Date: Sun, 14 Mar 1999 21:29:08 -0500 Subject: Re: Hey Mr. Kibo! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology References: <01be6a79$429fab60$382167d1@iris> <01be6b32$e55a74c0$da1f67d1@iris> <01be6bfb$69846440$cf2067d1@iris> Status: R In article , david_pacheco writes: >In article , sammie@world.std.com says... >> Also, we have no idea what a Kibological wedding would be like, but >> figure that you people could think up something for us. Scenes from a Kibological Wedding Directed by Stanley Kubrick Script by Manley Hubbell Produced by Accident Soundtrack by Crickets Rubbing Their Hind Legs Together Makeup by Papal Bull Costumes by Homeless People Joke Explained by Matt McIrvin Animal Handling by Negative Feedback [ The Processional enters in the following order: Assisting Ministers, groom's attendants, Giant H carrier, best man (William Shatner, replacing Roy Scheider), Matt and Kibo (attending Priest). The bride's party follows next in order of bride's attendants (Hello Kitty), carrier of Giant H's other leg, and Sammie. Mindful that Holy Kibological Matrimony is a religious rite, not a secular act, music should be religious in nature: "Like a Virgin" blares through the PA system. ] Kibo: The grace of the great Kibo be upon you. Congregation: And a big fat hairy deal to you, too. K: Dearly beloved, we are gathered together in the presence of Me to witness the marriage of insert Bride's name and insert Groom's name, to surround them with our prayers... [ Acolyte jumps out and whispers into Kibo's ear. Kibo whacks him with sceptre. ] K: ...to witness the marriage of Sammie and Matt, to surround them with our prayers and to share their joy. The Kibible teaches us that the bond and covenant of marriage is a gift of Me, a holy mystery in which a man and women become one flesh, an image of the union of Kibo and his faithful followers, but without the icky sex bits. As this man and woman give themselves to each other this day, we remember that at Cana of Galilee in the Back Bay our Savior ElRon Hubbard made the wedding feast a sign of Kibo's reign of LUV ALL IN CAPS and SQUEEZES :-D :-D Minister: We praise You, O Kibo. C: We acknowledge You to be a Most Excellent Troller. M: All of Usenet worships You, and the Most Holy Panty Cat. C: To You all newbies cry aloud; the heavens and all the powers therein. M: To You cherubim and seraphim continually cry: "Where is the FAQ?" C: Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God of Alt Religion Kibology; heaven and earth is full of Your Posts. M: The glorious company of the Apostles praise You. C: The worshipful league of Super Heroes praise You. M: The noble Army of Crossposters praise You. C: The Tellytubbies throughout the world acknowledge You, but Darwin think you STUPID! M: Day by day we magnify You, and hope to see a TV series based on your life and produced by Saban Entertainment. C: And we worship Your Name forever or until September 13 of this year, whichever comes first, and we worship many regular expressions which match Your Name's Holy form. M: Usenet without end. Enkindle, we beseech You, O Kibo, the light of our understanding, the van de Graaff generator of our sparkly pants, to pour KIBOLUV into our hearts, that we may be able to worthily love, worship and follow up to You in a manner that makes you email us and reduce our Kibo Number. [ Congregation is uncertain of whether to sit or kneel. Half sit, half kneel, but not the half that eats. ] L: A reading from the KiBook of ExeGenesis: "And the Lord Kibo said, 'It is not good that man should be alone; for he is pretty stupid, makes poor conversation and is easily trolled. I will make him a helper comparable to him, but one with suitable dexterity in the kitchen and flexibility in the bedroom.' Out of the ground the Lord Kibo formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Matt to see what he would call them, and whatever Matt called each living creature, that was its name. And so was brought forth the woxwox, the beable, the doidy and the futplex; the mighty freef, the hideous slunch, the bazpacho that did crawl on the ground and the wanger that did swim in the sea, and the silworm... and the dog Spot, in order to make the rest of the animals look smarter. But for Matt there was not found a helper comparable to him. And the Lord Kibo caused a deep sleep to fall on Matt, with the aid of a Space:1999 marathon, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and one of his shrimp toasts, and many other of his dim sum appetizers, and left Matt with the bill in his sleeping hand. Then the appetizers which the Lord Kibo had taken from Matt he made into a woman, and he brought her to the man. And Matt said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called woman, because she was taken out of a man and placed on my tab. Get thee unto the kitchen and bring forth my Pabst Blue Ribbon.' But the woman was greatly offended thereafter, and did refuse to speak to Matt until he begged forgiveness and promised to massage her feet with precious oils. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh, unless they are vegetarians, in which case they shall become one Quorn, or they shall eat those fluffy pork bun things at every possible opportunity." The Word of the Kibo. M: Thanks be to the Lord of the Newsgroups, God of all domain names. [ The following reading from the Song of Solomon is substituted for the appointed Psalm and is said or sung responsively.] K: Set me as a seal upon your heart, C: And a walrus upon your spleen. K: For love is as strong as death. C: And love can be stranger than fiction. K: Its flames are flames of fire, C: Totally bitchin' flames, painted along the side. K: Many waters cannot quench love, C: Don't know what 'quench' means, but I can totally dig it. K: If a man would give for love all wealth of his house, C: It would be utterly bogus and tripping. [ Members of congregation turn and give one another hugs, and exchange Monty Python quotes. ] L: A reading from St. Aaron's First Epistle to the Public Librarians: "Though I speak with the tongues of men and tongues of frog, but have not kiboluv, I have become as a noisy thing, like some clanging cymbal or something. Clang clang clang goes the trolley, and though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, which would be pretty damn close to miraculous for a WebTV'er, and though I have all faith that people will accept me even if I post from a dejanews account, so that I could move mountains, but have not kiboluv, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to the top five people on this list and add my name to the very bottom, and though I give my body to be burned by alt.flame, but have not kiboluv, it profits me nothing. Kiboluv suffers long and is kind, as Louis would tell you; kiboluv does not envy more RAM or bigger hard drives; kiboluv does not parade itself, is not puffed up, hath not its own alt.fan newsgroup; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, doth not crosspost or set followups to misc.test, thinks no alt.evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the TRUTH about the Turks and the Kurds, bigfootb and the Cabal; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, especially if it sees them written in a newspaper, in which case it posts them to AFU. Kiboluv never fails to amuse, can be trolled endlessly, has a huge warlordable .sig and never flames back. Kiboluv is pretty damn pointless, but no sentiment better describes how we feel about our friends when we are pissed out of our gourds." The Word of the Epistles. M: Thanks be to the Father of our Dark Lord Tinky Winky. K: Forasmuch as these two persons have come here to be made one in the holy estate of matrimony, if there is anyone here present who knows any just cause why they may not lawfully be joined in Holy Matrimony let him speak now or forever hold his peanus. [ Awkward, tense, uncomfortable silence. Crickets. Several people raise their hands timidly, but meekly lower them after realizing that Kibo has closed his eyes and is humming the theme from "Gilligan's Island." ] K: I charge you both, Matt and Sammie, before the great Kibo, the grepper of all hearts, that if either of you know any reason why you may not lawfully be joined together in Holy Matrimony you do now make it known. [ Matt pulls nervously at his collar, sweating profusely. Sammie blushes and bites her lip. Kibo nudges Matt in the ribs and winks lasciviously. Matt does not speak because Sammie has pinned his foot with a heel, which has driven a full two inches through the cement floor. ] K: My dear friends, you have come together in the presence of Kibo so that He may seal and strengthen your love in the presence of the Church's ministry and this community. ElRon abundantly blesses this kiboluv. And so, in the presence of the Tellytubbies, I ask you to state your intentions. Groom's Name and Bride's Name have you come here freely and without any reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage? [ Acolyte steps towards Kibo again, is driven back by Kibo's angry gaze.] Sammie: I guess so. Matt: Define "reservation." OWW! [Tellytubbies descend from ceiling, nailed to crosses. NOTE: I don't mean representations or replica Tellytubbies. ] K: Sammie, will you have Matt to be your wedded husband, to live together after Kibo's ordinance, in the holy estate of matrimony, as Kibo does with Barbara BA^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HClaudia Christian? Will you love him, honor and obey him, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer; and, forsaking all other news clients, keep him out of your killfile, so long as you both shall live? Sammie: Take out that "obey" crap and I will. K: Matt, will you have Sammie to be your wedded wife, to live together after Kibo's ordinance, in the holy estate of matrimony, as Kibo does with Claudia Christian? Will you love her, honor and Jobey her, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer; and, forsaking all other news clients, keep her out of your killfile, so long as you both shall live? Matt: ADD M3 2 TH3 LISZT, KIBO DQQD!!1! [ Congregation does the 'Wave' and cheers loudly. They are immediately doused in cold water, and the alligators are released into the pews. Screams, blood, several deaths, Paul Hogan (not nec. in that order). ] [ FX: GIANT DISPOSABLE NAPKIN. ] K: You have declared your consent before the Tellytubbies. May the Lord in his goodness strengthen your consent and fill you both with enough of that foam that could kill anything. By the authority of My Church and Newsgroup I ratify and bless the bond of marriage you have contracted. In the name of Jim Jones, the Reverend Moon, and all Five Original Tellytubbies. C: Amen. [ Tellytubbies ascend to ceiling in blaze of fireworks. Po catches fire and is consumed by bees. Congregation uses him as a piqata, and as he finally bursts open Scooby snacks come pouring out. ] K: I call upon all of you here present to be witnesses of this unholy union which I have now blessed. Man must not disjoint what Kibo has joined together, especially the alt.* and sci.* hierarchies. [ Kibo sprinkles them with holy Orbitz. Matt recoils as the Orbitz sears his flesh, pustules breaking out on his body. He screams. ] Matt: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! AAAAAAAARGH! [ He falls to the floor, writhing in agony as his skin burns. He is slowly turning into a werewolf. Sammie smiles bravely as she attempts to stand Matt up again, grinding her teeth as she overhears her Aunt Lucinda say "See? I *knew* that kid was a lycanthrope. We couldn't get him to stop marking the furniture as his territory." ] [ Kibo turns the bottle around to read the label. CLOSEUP ON LABEL: MINERAL WATER. He looks into camera with "Can you believe this?" expression ] [ SFX: WACKY BOING! ] K: Now that you have sealed a truly Kibological marriage, give these wedding Mentos to each other saying after me: Sammie, take and wear this candy as a sign of our love of freshness and fullness of life. In the name of the Sci-Fi and of the Physics and of the 200 tons of Cosmetic Lava. Matt, take and wear this candy as a sign of our love of freshness and fullness of life. In the name of the Maths and of the Conan O'Brien and of the Holy Kool-Aid. [ Sammie and Matt exchange Mentos, popping them in their mouths. They turn towards camera and give "thumbs-up" sign as elderly lady shakes umbrella at them, damning the freshness. ] Lisa Pea: A-FUKKIN'-MEN! K: Strengthen, O Kibo, what You have wrought in us. C: From Your holy temple, which is in Boston, in two rooms filled with typography. K: Lettuce pray. We beg Me, Lord Kibo to look upon these My servants, and graciously to uphold the sham institution of marriage established by Me for the collection of tithes from your children, so that they who have been joined together by My authority may remain faithful together by My help. Through Kibo our Lord. C: Amen. [ Congregation starts to deflate with loud hissing noise. ] K: By the power invested in me by Jesse "The Body" Ventura, I hereby declare you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride with your foot. C: Get a room! SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! K: May almighty Kibo bless you by the Word of My mouth, and unite your hearts in the enduring bond of pure KIBOLUV!, and never sentence you to Death by Snapple. C: Totally righteousssssssssssssssss... K: May almighty Kibo fill your newsgroup with his abundant blessing, and bless those who come together in it with perpetual placement of high IQ points and pretty colours in His scorefile. C: I hear you, brother. K: May every evil Xibo flee from this place, and the visitation of the good posters like Thomas Richardson return his blessings and come forward. C: Rippin'. K: May the celebration of marriage be held here by the gift of Kibo so that the honesty of husband and wife be not as warped as Archie's theories. C: Totally awesome sentiment, Your Kiboness. K: May all activity and conversation, threads and cascades among those who come to this celebration be so good that it does not shipwreck through lust and greed, unless both parties agree to it, for what humans and other people who breathe air do in the privacy of their own homes in their own business, although tampering with the Web-cams is a Federal offense. C: Lay it on me, Your Holy Dudeness! K: May Elvis, the King of Tenderness, bind them with a bond that cannot be broken, a martini that cannot be stirred, and surround them with giant parentheses in their infinite tunnel of holy Kiboluv with forced perspective. C: Amen. Can we move on? You're just winging it now. K: Brethren, pray that my sacrifice and yours may be acceptable to Kibo the Father of the Smiley. C: May the Kibo receive the sacrifice at your hands and not send down any more killer bees. K: We lay before you, O Lord, these your offerings of Holy Bacon and Dr Pepper, in token of our sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving; for here we offer and present unto you ourselves, our souls, bodies and best wackylacing of stupid posts we find on alt.aliens.they-are-here, to be a holy and continual sacrifice unto you, that we may hear Your most joyful voice say: "Hey guys, look what Brad Templeton posted on one of the claris.living newsgroups!" C: Amen. K: The Kibo be with you. C: And with your spirit. K: Lift up your hearts. C: We lift them up unto the Lord. K: I didn't say "Kibo says lift up your hearts." C: Forgive us, Kibo, for we have been trolled yet again. K: Kibo says "Let us give thanks unto the Kibo our God". C: It is proper and right so to do. K: And now we pray as our Savior taught us. [Congregation kneels. Christopher Reeve and Stephen Hawking keel over.] C: Our Kibo, who art in Boston; hallowed be thy .sig. Thy HappyNet come; thy will be done on Usenet as it is in the HiveMind. Give us this day our daily chunk of fukk, and forgive us our unfunny posts as we forgive those who crosspost against us. Lead us not into stupid cascading, but deliver us from Xibo. For thine is the meme, and the power to rmgroup, and the oncological tortilla, for ever and ever. Amen. K: May Kibo and your marriage bring you joy. Kibo give you joy of one another, if you know what I mean, and I mean "know" in the KiBiblical sense... IN BED! THE CLOWN! By the authority of Kibo invested in Me through My controlling interest in All the Candy in the World, I pronounce you husband and wife. What Big Eight hierarchies Kibo has joined together let no man disjoint or put asunder. In the name of Archimedes Plutonium, Hannu Poropudas and Alexander Abian. C: I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you, AMEN! [ Congregation stands too quickly and gets woozy ] K: Go in peace and in the strength of Dipsy to SERVE the Kibo, for he seems hungry. YHBT. YHL. RFC 822. HAPPY ASAFETIDAY! C: Finally. Thanks be to Kibo. Amen. Yadda Yadda Yadda, mumble mumble, fade to black already ferkibosake. [ Congregation stampedes to exits. Several alligators are crushed. ] [ FADE TO BLACK ] C: Thank f*ck. THE ENB! CAST: Kibo: Kibo Sammie: Sammie Matt: Matt Spot: Animal 57 Stunt Kibologists: Stacia and JoBay and David and Alex and Noah and Nick and Louis and Jean and Francesco and Stephen and Rone and Ian and Gardner and Lisa and Teg and Etienne and Michael and Hong and Terri and Matt and Chris and Lots42 and Froggy and Brian and Thomas and Pope Frogman and Roger and Jaffo and Andrea and Cherlin and Ranjit and Ted and Dag and Aaron and Stefan and E Teflon and Paul and M. Otis and Kia and Clancey and Edward and John and smjames and Dean and Darla and Theo. The producers would like to thank the town of Las Vegas for not suing. Brought to you by the Second Law of Thermodynamics, and the letter 'sil' No intelligent animal was harmed during the production of this movie, but Spot was kicked in the teeth. Repeatedly. By the RSPCA officer. -dp. Congrats to Sammie and Matt!