Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1999 03:15:59 -0400 (EDT) Subject: Re: "The Play" Trilogy, Parts 1-7, Commemorative Edition Status: R david_pacheco@lineone.net (David Pacheco) says: In article <7o5vl6$6lj$1@hiram.io.com>, stacia@io.com.guacamole (The Avocado Avenger) wrote: > How many Deja posts am I going to have to go through to get the entire > play in one lump? I mean, the play as it is, not the other parts > ("prequels") which will come out soon, according to George Lucas who was > on Rosie today, and who looks as plump and juicy as a New York ham. Only ONE, dearest Stacia, and THIS one is IT! All the plays, collected for the first time in one place and leather-bound with a rubber ball placed in their mouth to stifle the screams! Plus, we have two added benefits in this re-release: a digitally enhanced quadrophonic Sensa-round system that recreates with perfect fidelity the sound of you reading and your surroundings at the time, plus no new scenes to distract you from the fine, hand-woven mahogany script. PLUS! A brand new scene previously thought to be lost, but now discovered to have just been napping! And you can have my wristwatch, because I just can't get used to your species' concept of 'time'. The first "prequel" will be released in early 2004, if all goes according to schedule, and will give the backstory which explains how Police Officer O'Hara's gender is determined by consensus among the readers of the play, on a scene-by-scene basis. O'Hara's gender is *never* fixed by the author before the scene is read, but once it HAS been read, and the 'she'/'he' - 'his'/'her' indeterminacy has been fixed, it is fixed forever. This is why you can now go back and re-read the play and O'Hara's gender will be the same in each scene as it was when you first read it. I didn't change O'Hara's gender, Mr. Dean Lenort: YOU did. "The Play" Trilogy, Parts 1-7, The Special Edition, with retouched effects, previously unseen characters, scenario and actual humour, will be released in late 2003 to generate interest in the series again and prepare for the prequels. Figurines that quote lines from "The Play" are available at your local toy store, along with the "Magical David Pacheco Voice Changer!" that provides hours of entertainment by making David Pacheco's voice sound EXACTLY LIKE YOURS when you speak through the special microphone! Pose requires hand support. Now, sit back, open wide, and take it like a human. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: The Play Author: David Pacheco Date: 1999/03/02 Forum: alt.religion.kibology Senza Prenotazione Productions is proud to present the Internet debut of international film star ANTONIO RAIMUNDO MASCARPONE in "Non sto portando i pantaloni" An adventure/romance in three acts, and one giant disposable napkin ACT ONE: In which our heroine, Seqora Leona Leonora comes to grips with the realization that her birth parents were sterile. SCENE: Nighttime, interior. Seqora Leona Leonora Diego! Diego Sm, Seqora Leona Leonora! Seqora Leona Leonora Sit! Diego Sm, Seqora Leona Leonora. ACT TWO: In which Edelmiro Rojas, captain of the local police squad, establishes the list of suspects in the murder of local business tycoon and marital aid, Bernardino San. SCENE: Daytime, interior of police office. Edelmiro Rojas Aaron, Abel, Adele, Agrippa, Alexander, Amelia, Antoinette, Arby, Axel. Barnaby, Belinda, Bill Bixby... 2nd Lieutenant Seqor Rojas! Seqor Rojas! Edelmiro Rojas What is it, you worthless slime! You have interrupted me! 2nd LT The sun! She explode! [DIES] Edelmiro Rojas Yes. Yes, she will. But not today. Third lieutenant! 3rd LT Yes, Capitan Rojas? Edelmiro Rojas You are promoted. 2nd LT Thank you, my capitan. May we dance? [ They tango ] Edelmiro Rojas You are so young. 2nd LT And you, so beautiful. Edelmiro Rojas Which is why... you must die here today. 2nd LT I understand. [ Looks away, eyes flooded with tears ] Edelmiro Rojas Goodbye. [ Shoots 2nd LT ] 2nd LT [DIES] Edelmiro Rojas [whispered into 2nd LT's ear] The sun... she explode. [ He raises gun to his own temple. ] Edelmiro Rojas Carmen. Cecil. Cigueqo. Coco the clown... [ Fade to black ] ACT THREE: In which the long separated lovers, Fabiana and Giuseppe, finally meet. SCENE: Train station. Exterior. Fabiana Hi. I'm Fabiana. Giuseppe Hi. I'm Giuseppe. Fabiana Please to meet you. Giuseppe Likewise, I'm sure. BOTH GIANT RADIOACTIVE FIRE-BELCHING POISONOUS MUTANT TREE-FROGS! AAAAAAAAAAAH! [ Giant fireball engulfes them both. They DIE. EXEUNT ] ACT FOUR: In which the audience erupts into ecstatic applause for seven solid hours. SCENE: Theatre. Interior of a dog. Audience Bravo! Encore! Author! Bravo! Bravo! ...etc. [ FX: GIANT DISPOSABLE NAPKIN ] EL FIN -dp. This is what happens when I have to look busy in long meetings. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: The Play, Part the Two Author: David Pacheco Date: 1999/03/28 Forum: alt.religion.kibology Frederika Plays Chess with DEATH - o - A play in several acts of violence and an off-screen gunshot - o - Produced by Osmosis Written by Accident Harpooned by Desire Festooned with Flowers - o - [ SCENE: Venice, 1840. FREDERIKA sits on a bridge, despairing over the loss of her lover GIACOMO, who has not been seen since being framed for aggravated apathy by JOHNNY, the Chief of Police. JOHNNY approaches FREDERIKA ] JOHNNY I see... you mourn him. FREDERIKA I glaub, I muass speibn. (I think I'm gonna hurl) JOHNNY Here... take my sleeve FREDERIKA I brauch an Plohtz zum ausschlofn. (I need a place to crash.) JOHNNY You are welcome always at my place... my love. [ Offers hand to FREDERIKA. She looks up, tears streaming down her face. Tentatively, she takes his hand. They walk off-stage. ] FREDERIKA Des is ka Weanaschnitzl. Des schaut aus wia a Wiaschtl im Schlabbaloppn. (This can't be a wienerschnitzel. It doesn't look anything like a hot dog.) [ SCENE: JOHNNY'S house, bedroom. FREDERIKA sits on the bed, wearing disheveled lingerie. ] JOHNNY Why do you still love him? FREDERIKA Dubba dubba dubba you bee. JOHNNY I... I understand. May I kiss you? FREDERIKA Dogs... JOHNNY Yes, Frederika, dogs... all of them dogs. FREDERIKA Don't know. JOHNNY Will you ever know, Frederika? Will you ever understand this is all about you? You are selfish! Like Han Solo! Always think about you! I AM THE DEATH STAR AND YOU TEAR APART MY REACTOR CORE, FREDERIKA! FREDERIKA Dogs don't know. [ JOHNNY collapses to his knees, head on FREDERIKA'S lap, sobbing ] JOHNNY NO! THEY DON'T! THEY DON'T KNOW FREDERIKA, THEY DON'T KNOW! [ Sobs. Frederika absent-mindedly strokes his hair. She consoles him, as if a child. ] FREDERIKA Shhhh. Shhhhh. Dogs don't know, Johnny. It's not bacon. Shhhh. JOHNNY It never was. [ sobs ] FREDERIKA Hush. [ She leans over and bites off his ear. He grimaces, but makes no sound. ] JOHNNY OWWWWWW!! [ I said makes no sound. ] JOHNNY But that HUUUURT! [ Shut up, monkey-boy. FREDERIKA! ] [ FREDERIKA growls and bares her teeth. JOHNNY makes no sound. ] JOHNNY [ That's better. ] [ SCENE: The ball at the Emperor's palace. FREDERIKA and JOHNNY are there, dressed in silk ball gowns. The Emperor is making a toast. ] EMPEROR I proclaim this... the day of Liebfraumilch! [ Gasps of horror. ] EMPEROR What? What did I say? [ EMPEROR is led offstage by howler monkeys. JOHNNY and FREDERIKA stand by the bar, drinking. ] JOHNNY Are you mad at me? For what... we have done? [ FREDERIKA laughs, tossing her head. The bartender catches it, scores from the baseline. ] FREDERIKA HAW HAW HAW! JOHNNY Ah yes... your eyes give story away, yes? You are mad at me. FREDERIKA Johnny... [ She touches his arm, lightly. Their eyes meet, briefly. She removes her arm, and tosses it into the crowd of bridesmaids. Her fingers have left angry red welts on his skin. ] FREDERIKA If only... JOHNNY If only what, Frederika? The heaven and stars I will move for you, if you bid me do it. Tell me... if only what? FREDERIKA We are... dots, Johnny. JOHNNY We are, Frederika. FREDERIKA We are dot. In dot com. [ She throws her drink in his face and storms out of the ball. JOHNNY looks at the crowd apologetically. A murmur of disapproval circles through the crowd, then turns and makes a three-point landing on the returning EMPEROR'S wig. ] FREDERIKA [ Screaming ] A STRUDL IS KAA PEI NET! Is des des Beagl wo di Tschuli Endruhs aum aunfaung vun "te Saund of Mjusic" gsunga hot? (A strudel is not the same as pie! Is this the hill where Julie Andrews sang at the beginning of "Sound of Music"?) [ She leaves ] EMPEROR [ Sympathetically ] You are a gigantic loser, and I want you out of my house immediately, you big poopy-pants moron. JOHNNY [ Trying to be brave ] HOW, PALEFACE! [ Guards sieze JOHNNY and beat him severely, with the assistance of several of the partygoers. ] JOHNNY OWWWWWW! [ He remains silent. ] JOHNNY [ SCENE: bridge from scene 1. JOHNNY sits on bridge, in pose reminescent of FREDERIKA in first scene. He vomits noisily. ] JOHNNY HEEEEEEEEW-AAAAARGH! [ FREDERIKA enters the scene. She is dressed in capri pants and embroidered wooden tube top. ] FREDERIKA Johnny... it is you. JOHNNY Frederika! Oh, how I have missed you... [Runs to her, but she shuns him. She doesn't want vomit in her hair. Her Pomeranian nips at his heels. He stomps on it, breaking its tiny back. It gurgles and dies as FREDERIKA pushes JOHNNY away. ] JOHNNY [ Understanding ] Oh. I see. FREDERIKA You must understand, Johnny. Giacomo has been released. [ JOHNNY turns his back on FREDERIKA ] JOHNNY Then you must go to him. Go. [ FREDERIKA reaches out to him, touches his back. He stiffens, she pulls away. She leaves, quietly. She looks back one last time... and then departs. ] JOHNNY Don't you see... I finally know what it is like. I know what you need, your life is your own, you require... certain things I cannot do without special trusses. And I love, Frederika. I love. I love... what you do for me. [ He turns, hopeful. She has already gone. ] JOHNNY Bugger. [ He looks for her, but she has left. He returns sadly to the bridge. He opens a can of Pepsi and empties it into the water. ] JOHNNY And so... let the waters of my despair leap in their bounty, before I ring for the agony bells in 417 West Finchley. [ CUE theme from "The Goodbye Girl" ] [ JOHNNY runs away, face in his hands, weeping, and becomes a roadie for MOTORHEAD ] LEMMY Hey Johnny, I need a bit more echo on the violins, man. Y'know, in the big finale, da dadaa da duuuummm... right there. JOHNNY You got it, Mr. Kilminster. LEMMY And Johnny... JOHNNY Yes, Mr. Kilminster? LEMMY Some chick was looking for you earlier. Said if I mentioned the Gregorian calendar, the impermanence of virtue and January 19th, 1841, 2:30 in the afternoon, you'd know who it was. JOHNNY Doesn't ring a bell, Mr. Kilminster. LEMMY Well, she's right there behind you. [ He turns, as the violins reach the climax of the overture and relax, smoking cigarettes. CERLAINE, a refugee from a Serbian play, is standing there, dressed in a smoking leather cassoulet. ] LEMMY So you think you got that light sequence squared away, Johnny? JOHNNY It's OK, Mr. Kilminster. I think it's all going to be... just fine. [ They embrace and kiss. CERLAINE leaves them, despondent. ] [ FADE TO BLACK ] { SFX: off-stage GUNSHOT ] THE ENB! -dp. I thought Fade to Black was Metallica? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: The Play, Part the Third Author: David Pacheco Date: 1999/04/04 Forum: alt.religion.kibology "A Dingo et mah behbee" OR "Non, je ne regrette Tianenmen Square" OR "Splash 3: The Phantom Menace" A play in four acts of predatory sexual behaviour in C minor [ SCENE: Norway, mid-17th century. Old, rickety simple country house. Signed, autographed picture of Bob Hope on wall, next to signed, autographed picture of Jesus, and imitation Beach Towel of Turin. "Beach Towel of Turin" gives author another idea, he wanders off and leaves characters SVEN and his son JOACHIM, to fend for themselves. They are kneeling next to bed containing YATZI, SVEN's deceased wife. ] [ SILENCE ] JOACHIM Pssst. Dad. [ SILENCE ] JOACHIM Dad! It's your line. SVEN What? Oh... ummm. Behold, Joachim, the mortal remains of she whom I loved beyond all reckoning, she who gave you suck after your sprouted full-grown from her womb, she who... JOACHIM That's not your line. SVEN Oh, the woe comes down upon my head like mackerel, creatures of eternal night and doom with whom I dare not speak for fear of disturbing their immortal slumber. Oh! The darkness enfolds me like a giant disposable napkin! [ FX: Giant disposable napkin ] JOACHIM I refuse to work under these conditions. SVEN Son! Son! Do not abandon me now to the wolves of loneliness! The vultures of post-traumatic stress syndrome are nipping at my heels, baying for my blood, mooing for the placenta of my discontent! JOACHIM That's it. I quit. [ JOACHIM leaves the room. The author wanders back and picks up where he left off as if nothing happened. ] SVEN JOACHIM! Come! Your father commands you. [ JOACHIM pokes his head back through the door, forgetting to open it first. He has recognized the opening line of the play. ] JOACHIM [ Tentatively, spitting out wood fibres. ] Yes... father? SVEN [ Pointing to YATZI ] Your mother. She is no more. JOACHIM [ Getting back into character ] I don't understand, father. SVEN Come. We must cast her clothes into the dark, brooding sea. JOACHIM But the storm, father. It is dangerous. SVEN You are no son of mine. JOACHIM Yes, yes I am, father! Do not cast me out! SVEN You are not my son. Author Yes, he is. SVEN Oh. [ SVEN turns back towards YATZI. He weeps. ] JOACHIM I will bring the fishnets, father. [ JOACHIM leaves. ] SVEN [ between sobs ] ...and... my... high heels... my son. [ SCENE: Amsterdam, one hundred years later. The city is wracked with guilt for what it feels is its direct involvement in "Chitty-chitty Bang Bang". Everyone dresses in black. It is nighttime, the war blackouts are in effect, and everyone wears coalface. The effect is such profound darkness that several audience members, attempting to flee the show, walk straight into each other. ] PATRONS Ow! My knee! [ The theatre is sued for failing to provide adequate seating for midgets with handlebar mustaches. The action continues onstage, where YARGLAR and MOUSSAKA argue about their impending marriage celebrations. ] YARGLAR No! I must disagree strongly! Croutons are not an appetizer! MOUSSAKA [ looking away ] You... you are in love with someone else. [ YARGLAR is shocked ] YARGLAR I'm... I'm shocked. MOUSSAKA I already knew that. YARGLAR How did you know? MOUSSAKA It was in the stage directions. YARGLAR No, no... how did you know that I was in love with another? MOUSSAKA Your eyes, Yarglar. Your eyes. They belong elsewhere. YARGLAR But we cannot afford the operation, my little Moussaka. MOUSSAKA And this is why you must choose. It is her or me. You must decide between life in the Palace with the fabulously wealthy Princess Nymphomaniaka, or life with me and your job licking spitwads at the factory. YARGLAR Can... I have some time to choose? MOUSSAKA Yes. [ Three days later. No one has moved. ] MOUSSAKA Well? YARGLAR I'm thinking, I'm thinking. [ SCENE: Three years later. MOUSSAKA has moved to Paris. She is the mistress of ANTONIAEDAES PERIPATHETICLESORUM, wealthy Greek international distributor of cats for medical research purposes. She sits in a cafi, while the sun shines outside. People around her are happy, gay, singing, but she does not join in. She sips her laudanum, and writes in her poetry notebook. ] MOUSSAKA So light outside. So dark inside. I hate everything. Except my coconut-covered chocolate bonbons. [ MIKELE walks into cafi. Tall, dark, handsome, stunning, the author's projected wishful and vain self-image. As he walks by, women sitting at their tables explode into flame. He sits at table with MOUSSAKA, who is visibly perspiring. ] MIKELE [ sexily ] Duh. [ Entire neighboring table, a bachelorette party from Washington, self- combusts. MOUSSAKA loosens her collar. ] MOUSSAKA [ nervously ] Do... do I know you? MIKELE BUH-buh! [ MOUSSAKA's breasts catch fire. She beats them out with the author's hand, as punishment for being so fixated. Ow. ] MOUSSAKA [ dismissively ] Ha! What do you know about love and loss, about understanding, about offsides, about the Hot Zone and fat management strategies? I could never... never... [ MIKELE takes MOUSSAKA's hand. It starts to smoke. He looks deep into her eyes. ] MIKELE Buh-NAH-nah! [ MOUSSAKA's head explodes. ] [ SCENE: Paris. Four minutes later. MOUSSAKA and MIKELE have departed. JOLIE and PETARD enter the cafi. They are dressed as tourists. They survey the carnage, smouldering bodies littering the floor. ] JOLIE [ obvious fake American "hick" accent ] Oh, gooo-lly, Petard! This hee-yar cafe [ she pronounces it to rhyme with "strafe" ] shoor don't look lak a five-stahr place ta me! Ha-YUK! PETARD Well shoot, Jo-lie. Let's mosey on dahn ta Burger King and rustle ahrsevles up some greasy fritters! HA-YUK! BOTH HA-YUK! HA-YUK! HA-YUK! [ They leave, embracing. As they open the door, JOLIE is shot in the back by BARTENDER, who is played by CHEECH MARIN. ] BARTENDER MIRAMANATEE! [ Dies. ] [ FADE TO BLACK. ] [ SCENE: Plaza of small South-American banana republic, next to Gap. A fountain in the centre, where small children splash around in the yellow water. A crowd scene, everyone wears khaki trousers and white t-shirts. ] CROWD [ singing ] For we have crossed the waters In our mighty ships The billowing sails move us on. And now we're home once more, With those we've loved before Turn the volume up, 'cause "COPS" is on. SMALL GIRL [ alto, solo ] Turn the volume up, 'cause "COPS" is on, CROWD Do not take away Our freedom yesterday Oh-dee-oh-dee, dee-day With things that last For we are home once more Hear the sheep's mighty roar We who could not get in "Les Miserable's" cast. SMALL GIRL [ plaintive, solo ] We who could not get in "Les Miserable's" cast. [ Weeps ] { SMALL GIRL turns her back to the audience, and through the distinctive markings on her neck, we realize she is the great-granddaughter of JOACHIM. Cries of "Oh!", "Most wonderful!" from the audience as she uses the markings to tell the story in interpretative dance of her grandfather's long trip across the sea to the Promised Land of Schenectady, the perilous stormy waters that capsized the boat, the magic dolphins that saved him and brought him to a tiny island inhabited by fairies, elves and tiny nanorobots who build him a new boat, his second departure for the Promised Land, the dramatic fight against King Neptune alongside the SeaQuest DSV, the long nights alone in the barrel, and the tearful reunion with the cast of "Alice" in "Mel's Diner". ] SMALL GIRL [ turns, singing ] And deus ex machina's are The best endings yet! [ GOD descends from rafters and drops cow on SMALL GIRL, breaking her neck and killing her instantly. ] [ FADE TO BLACK ] THE ENB! [ Rapturous applause. Nobel Prizes. Groupies. Cocaine-fueled orgies in author's new Malibu beachhouse, inevitable descent into oregano madness, rejection by old friends, hitting rock-bottom. Discovering the Lord, joining cult based on reading trails from slugs, shaved head, marriage to a Moonie in mass ceremony with several thousand William Shatner clones. Abduction by family, de-programming session with William Burroughs, welcome back to real world, love of family and tearful promise to never again write another award-winning million- dollar script. ] [ Several years later. Darkened room, containing dust-covered quill, dust-covered writing pad, dust-covered inkwell on dust-covered writing desk. Door creaks slowly open, AUTHOR stands silhouetted. ] [ FADE TO BLACK ] THE SECOND ENB! -dp. [ Dies ] -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Re: The Play, Part the Third Author: David Pacheco Date: 1999/04/04 Forum: alt.religion.kibology In article , etp@The-Institute.org says... > REVIEWER'S NOTE: While The Play overall seemed to live up to all the > media hype over its urgent, penetrating dialogue and hip, thrusting > innuendo, This is my favorite sentence fragment of the millennium so far. > we note that the theme of experimenting on cats was woefully > underdeveloped. That's coming up in Part the Fifth. The mention of Antoniaedaes in this bit was merely for purposes of dramatic foreshadowing. COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NOT NEAR ENOUGH TO *YOU*! THE PLAY PART THE FIFTH "L'amour, ce n'est pas privatisei" OR "Unchain my hypothalamus" WITH Kevin Dooley as Dooley McKevin Gina Lollobrigida as Peter Fonda Harrison Ford as Dustin Hoffman Tom Parsons as Crowd Member #2 Boy George as King George Don King as King Kong Joanie as Chachi Bill as Ted Me as You X as E U YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO MISS IT! BUT YOU CAN'T AFFORD THE TICKET, EITHER! OUR PRICES ARE INSAAAAAAAANE! -dp. Only on paper view. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: The Play: Commercial Break Author: David Pacheco Date: 1999/04/13 Forum: alt.religion.kibology Commercial Advertisement Have YOU been saved by the Lord against your will? If so, help may be around the corner! 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The meaning(s), implied or otherwise, of any words contained in this commercial advertisement are purely dependent on the reader, his/her cultural context, language skills and previous education (if any). -dp. I'm still going to Hell anyway. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: The Play, Parth the Fourth Author: David Pacheco Date: 1999/04/18 Forum: alt.religion.kibology The Clarified Butter Shampoo Play or "Ghee, your hair smells terrific!" Adapted from the short story "Live From the ky-View Motel" by Genei Sequoi Translated by Accident [SCENE 1. LIGHTS UP: spotlight on small lonely child, shivering from cold, center stage. He is FRANCOBOLLO, a very thin Italian boy, about 35 years old. His shirt is ragged and torn, his pants are held together with Hello Kitty stickers that the American GI's have given him, along with a vicious speed habit. ] FRANCOBOLLO The night... she is cold. I weep for you, my only friend. [ He gestures as another spotlight comes up on his friend, PREMASTICATTO, a 3' bolus of chewed Skittles molded into a roughly human shape. ] FRANCOBOLLO You must take my shirt. You are shivering. [ PREMASTICATTO is silent. ] FRANCOBOLLO No... NO! [ FRANCOBOLLO runs over to PREMASTICATTO and cradles its head in his arms. ] FRANCOBOLLO No, no... you have never given up on anything in your life before, now LIVE, dammit, LIVE! [ PREMASTICATTO coughs up a watery solution of saliva, blood and red food dye #7. ] FRANCOBOLLO Speak to me! [ PREMASTICATTO dies. ] FRANCOBOLLO No... more... candy. Now, I am truly alone! [ He walks offstage, gathering his tattered shirt around his shivering body. ] FRANCOBOLLO The night... she is very cold. [ FADE TO BLACK ] [ SCENE 2: THIRTY SECONDS EARLIER ] FRANCOBOLLO ...ne! [ He walks offstage, gathering his tattered shirt around his shivering body. ] FRANCOBOLLO The night... she is very cold. [ FADE TO BLACK ] [ SCENE 3: Traditional Roman earthenware is scattered around the stage. Traditional Romans walk from STAGE LEFT to STAGE RIGHT, mimicking earlier wargame Panzer tank maneuvers by the Hawaii Liberation Army. Suddenly, sounds of GUNFIRE. BRUSCHETTA, an Italian girl of 32, runs onstage, naked except for woolen socks, khaki pants, a Prada silk blouse and Antonio Farelli calf leather boots, a giant hooded BeachBum parka and a Kangool beret. She runs to CENTER STAGE and collapses, exhausted. Sounds of shouting OFFSTAGE. ] BRUSCHETTA I am almost free... almost to my homeland once more, where I will sell THIS and make my riches! [ She holds up the last surviving MPEG of the 'Star Wars: The Phantom Menace' trailer. GUNFIRE erupts from the audience, and BRUSCHETTA is hit. She screams, and the MPEG falls from her hand. The house lights are brought up, and people search around frantically for the killer, except for ROGER EBERT, who is French-kissing GENE SISKEL's corpse in the back row. He is taken out behind the theatre and shot, and audience files back into their seats, chastised by a moving sermon from MARTIN LANDAU about the Space Brain. ] BRUSCHETTA Pain... is like flowers. Pretty flowers. Where is my Panini? [ ENTER PANINI. Dark-haired, handsome, muscular. He runs over to BRUSCHETTA. He sees the blood on her arm. ] PANINI You have ordered me. I have come. You will be all right... everything will be... all right. [ He runs his finger over the blood on BRUSCHETTA's arm. He holds his finger up high, the blood glistening on his finger. He tears his shirt open, and with the blood on his trembling finger he makes an 'X' in the lower right-hand square, completing three in a row. ] PANINI I... have won, Bruschetta. BRUSCHETTA [ smiling weakly ] We.. have won, Panini. We have... won. PANINA No, no. You see, I have made the three in a row, *I* have won. BRUSCHETTA [ smiling weakly ] But you see, Panini, when I die, I release this button. [ BRUSCHETTA painfully opens her parka to reveal the object in her concealed hand: a crude bomb, using a "dead-man's" switch which will detonate when she releases the button held tightly in her blood-drenched fingers. ] PANINI I see. You are right then. *We* have won. [ He kneels, embraces BRUSCHETTA. He stands once more, wiping away tears from his eyes, he starts to depart STAGE LEFT. Before exiting, he turns towards BRUSCHETTA. ] PANINI [ shouting, tearfully ] VIVA LA REVOLUCION! [ EXITS ] BRUSCHETTA Si, mi amigo. Viva la fuckin' revolucion. Liberti, fraterniti, consommi! [ She releases the button, as front three rows in audience cringe. Nothing happens. Time has frozen. Lights go down on BRUSCHETTA, as we see scenes from BRUSCHETTA's childhood, happier times, played by actors BACK STAGE RIGHT. ] MOTHER Bruschetta! Come and eat your zuppa di farro! BRUSCHETTA [ age 5 ] Coming, mother! [ BRUSCHETTA [age 5] picks up a crude bomb with dead-man's switch and hides it in her pigtails, then runs offstage. ] PANINI [ younger, age 25-ish ] So, you wanna come out to Lookout Point tonight with me? BRUSCHETTA [ age 17 ] Ummm... OK. [ BRUSCHETTA [age 17] picks up a crude bomb with dead-man's switch and attaches it to her bra-strap, then runs offstage. Lights come back up on BRUSCHETTA [today] and time unfreezes. She is rolling spastically around on the floor. ] BRUSCHETTA Boom! Ka-POW! PWING! BANGBANGBANG! KA-PWEE! PING! PERTWEE! BOOM! BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM!! [ BRUSCHETTA sits up and giggles. She spits in her left hand and then rubs both hands together. ] BRUSCHETTA One for a husband, two for a wife, three will make baby and four is for life. Needle nardle nordle... NU! [ She opens her hands and looks into them. Her expression turns from childlike joy to disgust and deep loathing. She screams and runs offstage.] [ SCENE 4: SPOTLIGHT comes up on PANINI, who is sitting in lavish drawing-room, in luxurious silk dressing gown, tapping tobacco into a gilded pipe. He notices the audience. ] PANINI Oh... hello! So that's it, really. End of my story. Fascinating, don't you think? If I had only followed my father's advice, then this whole troublesome adventure might have been avoided. After all, you kill one deaf-mute cocaine smuggler with elephantiasis, seven others pop up in his place, don't they? [ He taps more tobacco into his pipe, then lights it, using a magnifying glass to concentrate the heat from a propane torch. He sits back, take a couple of reflective puffs. ] PANINI But then... if I HAD listened to my father, I wouldn't be here now, would I? And I wouldn't have... THIS. [ The object in his hand is the Star Wars trailer MPEG. He chuckles. His chuckles increase to laughs. His laughs turn into guffaws, he gasps for air, unable to stop. He falls to his knees and bangs on the floor, coughing and laughing in equal measure. The light is increasing as the sun comes up through window, revealing the rest of the drawing-room. Above PANINI's chair, as the gloom recedes we slowly recognize the mounted, stuffed head of BRUSCHETTA. She wears the same horrified expression from the end of SCENE 3. ] [ FADE TO BLACK ] THE ENB! [ CREDITS ROLL over audience, crushing seventeen and wounding eight, two seriously, others just for fun. HOODED FIGURES break in and take away my keyboard just I as was reaching the point where I reveal the full story of ANTONIAEDAES PERIPATHETICLESORUM, wealthy Greek international distributor of cats for medical research purposes, and how he cornered the world market by his cruel an -dp. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: By request: The Play, Parth the Fourth: Epilogue Author: David Pacheco Date: 1999/04/20 Forum: alt.religion.kibology [FX: GIANT DISPOSABLE NAPKIN ] -dp. clap clap clap clap -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: The Play, Part the Fifthteeth Author: David Pacheco Date: 1999/05/05 Forum: alt.religion.kibology The Play, Part the Fifteeth or "Troubleshooting TCP/IP on Wings of Desire" or PLONK: An After School Special Starring Shalley Eedy Rolly Mingwald Malyssa Ilano Rudge Jeinhold and other assorted detritus from the 80's [ SCENE 1: JEFF, a grungy teenager in black shirt and dirty jeans, sits on a chair in a room otherwise devoid of furniture. There are two metal levers on the wall in the back, one red and one green. JEFF sits next to the green lever. BUZZ walks in: another grungy teenager, same outfit. ] BUZZ Hey. JEFF Dude. [ BUZZ walks over to JEFF and they shake hands awkwardly. BUZZ stands. Uncomfortable silence. ] JEFF Dude, check this out. [ JEFF pulls the lever and a food pellet drops into a chute that appears below the lever. JEFF takes the pellet, the chute slams shut. JEFF eats the pellet. ] BUZZ Dude! JEFF Yeah! I know! [ JEFF pulls the lever again and a food pellet drops into a chute that appears below the lever. JEFF takes the pellet, the chute slams shut. JEFF eats the pellet. ] BUZZ Dude! JEFF Yeah! Totally! [ JEFF pulls the lever again and a food pellet drops into a chute that appears below the lever. JEFF takes the pellet, the chute slams shut. JEFF eats the pellet. ] BUZZ Let me try it, man. JEFF No way, dude! [ JEFF pulls the lever, food pellet yadda yadda eats the pellet. ] BUZZ Oh, man! JEFF This rules. [ JEFF pulls, pellet, eats. ] BUZZ Lemme try it! JEFF No way. [ JEFF p, p, e. ] BUZZ Loser. JEFF Get off. [ BUZZ, sulking, moves to opposite side of room. He sits on floor and glares at JEFF, who p, p, e. After several minutes and several more pellets consumed, BUZZ notices the red lever. A idea: he starts walking over to the red lever. ] [ FADE TO BLACK ] [ SCENE 2: Macedonia, 25,000BC. The Macedonian army is defending the city against a massive onslaught of mythical creatures who are one half lion, one half of a different lion: some of them have at both ends giant shaggy manes and sharp devastating teeth, others are double-butted and just walk around bumping into pillars. Massive battle scene, bloodshed, hand-to-paw combat, limbs being torn off, bullets flying. The lions are lobbing giant balls of yarn over the city's defensive wall, crushing Macedonians by the dozen. One lion in the foreground has pinned a Macedonian soldier beneath its mighty front paws, and is killing the soldier with secondhand smoke. The soldier sputters, coughs blood, and dies. ANTONIAEDAES PERIPATHETICLESORUM, wealthy Greek international distributor of cats for medical research purposes, enters stage left, with GRECKO, his handmaiden. ] ANTONIAEDAES The battlements cannot stand the attack much longer. The city is doomed. We must make preparations to flee. GRECKO I will collect the portraits and antique vases, sire. [ ANTONIAEDAES pulls GRECKO close and whispers in his ear. ] ANTONIAEDAES Destroy the evidence. No one must know our story! If anyone finds out, then thirty thousand years of history will have been for naught. GRECKO I understand, m'lord ANTONIAEDAES Make sure that the... wait. What period are you? GRECKO [ Nervous, tentative ] Late... Predynastic? [ ANTONIAEDAES throws him to the floor, angry. ] ANTONIAEDAES You fool! This is Early Dynastic! Zanakht, not Menes! You could have ruined everything! Take off that carved medallion now, and hide it before someone sees! GRECKO At once, m'lord. ANTONIAEDAES And what's with the accent? Where's that from? GRECKO Ummm... ANTONIAEDAES Out with it. GRECKO Late... 18th century Middlesborough. [ ANTONIAEDAES smacks GRECKO across the face, sending him sprawling. GRECKO cowers on the floor, bleeding as ANTONIAEDAES towers over him accusingly, waiting. ] GRECKO M.... upper middle class! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! ANTONIAEDAES You are a useless WORM! Clean out my quarters and meet me in the tomb of Amenhotep II in twenty minutes, or by the barbed phallus of Neferneferland I will have your skin! [ ANTONIAEDAES marches off. GRECKO weeps openly, then slowly breaks into song as SPOTLIGHT singles him out from the massacre. ] GRECKO I was a man That once knew love But now I see that love is gone. I raised my voice I raised a son Fed him from my swollen breasts And now I see That I'm too young To partake of alcoholic beverages in public places For my self control is weak when imbibing behaviour-altering substances. Free me! As I once freed you! From the chains of love that gathered round your ankles Ankles that once knew love That ran pure and true like clouds in a desert sandstorm or rabbits to a burrow in a field sown with love for you and people like you. Or me. [ SPOTLIGHT fades, carnage continues. A lion with the head of Gilbert Gottfried and the body of evidence from the Menendez trial jumps on GRECKO, savaging him. ] [ FADE TO BLACK ] [ SCENE 3: Same as SCENE 1, where we left it. JEFF is still pushing the green lever, eating the pellets. BUZZ is standing next to the red lever, puzzled expression on his face. He reaches out a hand to the lever... ] [ FADE TO BLACK ] [ SCENE 4: Yesterday morning. Bedroom, messy. Two forms underneath the blankets, one of them moving around, restless. He sits up: it is DON CEBOLLA, dictator-for-life of the tiny protectorate of Burpekistan. He cannot sleep. He nudges the form next to him. ] CEBOLLA Darling. Wake. I cannot to sleep, as say in stage directions. [ The form grunts and turns over, uninterested. CEBOLLA gets out of bed. He is naked from the waist out. He walks over to the window, opens it, breathes deeply. ] CEBOLLA The sweet night air... she reminds me of my home. I meet you there, by moonlight, on a night such as tonight. Is you to remember? [ He turns towards the bed. There is no movement. ] CEBOLLA No... of course not. You were so young. [ CEBOLLA is restless still. He walks over to the dresser, take out a submachine gun, and stomps around the room singing the Internazionale at full volume, firing off a full clip into the air after each chorus. Reaching the end of the song, he uses the gun barrel to clear off all the glass baubles from the dresser, then he jumps up onto the dresser and screams at the top of his voice, a large dark wet stain appearing in the crotch of his pants and spreading rapidly. ] CEBOLLA [ panting ] Le jour de gloire est... arrivi! [ He points the machine gun at his own head, closes his eyes and pulls the trigger. Click. He looks at the gun, sits down, puts his head in his hands and starts to cry. ] CEBOLLA [ sobbing ] Oh... oh, Seqor Wences. Is no alright. [ Movement from the figure on the bed. A dark, slimy, dripping tentacle extends from under the blankets and curls itself, lightning fast, around CEBOLLA's neck. He gasps, and struggles, his feet kicking violently as the tentacle hoists him into the air and starts dragging him towards the bed. ] CEBOLLA [ choking ] No! Mmmph! No! [ Much struggling, as CEBOLLA is dragged under. He would scream if he could breathe. Finally, the tentacle drags him under the blankets ] [ SFX: soft, crunchy chewing. ] [ Silence ] CEBOLLA Good night, darling. [ FADE TO BLACK ] [ SCENE 5: same as SCENE 3. BUZZ stands next to red lever. JEFF eyes him, a bit nervously. ] BUZZ I'll do it. JEFF Do it, man. BUZZ I swear I will. JEFF Whatever. [ BUZZ gathers up his courage, and then grabs the red lever, pulling it down in one swift motion. Nothing happens. JEFF pulls the green lever, gets a pellet, consumes it. They look at each other. ] BUZZ Bummer. JEFF Yeah. [ Faintly at first, but growing louder, they start to register a rumbling noise. They pause, look at each other again. ] BUZZ What's...? JEFF [ shrugging ] Dunno. [ The rumbling is growing louder and louder, very quickly. JEFF and BUZZ look at each other nervously. They realize that the sound is coming from above. They look up. The noise is deafening. JEFF and BUZZ are sweating. Suddenly, a dark shadow falls across both of them. ] BOTH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! [ SFX: GIANT DISPOSABLE NAPKIN ] [ FADE TO BLACK ] T H E E N B ! AUDIENCE IS REQUESTED TO LEAVE THE THEATRE QUIETLY AND IN AN ORDERLY FASHION. USE OF DEADLY FORCE HAS BEEN AUTHORIZED IN VACATING THIS AREA. DO NOT LOOK BACK UPON THIS WHICH YOU ARE LEAVING, LEST YOU FACE MY WRATH AND ARE CONSUMED IN THE PILLAR OF FIRE. PLEASE TAKE A BROCHURE, AND SOME CANDY. PHARAOH FIGURINES ARE NON-RETURNABLE, EVEN WITH PROOF OF PURCHASE AND RESTRAINING ORDER. THESE INSTRUCTIONS WILL NOT BE REPEATED UNTIL IT IS FAR TOO LATE. HAVE A NICE DAY. -dp. I love having a fever. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: The Part, Play the Next Author: David Pacheco Date: 1999/06/14 Forum: alt.religion.kibology [ FADE IN to EXTERIOR SHOT: Cattle ranch, morning, gray, raining. Words appear across the bottom of the screen, teletype-style. ] WELCOME DATACOMP July 19, 1999 08:15am [ CUT: INTERIOR SHOT: German bunker, late 1944. FRANZ, a Nazi army soldier (Eco-Warriors Division) is discussing strategy with FRITZ, a black cartoon cat. ] FRANZ Zis time ve sqvash zem laik pancakes, jah? Zis time ze rezistanz is too late! Ze sun, she explodink tonight, jah Fritz? FRITZ I think we need to talk about this Nazi obsession of yours, Dave. I mean, first that whole "meet my enemy" stuff, and now this. I think we need a change of scene, don't you? [ JUMP CUT. EXTERIOR SHOT: Kosovo. Serbian tanks littering the formerly peaceful countryside, throwing cigarette butts and empty crisp packets around with abandon. FRANZ in is background, goose-stepping around and humming to himself, looking pleased. ] FRANZ Allons enfants de la patrie! La jour de gloire est arrivi! FRITZ Ummm... Dave? You are aware that song is the "Marseilles"? The French National Anthem? Written during the French Revolution? FRANZ Shut up, ze schtupit cat! [ FRANZ pulls out Luger, shoot FRITZ in the head. ] FRITZ Et tu, brutecakes? FRANZ Let zem eat CAKE! MIT SCHPRINKELS! Vere is your Moses now, jah? [ FRANZ takes Luger, stabs himself in chest with gun barrel. He appears unhurt.] FRANZ Mein Gvtt in Hummel Figurines! [ FRANZ starts to goose-step STAGE LEFT, still humming. FRITZ lifts his head, weak, blood pouring from his mouth. ] FRITZ Dave... do it... Spanish. At least... you... [ coughs blood ] know... the language... [ DIES AGAIN ] FRANZ Holy vacas! [ The gun goes off spontaneously. FRANZ drops to his knees, surprised. He touches two fingers to his chest wound and brings them to his face, staring at the blood. ] FRANZ Este... es... mi lapiz? [ DIES ] [ JUMP CUT. NYPD district police department. In nod to hip, stylish camera techniques, everything is shot completely out of focus. ] COP 1 Hey Santiago, is that you? SANTIAGO I can't see where you're looking. Am I waving my arms? COP 1 Nnn... no. Where are you, the lobby or the interrogation room? SANTIAGO Interrogation room. COP 1 OK, I'll be right in. Want some coffee? SANTIAGO Sure, black, two pepper. COP 1 OK, I think I'm in the bathroom. I'll just feel my way out and I'll be there in a minute. [ FEMALE VOICE screams ] COP 1 My apologies, Commissioner Gordon. [ AUDIENCE LAUGHTER ] [ JUMP CUT. INTERIOR: Interrogation room. Camera is now in focus, but placed on a double-arm pendulum that is swinging like crazy, and does so for rest of scene. COP 1 walks in, holding two coffees, hands one to SANTIAGO. ] COP 1 So where are you from, anyway? SANTIAGO Chile. COP 1 Gee, that was pretty predictable. [ C'mon guys, give me a break. ] SANTIAGO Yeah sure, hold out your arm. [ You want I should put you two guys on "Sex in the City"? ] COP 1 So, this the guy? [ He gestures to HU CHOY RODRIGUEZ, a Mexican-Armenian African American Chinese resident of Eskimo descent. He is played by NOAH WYLE. ] SANTIAGO That's him alright. [ COP 1 lunges at RODRIGUEZ, tossing the boiling coffee in his face, grabbing his shirt and smacking him around. ] COP 1 YOU MUTHAFUCKA! YOU STINKIN' MUTHAFUCKA! YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT, I OUGHTA BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, YOU PUNK-ASS! SANTIAGO GET BACK! Calm down, god dammit! [ SANTIAGO pulls COP 1 back off RODRIGUEZ and corners him in... the corner, duh. They are both breathing hard, tense. ] COP 1 Listen to me, GOD DAMN IT. This man is a SUSPECT. Do you know what that means? A SUSPECT. As in "innocent until proven"? You got me? Do you want Internal Affairs down here again like on the Simpson case? Do you? Well I can tell you that I for sure as hell don't, I've been trying to nail this guy for TWO YEARS and I'm not going to let some new recruit ruin it all for me in the first few minutes of the scene. You got that? Now get the hell out of here. [ COP 1 is silent, glaring. SANTIAGO lets him go and points towards door. COP 1 leaves, stops at door and turns to RODRIGUEZ. ] COP 1 And YOU... I'll deal with you later. PERSONALLY. [ COP 1 leaves. SANTIAGO rights chair, sits at interrogation table, palms up in "whaddya gonna do?" gesture. ] SANTIAGO I'm sorry about that. He's... a little on the edge right now. He's pulling a desk job while an investigation goes on about a couple of suspects he shot in self defense in the back of the head. You OK? [ RODRIGUEZ nods. ] RODRIGUEZ Jah, jah, I feelink fine. I chust... I chust vant to go home. FRITZ I SAID QUIT IT! RODRIGUEZ Vat vas zat... I mean, qui? SANTIAGO Yeah, well that's going to be a bit tough right now. You see, after what you done this morning, there's a lot of people out there who are pretty angry, and this guy you just saw is one of the tame ones, believe you me. Do you understand why we brought you in here? RODRIGUEZ Sm, sm, I understand. SANTIAGO So do you want to talk about it? RODRIGUEZ I don't think I can... no creo... es muy... SANTIAGO Well I would suggest you think about it really hard. What you've done is... well, it'll be easier on you if you just cooperate, a hell of a lot easier. RODRIGUEZ There is... un pequeqo problema, how you say? A slight problem. SANTIAGO Yes, that's how I'd say it. A problem? RODRIGUEZ A problem... it is hard. It's all a blank, I can't... [ waves hand in futile gesture. His eyes are welling up with tears. ] SANTIAGO All a blank? What, like some post-traumatic stress syndrome? You gonna plead insanity or some bullshit after what you done today? Because you are not gonna sit across this table from me right now and tell me that you're nuts, because you look pretty damn sane to me right now. RODRIGUEZ No, no! Usted no comprende! I knew you wouldn't understand, it's... SANTIAGO It's what, punk? Talk to me. I SAID TALK TO ME! [ slams fist on table, coffee flies. ] RODRIGUEZ [ very nervous, pleading ] No, you don't, no comprende... Escuche, listen to me: las caballos no tienen rienda para acercarse a los muebles de cocina, porque no me quedan conchas en la bolsa que encontri en la piscina! SANTIAGO What? What the hell is that bullshit? RODRIGUEZ This is what I mean... now you'll be so angry. In Spanish, I said "the horses have no reins to get close to the kitchen furniture, because I have no seashells left in the bag I found in the swimming pool." [ He looks up at SANTIAGO, desperation in his eyes. ] SANTIAGO What the hell is that? What the fuck? TALK TO ME! Where the hell is your script? RODRIGUEZ Por favor, por favor... don't... I tried to... SANTIAGO GIVE ME YOUR SCRIPT BEFORE I RIP IT OUT FROM YOU, YOU LITTLE MINIMUM WAGE FIVE-LINE READING PART SONUFABITCH EXTRA! [ RODRIGUEZ takes script he has been sitting on, slides it over table to SANTIAGO. He grabs SANTIAGO's shirt sleeve and pleads with him. ] RODRIGUEZ Please... please... they told me to... SANTIAGO [ under his breath ] "Yeah sure, hold out your arm... innocent until proven... blah blah blah... no creo... es muy, yadda yadda... los caballos no tienen rienda para...?" What the FUCK? What the hell is this shit? Where's the rest of your script, these are just blank pages? RODRIGUEZ [ pleading, stands up, grabbing SANTIAGO's chest hair ] That's all the agency gave me... I beg of you, I tried to tell you. They told me to ad-lib as best I could, but I never took any improv classes when I was in school, and it makes me so nervous... SANTIAGO Sit the fuck down. [ RODRIGUEZ sits, blubbering. SANTIAGO leafs through page after page of blank script, getting angrier by the minute. Camera has stopped swinging. SANTIAGO looks up, straight into camera. ] SANTIAGO Where's the fucking writer? [ Listen, I don't think that... ] SANTIAGO I SAID WHERE'S THE FUCKING WRITER, YOU TWO-BIT *HACK*! [ COP 1 bursts into room, weapon drawn. ] COP 1 What the hell happened in here? I hear a gun shot and I... hey what happened to the scene? SANTIAGO Writer boy didn't finish it. COP 1 What, AGAIN? Oh Jesus. SANTIAGO God DAMN it, I've been rehearsing this scene for DAYS, and now this FUCKER... [ Hey, hey, no need to get personal. ] COP 1/SANTIAGO SHUT THE HELL UP! SANTIAGO Where the hell is it, Dave? Where's the rest of the script? Didja "forget" it again? [ No, I... I haven't finished writing it yet. ] COP 1 Haven't FINISHED? You do realize that this is a TV show, right? That this episode AIRS in three days, right? That there are twenty two people here just on this set trying to produce it? That there are still fourteen scenes to shoot and I don't even have a GOD DAMNED NAME YET? [ I know, I know, I'm sorry. Listen, I've just been stuck coming up with a good crime for RODRIGUEZ. I mean, we've been hyping it up so much, you know, what with COP 1 attacking him and the lynch mob comment and all that, and I thought it really needed some oomph, you know? Something interesting, something street, something up to date? ] SANTIAGO Up to date? Up to date? What the fuck are you talking about, "up to date" when we've got a show to put on and it's not even written? [ Well, you know how it is. The reviews always talk about how the show uses real-life stories woven into the drama, you know, "drama ripped from the pages of the New York Times, fresh every week," that kind of jazz. ] COP 1 Oh, I see. Writer boy is too BUSY reading his own damn REVIEWS to write us any believable DIALOGUE. [ Hey now, that's low. I write good stuff for you guys. ] COP 1 Yeah, when you actually get around to writing. [ Listen guys, I'm really sorry, but I'm in a pretty bad place right now. I mean, my girlfriend just broke up with me, and... ] SANTIAGO Oh, great. Here's the freakin' sob story. [ ANDexcusemebutpleaseletmefinishAND, well, I just can't concentrate right now guys. Listen, we'll run a rerun this week, no one will ever notice, and then next week I'll make it up for all of you. Big time. ] COP 1 Make it up, how? [ Well, for starters, you are now LT. VALDEZ ] LT. VALDEZ [ grudgingly ] Yeah, that's cool, I guess. About time. [ And SANTIAGO, I'll do some primo stuff for you next week, I swear. I mean, Emmy-type material, man. You know, your partner dies, you risk your life to save some poor street kid, stuff like that. Killer stuff. You know I've got it in me, man, I just need some time to get my head together. ] [ SANTIAGO is sitting at interrogation table, squeezing his coffee cup very hard, muttering to himself. ] SANTIAGO ...doesn't even know how much they PAY me fer chrissakes, no matter what it's more than *he* gets, but it's still not worth it because I have to deal with this kind of shit. I gotta talk to my agent... I should have taken that "Homicide" gig years ago, man, instead I'm listening to some white-bread dipweed giving me some lame EXCUSES... [ Hey man, there's no need for that. Listen, I promise that for next week... ] SANTIAGO [ stands up, violently, fist shaking at camera ] No, YOU listen to me you little FUCK. You're the WRITER. You write the dialogue, you write the scenes, you FINISH THE GODDAM SCRIPT on time so that WE, the ACTORS can ACT THE FUCKING SCENE. Without the script, we're NOTHING, you hear me? NOTHING! We're just useless little fucking PUPPETS, sitting around a table playing CARDS for all I fu... [ BADLY EDITED JUMP CUT. EXTERIOR: Swiss Alps. HOLD for fifteen minutes. ] [ SLOW, TENTATIVE FADE into INTERIOR: Interrogation room. LT. VALDEZ and SANTIAGO are sitting at the interrogation table, playing blackjack. RODRIGUEZ is on the phone with his agent, his shoulders heaving. ] LT. VALDEZ Well, look who decided to make an appearance. SANTIAGO So what, writer boy? What's the deal? You just cut us out? What was it this time, a jump cut? Where to, downtown New York? [ Ummm... Swiss Alps, actually. I had some extra stock footage and it was cheap and... anyway, I wanted to talk to you guys. ] LT. VALDEZ Oh yeah? About what? SANTIAGO [ Suddenly realizes something. ] Oh, hold on a second, hold on a second. I know what this is all about. [ LT. VALDEZ and RODRIGUEZ look up to SANTIAGO. ] SANTIAGO You don't KNOW how to finish this scene, do you? You haven't even figured it out? [ Guys, you should have met her. She was so beautiful, and we got along so well, I really thought she was the one, and last week she just... ] [ RODRIGUEZ bursts out crying again. LT. VALDEZ throws cards and hands up in the air. ] LT. VALDEZ Oh, for FUCK'S SAKE... [ I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm sorry. I'm just in a really bad place right now, and if I could just take some time to pick myself up and put myself back together, I know I can come back in next week and give you guys some... ] SANTIAGO [ quietly ] Just drop the napkin. [ some really good... what? ] SANTIAGO Just drop the fucking napkin. Everybody wants it, it's what they're all waiting for. Do you think people watch this stuff to see my pretty face? No. Just do it. Next week nobody will care anyway. LT. VALDEZ [ resigned ] Yeah, man, just drop it. This whole episode's a bust anyway. Jesus, what a waste of time. SANTIAGO Drop the damn thing already. [ Umm... OK... if you guys think it might help... ] SANTIAGO/LT. VALDEZ/RODRIGUEZ IT COULDN'T HOIT! [ SFX: GIANT DISPOSABLE NAPKIN ] SANTIAGO [ muffled ] Jesus, what a wuss. E L F I N Una produccisn de Donald P. Belisario y Don Francisco (C) 1999 Dsnde Esta Mi Lapiz Empresas -dp. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: The Play, Part the Last Author: David Pacheco Date: 1999/08/03 Forum: alt.religion.kibology PROLOGUE/INTRO SEQUENCE [ WIDE SHOT: tall building, downtown New York. Shot appears to be from a blimp or light aircraft circling the building. Wobbly camera angle. We realize there is a CROWD at the base of the building, all pointing up and screaming in perfect unison. ] CROWD THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!! [ Shot zooms up to TOP of building. MAN stands on window ledge. He looks disheveled, wide-eyed. POLICE CHIEF O'RYAN stands in office window, speaking to MAN in quiet tones. MAN is pointing camera at his own head. CLOSEUP ] MAN Stay BACK! This camera is loaded with pictures I took of a bullet! O'RYAN Nice and easy, nice and easy, boy. You don't really want to die, do you? MAN YES! Yes, I want to DIE! O'RYAN Oh. All right then, fair enough. [ O'RYAN ducks back into the office. Scuffling sounds from inside, voices ("But he said he does..." "GET back out there, you GOOBER!"). O'RYAN pokes head out of window again. ] O'RYAN Listen, we all know what you've been through. Can't we just talk for a while and work this woWHOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAH! [ O'RYAN slips and plummets to his death, four hundred centimeters below. The crowd screams and parts, unfortunately not in the right place. A pregnant mother is crushed. SFX: sound like a giant Hefty bag filled with minestrone soup being hit with a bat. POLICE CHIEF O'HARA pokes her head out the window. ] O'HARA I arrest you for the murder of Police Chief O'Ryan! MAN You can't arrest me! I arrest YOU! O'HARA Scoundrel! [ They grapple. Suddenly a loud >CLICK!< MAN gazes down in horror: the camera has gone off in his hand. He slumps to the window ledge, clasping his stomach, a trickle of developing fluid in the corner of his mouth. He looks up at Police Chief O'HARA and tries to mouth something. O'HARA kneels. ] O'HARA What is it? MAN ... O'HARA Speak up! MAN ...promise me... one... thing. O'HARA Anything. Speak. Anything you wish, my darling. [ O'HARA ruffles MAN's hair, pinches his cheek. ] MAN Never... give... McAuley Culkin... a speaking role... again. [ DIES ] O'HARA I... I promise. [ O'HARA wipes tear from her eye, then takes police edition Swiss Army knife and decapitates MAN with one swift movement. She stands, raising MAN's head over her own. CROWD below cheers in unison. ] CROWD SELF-ADHESIVE ENVELOPES HAVE KILLED CREATIVITY IN THE NATION'S PRE- SCHOOLS! [ FADE TO BLACK. Roll INTRO CREDITS over theme song: duet between Shirley Bassey and Gilbert Gottfried, cover of aria from "Toreador" as credits whoosh in from left side of screen in bad PowerPoint presentation. ] + The Play + Part the Last + Starring + Robert Vesco + Vesco da Gama + Gamma Beta + Beta Carotene * A * N * D * + Pinky Tuscadero I N Wait, I already said that O R Darling, Your Sleeve is in my Coffee [ FADE TO BLACK ] EPILOGUE [ Int. of SCIENCE MUSEUM. Two black-suited men approach each other. Dark glasses. Scars. Hands deep in trenchcoats. Menace. ] HENCHMAN #1 Do you have the plan for world domination? HENCHMAN #2 I do. Do you have the flimsy motive? HENCHMAN #1 In my coat pocket. Where's the witty secret spy banter? HENCHMAN #2 Glove compartment of my car. Did you bring the scenic location? HENCHMAN #1 It's in a locker at Grand Central Station. But I forgot the expository dialogue. HENCHMAN #2 No matter, I brought my own, in this carrier bag my overbearing mother gave me when I was... HENCHMAN #1 Enough of that! Do you want us all killed? HENCHMAN #2 Of course not, you imbecile. Where's the secret hideaway? HENCHMAN #1 I can't tell you yet, but I brought it, don't worry. Can we fit the Internet in here somewhere? It is the 90's, you know. HENCHMAN #2 Don't worry, we'll get instructions on how to do that via encrypted doubleblind e-mail later. Where's my catchphrase? HENCHMAN #1 I'll go get it now. Don't worry, I'll be back. HENCHMAN #2 Good. Let's move. HENCHMAN #1 Yes, let's move. [ They don't move. ] HENCHMAN #2 The audience wants ACTION, not a Beckett revival. Let's move. HENCHMAN #1 Yes, let's move. [ SFX: GIANT FIREBALL explodes between the HENCHMEN, blowing them to either side of the room. Screams, debris, rubble, smoke. HENCHMAN #1 is lying against wall, his head at an impossible angle. HENCHMAN #2 is badly wounded. ] HENCHMAN #2 Fritz... Fritz! [ cough ] My script... you have... [ coughs blood ] Throw it to me! [ HENCHMAN #1's hand opens, a tattered and blood-soaked script falls out. ] HENCHMAN #2 My... script. Can't do... death... scene. [ cough ] [ HENCHMAN #2 crawls painfully over to HENCHMAN #1, who is obviously dead. He is horribly wounded, the movement takes over seventeen hours of film, which is sped up to occur in only thirty seconds. Flowers burst into bloom, following the sun, and then close up again as night falls. Thunderstorms zoom across the prairie, bringing desperately needed water to the failing squirrel crops. HENCHMAN #2 reaches body of HENCHMAN #1. He picks up tattered script and reads. ] HENCHMAN #2 Unnhh..... [ DIES ] [ Through the clearing smoke, a cloaked figure appears. His eyes covered in the shadow of his fedora, he quickly walks over to the two bodies. He picks up a briefcase. ] UNNAMED MAN You won't be needed this any more. [ He opens the briefcase, takes out some papers. Quickly going through them, he discards what he doesn't need and puts the rest in his coat pocket. He tosses the briefcase between the HENCHMEN. ] UNNAMED MAN Too bad. I could have used you. But betrayal is a harsh mistress as the world turns the page towards the final countdown, and no one will mourn you except the cockroaches. AAAAH! COCKROACHES! [ MAN screams and runs towards door as approaching police car sirens grow louder. As MAN reaches door, POLICE CHIEF O'HARA comes through door, breathless. ] O'HARA Quickly! The police are coming! UNNAMED MAN You ARE the police, you GOOBER! O'HARA Well then we arrived very promptly, how commendable. Now put that briefcase down, Mr. Leno. [ UNNAMED MAN starts, in surprise. He then stops in ennui, after taking a wrong turn at mild boredom. ] JAY LENO So, O'Hara... you recognized me. O'HARA This whole thing had your fingerprints all over it, Leno. [ O'HARA holds up statuette of Rene Auberjenois covered in flour. ] JAY LENO You've forgotten one thing, O'Hara. O'HARA Oh yeah? And what's that? JAY LENO I dropped the briefcase almost a whole page ago. You have seriously misjudged me, O'Hara... for the LAST TIME! AHHHH HA HA HA HA HA...!! [ He drops pellet which explodes into a thick cloud of smoke, obscuring him and whole room from view, O'HARA coughs loudly. Smoke clears, JAY LENO is still standing in exact same position. ] JAY LENO ...HA HA HA HAHAHAHA... HA... ha! Errr... ha! O'HARA Give up, Leno! We've got the room surrounded by walls! JAY LENO OK, I give up. [ O'HARA shoots. LENO's head explodes in a shower of gristle, blood, and surprisingly little grey matter. A look of surprise crosses what remains of his face, looks left, then right, then crosses his nose at the traffic lights. ] O'HARA Not this time, Leno. Not this time. He holsters his weapon and... ooops, sorry. [ O'HARA holsters his weapon and it clatters to the floor: he is not wearing a holster. The gun discharges against the floor and blows a chunk out of the ceiling. Oblivious, O'HARA walks over to LENO's corpse and cuffs him, as CREDITS ROLL. ] THE ENB! A Pam Dawber Production for No Particular Reason Police Chief O'Ryan......Bela Lugosi Man on Ledge......Himself Police Chief O'Hara......Cyndi Lauper Henchman #1......Seqor Wences Henchman #2......Bobo, the Boy-Faced Dog Jay Leno......Sun-Tzu "Silent" Jimmy "No-Face" Watson.....McAuley Culkin Naked Lady #1......Jennifer Lopez Naked Lady #2......Franka Potente Naked Lady #3......Natalie Imbruglia Naked Lady #4......Shania Twain Naked Lady #5......Girl from SuperBowl "Doritos" Ad Naked Lady #6......Gail Porter Naked Lady #7......Kate Beckinsale Naked Lady #8......Young Audrey Hepburn Naked Lady #9......Heather Graham Naked Lady #10......Jodie Foster Naked Lady #11......Bea Arthur Jay Leno was killed during the production of this play. COMING SOON: The Play: Part the Last: Episode I DON'T FAIL TO MISS IT! -dp. (c)1999, [dibs]1999, (Space)1999 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ALL NEW! ALL NEW! ALL NEW! ALL NEW! ALL NEW! ALL NEW! ALL NEW! This is a scene that was found on the cutting room floor yesterday after I broke into the editing room of the studio because they're being such assholes about the whole "you pay us and we'll give you your movie back" thing. I can't remember which part of the play it goes in, so if anyone has been taking notes, they would be a lot of help. Anyway, on with the show: aaaaaaaaaaand ACTION! [ SCENE: SANTIAGO and COP 1 sit at interrogation room, playing blackjack in silence. RODRIGUEZ talks on phone in back corner, non-audible. Occasional grunts of pleasure or annoyance as SANTIAGO and COP 1 win and, occasionally, lose hands. Knock on door. ] SANTIAGO Come in! [ Door swings open, MISHKA pokes her head in. ] MISHKA I'm going for coffee. Anyone? SANTIAGO Yeah, espresso. Thanks. COP 1 None for me, thanks. MISHKA How about you, Rodriguez? RODRIGUEZ Ummm sure. Decaf capuccino please. MISHKA One espresso, one decaf capuccino. I'll be back in about twenty. SANTIAGO/RODRIGUEZ Thanks. [ SANTIAGO and COP 1 resume card game. RODRIGUEZ back to talking on phone. Fifteen minutes go by. ] [ FADE TO BLACK ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- Exciting stuff! The Play: Part I: The Prequel: The Enb! "Death Wears Strapless Dungarees" will be available at coffee shops everywhere after Y2K has destroyed life as we know it -dp. Don't hold your breath.