Article 41276 of news.admin.misc: From: rickg@crl.com (Rick Gordon) Newsgroups: news.admin.misc,talk.abortion,alt.wired,alt.usenet.kooks,alt.flame Subject: Council of Net.Idiots Induction: Part 1 Followup-To: alt.flame Date: 4 Jun 1995 18:05:12 -0700 Organization: Circular Reasoning, Ltd. The Great Hall of Usenet is a bit less than half full this evening, but for those present a grand and solemn event is about to unfold. Not since 1991 has there been such an occasion, not since then has there been the need, and every attendee knows it. The Usenet Panharmonic Orchestra plays music appropriate to the ceremonies by way of an introit as the crowd settles in, all eyes on the curtain lining the stage. As the closing chords of Saint- Saens' "Danse Macabre" fade into silence the house lights dim, the curtain opens to applause. The Moderator, dressed in Edwardian formal attire complete with top hat, smiles under the lights, offers a half-bow, and takes his place behind the podium. The audience, after a few whistles and hearty cheers, quiets and listens. "Thank you and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight we are witness to a semi-historic ceremony, the investiture of one of our own to a well-deserved position on the Council of Net.Idiots. Election to this august body is a rare event, and is never achieved without a record of outstanding disservice to the Usenet community surpassed by none and equalled by few. Tonight's inductee came by this recognition the old-fashioned way." With a glint in his eye, The Moderator pauses momentarily. "He *earned* it." Cheers again ring out, followed by sporadic applause and laughter. "Throughout all of Usenet, wherever character assassination is an intra-mural sport, wherever the ad-hominem attack is cherished, wherever pointless, endless flamewars rage over 'forgery' or 'integrity' or 'supporting claims', there you'll find our man of the evening. He is and has been the complete equal-opportunity verbal assault artist; any one of us could at any moment be graced with his ministrations, without regard to gender, race, religion, or country of origin." Murmurs of assent are heard from the audience. "But mountebanks, boors, flamers have always been part of the Usenet landscape. What makes this one different, I hear you ask." "NOBODY ASKED, YOU POMPOUS WINDBAG! GET ON WITH IT!" The contingent from alt.flame are getting restless, it appears. The Moderator, all smiles, continues without missing a beat. "What set this one apart from all the rest, friends and neighbors, is this: He thought he could get away it forever. He apparently felt he had support, even widespread support from the vast unknown readership out there in the backwaters and the metropolises of the net. Posting and crossposting far, wide, and moronically, he shouted his accusations with a shrillness and smug satisfaction seldom achieved by his fellows. This, I would assert, is the mark of a true Idiot." More cheers, then the start of a chant: "Kee-gan, Kee-gan, *Kee-gan*". The Moderator raises a hand and the rythmic sing-song fades. "Yes, tonight is his night, the moment of recognition he has worked tirelessly toward for these many years. Tonight he joins the Council as a permanent member, with all the rights, privileges, and contumely such recognition affords." Lights flare, and the raised dais upstage from The Moderator becomes visible suddenly, two chairs holding the sitting members of the Council flanking the third empty chair, upon which shines a spotlight. The crowd applauds politely, the two Council members acknowledge the attention with small waves of the hands and grim smiles. "Rather than prolong the introductions," The Moderator continues, "let's get right to the ceremony, shall we?" The crowd roars. "Well, then, I suppose it's time. James Keegan, your time has come! Come up on stage, if you please!" TO BE CONTINUED -- Rick Gordon | "Loud is good." rickg@crl.com | -- Frank Loesser Article 41190 of news.admin.misc: From: rickg@crl.com (Rick Gordon) Newsgroups: news.admin.misc,talk.abortion,alt.wired,alt.usenet.kooks,alt.flame Subject: Council of Net.Idiots Induction: Part 2 Date: 7 Jun 1995 14:51:37 -0700 Organization: Circular Reasoning, Ltd. The audience looks around the Great Hall, muttering. "I repeat, James G. Keegan, Jr., come on up here, please, and accept your reward!" The Moderator peers into the Hall, the house lights come up, the background chatter ratchets up a notch. "I knew he wouldn't show up." "Keegan's here, he couldn't stay away, I can hear him breathing." "COME OUT, KEEGAN! YOU BIG HYPOCRITE!" "LIAR!" "FORGER! FORGER! FORGER!" Sensing the crowd beginning to turn ugly, The Moderator smiles, speaks. "No need to be insulting. I'm sure Mr. Keegan was held up in traffic, or perhaps was detained in doing some kindness or other." "DON'T MAKE ME PUKE, MAN! KEEGAN SKIPPED OUT, THE LITTLE WEASEL!" "While I agree it's unfortunate we don't have the guest of honor here 'in person', as it were, I think we can proceed with the ceremony in his absense, and make the presentation of certificate, cap, and so forth at a time more convenient for him." In one of the front rows, a female figure rises to her feet. She's wearing a tailored suit with skirt falling to mid-calf. A stick-on label at her lapel reads: "HI! I'm", with the handwritten addendum "Jane". She waits patiently with raised hand until she's recognized by The Moderator. "Yes, Madam? Do you have a question?" "I have an observation to make," says Jane. "Since we seem to be at a bit of an impasse unless our guest arrives, I see no reason not to entertain comments from the floor. Proceed, young lady." 'First off," she begins in a husky, not unattractive voice, "I think this whole thing is a farce. These people here are a minority, a SMALL minority of the Usenet readership, and what they say doesn't mean anything." "WE CAN'T HEAR YOU!" "Who *is* that? I never heard of her." "She a Lurker." "HEY, SIDDOWN, YOU STUPID LURKER!" The Moderator gives the crowd a stren, steady gaze. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you please. Do continue, erm, ... Jane." "Thank you. There are thousands, maybe millions of people who support James Keegan. Just because they aren't here is no reason to think their opinions don't count. James Keegan is much, MUCH smarter than these people here ..." "Hey, waitaminnit, is that a wig? Is she wearin' a wig?" "... and he doesn't recognize the kangaroo court ..." "Look at those legs! Ever heard of NAIR, babe?" " ... that made this whole thing up out of thin air." Several of the regulars from alt.flame and talk.abortion converge on the lady speaker from behind, stealthily, fingers to lips, as she continues speaking. "And he sent me here to tell you, all of you, that you're PATHETIC!" "HA! GOT THE WIG!" She is grabbed around the shoulders as the wig flies off her head, greedy hands reach into her suit coat, withdraw with a pair of what look like shoulderpads from under the blouse. "IT'S KEEGAN! HEY, THIS BROAD IS KEEGAN!" "SHOULDA KNOWN HE'D PULL SOMETHING LIKE THIS!" The audience rises to its feet, shaken fists in the air, epithets filling the space. "Jane" is wrestled to the ground, then carried bodily to the stage and dumped at the feet of The Moderator. "Well, well, Mr. Keegan, it seems we do have the pleasure of your company, after all." "did you really think i'd fall for this stupid charade? chuckle." "No, my dear fellow, this is no charade. This is real. This is your night." "nobody believes you. i just love it when my predictions come true. snicker." "Yes, quite. Well, now that we have you on stage, let's continue with your installation to the Council of Net.Idiots, shall we?" TO BE CONTINUED -- Rick Gordon | "Loud is good." rickg@crl.com | -- Frank Loesser Article 15638 of alt.usenet.kooks: From: rickg@crl.com (Rick Gordon) Newsgroups: news.admin.misc,talk.abortion,alt.wired,alt.usenet.kooks,alt.flame Subject: Council of Net.Idiots Induction: Finale Followup-To: alt.flame Date: 11 Jun 1995 14:37:40 -0700 Organization: Circular Reasoning, Ltd. Keegan, his skirt torn, his makeup a wreck, addresses the audience in the Great Hall, rather than The Moderator. "don't you think your past misdeeds are known to everyone? you really should offer an apology, but then that would show some character, something you know nothing about. chuckle." "Really, Mr. Keegan," The Moderator begins, "I truly don't know what you're talking about. I have no position to maintain, I've told no lies, cast no aspersions. I am here at the will and sufferance of the readership. They can deide to replace me, but in the present circumstance I am happy to act as a facilitator of the popular consensus." "more lies. kindly repost or withdraw your claim. snicker. heh." "Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize ..." "that's not an apology, you pathetic hypocrite." "... for the delay in the proceedings. Perhaps if we just continue with the induction ceremony the pieces will fall into place." The orchestra takes the cue, beginning Sousa's "The Liberty Bell" with gusto. At the same time, a small coterie appears at stage left. Unarmed, though impressively stolid and cruel in aspect, they lift the inductee off his feet and carry him to the dais. He is placed, gently, under the circumstances, on the central chair. Padded restraints around the upper arms and ankles assure a comfortable, secure fit. "i'm not sitting here. this chair is a forgery. chuckle." "Yes, thank you, Mr. Keegan. If you'd consent to hold your comments until we've finished, this ceremony would proceed much more expeditiously." "you lied again. i'm not surprised." "Am I to interpret your remark in the negative? It would be so much more pleasant, Mr. Keegan, if you'd be a good sport about this." "support your claim or retract. of course you cannot." With a heavy sigh, The Moderator motions to the largest of the security contingent. "Gag him, please." The agent wraps a line of gaffer's tape around Keegan's mouth and head, smiling. The crowd applauds enthusiastically. "Now, Mr. Keegan, we come to the investiture proper." The Moderator takes a small scroll from a coat pocket, unrolls it, and reads. "Whereas you, James G. Keegan, Jr., have engaged in countless, pointless vendettas and flamages various over the years, and Whereas these campaigns have been waged without regard to appropriateness, whether in topic or venue, and Whereas your estimation of the gullibility of the the Usenet readership at large has been and continues to be woefully, tragically deficient, and Whereas there has been found no remedy known to Science for your incessant, inaccurate, and unending maunderings, petulances, and abject whinings, Therefore be it known to all who have an interest that you have earned your place, in perpetuity and for as long as the net exists, on that most ancient and dishonorable board, the Council of Net.Idiots." At these words, The Moderator rolls the scroll up and places on Keegan's head the honorary pointed cap. The orchestra strikes up a few phrases of "Pomp and Circumstance" as the audience rises to its feet, applauding, cheering. "mmf. frgr. lrr. snkr." "There, there, Mr. Keegan, don't extend yourself. We'll have the gag off in no time. Thank you for attending this ceremony, dear readers. With any luck at all, there'll be no need for another for a very, very long time. Mr. Keegan, you have been accorded this signal recognition by your peers for a net.lifetime of work. You may append the title "Net.Idiot" to all of your correspondence, to all of your posted articles in whatever newsgroup you choose, and to your business cards at your expense. These proceedings are closed." -- Rick Gordon | "Loud is good." rickg@crl.com | -- Frank Loesser