Date: Tue, 23 Dec 2003 20:23:44 -0500
Subject: [ARK] Re: ^Hmas Message for All (even clansdell)

In alt.religion.kibology, talysman@globalsurrealism.com wrote:

Happy holidays, people. Tonight's main post is going to be justified,
but not on the right-hand side. But ONLY for this post; I'm still
going to right-justify posts until New Year's Day, mainly because I
haven't figured out the Next Big Thing to Annoy Kevin's Wilson
yet. (OK, that's a lie; I actually *have* figured out the NBTtAK'sW,
but I want to squeeze every last drop out of the right-justification
craze while it lasts.)

I am even going to capitalize properly, just for a change of pace. 
Also, this will plant seeds of suspicion into everyone's branes that 
this entire post may be forged and I'm not really that Ur-Beatle guy, 
but I'm really some 16-year-old blonde chyk from Madrid who's
playing with your minds.

Pretty much everyone by now has seen Chris Lansdell's emotional rant,
but here it is again for those who somehow missed it because they
accidentally went shopping in the mall and barely made it out alive:

   OK, did it ever occur to you guys that maybe some people
   look up to you as people they are trying to emulate? Think
   real hard about someone you idolise/admire/try to emulate,
   then think about what it would do to YOUR ego to be
   ridiculed, ignored and basically have your aspirations
   totally deflated by some holier-than-thou pinpricks who
   have absolutely no grip on philanthropy. No that's not
   stamp-collecting. All I want is to be accepted somewhere,
   to belong somewhere. My life is one big kibological event,
   and I thought I belonged here. OK, so I may not be
   deliriously funny like some of you, or as quick-witted as
   some. I may try too hard. But for fuck's sake, if you
   really think so low of me, tell me in private and tell me
   what I need to do to be more like you! I want to be like
   you! Beable, Kibo, Dave...I quote you guys on a daily
   basis! I used so many memes in my comedy act and won first
   freaking prize! Am I a sad, disillusioned pathetic moron
   who puts entirely too much feeling into the opinions of a
   bunch oif strangers? Yes. Does this bother me at all?
   No. That's me. I married someone I met online for crying
   out loud. I'm a weirdo, and I know it, and I'm damn proud
   of it. Don't judge me or hate me because I'm not as good
   as you. They have a word for that. Instead, acknowledge a
   cry for help when you hear one, and be human.
   
   I remain your most awestruck fan.

In the spirit of the holidays, I have composed this response:

Dear Awestruck Fan,

Chris, something may indeed be wrong in Usenetland. Perhaps the ARK
regulars have been affected by the sarcasm of a sarcasmical age. They
mock anything which is mockable by their little minds. All minds,
Virg-- err, Chris-- all minds are little. In this great Usenet of
ours, man is a mere insect, a hissing bee, linked into the boundless
Hivemind about him, jacked in 24/7, in fact, if you know what I mean.

Yes, Chris, there is a Kibology. It lives and breathes within this
very newsfroup. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no
Kibo! It would be as dreary as if there were no Vaginias. No, wait, I
told that wrong. Please ignore that sentence, mister future employer
who may or may not be checking me out Rite Now. X-No-Archive = YES!

Not believe in Kibo! You might as well not believe in peanut butter. 
You might as well doubt that there was only one Darrin Stevens, ever, 
instead of two Darrins and five Tabithas as lesser mortals insist. 
Kibo tells us these big important words: You Are Allowed. This is no 
guarantee that you will be loved, or that any will find your posts 
amusing, but (in the words of Lisa Pea): Let Them Eat Fukk. You Are 
Allowed, dammit.

Sure, that may mean that you will get ridiculed by the likes of Beable,
but then He's Allowed, too. Just as long as he gives you a hug afterwards
or covers you in tiny kittens. But even if you aren't funny, so what?
Most of the people here aren't funny. Most have given up trying, and
resort to barcalounger posts about events in their day-to-day life, for
if they cannot make us laugh by their wit, they can at least share with
us the amusing foibles of their experiences, and everyone will feel much
closer together, in a sort of sick, dysfunctional way. You Are Allowed.
Beable Is Allowed. Even Koala3k Is Allowed, although many will scream at
me for saying it. Spot's Not Allowed, but when has he ever been?

You tear apart the baby’s skull and see what makes the noise inside,
but there is ... ok, I think I've taken a wrong turn somewhere. But the
point of it all is: ROBOTS, MONKEYS AND BABIES ARE FUNNY. So are pirates
and zombies. But not zombie pirate robot-monkey babies. Also, I like
duvets, they are warm.

Hope this helps.

-- 
Talysman the Ur-Beatle, GREELIER-THAN-THOU