In a previous article, tanner@aros.net (Stephen Tanner) says: [[Disclaimer: The following preview has been rated PG on the troll-o-meter. It is safe for most normal human beings to view it. Do not, however, attempt to take any of it seriously. This disclaimer is not required by Leader Kibo]] "CHOMSKY" THE MOTION PICTURE Announcer: The English Language is about to E*X*P*L*O*D*E! No refuge is safe from linguistic peril! Mom: Here, I brought up "Gravity's Rainbow" for a goodnight story. Kid: Aw, Mom! Why did you bring that book I don't want to be read to out of up for? Mom: Aiiiiieeee! My brane is melting! Announcer: A secret government agency must find a new ally... MIB: Mr. Chomsky? We need your help with a linguistic crisis. I'm with intelligence. Chomsky: The CIA? The FBI? The NSA? The KGB? MIB: No, Mr. Chomsky. Our organization is far more secret than those little foo-foo agencies. It's called...the TLA. [ORCHESTRAL STING] Chomsky: And why are you here? I assure you, the guns baked into the cake I sent to East Timor were a complete coincidence-- MIB: Oh, no, nothing like that. We need your help for a linguistic military operation. [ORCHESTRAL STING] Chomsky: You know that I abhor the use of force. MIB: Yes. But we hoped you'd help us, because you're just so butt-ass smart. [ORCHESTRAL STING] MIB: Where the hell are all those stings coming from? Chomsky: You know, I suppose, that my research at MIT has centered around the Minimalist program? [STRING OF ORCHESTRAL STINGS] [PHILIP GLASS ENTERS] Philip Glass: Could it get some wind for the sailboat, and it could-- Steve Reich: It's gonna rain it's gonna rain it's gonna rain-- Tom Waits: Jesus blood never failed me yet never failed me yet-- Chomsky: On second thought, I'll come along. Anything to get out of the office. MIB: We'll be glad to have your help. We're taking on some Whorfians. Announcer: But who is...Whorf? [Fade to black. An emu-like bird strides across the screen.] Chocobo: Hello! I'm the chocobo tutor from FF5! Watch this... Ms. A: Oh shit, I forgot my purse. Ms. B: Please don't be crude. Vulgar words lead to vulgar actions. Ms. A: That sounds almost Whorfian. Ms. B: Huh? Ms. A: Whorf formed a "linguistic relativity" hypothesis, stating that the structure of one's language influences the structure of one's thought. Of course, that's been totally discredited since Chomsky, it's silly to think that grammar or usage can affect behavior. But it's an interesting idea. Ms. B: Hmm...so, Whorf thought that the language someone speaks affects how he thinks. Ms. A: Yes...but please don't use the gender-biased pronoun "he" like that. It reinforces sexist modes of thought. [SFX: WOMP WOMP WOMP WAAHHHHHH] Ms. B: What the fuck was that sound? Announcer: Chomsky is up against the sinister Dr. Loglan... [Dr. Loglan, who looks like Dr. Wily from Mega Man, is giving a big pulpit-pounder of a speech] Dr. Loglan: With a language of logic will come purity of thought! With purity of thought comes power! Mein Fuhrer, I kan walk! [Shot of regimented crowds from Triumph of the Will] Dr. Loglan: We shall speak a language of the mind! A new language of rationality...a language of hope! [MAN enters] Man: I'm sorry, but you're infringing on my copyright. "Language of Hope" is MY schtick. You're trying to copy the "look-and-feel" of Esperanto. KVSKMI, KMOVS. [Neon sign lights up above man: IT'S DR.ZAMENHOF! LAUGH DAMMIT!] [He is dragged off-stage by a squad o' goons] [Shot of regimented crowds from Triumph of the Will] Dr. Loglan: Pay no attention to any rumors regarding Dr. Lojban's absence. We must move forward together! Today the utterance, tomorrow the world! [Shot of regimented crowds from end of Star Wars. Subtitle: OOPS! Wrong film.] Announcer: Meanwhile, at a secret base... MIB: This is our top-secret underground base. We call it...Deep Structure. And here is our ultimate weapon. [gestures toward giant humanoid robot] We call it...TRANSFORMATIONAL GRAMMAR! [SMALL CHILD runs in] Child: Transformational grammar is friend to all children! [CHILD runs out] Chomsky: Keen! But what do I do? MIB: This weapon is not responding to our controls. We think that you are the only one who can commannd...Transformational Grammar! [SMALL CHILD runs in] Child: Transformational grammar is friend to all children! [CHILD runs out] Chomsky: Hmm.... Badly dubbed man: The city is under attack! Quickly! We must activate! Chomsky: COLORLESS GREEN IDEAS SLEEP FURIOUSLY! [Robots leap from their receptacles in a mighty transformation scene] FORM...N-BAR! AND...PP! FORM...VP! AND...ADJ! NOW FORM...THE S! [The robot flails away in wall-destroying poses, sending debris flying everywhere.] [SMALL CHILD runs in] Child: Transformational grammar is friend to all...OOF! [CHILD is crushed under pile of debris] Child: Mommy! My spine! [Transformational Grammar swoops in to pull child out] Child: Don't move me! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [Cut to a sinister laboratory. Machinery coils across the floor. Someone welds something in the middle-distance. Dr. Loglan is conversing with Whorf] Dr. Loglan: So...Mr. Whorf. How goes the design of the Uberlanguage? Whorf: Dammit, I'm an insurance investigator, not a professional linguist! All my research was based in the language of Hopi. [Zamenhof enters] Whorf: I said HOPI! HOPI! Zamenhof: Whoopsie! False alarm. [Zamenhof exits] [Cut to a landing field] MIB: Here is Token La Femme, our French intelligence contact and pilot. Token: Bonjour! Chomsky:Hey baby, wanna create a quadrilabial implosive? [SFX: SMACK!] [cut to airborne plane] MIB: This is the world's only other military linguistic unit. The French language is protected against the onslaught of foreign loanwords by...the <><><> Berets. See that trench below? That's a border patrol. [Cut to trench] Soldier: Zoot alors! Zere eez one! Looks like more of ze wacky American slang! [GUNFIRE] [Cut to plane interior] Chomsky: Interesting. By the way, what's that? MIB: Oh. That's the World's Largest Prime. ************************************************************************ ************************************************************************ ************************************************************************ ************************************************************************ ************************************************************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ (yummy candy ************************ goes here) ************************ >O< >o< >O< ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************ ************************************************ ************************************************ ************************************************ ************************************************ ************************************************ Chomsky: Funny, from this angle, it looks like a giant fishhook. MIB: In a sense, you're not too far wrong. Really. Chomsky: Can we turn the plane right side up now? Announcer: LATER... [cut to bunker] Dr. Loglan: The battle is turning against us! Whorf: What if there is a panic? Dr. Loglan: My super-logical soldiers will never panic! [cut to street. A truck with large speakers cruises up and down] Truck: THERE IS NO NEED TO PANIC! A IS A! RETURN TO YOUR HOMES! EXISTENCE EXISTS! THE DAM HAS NOT BROKEN! [cut to bunker] Whorf: Well, that's all right then. [Suddenly a spherical black bomb is hurled through the door] Whorf: Aaaaaaaah! [Grabs bomb, runs around erratiacally] Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb! Wait, I'll just throw it in that empty metal drum! Dr. Loglan: Nooooooo! [Close-up of metal drum. Sign: GASOLINE. BEWARE OF EXPLOSIVE VAPOR] Martin Landau: I smell gas! [EXPLOSION] Announcer: BUT THE BATTLE CONTINUES! [cut to plane] MIB:We're being attacked by xenophobic maniacs with missile launchers! Token: Aiiiiiieeee! Chomsky: Aiiiiieeee! Token: Aiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee! MIB: Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Chomsky: Wait, what's that!? /^\_(>o<) [Full orchestral arrangement of "Hello Dolly"] | | | O . O | -- Hello Kitty! \_______/ I'm Hello Kitty! Here to send you back to hell where you belong! [Scenes of carnage] MIB: We're saved! /^\_(>o<) | | Hello Noam Chomsky! | O . O | -- Let's go home, Chomsky, \_______/ Before this post gets sillier, it's way too long! Announcer: CHOMSKY...THE MOTION PICTURE! Mr. A: I have a strange sentence. Mr. Non-A: Really? Tell it to me, I'm sure I can understand it. Announcer: Coming this December. It's going to be a very Chomsky Christmas. Mr. A: The horse raced past the barn fell down. Mr. Non-A: Aiiiiieeee! My neurons are popping like bubblewrap! Announcer: See it...IF YOU DARE! ------ MOST OF THE JOKES IN THIS POST WERE BOTH OBSCURE AND TENUOUS. THEREFORE, WE ARE PROVIDING PHONE "HUMOR TECH-SUPPORT". ((ring))((ring))((ring))((ring))*click* This is 1-800-KIB-OLUV. If you do not understand an acronym, press 1 now. If you are having trouble with a running gag, press 2. If you need support on pre-1993 jokes, press 3. Harry Claude Cat's posts are Not Funny, so if you are calling about them, please hang up now. Woody Allen: And if I wanted a girl to explain Chomsky to me? Woman: It'd cost you. -- Stephen Will Tanner http://math.wisc.edu/~tanner/