Date: Thu, 15 Nov 2001 02:58:12 -0500 Subject: Re: Terl & Witchiepoo Act Real Loud Status: R In alt.religion.kibology, kibo@world.std.com wrote: Last night, I wrote: > > About three weeks ago, I told Matt McIrvin he HAD to post a "Witchiepoo & > Terl" story -- what the people on the Internet call "erotica" -- > but he refused, so now I'm going to give him just thirty more seconds > otherwise all of us will have to start talking about Witchiepoo > without him, while he has to sit in the corner in the middle of > the River Of Shampoo. > > [...] > > He could also put in some Swedish nuns dancing with giant mice, > but then William S. Burroughs would butcher his story. > > (Matt better hurry up and write the story now or else > I'll have to explain that before he can write it.) Too late! Matt, you've missed your chance and now you have to suffer. -- print this out, cut here, and tape this to a movie screen to make a movie -- James "Kibo" Parry presents TERL & WITCHIEPOO A Sid & Marty Krofft & L. Ron Hubbard production IN ALL CAPS (THE THX LOGO APPEARS, ACCOMPANIED BY THE USUAL ANNOYING LOUD NOISE. FINE PRINT BELOW IT SAYS "WARNING: THE REST OF THIS MOVIE IS EVEN LOUDER.") TERL (yelling at the top of his lungs) ARRRR! NOW I SHALL INVADE FORT KNOX OF THE YEAR 3000 TO STEAL THE GOLD! WITCHIEPOO (shrieking at the top of her lungs) ARRRR! NOW I SHALL KIDNAP THAT LITTLE BRITISH BOY FROM SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA TO STEAL HIS GOLDEN FLUTE! (THEY BUMP INTO EACH OTHER. THEIR EYES MEET. IT IS LUV.) TERL (yelling) ARRRR! IT IS LUV! WITCHIEPOO (shrieking) ARRRR! IT IS LUV! JACK PALANCE (overacting almost as much) ARRRR! IT IS A LETTER OF THE ALPHABET! TERL (yelling even louder now) WITCHIEPOO, AS WE BOTH DESIRE THIS EARTH GOLD, LET US COMBINE OUR FORCES! WITCHIEPOO (shrieking so loud the cardboard sets vibrate) YES! USING THIS GUILLOTINE WHICH SID AND MARTY HAVE CONVENIENTLY COVERED IN ORANGE AND PURPLE GLITTER, I WILL CUT YOUR "BATTLEFIELD EARTH" DVD AND MY "PUFNSTUF" VHS CASSETTE IN HALF AND ASSEMBLE THEM INTO ONE SPECTACULAR PIECE OF ENTERTAINMENT THAT WILL BE TOO LOUD FOR GOLD TO WITHSTAND! (SHE DOES SO. THE GUILLOTINE IS VERY LOUD.) MAYOR McCHEESE DUH, WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO? (HE PULLS A LEVER WHICH HE CALLS A BUTTON.) TERL YOU BURGER-BRAINED FOOL! THAT'S THE LEVER THAT MAKES THE CAMERA TILT! (THE CAMERA TILTS TO THE LEFT THIRTY DEGREES. EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE SUFFERS A PAINFUL NECK INJURY WHILE THEY WATCH THE REST OF THIS FILM, WHICH IS NOW CROOKED. THE TOPS OF THE CARDBOARD HOUSES AND TREES ON LIVING ISLAND ARE NOW CLEARLY VISIBLE IN THE CORNER OF THE SCREEN, WITH SOME SIXTY-WATT STUDIO LIGHTS ABOVE THEM. A PYRAMID-SHAPED GLASS PAPERWEIGHT ON TERL'S DESK NOW BLOCKS MOST OF THE SCENE, SHOWING A REFLECTION OF A TEAMSTER EATING A HAMBURGER.) MAYOR McCHEESE (screaming real loud) OW SOMEONE IS EATING MY HEAD!!! AAAAAAAAA!!! PEE-WEE HERMAN (screaming realer and louder) THAT'S TODAY'S SECRET WORD, "AAAAAAAAA!!!" FOR THE REST OF THE MOVIE WHENEVER ANYONE SAYS THE WORD "AAAAAAAAA!!!", SCREAM REAL LOUD! READY? LET'S TRY IT! MAYOR McCHEESE (bleeding ketchup from his face) AAAAAAAAA!!! PEE-WEE & TERL & WITCHIEPOO & JACK PALANCE AAAAAAAAA!!! MAYOR McCHEESE AAAAAAAAA!!! PEE-WEE & TERL & WITCHIEPOO & JACK PALANCE AAAAAAAAA!!! MAYOR McCHEESE AAAAAAAA... PEE-WEE SORRY, NOT LOUD ENOUGH! (PEE-WEE SHOOTS MAYOR McCHEESE TO PUT HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY WHICH HAS THE FORTUNATE SIDE EFFECT OF ENDING THE LOUDEST PART OF THE MOVIE. MAYOR McCHEESE DIES, FALLING ON THE CAMERA-TILT LEVER AGAIN.) TERL THE CAMERA IS TILTING!!! JOHN LITHGOW (pointing at the planet Jupiter) IT'S TILTING!!! IT'S TILTING!!! (THE CAMERA TILTS SIXTY DEGREES TO THE RIGHT. NOW THE UNDERSIDE OF THE SOUNDSTAGE IS CLEARLY VISIBLE AND WITCHIEPOO'S CARDBOARD HOUSE IS THRUST UP INTO THE AIR WHERE IT COLLIDES WITH THE PLANET JUPITER. THIS CAUSES MASSIVE DEVASTATION, REPRESENTED BY THE CAMERA ZOOMING IN AND OUT REPEATEDLY WHILE STAGEHANDS DUMP ORANGE AND PURPLE CONFETTI. EVERYONE BEGINS BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER IN FAST MOTION.) WITCHIEPOO YOU CLUMSY OAF! TERL FOOL! WITCHIEPOO DWEEB! TERL RAT-BRAIN! WITCHIEPOO SCIENTOLOGIST! (THEY BEGIN HAVING A DOUBLE-SPEED SISSY SLAP-FIGHT ACCOMPANIED BY ALL SORTS OF EXTREMELY LOUD CARTOON NOISES THAT DO NOT MATCH THE ACTION AT ALL. AT ONE POINT, WITCHIEPOO FLAILS HER ARMS, AND THEY GO "BLORCH!" AND THEN TERL FALLS ON HIS BUTT WHICH GOES "KOO-KOO!" SEVERAL DVDS ARE KNOCKED OFF A SHELF INTO WITCHIEPOO'S ARMS AND SHE FALLS INTO THE GUILLOTINE.) WITCHIEPOO MY ARMS! MY DVDS! TERL PERHAPS I CAN PUT THESE DVDS BACK TOGETHER! WITCHIEPOO NO YOU FOOL YOU'RE GLUING HALF OF THIS MOVIE TO HALF OF "SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE: THE SPECIAL EDITION: THE DVD: THE COMMENTARY TRACK!" WITH DIRECTOR RICHARD DONNER AND CREATIVE CONSULTANT TOM MANKIEWICZ! (THERE IS A FIVE-MINUTE PAUSE.) RICHARD DONNER REMEMBER THIS? TOM MANKIEWICZ YEAH. (THERE IS A FIVE-MINUTE PAUSE.) TOM MANKIEWICZ HEY, I REMEMBER THIS. REMEMBER THIS? RICHARD DONNER YEAH. (THERE IS A FIVE-MINUTE PAUSE.) RICHARD DONNER YOU KNOW, I REMEMBER EVERY DETAIL OF SETTING UP EVERY ONE OF THESE SPECIAL EFFECTS SHOTS. (THERE IS A TEN-MINUTE PAUSE.) TERL ARRRRRRRR! TERL SMASH DVD WITH WORSE THAN USELESS COMMENTARY TRACK! TERL PREFER CRITERION COLLECTION DVDS BECAUSE THEY SO CLASSY! I GRAB ONE NOW! WITCHIEPOO BE CAREFUL! THEY DISTRIBUTE "ARMAGEDDON" FOR SOME REASON! PUTTING "ARMAGEDDON" IN HERE WILL MAKE THIS FILM TOO LOUD! TERL THAN I GRAB SILENT FILM FROM CRITERION COLLECTION! OKAY? WITCHIEPOO OKAY! TERL WHAT? WITCHIEPOO OKAY! (TERL GLUES HALF OF "HAXAN: WITCHCRAFT THROUGH THE AGES" TO THIS MOVIE. SUDDENLY, WITCHIEPOO IS DANCING WITH SOME GIANT MICE. ALSO, SHE IS SWEDISH.) TERL WITCHIEPOO, YOU ARE BEING VERY DISTURBING! WITCHIEPOO BUT AT LEAST MY ARMS GREW BACK! TERL OH YEAH, I FORGOT ABOUT THAT. (THE DIRECTOR OF "HAXAN" APPEARS, AS THE DEVIL.) THE DEVIL (silently) ARRRRR!!! TERL (loud) ARRRRR!!! WITCHIEPOO (louder) ARRRRR!!! COOKIE MONSTER (loudest) ARRRRR IS FOR RAISIN-NUT COOKIE! GIMME COOKIE! TERL WITCHIEPOO, WE HAVE TO GIVE COOKIE MONSTER A COOKIE OR HE WILL GO MAD WITH HUNGER AND EAT YOUR CARDBOARD SETS! WITCHIEPOO OH, WHAT A WORLD! KEVIN COSTNER YOU RANG? WITCHIEPOO NO, I SAID "WHAT A WORLD", NOT "WATERWORLD", YOU LOSER! THIS MOVIE IS ONLY OPEN TO PEOPLE WHO OVERACTED IN "BATTLEFIELD EARTH", NOT PEOPLE WHO UNDERACTED IN "WATERWORLD"! KEVIN COSTNER SORRY. COOKIE MONSTER ME EAT EVERYTHING NOW! TERL ME STOP YOU, HAIR-HEAD! (COOKIE MONSTER BEATS UP TERL IN A TRIPLE-SPEED SISSY SLAP-FIGHT.) TERL OW, MY BODY PARTS! MY DREADLOCKS! WITCHIEPOO WHAT A WORLD! HOW DID WE COME TO THIS? ALL WE WANTED WAS A GOLDEN FLUTE AND SOME GOLD BARS! TERL THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA! QUICK, HAND ME THE TWINKIES! (SHE GIVES HIM SOME TWINKIES AND HE FEEDS THEM TO COOKIE MONSTER.) COOKIE MONSTER (eating very loudly) UMM NUMM NUMM!!! ME LIKE DELICIOUS SPONGY TEXTURE OF THESE GOLDEN SNACK-TREAT-LIKE BARS! INCREDIBLE HULK (also eating Twinkies) HULK LIKE GOLDEN BARS OF CHEMICALS TOO! COOKIE MONSTER UMM NUMM MUMM!!! INCREDIBLE HULK ARRRRR! YUM! ARRRRR!!! NARRATOR (shouting over the din) AND SO, NOBODY ON LIVING ISLAND EVER FELT THE NEED TO EAT MAYOR McCHEESE'S HEAD AGAIN. THE END. (THE CLOSING CREDITS ROLL OVER THE 1812 OVERTURE, ACCOMPANIED BY REAL CANNONS FIRING DIRECTLY INTO THE EARS OF EVER THEATERGOER, INCLUDING ONES WATCHING OTHER MOVIES. THEN THE WORLD BLOWS UP. IT IS REALLY LOUD.) RICHARD DONNER HEY, REMEMBER WHEN THE WORLD BLEW UP? TOM MANKIEWICZ IS THIS FILM STILL ON? CHANGE THE CHANNEL! RICHARD DONNER I DON'T THINK WE'RE ALLOWED TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL WHILE WE'RE DOING A COMMENTARY TRACK! TOM MANKIEWICZ BUT THE GUY JUST SAID THE MOVIE'S OVER! RICHARD DONNER WHO? TOM MANKIEWICZ THE NARRATOR! RICHARD DONNER WHAT ABOUT HIM? THE DEVIL OH, TO HELL WITH YOU! (THE DEVIL PULLS A BIG LEVER. THE CAMERA STRAIGHTENS OUT, THE FLOOR OPENS UP, AND THEY ALL FALL INTO HELL. SUDDENLY EVERYTHING IS QUIET. ALL IS BLACK. THE CURTAIN GOES DOWN. JACK PALANCE WALKS IN FRONT OF IT, TAKES A SWIG FROM A HIP FLASK, AND EXITS. FADE OUT.) -- the above is the actual end of the movie, anything below this line isn't -- -- even in the movie and does not count towards the Oscar -------------------- Well, I hope you enjoyed reading that almost as much as I enjoyed yelling it at you. Also, there should be an umlaut in "Haxan" but I left it out because I wanted to put it in next year for the Special Edition DVD, along with my commentary track on the commentary track and an all-new documentary on The Making Of The Interactive Menu System. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go sweep up all this confetti. -- K. I have to return it to the confetti rental shop, and it better all be there when they count it!