From: greig@atlantis.Colorado.EDU (David Iain Greig) Subject: Re: Net.Legends.FAQ (Noticeable Phenomena Of UseNet) Part 4/4 Date: Fri, 10 Feb 1995 21:49:35 -0700 (MST) > > I'd expand a bit on the University of Ediacara if I knew one bit about it > *other* than K. Cochran's membership. Maybe... > The U of E is a running joke on talk.origins... a while ago, somebody noticed that of the active threads on t.o, the main Evo posters were almost all named 'Chris'. This lead to the idea of the 'Evilutionist Chrispiracy'. At the same time, someone else made a joke about the Monty Python skit where everyone is named Bruce in a department of philosophy. This was supposed to be at some Aussie University, and this got somehow transmogrified into an Evilutionist gag. Thus started the University of Ediacara, where all Profs are named 'Chris'. Now, I'm not getting this quite correct, but we're close on this. This has gone on to the point where most of the major posters on the group are all 'on faculty', if pro-Evo. Ted Holden (q.v.) has given a name to those who post on t.o. : 'A tree full of howler-monkeys'. Thus regulars on t.o are known as 'howlers', or 'the dogpile', as the standard response to posting of standard Creationist dogma by a newbie results in a dozen or more generally snarky replies as regulars pile on. (Ted has been on t.o for 8 years or so at this point... and hasn't changed a whit....) Anyhow... the U of E has a domain (ediacara.org), a number of very competent professors, and a Dean... all named Chris. I'll try to dig out the jargon file for t.o somewhere and send it along. I gather you like reading stuff..... come over to t.o some time and see the howlers in action. You really gotta read some of the stuff Ted has posted. Claiming escaped chickens should evolve into eagles. How man used to be telepathic in prehistoric times. And his new tirade, how OS/2 is better than UNIX... We even have some officially agreed on facts: -----------------%snip%------------------------------------- This is the lates version of the faculty list. There are still some inclusions to be added, see the registrars in the first instance. As to the Dean's suggestion for honorary doctorates, the list, at the moment, is as follows (dissenting comments noted and in the tradition of academic institutions everywhere, totally ignored. The Dean was particulary taken aback by the comments about leather chairs, brandy snifters and Cuban cigars - far to close to the mark, or as the Dean put it, "Who let that lowlife into my office?") Honorary Doctor of Philosophy Gary Larson Bill Gates Honorary Doctor of Liff, the Universe and Everything Douglas Adams Honorary Doctor of Predicted Mammalian Eusociality Richard D. Alexander Honorary Doctor of Biogenetic Law Steven J. Gould Honorary Master of Science: Douglas J. Futuyma -------------------------------------------------------------- Any complaints, arguments, abuse, threats, legal actions, etc. should be directed to the registrars. Any compliments, praise, accolades, gratulatory messages, offers of financal support, donations, gifts etc. should, of course, be directed to the Dean. A Nedin Ripoff enterprise, in parasitic association with: Watson Family Planning Institute "For families with style", and MaCrae Microscopics "Refocusing the world into more managable proportions" University of Ediacara (pronounced Edi-akra) ====================== Crest: Anomalocaris claws, crossed, rampant on a pure back- ground. Symbolism: Aggressive protection of the truth. Motto #1: Knowledge * Wisdom * Beer. Symbolism: The gaining of wisdom through knowledge under the influence of a really good beer. Motto #2: "Arbor plena allouattarum" Symobolism: (Latin) "A tree full of howler monkeys" (after Holden) Symbol: The ediacaran fossil 'sea-pen' _Charnodiscus oppositus_. Symbolism; Flexability coupled with perseverance Faculty Listing =============== [Note those projects designated (*) are in receipt of a research grant from the Dean's Private Fund for Very Important Research] Name/Title/ & Current Research Area & E-mail & Publications ============================================================ Professors ========== Chris Colby, Genetic drift of _saccharomyces_ Dean of Science. in starch-rich cultures(*) Professor of Evolutionary Biology. colby@biology.bu.edu James G. (Chris) Acker, Laminar Flood Theory Professor of Oceanography. jgacker@neptune.gsfc.nasa.gov Sue (Chris) Bishop, Net Law Professor of Equine Evolution Faculty Provost Marshal. Dan (Chris) Day, GeoQuest - The Electronic Professor of Game: Fight verbal battles with Interactive Geology the Arch-Lawyer Johnson in the Courtroom of Ignorance, avoid the trap of the Transitional Form Infinite Regression, Save Darwin from the cluches of the Evil ICR. A fun game for all the family. (Chris) DeadDog, The mystifying omission of Janitorial Professor abiogenesis from the general evolutionary theory of Abiogenesis. Ben T. (Chris) Dehner, [Has not supplied research topic Professor of - Admin] Uniformitarian Astrophysics. Rob (Chris) Derrick, Investigations into the simple Professor mu-meritus question "why?". Followed by the of Taoism and TAEism. more problematic "Why not?". robd@cherry.cray.com Peter (Chris) Dudey, Professor of the Golden Parentheses Alen (Chris) Feuerbacher, [Has not supplied research topic Adjunct Professor of - Admin] Actual Catasrophism. David Iain (Chris) Greig, Great alcoholic philosophers of Professor of Biochemistry the 19th and 20th century - and Philosophy.(*) a biomedical analysis of their Holden Chair of Magnetism inspiration.* and Moral Philosophy. [*cross-appointed.] greig@challenger.colorado.edu Edward Hackett, Some Kind of Brachiopod: An Professor of Paleoapathy Irreproducible Univariate L. Ron Hubbard Chair of Statistical Analysis Dianetics. ed.hackett@select.infi.net Bill (Chris) Hamilton, Predatory vehicular dynamics, Professor of Vehicular chance or design? Evolution. Hamilton@preditor.cs.gmr.com Josh (Chris) Hayes, Moderation of scientific, Professor of Moderation biological evolution josh@pogo.washington.edu Chris Heiny, Ark Simulation: Optimal packing Professor of Bizarre Theories. of cats/dogs/people in one Offther-Hocking Chair of structure. Lunar Influences. chris@eso.mc.xerox.com Melanie (Chris Chris) Hohertz, Redundant Professor of Redundancy. Chris Ho-Stuart, a) Mutation of the Goedel Meme Professor of Creative b) Evilutionist Internethics Proof Theory. hostuart@fit.qut.edu.au Katherine (Chris) Hunt, Transitional Transitions Professor of Zoology. Herb (Chris) Huston, Exhaustive concordance for the Professor of Primatology. complete works of S.J. (Chris) Gould Chair of Scientific Gould. Writing. Mark (Chr-) Isaak, The Once Hollow Earth Theory Professor of Computational Entomology. Carey Chair of Inflatable Geological Theory. isaak@orient.aurora.com William H. (Chris) Jefferys Statements on moondust thickness Professor of Astrology and as an inverse measure of Lunacy. intelligence. bill@clyde.as.utexas.edu Paul (Chris) Keck, Polyphase Expression in the Professer of Media Visual Media Representation. keck@zookeeper.zoo.uga.edu Dave (Chris) Knapp, Things that happened long, long Professor of Big, Big, ago in galaxies far, far away. Bangs. dk@imager.llnl.gov James J. (Bruce) Lippard, Name disambiguation among Professor of Philosophy homogenous groups in academe. Lippard@primenet.net Andrew (Chris) MacRae, Dinoflagellates: were they Professor of Tiny around in the Paleozoic, or Dead Things. were they hiding out? macrae@pandora.geo.ucalgary.ca James (Chris) Meritt, Investigation into maximum Professor Emerrrittus of length of posting capable of Invective and Sarcasm. being handled by the UseNet. (joint project) Chris Nedin, Study of the fragmentory remains Professor of of the Cambrian Explosion in an Palaeopathology attempt to find those Gish Chair of Palaeontology. responsible. cnedin@geology.adelaide.edu.au Andy (Not-Chris) Peters, Synergistic effects of mutation, Professor of Sex. beer, parasites, beer, abiotic Xaviera Hollander Chair of factors, and beer in maintaining Sex, Parasites and Other sexual reproduction.* Naughty Bits. adpeters@sunflower.bio.indiana.edu Dr (Chris) Pepper, Searching for the Theory of Professor of Persistent Creationism Questions. Warren (Kris) vonRoeschlaub, Analysis of Ice Cores from Professor of Mathematical Ste Jovite Canada. Theology. kv07@iastate.edu Bruce (Chris) Salem, [Has not supplied research topic Professor of EE - Admin] (Engineering Evolution). Tero (Chris) Sand, Spreading the word via Professor of Information quantum mechanics. Transfer Technology. cust_ts@cc.helsinki.fi Steve (Chris) Schaffner, "Virgil's _Georgics_ and the Professor of Quantum Classical Theory of Fields." Literature. sschaff@UNIXHUB.SLAC.STANFORD.EDU Michael (Xris) Siemon, a) Evolution of Scripture Theomaniac Professor of b) Mutation and Flamage in Evolutionary Hermeneutics. Patristic Literature mls@ulysses.att.com Chris Stassen, Finding a cure for C14 decay Professor of Geology. http://www.stassen.com/chris/ Tom (Chris) Swanson, [Has not supplied research topic Professor of Darwin Physics. - Admin] Larson Chair of Creative Drawing Tim J. (Chris) Thompson, Unconventional theories on the Professor of Planetary Venusian atmosphere - so much Atmospherics hot air? Ginenthal Chair of Planetary Physics. tjt@scn2.jpl.nasa.gov Wayne (Chris) Throop, Currently pursuing research Emeritus Professor of at the Holden Memorial Institute Biomechanics. for the Hopelessly Uniformitarian throopw%sheol@concert.net Brett J. (Chris) Vickers, Automated information transfer Professor of Evolutionary via electronic means - enhancing Archivology and expanding leisure time* bvickers@ics.uci.edu Seanna (Chris) Watson, Selective breeding to produce a smaller, Professor of Very noisier type of of Homo Sapiens Large Scale Evolution. (joint project) Joint Registrar. seanna@bnr.ca Steve (Chris) Watson, Selective breeding to produce a smaller, Professor of Object- noisier type of of Homo Sapiens Oriented Evolution. (joint project) Associate Professor of Geology. Joint Registrar. watson@sce.carleton.ca Matthew (Moshe) Wiener, The Jewish <-> Christian book of quotes, Professor of Hebrewmethics. Greek translation weemba@sagi.wistar.upenn.edu Associate Professors ============== Michael (Chris) Agney, Global distribution of araneomorph Associate Professor of constructions Computer Hemipterology. magney@cco.caltech.edu Chriswell Ashlock, Mathematical modeling of the optimum Associate Professor of calorific value to singe ratio for Mathematical Modeling. flames Exxon Chair of Flamethrower Maintainence. Seth J. (Chris) Bradley, [Has not supplied research topic - Admin] Associate Professor of Counter Revisionism. sbradley@scic.intel.com Steve (Chris) Carlip, Quantum cosmological initial conditions Associate Professor of for the formation of alcohol: Quantum Gravity. the decoherence function approach* carlip@dirac.ucdavis.edu Keith (Chris) The evolution and differentiation "Justified And Ancient" Cochran, of Madi gras Associate Professor of Religious Studies. Chair University Sexual Discrimination Committee kcochran@nyx.cs.du.edu Ken (Chris) Cox, Exploring the central tennets of Associate Professor Omphalos theory & Omphalos Chair of Office Hours: Last Tuesday Navel Studies. kcc@siesta.wustl.edu L. (Chris) Davis, Assessing Effects of Interlocutary Associate Professor Intrusion into SCORCH* Space of General Education. (*Scientific Creationism Overwhelmingly Chairperson of Faculty Refuted, Causing Heat) Teaching Committee. Robert P. J. (Chris) Day, Alcohol consumption as a factor in Associate Professor of Radiometrics C-decay rate fluctuations* Setterfield Chair of Decay Measurement rpjday@cuug.ab.ca Brendan Dunn, Investigation into disappearance Associate Professor of of 450 sq. mile island from Lake Cartography and Superior in the first half of the Observational History. eighteenth century. bdunn@cco.caltech.edu Wes (Chris) Elsberry, Redefining the upper limits of Associate Professor of harmless drudgery Non-Invasive Lexicography. Samual Johnson Chair of Jargon. welsberr@orca.tamu.edu Paul D. (Chris) Farrar, The dynamics of sexual reproduction Associate Professor of as a factor in beach erosion* Oceanography. Canute Chair of Physical Oceanography. farrar@mistral.noo.navy.mil Stan (Chris) Friesen, Science-friendly religion Associate Professor of Religion and Science. Maddi (Chris) Hausmann Sojourner Benificial affects of aerating median Associate Professor of Thermohydrodynamics sized water bodies at close to body temperature(*) Chairperson of the Faculty Humor Moderation Committee. Larry (Chris) Henling Associate Professor of K12 Education. Tim (Chris) Ikeda, The affects of alcohol consumtion Associate Professor of Botany. on "Stinky Enteric Bacteria"* Steve C. (Chris) Jaume, A time variant trace equalized, finite Associate Professor of difference migration map of Pete's Wicked Pan-Dimentional Ale (tm) in southeastern New York state, Seismology. USA(*) Thomas (Kris) Kettenring Karl (Kris) Kluge Peter (Chris) Lamb, Novel theories and their equally novel logic Associate Professor & Von Daniken Chair of Special Theories. Jon (Chris) Livesey Jim (Chris) Loats, Evolving a faster swimming bacteria Assistant Professor of Cruelty to Bacteria Chair, Ethics in Experimentation Committee. Tom (Chris) Marlowe, Efficient genetic algorithms for constructing Associate Professor Facetious posts (_Obvius verbosus_ ssp.) of Confuser Science. Liptons Chair of Stimulant Infusion Research. marlowe@paul.rutgers.edu Craig (Chris) Morton, Protein chemistry and MNR spectroscopy Associate Professor of as applied to Guinness manufacture(*) Protein Chemistry. craigm@bioch.ox.ac.uk Scott H. (Chris) Mullins, The evolution of hammertoe in Associate Professor of monotremes - A link to our Platypodiatry. egg-laying past? smullins@ecn.purdue.edu Robert (Chris) Parson, Minimum escape velocity of Associate Professor of Ozone and CFC's from t.o. Gas-Phase Physical Chemistry & Catholic Theology. rparson@rintintin.Colorado.EDU Mark (Chris) Patterson, The impact of glaciation on geography Associate Professor of and the subsequent distribution of Glaciology. single malt scotch production* bug.dozer@sfnet.com ?(Chris) Rice Tom (Chris) Scharle Eric (Chris) Shafto Ken (Chris) Smith, Mathematical illogic behind fundamentalist Associate Professor of creationisist mathematical logic Theological Mathematics. kgs@maths.uq.oz.au Andrew (Chris) Solovay Simon E. (Chris) Spero, [Has not supplied research topic - Admin] Associate Professor of Information Technology. John Tant, Governmental budgeting processes Associate Professor and alpha-numeric prevarications of Statistical Obfuscation Richard (Chris) Trott, Alcohol induced, melodious social Associate Professor of intercourse(*). Musical Composition. Spinal Tap Chair of Music. trott@gandalf.rutgers.edu Ethan (Chris) Vishniac, Cosmetology and Large Scale Stricture Associate Professor of in the Universe. Astrophysiology. G.G. Simpson Heritable Chair of Evilution ethan@grendel.as.utexas.edu Peter W. (Chris) Walker, [Has not supplied research topic - Admin] Associate Professor of Astronomy. Chris Woodward M.A., [Has not supplied research topic - Admin] Associate Professor of Psychological Evolution. woodward@luna.cas.usf.edu David (Chris) Wright, [Has not supplied research topic - Admin] Associate Professor of Computer Science. Graduate Students ============ Dale (Kryss) Skiba, Hyperbolic Dictatorial Banal Department of Theological Exegesis Divulgence Hystery of Science working on Thesis -- and Religion Rabbit FAQ section. dale.m.skiba@pace.medtronic.com Honorarium ========= Trevyn (Chris) Watson, Dinosaurian constructs in Honourary Associate French Literature Professor of French Scientific Literature. Teaching Assistant, Dept of Palaeontology Richard Harter, [*Refuses* to supply research topic Admin.] Honorary Visiting Research Militant Honorary Doctor of Philosophy Gary Larson Bill Gates Honorary Doctor of Liff, the Universe and Everything Douglas Adams Honorary Doctor of Predicted Mammalian Eusociality Richard D. Alexander Honorary Doctor of Biogenetic Law Steven J. Gould Honorary Master of Science (MSc Hon): Douglas J. Futuyma The Rules ========= RULE #1: NO CREATIONISTS! RULE #2: I don't want to catch anybody NOT posting during working hours! RULE #3: NO CREATIONISTS! RULE #4: No abusing the newbies (at least while anyone is watching). RULE #5: NO CREATIONISTS! RULE #6 (Theory of Creation): There is no Theory of Creation! RULE #7: NO CREATIONISTS! RULE #8: All S.J. (Chris) Gould quotes must be cleared through Prof. Huston RULE #9: NO CREATIONISTS! The University does, of course, grant degrees up to the doctoral level, by mail-order. If you send $100 to the Registrar (email only; no cash, cheques or credit cards accepted), you will receive a handsome diploma suitable for framing and hanging on the wall (perhaps in the smallest room of your house), just as soon as we can figure out what colour(s) it should be. The Song ======== We are evilutionists; Our emblem is the fossil. We like to get in arguments, And rant as much as possible. Punk! Eek! Punk! Eek! Punk! Eek! Amen. (copyright the Professors Watson) Official Campfire Song ================ "It's a Long Way from Amphioxus" Oh a fish-like thing appeared among the annelids one day It hadn't any parapods nor setae to display It hadn't any eyes or jaws or ventral nervous chord, But it had a lot of gill slits and it had a notochord. CHORUS: It's a long way from amphioxus It's a long way to us, It's a long way from amphioxus To the meanest human cuss. Well, it's good-bye to fins and gill slits And it's welcome lungs and hair, It's a long, long way from amphioxus But we all came from there. It wasn't much to look at and it scarce knew how to swim, And Nerius was very sure it hadn't come from him The molluscs wouldn't own it and the arthropods got sore, So the poor thing had to burrow in the sand along the shore. (CHORUS) He burrowed in the sand before a crab did nip his tail, And he said, "Gill slits and myotomes are all to no avail, I've grown some metoplural folds and sport an oral hood, But all these fine new characters don't do me any good." (CHORUS) He sulked a while down in the sand without a bit of pep, Then he stiffened up his notochord and said "I'll beat 'em yet, Let 'em laugh and show their ignorance I don't mind their jeers, Just wait until they see me in 100 million years!" (CHORUS) My notochord shall change into a chain of vertebrae, And as fins my metoplural folds shall agitate the sea My tiny dorsal nervous chords shall be a mighty brain, And the vertebrae shall dominate the animal domain." (CHORUS) (Translated from the written word by Professor MacRae)