bathe in a geologically active mud pot [X] Work at Chernobyl [ ] Receive your monthly paycheck from the Freedom Knights [X] Shove your keyboard where only a proctologist can see [X] Make yourself an example of how to decrease the surplus population [X] Attend a Denver Nuggets game [ ] Post something relevant [ ] Read the damn FAQ [X] Take a pill of my choosing [X] Find an active volcano and throw yourself in [X] Consume excrement until you expire [X] Beg for mercy In summary, I: [X] Spit in your face [X] Let my dog piss on you [X] Let my dog hump on you [X] Hope you get attacked by a herd of horny silverback gorillas with CCHF [ ] *PLONK* [X] Shall throw peanuts at you [X] Blow you off [X] Flip you the bird [X] Spew phlegm in your general direction [X] Hope you slip on the septic overflow [X] Hope you have a good time -- /\ Ringleader of Very Disturbed Nerds - So Sayeth $pamford & Friends \ /\ Known also as James - to send Email, subtract remove phrase \/ \ THERE IS NO CABAL -- LONG LIVE THE CABAL / \ "Gratuitous acts of senseless violence are my forte." - Max Keeper IEMMC FAQ - http://members.aol.com/macabrus/agisfaq.html Keeper Cyberpromo FAQ - http://members.aol.com/macabrus/cpfaq.html Support Rep. Smith & outlaw junk commercial Email! - http://www.cauce.org