Article: 10454 of alt.religion.kibology From: David Pacheco Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: - Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 18:23:00 -0000 Organization: NO CARRIER In article , teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu says... > lots42@aol.comaol.com. (Lots42) writes: > > > So, what were we talking about? > > We are bemoaning the fact that Alex Suter joined The Band > and now has a life that takes him away from his computer > such that he isn't updating his ARKives of the funniest > stuff on Kibology, the most sublte, complex and honest > honor to be had here. > > Oh, and we're trying to find a way to amplify Joe's meme > from yesterday, but no one is giving any of us an opportunity > to work "anal warts" into a sensible post. > > Also, today I managed to stick my finger into someone else's > ear while we were both riding our bikes. Pretty fast, too. > > We were talking about that. And not only, but also, we were talking about how difficult it is to get blood out of a wedding dress. And, relatively speaking, how easy it is to get blood ON a wedding dress. And discussing why God had decided to barcode the zebras, but none of the other animals: were they running out of stock? Did they keep getting stolen? If so, couldn't he just have a zebra naturally evolve The Club on its tail or instead of a hoof on one leg or something? And we were talking about why Mazinger Z didn't just use his photo-atomic rays as they FIRST weapon, since they always seemed to work after he had the crap beat out of him, and much better than Aphrodite A's mammary missiles. Plus, why Ted Turner seems intent on making everyone in the U.S. really dumb by turning TBS into the All- Wrestling channel, and the location of the secret Tellytubby molting grounds, and whether time is discrete or whether the Universe was being animated in Claymation, and whether the dancing baby on Ally McBeal had a soft spot on its head through which you could hammer a 6" nail using just the palm of your hand, and whether ontogeny *really* recapitulates phylogeny or if that's just a conspiracy promulgated by the phylogeneticists because they are jealous of the ontogeneticists. Also whether you could make lawn art out of anal warts, and we concluded that you could, as long as you somehow got rid of the extra 'a' and 's' somewhere else in the sentence, like in this one, and how I'm going to write a superhero comic about Short Attention Span Man in which the heroine and love interest is named "Lana Straw" and is morbidly afraid of mirrors, and his arch enemy is Glittery Sparkly Guy, who has powers to distract Short Attention Span Man with conveniently placed "SALE! TODAY ONLY!" signs. And Glittery Sparkly Guy got his superpowers because as a child he was bitten by a radioactive disco ball at a gay bar in Happy, Texas, where the deer and the antelope play hardball, and the air tastes like rancid milk on bread with a slug on top and some cheap fertilizer and a bunny rabbit with halitosis, plus Nyquil. And Short Attention Span Man can't remember how he got his superpowers, but he knows his one weakness is MTV, and when he needs to be alone he can go up to his Fortress of Ritalin in the North Pole. And his one pal (aside from Lana) is Jimmy Whitebread, an innocent, sweet, freckled- faced youngster who thinks Clitoris is the Zodiac sign between Cancer and Pisces, but who is secretly Radioactive Boy, a superhero who has the power to give anyone super powers by biting them. The only problem is that the super powers are related to whatever Radioactive Boy is thinking about at the time, and Radioactive Boy is obsessed with Corbin Bernsen, so now the world is populated by an ever-increasing number of people who have superpowers only while in close proximity to Corbin Bernsen, and this is starting to piss Corbin off because he keeps having to go to disaster areas so that these new superheroes can save lives, which makes Corbin angry every time he gets dragged off the set of "Frozen Assets II - Seedless in Seattle" since he works so hard to stay in character during filming but every couple of hours he finds himself in Thailand or London or Moscow under the arm of a dental hygienist from Flatbush who can bend steel bars with her teeth but who has yet to find an emergency situation in which this super power is useful for saving lives, but who won't give up trying. And quite frankly, the Emergency Services are starting to get pissed at her because she keeps showing up at cities hit by earthquakes, famine and drought zones, forest fires, floods, dam collapses, mudslides, Tory party conferences, war zones and other disaster areas, flying around and yelling "Anybody here need steel bars bent? I can bend them with my teeth, you know!" and nobody ever needs that particular power and everybody wishes she would just leave Corbin alone so he could be picked up by Human Detector Man, who can detect humans under piles of rubble, snow, mud, ash, lava, garbage, plasticine, collapsed library books, cans of peaches, dead puppies, medical waste, discarded dentures, alien waste matter, leftover apple crumble, confiscated Calvin Klein imitation underwear.. pretty much anything under which a human can be buried, and so is therefore much more useful in emergencies. But she won't, she's committed to keep trying, and people are starting to hate her, which makes her try even harder because she believes that people will like her eventually if she saves a life, anyone's life, but it never happens, and people are starting to dislike Corbin too because they think he should talk to her and get her to stop, and Corbin is concerned this redirected dislike will affect the box office of the movie he's working on, but he's secretly in love with Steel Bars Bent With Teeth On Demand Woman and so can't bring himself to tell her to stop because then he'd never get to see Steel Bars Bent With Teeth On Demand Woman use her one super power again, and he finds the communion of gleaming steel and super strong white teeth deeply erotic, which is something he cannot confess to his wife because she has crooked, off-white teeth and would be devastated by the knowledge of these needs she can't fulfill. And Human Detector Man and Steel Bars Bent With Teeth On Demand Woman and Corbin Bernsen think they have it bad, they believe fate has dealt them a difficult hand, like two Kings and a Queen and two Aces but they're playing Blackjack, but they can't compare their problems to Demolition Lad's, who got his powers when Radioactive Boy bit him while watching a PBS special on the Loizeaux family, and now whenever he presses any button an apartment building implodes in slow motion. And we were discussing how I could write the character arc for a character who keeps wandering off in the middle of the action, and whether people would be interested in a comic book for which the main story line in every issue is "Super Hero walks into a room and then forgets why he came in". And while I think Short Attention Span Man will be a major hit in the Alzheimer's community, others in the group pointed out that they will only buy the first issue and then re-read it over and over, so I won't ever see any profits after Short Attention Span Man #1, "Short Attention Span Man vs. The Plot of Mission Impossible: The Movie", in which Short Attention Span Man keeps asking whether Jim Phelps is a good guy or a bad guy and the people in front of him in the movie theatre keep turning back and going "SHHHH!" so he can never figure it out [See #1 - Ed], and eventually he wanders out of the theatre on page 15 and almost gets hit by a bus. > Where's my nailfile? It's with me, now. -dp. Plus, we all talked about how I was just offered a major book deal. Apparently, I can buy 5 for only $1 plus S&H!