Article 171067 of alt.religion.kibology:
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From: mmcirvin@world.std.com (Matt McIrvin)
Subject: THE BIFFTRIX!!!!!!!1
Sender: mmcirvin@world.std.com (Matt McIrvin)
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Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 03:22:03 GMT
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THEY SAVED BIFF'S BRANE PART INFINITY PLUS SEVENTEENTY-SIX:

            T H E   B I F F T R I X !  !!  1


BIFF was fast asleep in front of the keyboard of his big brother's
Commodore 64 when it awoke him with a loud square-wave bleep.

"WHAT COLUD THAT BE I WAZENT PLAYING ROBOT RAT RACE !!1!!!1" said BIFF as
he tried to read the screen.  On the blue screen, just under the READY
prompt, somebody had typed

follow charles nelson reilly

"WHAT IS THAT TALKING ABOUT  !! I DONT' SEE ANY BODY HEAR!!!!!!!1 1" BIFF
scratched his head as he looked behind the sofa for Charles Nelson
Reilly.  There was nothing back there except for a broken Gnip Gnop set.

There was a knock on the basement door.  BIFF was scared because it might
be his big brother.  BIFF's brother didn't like it when BIFF used the
Commodore 64 without asking, even though neither BIFF's brother nor anyone
else but BIFF had used one in about fifteen years.  BIFF wished he had one
of those WebTVs but he wasn't sure he was hip to the requisite cyber
lingo.

BIFF's ISP had the last remaining BITNET connection in the world, and a
single dial-up account on a server that nobody had remembered to turn
off.  They were happy to charge BIFF's mom's credit card.  In exchange,
BIFF had to earn a living at the Cinnabon at the local mall.  The mall was
decorated in white except for the black-paneled food court where BIFF wore
a white uniform and served black cinnamon buns to white people dressed
entirely in black.  BIFF thought that was pretty cool.  In his spare time
he was learning how to do facial expressions.

Whoever it was kept knocking!  Trembling, BIFF summoned the courage to
open the door.  It was Charles Nelson Reilly, wearing a magician's costume
and a green rubber skullcap!

"Could you direct me to the set of _Lidsville: The Motion Picture?  I'm
late!  I'm late!" he said, consulting a six-inch-wide pocket watch on a
chain.

"WOW CHARELS NELSON REILLY THE COMPUTOR TOLD ME TO FOLLOW U !! ! !! !!!!11"

"I'd really appreciate it if you didn't," said Charles Nelson Reilly.

"SAY WEE-WEE!!! !1" demanded BIFF.

"Wee-wee," said Charles Nelson Reilly, wearily.

Then BIFF woke up.

====

Only nothing had changed, and he was still standing there with Charles
Nelson Reilly.

Halfway to the set of "Lidsville: The Motion Picture," BIFF fell down a
manhole. He fell part way down in slow motion, then stopped and rotated
360 degrees around three different axes, for no reason.  Then he kept on
falling into the sewer system.

He was caught by the most beautiful woman he had ever seen!  She looked
just like BIFF only with breasts, and she was dressed from head to toe in
black Hefty garbage bags held together with duct tape.  She took off her
shoes and made them dance around by mental power.

"WOW U CAN DO MAGIC THINGS!!!!1" said BIFF, spellbound.

"Y3S B3CUZ 1 4M A |-4DIkQQ|_ H4CQ3R DQQD3TT3 1T G1V32 M3 M4j1QL P0W-WuH
0v3R SP4C3 & T1M3 BY TH3 PQW3R 0F W4R3Z !   MY N4M3 I2 MUFFY" said Muffy.

She took BIFF to the coolest party ever and got him in past the
ten-piercing minimum.  Everyone in there looked like Angelina Jolie and
they performed scarification rituals to the sound of deafening screaming
noises.

"DID U TYPE ON MY COMPUTOR ??????//"

"T|-|4t WU2 M3" said Muffy, and did a tapdance on the ceiling to prove it.
"4L|_ Y3R l1F3 U H4v3 1-D3RD WH4T IZ TH4 B1FFTR1X?  N0W U W1||_ L3RN"

"I NEVER HERD OF ANY BIFFTRIX WOW U R A GURL CAN I GET LADE?????? ? /"
asked BIFF, but before he could get any answer, the party was invaded by
men in black with twitchy body language and unidentifiable accents.  One
of them looked just like BIFF's boss at the Cinnabon!  He always had a
strange curly wire coming out of his ear, and occasionally he'd cause his
employees' orifices to disappear by unknown means, or put huge mechanical
implants that turned into silverfish inside their bodies, or a giant bubo
would grow out of the side of his neck into a new head that would eat his
original head.  BIFF was scared of him, because he thought he might be
gay.

"W4TCh 0UT THQSE M3N R R0B0M0DS" yelled Muffy.  "1F U W4NT 2 H4V A
GRILFIEND U MU2T 3NT3R TH3 R34L W3RLD.  U23 MY S3LL FQN3"

She threw BIFF a cell phone, which was pink and had a Barbie sticker on
it. "HEY WHATS THE IDEA ITS ALL GURLY!!!!111" BIFF said, trying not to let
the pinkness rub off on him.  BIFF juggled the phone like a hot potato. 
Then his boss grabbed BIFF and made a six-inch hole open in his belly,
into which BIFF's boss stuffed his entire David Cronenberg video
collection!  BIFF was really pissed off!

"DOOD I BET IT ISENT EVEN THE GOOD VERSZIN OF SCANNERS!!!!!!!11" he said
as the phone beeped.

Then BIFF woke up.

====

"HEY ITS THE RAEL WORLD !!! IM GOEING TO LIV IN A BEECH HOUSE ON M TEE
VEE1! WHERES THE 23 YEER OLD ACTERS GETTING LADE????///////?/"

But there was no beach house.  BIFF was pinned into a hulking robotic
harness that fed him an endless supply of Mr. Pibb and forced him to
urinate day and night on a tiny, spinning waterwheel.

"I LIKE THE REAL WERLD! !!!!!!  MISTOR PIBB IS BOSS!!!!!!!!!1"  said BIFF,
in between gulps.  But Muffy and Laurence Fishburne unhooked him from the
rig anyway.

"Only now, Grasshopper, is your mind truly free," said Laurence Fishburne.
"But you must master a difficult and dangerous course of training before
you may become a Je^H^HBIFFTRIX hacker.  To comprehend the code of the
BIFFTRIX, your kung fu must be strong!"  BIFF could tell that he was a
good guy, because he wore little oval shades instead of Ray-Bans.

"HEY DOOD WHY WUZ I PEEING ALL THE TIEM?????"

"L4U|-3NC3 PH12HB3rN W1LL XXX-PL4N3 3VRYTH1NG" said Muffy.  She was still
wearing Hefty bags, but they were baggy and kind of dusty.  They seemed to
be in the basement of a power plant.

Laurence Fishburne explained, "Skyn^H^H^H^HThe BIFFTRIX was the result of
an apocalyptic war between man and machine.  On September 13, 1999, due to
intervention by immortal aliens from the planet Zeist, a nuclear explosion
moved the Moon permanently between the Earth and Sun, blocking out all
solar energy. The nuclear power plants were all destroyed by
superintelligent ants. By 2010, Man's evil artificial intelligences were
completely dependent on hydroelectric power, which was monopolized by the
human world government under the control of Hydro-Quebec.

"The machines came up with an alternate source of hydroelectric power:
human urination.  The human body can provide as much hydroelectric power
as a standard-issue squirt gun, but only a force as powerful as Mr. Pibb
could ensure them a continuous supply.  But how to make humans drink that
much Mr. Pibb?

"The solution was the BIFFTRIX.  It started as a simple means of
disguising Mr. Pibb as any other beverage-- Dr. Pepper, orange juice,
lemonade, even champagne. But the human mind sought out inconsistencies in
the deception.  It had to be seamless.  It had to encompass an entire
simulated world.

"By 2100, the BIFFTRIX was a complete alternate reality in which no Mr.
Pibb existed."

"HEY I ALWAYZ WONDERD WHY I COULD NEVER FIND IT AT STORE 24!!!!!!!!!111"

"Th31R N3vR WU2 4nY MR P1SzSz" said Muffy, "XXX-C3PT R1LLY TH3IR WAS
NUTH1nG 3LSE"

"HEY DOODETTE THATS' THE MOST DEEPIST THING I EVER HERD!!!!!!!!!11"

"4LS0, I LUV U FQR NQ 4DEQU4TELY XXxX-PLAN3D R34S0N"

Muffy kissed BIFF.  Then he woke up.

====

He was on a white limbo set with Laurence Fishburne, who, in here, was
dressed as a singing cowboy, with an elaborately embroidered shirt and a
giant Stetson. BIFF wore his usual Coed Naked Trampoline Team T-shirt.  A
gentle rain of green Zapf Dingbats fell from the sky.

"HAY DOOD YOUR A COBWOY!!!!! !!  1 !" said BIFF.

"This is our holo^H^H^H^Htraining simulation.  Here you will learn the
skills to destroy the BIFFTRIX and free all imprisoned humanity.
Fortunately, it won't take long, because all you have to do is eat these
magic Kung Fu Pills." He gave two small red pills to BIFF.

"DOOD I KANT SWALOW PILS!1" said BIFF.  Laurence Fishburne materialized
the children's elixir version and BIFF drank it.

"HEY THAT TASTES YUKKY!!!!!!111!!!!" he said, then jumped five feet into
the air, kicked his legs twenty times, did ten somersaults, then spun like
a drill bit and drilled a hole to the center of the earth.

"This simulation is really no different from the world you knew," said
Laurence Fishburne, "but if you know that it is not real-- if you use the
F^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hcut back a little on the wonder-why, and give your
heart a try-- you can accomplish anything.  You can make a rainbow, cover
it with dew! You can colorize William H. Macy!  The robomods are faster
than any human, but they are not human so you are faster than them!  You
can beat them, BIFF!  You are the One who was, the One who is, the One who
will be!"

"WOW IM A SUPER FITER!!!!!!!111" he said.  Then Laurence Fishburne made a
cartoon anvil that squashed him into a BIFF pancake.

"DOOD IM' FLAT!!!!  !!!  !1!"  BIFF cried.

Then BIFF woke up.

====

He was in the real world, but he was still flat as a pancake!  "HEY DOOD I
THOT THIS WASENT REEL!!!!111" he said.

"Your mind has flattened you.  A cartoon anvil in the BIFFTRIX will be as
deadly as any real cartoon anvil," said Laurence Fishburne.  "That is to
say, it will be mildly uncomfortable and you may have to wear an X-shaped
bandage."

"THATS SO KOOL DOOD ITS LIKE A GAEM XCEPT ITS REAL!!!!!"

"Fortunately it works both ways."  They jacked back into the training
program, and Laurence Fishburne re-inflated BIFF with Felix the Cat's
bicycle pump.

Then BIFF woke up.

====

             (musical interlude)
             
  KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
  KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
  KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
  KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!

           (VERY LOUD WHITE NOISE)
             
  KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
  KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
  KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
  KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!

            YEEEAEAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHH!!!
            
     I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!
     
                             SKRONK!

====

They were on board Laurence Fishburne's rad-i-kool antigravity ship, the
_Fillenium Malcon_.  Everything inside had blue lightning bolts shooting
out of it at everything else.  The whole interior was filled with leering
gargoyles, and it was powered by a spiky, rotating Bumble Ball containing
the damned immortal soul of Sam Neill.  It was the coolest thing that BIFF
could possibly imagine! Fortunately, he was struck dumb with awe.

Laurence Fishburne was at the wheel.  He was surrounded by panels that
displayed streaming Zapf Dingbats using the world's deepest Nixie glow
tubes.  They presented him with the raw code of the BIFFTRIX, which
existed at too high a bandwidth to be displayed in any way other than Zapf
Dingbats at six characters a second.

"M33T R K-R4D HAQCR PHRENDS" said Muffy.  She introduced BIFF to her
compatriots Tonk, Scrubber, Pismo, Four-Eyes, Hollywood, Oddball, Pepper,
Wimpy, Skuzzhead, Fink, Ribbit, Fershlugginer, Phlezofigle, WoxWox, and
Octopod.  Then evil robot jellyfish broke in and killed them all, but were
in turn zapped by lightning bolts.

"1 TH1NQ R|8B1T WUZ 4 TR41T3R 3NYW4Y" said Muffy.

"These clouds are creating too much friction!" shouted Laurence Fishburne.
"Our orbit is decaying!  They'll have us in a minute!"

Before anything consequential could happen, BIFF woke up.

====

He was in the cab of a giant strip-mine dump truck.  Muffy was driving.

"T|=|3Y H4V3 L4UR3Nc3 PH/5HB3RN" she said.

They were back in the BIFFTRIX.  Laurence Fishburne was being held in the
palatial home of an international criminal mastermind, with a large
collection of classic cars lined up in two precisely spaced pairs along
the sides of the long, long driveway, so Muffy had used their ability to
materialize anything to materialize Jackie Chan's dump truck.  They
squished all the cars:  squish, squish, squish.  The bed of the truck was
entirely filled with loaded Uzis.

Once the front of the house caved in, they jumped from the cab to the bed
of the truck with bionic grace and grabbed as many guns as they could
hold.

"THIS IS SO K-RAD DUUD I HAEV 2 OOZYS AND ANOTHR 3 IN MY PANTS!!!!!!11"
said BIFF, joyfully, as he commenced shooting everything in sight.

He shot the vast crowd of robomods inside the building.  He shot the
windows. He shot the doors.  He shot the food.  He shot the first-aid kits
and the rotating power-ups.  He shot the EXIT signs and the video screens
with no vertical hold. He shot the lights.  He shot the linoleum.  He shot
the pots and pans hanging above the kitchen counter.  He shot the
humanoids.  He shot the pods.  He shot the flying yellow buzzsaws.  He
shot the EXTRA LIVES indicator.  He shot the Nazi tanks that were rolling
toward his gym teacher, buried up to the neck in fire ants.  He shot
rotoscoped stock footage from _Alexander Nevsky_.  He shot Muffy and
Laurence Fishburne, but fortunately they were using a special Vulcan
ritual to stop believing in the bullets.

When he was done, he shot a large hole in the ceiling and jumped through,
hurtling over the city at supersonic speed, except for the occasional
moments when he slowed down to molasses speed and rotated 720 degrees
around five different axes, coinciding with particularly loud guitar
solos.

"I M GOD OF THA BIFFTRIX!!!!!!!!111  I KAN DO ANYTHING!!!!!! 111 !!!! !!!!!11"

He landed in the center of town and stole skateboards from Toys R Us.  He
shot up drink machines and stole the Mountain Dew because it was the most
extreme.  He stole traffic lights just in case he ever got into college. 
He shot his way into a hotel and stole the LODGENET Nintendo 64
controllers.  He broke into the shopping mall, turned invisible, and hid
out in the ladies' fitting rooms at Macy's for three hours, then
remembered that it was closed.

Eventually he decided to shoot up the Cinnabon at the mall food court. 
When he got there, his boss was waiting!

"So... Mister BIFF, we meet again," he said, twitching his eyebrows in
different directions.  "Despite your newfound powers, you're as much of a
moron as you ever were.  It's people like you who make the life of a
robomoderator difficult. You'd think that we don't care at all, but it
isn't true.  There are some things that make even the 'bots flinch.  You
know, I've tried to classify your species. You're not actually a mammal. 
All mammals strive toward a harmonious equilibrium with their environment,
such the humble rabbit of Australia, or the raccoon of Cambridge,
Massachusetts.  No, BIFF... You are a thing to be eradicated by
overexploitation... like the cod!"

"HEY DOOD I NO WHAT YOUR THINKING BUT IT WASENT ME WHO PLAID HOCKY WITH
THE FROZEN CINNABUNS ON TEUSDAY!"  BIFF said, waving his Uzi menacingly
and wondering if his job might be in danger.

"I am afraid we have no recourse but to settle this, er, *man* to, ah,
*man*... though I admit that the term is applicable to neither of us."

"O NO U R GAY!  GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!"

When his boss suddenly started shooting at him, BIFF tried desperately to
remember everything he had learned from eating the Kung Fu Pill. 
Unfortunately, all he could remember was the candied Tai Chi coating, and
he started to contort slowly while balancing his internal energies. 
Fortunately this was cool-looking enough to stop time and make bullets
freeze and fall harmlessly to the ground.

Then they climbed up a skyscraper and BIFF's boss fell off.  Then they
raced exploding speedboats.  Then they shot each other out of airlocks. 
Then BIFF's boss trapped BIFF in a magnetic prison on an offshore oil
rig.  Then BIFF used the Arecibo radio dish to tell a satellite to make
computers explode.  Then BIFF's boss dropped a spider on BIFF with a
string.  Then BIFF peeled a flying logo off his chest that encased BIFF's
boss in a shrinky plastic bag.  Then BIFF's boss put his hand in the
activating palm switch for the Martian atmosphere generator.  Then BIFF
rammed the _Disco Volante_ into his boss's giant magnet that attracted
gold.  Then BIFF told BIFF's boss that there was no Sanctuary. Then BIFF's
boss told BIFF that 13th century was negative.  Then BIFF went running
through a chalice of fire.  Then BIFF's boss shrank BIFF with a shrinking
ray.  Then BIFF fired his helical Q-beam at BIFF's boss's Bergenholm drive
but BIFF's boss parried with his quasi-solid spheroidal force shield. 
Then BIFF's boss summoned the crawling chaos Nyarlathotep from hoary
ancient temples of he whose name cannot be spoken aloud. Then BIFF lassoed
a twister and formed the Painted Desert.  Then BIFF's boss crashed the
Spaceship of the Imagination into BIFF's hyperspace dodecahedron.  Then
BIFF abandoned physical instrumentality and made BIFF's boss go all
woogly.  Then BIFF's boss tricked BIFF into holding the purple Teletubby's
purse.  Then BIFF held down the exclamation point key and made so many
exclamation points that the BIFFTRIX exploded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!1!!
!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!1!!
!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!1!!
!!!1!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!
!!!1!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!1!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!!!!
!!!1!!!1!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!1!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!1!!!!!1!!!!!
!!!1!!!!!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!1!1!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!1!!1!!!!!1!!!!!
!!!1!!!1!!1!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!1!1!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!1!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!1!!!1!!1!!!1!!!!!!1!!1!!!!1!!!!!!!1!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!1!!1!!!!!!1!!!!
!!!11!!1!!1!1!1!!!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!
!!!11!!1!!!!1!1!!!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!!1!!!!!!!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!
!!!11!!1!!!!1!1!!!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!!1!!!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!
!!!11!!1!!!!1!1!1!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!11!1!!!!1!!!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!!1!
!!!11!!!!1!!!!1!1!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!11!1!!!!1!!!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!!1!
!1!11!1!!11!1!1!1!!11!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!!1!!!!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!!1!
!1!11!111!1!1!1!11!!1!1!1!!1!!!!1!!!11!!1!1!!!11!11!1!!1!1!!1!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!
11111!!11!1!1!1!11!!1!1!!!!1!!1!1!!!11!!1!1!!!11!11!1!!1!1!!!!1!!!!1!!!!1!!!
!11111!!!1111!1!1!!11!1!1!1!!1111!1!11!111!!1!11!11!!!11!!!1!1!!1111!111!!1!
111111!11!11111111!!1111111!!!111!111111!1!111!1!!111111111!111!111111111111
1111111111111111111!1111111!1111111111111!111111!111111111111111111111111111
111111111111111111111111111111111111111111!111111111111111111111111111111111
1111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111


                              T # 3     3 N 8

BLACK CLAW!!!
HACKSAW!!!!!!!
BACK CLAW!!!!!
BLACK CROW!!!
JACKDAW!!!
BLACK CRAW!!!
BACKHOE!!!!!1


[sixty miles of effects credits]

Then BIFF woke up, but it was just a wacky outtake.

-- 
Matt McIrvin    http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/