Date: Tue, 9 Jan 2001 23:05:03 -0500
Subject: Re: "Hey, WebTV Butt!"
Status: R

In alt.religion.kibology, Kibo wrote:

Someone else is probably commenting on this right now, but because
I don't have time to check at the moment I'll just post this and
anyone who beat me to it can be happy that they were first even
though I'll never know so it doesn't matter.

NEWS FLASH!!!!

->  WebTV now available in genuine Naugahyde

I'm holding out for fake Naugahyde.

->  By Bloomberg News
->  January 9, 2001, 12:10 p.m. PT
->  
->  REDMOND, Wash.--Microsoft is taking a stab at the couch-potato market.

Can't someone please take a stab at WebTV?  With an icepick?

->  The world's largest software maker and La-Z-Boy said they're
->  teaming to sell the first "e-cliner,"

I think I'll dee-cline to comment on how e-tupid that sounds.

->  a reclining armchair outfitted with Microsoft's WebTV Internet service.

Do you move the cursor with your butt?

->  La-Z-Boy's Explorer model comes with a keyboard, a Sony WebTV
->  receiver, and two months of the interactive TV service, which
->  lets users surf the Internet and play along with game shows
->  such as "Jeopardy."

That's right, the only TV program to contain the special "interactive"
WebTV signal is the one with the reputation of being only for High-Q
DoubleDome Brainiac MegaNerds.  Well, okay, it's just a stuipd show about
who won which Oscar and who won which World Series, but people who
would buy WebTVs would think "Jeopardy" is waaaay too smart for them.

I think "Wheel Of Fortune" is the other show which supports WebTV,
although I'm not expecting them to keep it up because a few years ago
they sold little handheld "Interactive Wheel Of Fortune" games for
playing along and they didn't bother transmitting the special signal
for more than a few months, so sooner or later "Wheel Of Fortune"
will say "We're going to stop putting the special WebTV bits into
our TV signal because we don't like it when people can play along with
our game show.  It costs too much money to send invisible information
along with all those pictures."

->  The "e-cliner" is Microsoft's latest push to woo home
->  consumers to its software and services.

Because NOBODY HAS A COMPUTER AT HOME YET!!!

->  At the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas on Saturday,
->  chairman Bill Gates highlighted products designed to move the company
->  into the living room from the office, including interactive TV services
->  and its Xbox video-game console, to be introduced later this year.

Yes, it can play video games really well and it lets you watch
DVD movies but it's much more interesting to talk about the
expensive plastic chair that lets you pretend you're actually
talking to Alex Trebek while you watch one, possibly two, game shows.

->  WebTV users can log on without leaving the recliner, using a
->  keyboard that's built into a fold-out tray table in the
->  chair's left arm, similar to an airline snack tray.

It can hold almost an entire airline serving of pretzels.

->  The keyboard connects to the receiver using an infrared beam. 
->  It's designed to let users stand up and sit down without putting
->  the keyboard away.

Because we need to be able to continue typing while we walk to
the bathroom, dammit!

->  The chair's left arm also houses a 120-volt outlet

which connects to the person's left arm, and this metal colander
fits over their head.  The three "Jeopardy" contestants all push
their buzzers at the same time, and none of them knows which of
them will actually excecute The Stupidest Person In America!

->  with a surge protector and ports for high-speed and standard
->  Internet access lines.

I'm sorry, large corporations, you have non-standard Internet access.
Slow down to WebTV's almost-56k speed or you will be sanctioned
by the U.S. Department Of Internet Standards, which owns the Internet.

->  Not to be outdone, the right arm contains a drink holder and
->  storage space that La-Z-Boy described as perfect for holding a
->  remote control and TV Guide.

THAT'S RIGHT!  THE WEBTV GIVES YOU INTERACTIVE TV LISTINGS!  AND
HERE'S WHERE TO PUT THE PAPER COPY WHICH IS EASIER TO USE, CHEAPER,
AND DOESN'T SHIMMER WHILE YOUR EYES BLEED!

->  Customers must provide their own television and phone line.

WHAT A RIPOFF!  THE WEBTV SHOULD INCLUDE THE ENTIRE BELL TELEPHONE SYSTEM!
THEY SHOULD DELIVER IT IN A REALLY BIG TRUCK!

I AM SHOUTING BECAUSE I AM INFECTED WITH WEBTV FEVER!  EXCUSE THE
ALL CAPS BUT I AM GETTING STUPIDER!

->  The chair sells for $1,049 in fabric and $1,299 in leather and
->  vinyl, the companies said in a statement.

I see a market for leather computers but want to know whether people
who buy WebTVs can even tell the difference between burlap and
leather, Kibo said in a rhetorial question.

->  Copyright 2001, Bloomberg L.P. All Rights Reserved. Ê Ê

And Bloomberg news is available on expensive little dedicated terminals
which are NOT built into La-Z-Boy recliners!


                                     -- K.

                                        In other news, Apple has
                                        gone back to making
                                        laptop computers with CORNERS.