Ken <kenpch@ix.netcom.com> wrote:

 STANDARDIZED ALT.AOL-SUCKS REPLY FORM: 
 (slightly modified from the original version)
BY Master Ken - adopted from someone else.

This form has been generalized for ease of response to
 the alt.aol-sucks newsgroup.  Permission is granted for
 use to speed response time to common posts. 
 
INSTRUCTIONS: Check all that apply.

Dear: 
 
 [ ]  Idiot (tm Egelhof) 
 [ ]  Troll 
 [ ]  Clueless crossposter 
 [ ]  Mindless chain letter writer
 [ ]  AOLoser
 [ ]  Wannabee hacker
 [ ]  All of the above
 [ ]  Other ____________________________________________________

This is to notify that the following argument you chose to  
make has been used: 
 
 [ ]  a googolplex of times
 [ ]  an infinite number of times

The core of your argument is: 
 
 [ ]  AOL has stuff the net doesn't, namely: 
     
  ( ) Flower delivery 
  ( ) KMart interactive 
  ( ) Your uncle who only wants email 
  ( ) Sale of member profiles to direct marketing companies  
  ( ) A travel agency for people who are socially inept and 
       can't talk to a travel agent!!!!
  ( ) "Romance Connection" "Flirt Nook" "Gay Connection"
        - NICE ROOMS!!!!!!!!!!

 [ ]  Flaming AOL is like: 
 
  ( ) Nazism 
  ( ) Racism 
 
 [ ]  AOL is easy to use--all other access involves 
      "arcane commands." 
 
 [ ]  Some people have no other access. 
  
 [ ]  You can/cannot: 
 
  ( ) Cancel online 
  ( ) Use automatic quoting 
  ( ) Append a signature 
  
 [ ]  "OPINION!" 
 
 [ ]  Something totally pointless, irrelevant, and downright ignorant, it
      isnt even worth mentioning. 
 
 [ ] you can: TyPe LiKe ThIs AnD wHaT aN iDiOt YoUaRe. 
 
What's worse, you used one of the similar phrases: 
 
 [ ]  I like to restrict myself to 5 hours per month.

 [ ] If you don't like AOL. DON'T USE IT.
     (WE DON'T!!!!!).  But we won't share the NET
     with AOLosers either.

 [ ]  "Can't we all just get along?" 
 
 [ ]  AOL's graphical interface is COOL!!!!
       or Sesame Street's music is COOL!!!!!
 
 [ ]  "Get a life!" 
 
 [ ]  "[flame ignored]" 
 
 [ ]  "This is a simulated reply to [so-and-so], [domain] is 
       in my killfile." 
 
 [ ]  "Posted on America Online's Internet" 
 
 [ ]  AOL is great for new users - who can't configure PPP through
       their own OS whether it is Mac, OS/2, or Windows 95.
       (Total time for me??? About 3 minutes) SHOCKING
 
 [ ]  I can really JUSTIFY $2.95/hr REALLY. I know I will sound 
      like an idiot but I really want to justify......... 

Or put in a request for: 
 
 [ ]  AOHELL 
 [ ]  WaReZ 
 [ ]  Hacking Applications.  
 [ ]  Participation in a chain letter.
 [ ] How to hack a shareware for AOLers who can't 
      affort it but can afford $2.95/hr

You might like to know:
 
 [ ]  AOL's e-mail usually arrives two days LATE.
 [ ]  Read Steve Case's Feb. newsletter about 
       AOL's e-mail.
 [ ]   AOL's e-mail system can suffer a melt down after
       attachment through the NET. Or better yet, it will 
       divide your long attachment to little pieces so Stevie 
       Case can tell you to put the shit back into original form.
 [ ]  You post worthless shit to binary newsgroups.
 [ ]  You don't know how to quote anything in your response.
 [ ]  Stop this "ME TOO" shit.
 [ ]  Steve Case is trying to be an Internet Service Provider
       like the rest of us...... but he's doing badly in his
      attempt through GNN  (slow as a snail, buggy as hell)
 [ ]  AOL does _not_ run the Internet.
 [ ]  You cannot sue the people who run the Internet.
 [ ]  Your sig sucks.
 [ ]  You suck.
 [ ]  This newsgroup is not called alt.aol-rules.
 [ ]  Chain letters involving money are illegal.
 [ ]  Chain letters are against netiquette.
 [ ]  I sent your request for AOHell to postmaster@aol.com.
      He might have a copy lying around :-)
 [ ] People are doing video conferencing through the NET 
      while Steve Case is still working on 28.8 access in all his
      dial up numbers.
 [ ] Your recent Web Browser is nothing NEW. In fact, it should 
      be called Late Browser. Heard of Hot Java and BUILT-IN
      Real Audio lately?????
[ ]  Some of  the articles in the newsgroup that YOU are reading will 
      never show up on your face....WHY??? AOL has censored them
      (IF they are not so kind to AOL and Steve Case)
       Including those from kenpch@ix.netcom.com. I've tried to access
       them from my cousin's GNN crap (BTW, he hates it too)

It is suggested that you: 
 
 [ ]  Read Destiny's FAQ. 
 [ ]  Read James' web page. 
 [ ]  Edit your headers. 
 [ ]  Zark off.
 [ ]  Turn off the "English newsgroup names" in AOL.
 [ ]  IM a guide and ask for his password.
 [ ]  IM Steve Case and ask for his password.
 [ ]  Use AOHELL in a room with a guide.
 [ ]  Send an obscene message to TOS Email1.
 [ ]  Do something else really stupid to get your account cancelled.
 [ ]  Call the Internet and talk to their technical support people.  >:-)
 
[ ] Thank you very much. [ ] No comment.

[ ] Have a nice day.     [ ] No comment.

Has your AOL bill come yet?

Master Ken
Your True Teacher, Steve Case is just a substitute.

"I can order flowers through AOL in the morning and they'll 
be delivered to my wife that afternoon." - Thomas Reed, an AOLer
who has never used a TELEPHONE.

"There are things that you can do on AOL that, while you can do
them offline, people just plain MAY enjoy doing online."
- Jeff Carpenter (another AOL defender)