Date: Sat, 17 Apr 1999 06:03:57 -0400 (EDT) Subject: Re: Cruelty-free condoms Status: R [This grew out of a thread about a new condom variety that vegans-of-conscience could use without flinching. Or something like that.] kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) says: David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > CRUELTY-FREE CONDOMS WIN APPROVAL OF CAMPAIGNERS David, I'm going to have a hard time making fun of the way you made fun of that newspaper or magazine article if you don't tell me where you got it so I can make fun of how you were reading Highlights For Perverts. > Exactly who were they campaigning AGAINST? This headline makes it sound > like there's a coalition dedicated to making sexual experiences > painful... and who would want THAT? Some kind of GOD-HATING DEVIATES? The kind of people who would insist on putting a fluorescent orange safety tip on each point of your French Tickler. You know, like those things they put on fencing swords that make them not sharp enough to kill you but still sharp enough that you have to wear quilted white pajamas and a Darth Vader helmet while playing with the safety sword. > > Vegans will no longer have to suppress their loving nature with the > > arrival of a cruelty-free condom, campaigners said today. > > Now they'll have to suppress their loving nature using other methods! > Like extra-cruelty aluminum condoms covered in splinters and tipped with > curare! On the inside! Ingredients: Broken glass, sandpaper, sandpepper, live rodents, durian jelly, shredded fiberglas with barbed tips, snapping turtles that haven't been fed, staple pullers, expired Cheez Whiz. > > The range of condoms has been manufactured using no animal > > ingredients or derivatives, in line with vegan beliefs. > > YES, I TOO BELIEVE THIS CONDOM HAS BEEN MANUFACTURED WITHOUT ANIMAL > INGREDIENTS. > > I ALSO BELIEVE THIS BACON IS KOSHER. Yeah, it's good that they're the only people who figured out how to get latex sap from something other than a veal calf. > If you're a Vegan, then how come you're wearing LEATHER BONDAGE GEAR? > Huh? Answer me THAT, star-man! What, they don't have COWS on VEGA, > Lyra boy? Huh? > > I met a Vegan once who had Venera 7 Disease. I lost contact with her a > few times. I had a big crush on her... with my massive atmosphere. > > > Traditionally the processing of latex, used to make condoms, has > > involved the use of casein - a milk protein. Oh, yeah, and milking the cow is so cruel compared to just never milking the cow until she EXPLODES!!! > From www.casein.com: > > "Sodium Caseinate is a factor in binding processed meats -- sausages, > luncheon meats, liverworst, meat loaves. It also acts as an emulsifier > for fat." > > So... casein, which is used to make condoms, is also used to bind ground > up meat. > > Excuse me for a second. > > > > AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! > > I added some casein to bind my ground beef and it made a lovely softcover book. Extremely softcover. Getting softer and fuzzier every day. > > Vegans shun milk because its production involves breeding calves > > destined for the meat industry, which they regard as cruel. > > But if they're DESTINED for the meat industry, who are YOU to deny them > their fate? What are you, a CALVINIST? > > CALLBACK STARDATE: 1996. Wait, was that before we converted from Julian to Gregorian stardates? You'll have to give me the n-dimensional Cartesian time coordinate of that era within the Kibological Time Polytope so that I can put new batteries in my light cone and untangle this fouled world line. > > But the range from German manufacturer Condomi utilises cocoa powder > > instead and has been awarded the Vegan Society's seal of approval. > > They love animals SO much, a freaking FLIPPER-FOOTED SEA LION is their > authority on what products are safe to use. "Oh, sure go ahead... that > Thalidomide is perfectly safe." How about a DUGONG? Or a MANATEE? > > MIRAMANATEE!! > > I had something to say about the fact that these condoms will be > chocolate-flavoured, but I forgot. I think it was something like, "Dear sci.physics, I like chocolate even better than other kinds of candy. Here is a list of 58 kinds of candy I buy everyday. The universe is a giant chocolate-flavored condom with mimes running through it. Atom!" > Also, I think they should be made with coca powder, not cocoa powder, > for reasons I'll avoid mentioning in this fine family newsgroup. You are so mean grinding up Imogene Coca just to make your cruelty-free condom. > I REFUSE TO USE THE WORD 'NOSTRIL' IN THIS POST, OTHER THAN THIS ONE TIME. I use 'NOSTRIL' ever day because it keeps away those damn 'STRIL' that keep stealing Wonder Woman's mind with Mork's glowing egg that sticks to foreheads with magical double-faced tape. Then Dack Rambo gets his orders to destroy the Earth from his boss, who is either Earl Boen wearing too much lipstick or Lance Henriksen wearing too much lipstick and a lot of pancake to hide wrinkles. > > Vegan Society general manager Richard Fairhall said: "Much to their > > frustration vegans in the UK have long been denied access to a > > cruelty-free condom. > > The reason for this, according to the condom industry, is because > "they're weak, tend to break easily and emit an unpleasant smell. And > they probably couldn't afford the condoms anyway." Vegans worldwide > protested this description by attempting to write a letter, before > collapsing from anaemic exhaustion mid-way through the process of > looking for a cruelty-free pen. Vegans don't just _break_! They _snap_! I mean, look at Hitler! He was a vegetarian. Just think, if he had had a good condom, World War II would have been RUINED FOREVER! Also, he may have been a vegan, but he sure loved his barbecue sauce. > > "The launch of Condomi's range changes all that - no longer will > > vegans have to suppress their natural instinct to make love not war." > > Before the introduction of this condom, vegans were apparently killing > each other left and right. MAKE LOVE, NOT CRUELTY-FREE WAR! DROP OUT, > TURN ON, TUNE IN, COND OM. But love is an act of aggression, in much the way that comedy is, or that suicide is a murder turned inside-out, or a balloon is a condom on steroids. > > Condomi condoms are available through the Family Planning > > Association and are soon to go on sale in Superdrug stores priced > > from #1.99 for a pack of three. > > Condomi! New from Sanrio! Get 'em at your local condomicile. Now with tangy condomicilemon scent! For less condomicilemoney! Which will bring a smile to your condomicilemoneyes! Cows can't make puns so they're not as cute as meeeeeee! > -dp. > Avoiding the obvious > reference to meat. I was going to ask if I could substitute a small salad for the vegetarian condom, but then I thought about asking whether cruelty-free condoms are really cruelty-free from the standpoint of the spermatozoa, and that's a funny word because it ends in -zoa like protozoa and metazoa and bozoa, which makes me hope Bozo is wearing a condom right now without really wanting to know if he is. -- K. Help control the Bozo population, have your local Bozo spayed or neutered. Date: Sat, 17 Apr 1999 06:07:35 -0400 (EDT) Subject: Re: Cruelty-free condoms Status: R kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) says: David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > > > > > CRUELTY-FREE CONDOMS WIN APPROVAL OF CAMPAIGNERS > > > > David, I'm going to have a hard time making fun of the way you made fun of > > that newspaper or magazine article if you don't tell me where you got it > > so I can make fun of how you were reading Highlights For Perverts. > > It was crossposted between alt.sex.fetish.robots and the "Inspirational > Stories for Young Christians" column in Boy's Life. I think that someday someone needs to cross-post an article between alt.religion.kibology and The Bible. "Honey, I just opened our Bible, and it has all these weird headers in it..." "Oh, it must be one of those new Polyglot Internet Bibles. The Filtered Followuped Version." > [...three inches of mirth deleted...] > > I hate the fact that petroleum-based products cause condoms to dissolve, > meaning I'll never be able to fulfill my fantasy of practicing safe sex > in the La Brea tarpits. Ewww. You've been watching way too much "Laverne & Shirley", the most perverted show ever. I mean, not only was there that one where Lenny and Squiggy wrestled in The La Brea Tar Pits (whose name is Spanish for "El The La Brea Tar Pits") but last night, Nick At Nite played that episode where Lenny and Squiggy were on "The Dating Game" and the girl ran away so the host told Squiggy that meant he could choose ANYONE to date, AND HE CHOSE LENNY! > Vegans will be to blame if I get dinosaur herpes. I GET TO SEE THE GUTS > OF A SEVEN-MILLION YEAR OLD TURTAL! The really sad thing is that when I was at the New England Aquarium I was too busy reading the lines like "I GET TO SEE THE GUTS OF A TURTAL" in the guest book to remember to actually look at the guts of the turtal. > [...fifteen inches of fun...] > > > Help control the Bozo population, have your local Bozo spayed or neutered. > > And we know you can't use Bozo's nose as a condom, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Yes, but Dave, I know that *you* COULD use Bozo's nose as a condom. There's something wrong with your brain. And while we're passing out wuv vibes here on alt.religion.kibology to restore the old-time wuv to the group, I just want to tell you that I wuv the fact that you're a real sicko because it makes me look normal by comparison. > because it's made out of ground-up bozoa constrictors. I would just like to point out that I have, on at least one occasion since 1990, mentioned the "BOZE NOSE BOOKS" poster of Bozo shoving his big fat honking nose into a book at the Boston Public Library. I think Don Saklad started hanging around there right after they took it down. > -dp. > PLEASE! SOMEBODY > STOP THIS THREAD! > WE'VE ALREADY TRIED > SUMMONING HITLER! (Hitler enters, wearing Bozo's nose. And it's not where you think.) HITLER: Ha! Ha! If I wear this wacky clown makeup, the Allies will stop bombing me because I will automatically become funny if I paint my face white and wear a rainbow wig! WINSTON CHURCHHILL: Yes, but sir, in the morning, I will STILL have a big red nose. BORIS YELTSIN: HYAR HYAR HYAR!!! (Boris Yeltsin shouts "EIGHT DELICIOUS RUM CAAAAAKES!" and falls down the stairs while holding them. The Hitler teaches the kids the letter ess-tsett.) -- K. So if German had a special symbol for two of each letter, what would the others look like?