Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 01:23:36 -0500 Subject: Re: Kibo presents: BUBBLEBABIES (rerun) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.teletubbies References: <798t1o$p7g$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com> Status: R Kibo wrote: >Shawn David Struck (jaxom17@hotmail.com) wrote: >> >> [stuff about how the Teletubbies are a little weird] > >As promised, here's my scholarly analysis of the Teletubbies, which I wrote >last year BEFORE their American premiere. Note how many of these ideas >they stole from me. > > -- K. > AGAIN! AGAIN! > >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- > From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Kibo presents: BUBBLEBABIES Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.teletubbies Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 06:02:11 GMT (FADE IN on a plush green landscape, covered by a plastic dome. Colored sparkles are swirling around inside the bubble. Inside, four cuddly roly-poly creatures made out of foam rubber are dancing around spastically. These are the Bubblebabies, KAZOO, WINKY, BUH-BUH, and URP. A giant ball of fire shaped like a baby's grinning head -- the sun of this beautiful world -- rises over the horizon and winks. The Bubblebabies are rolling around on the ground, accompanied by music-box music played at half speed.) BUH-BUH Funny! Funny! (They chase each other around in circles a while.) WINKY Funny! Funny! URP Again! KAZOO Again again! (they chase each other around in circles a while.) WINKY Funny! Funny! BUH-BUH Winky! WINKY Buh-buh! BUH-BUH Again! WINKY Buh-buh! BUH-BUH Winky! (Winky and Buh-Buh hug.) KAZOO Again! URP Again again! (Winky and Buh-Buh hug. The Bubblebabies begin jumping up and down for a while. Suddenly giant periscopes, with eyeballs where the lenses should be, rise out of the nearby mountains. The Bubblebabies all gasp in horror and duck and cover. An enormous fireball explodes from the smiling baby-head sun and toasts everything. Cautiously, the Bubblebabies come out of hiding.) KAZOO Again! BUH-BUH Again again! WINKY Again again, again again! URP Again again, again again! Again again, again again! (They all duck and cover and the sun explodes again.) WINKY Funny! Funny! (A huge silver pinwheel rises out of the sun and begins spinning with an ominous wump-wump-wump sound. A continuous stream of lightning bolts begins coming out of it and going into URP's eyes. His chest shows stock footage of some babies watching Bubblebabies, for several minutes. Then the lightning bolts intensify and he screams. The camera dives into his mouth. FADE TO BLACK.) (We see a close-up of Bob Hope's face, and we hear dogs barking to the tune of "Jingle Bells". The photo of Bob Hope slowly revolves as the camera zooms in on his eyes. Suddenly, in the middle of a stanza, we SMASH-CUT to the camera zooming in and out repeatedly, very fast, on a whirling assembly of Tinkertoys while we hear the sound of a cat with a rocking chair on its tail. DISSOLVE TO URP sitting on his butt, as the pinwheel retracts into the sun.) BUH-BUH Again! KAZOO Again again again again again again again again! (URP bursts into tears and runs out of the frame. A magical lollipop tree suddenly grows into existence near WINKY. He pulls off a lollipop, takes a big bite out of it, and throws it away.) BUH-BUH Again! (WINKY pulls off another lollipop, takes a bite out of it, and thows it away.) BUH-BUH Again! (This repeats until there is only one lollipop left on the tree. WINKY pulls it off, and suddenly the lollipop turns into a big mouth that bites off WINKY's face.) KAZOO Funny! Funny! BUH-BUH Funny funny funny funny! Kazoo! KAZOO Buh-buh! BUH-BUH Kazoo! KAZOO Buh-buh! (They pull out guns and shoot each other. For several seconds, nothing happens. Then URP carefully peeks into the frame.) URP Funny...? (A squadron of white Mickey Mouse gloves slowly levitates into view above the horizon, making helicopter noises. Suddenly, with a loud sucking sound, they rush forward and cover the camera lens.) (CUT TO BLACK. In voice-over, we hear URP being strangled.) (CUT TO: CARD READING "PLEASE STAND BY". NEVER CUT AWAY FROM THIS CARD. THE END.) -- K. I'm sure when I actually see the premiere of Teletubbies tomorrow it'll be even more repetitious and less non-threatening. Date: Fri, 5 Feb 1999 01:26:14 -0500 Subject: Re: Kibo presents: BUBBLEBABIES (rerun) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology References: <798t1o$p7g$1@nnrp1.dejanews.com> Status: R I just reposted my "Bubblebabies" script. And because someone just shouted "AGAIN! AGAIN!" again, now I have to repost my comments which followed the original posting last year. My comments on my own comments are in [brackets] like [this] and were written now [February 1999] and not in April 1998. If you couldn't figure that out on your own you are not smart enough to read about "Teletubbies". -- K. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo presents: BUBBLEBABIES Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.teletubbies Date: Tue, 7 Apr 1998 04:52:34 GMT Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) writes: > > > > This was painful to read. > > > > I'm going to go get a vassectomy now. > > This disturbed me the same way that watching _Threads_ when I was > in 5th grade in spite of (well, *because* of) being warned > several times by my parents and the show itself that watching this > show would be worse that watching Fluffy die of a spinal cord > injury. BUBBLEBABIES was Barney's version of _Apocalypse Now_. > > I'm scared. So, I take it nobody else bought a new TV just to watch the premiere of Teletubbies? [ I really did write "Bubblebabies" before having seen even clips from "Teletubbies". I had only seen still pictures, and a brief review, in "TV Guide" the previous week. ] [ By the way, how long after the invention of movies did someone decide from now on "still pictures" would be the default term for photographs? ] Had I ever seen the show, I would have made the details more accurate, like, I didn't know that the giant evil mind-control periscopes made farting noises. And I didn't know that the sun keeps shouting "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!". And I didn't know that the Teletubbies live in that alien ship that thumps Chris Elliott in the butt in "The Abyss". I also didn't realize that because the show is British the title is actually pronounced "Telly-Tubbies". And I should have caught on that it was a knockoff of "The Prisoner" for kids. [ Actually, the paragraph about the whirling array of Tinkertoys intercutting the close-up of the photo of Bob Hope _was_ a direct "Prisoner" reference, specifically, the episode titled "The General". ] So what IS the deal with the pinwheel that emits sparkly radiation that makes all the Teletubbies say "UH-OH!"? Is it the deadly UH-OH! ray? Why does the voiceover come out of periscopes with glistening wet lenses that make farting noises? Why is the baby's head on fire? AND WHY ISN'T THERE ENOUGH REPETITION? -- K. When Sesame Street was new they said, "Do kids really need to know how to subtract?" Now those same detractors are using equally lame sophistry like "Do kids really need to be brainwashed into being afraid of radioactive pinwheels?" to disparage the fine educational product that is Teletubbies! [ That was, if I recall correctly, in reference to some Teletubbies executive telling TV Guide, "When 'Sesame Street' started, they said, do kids really need to learn to count?" or something along those lines, attempting to counter allegations that MAKING TV SHOWS FOR SIX-TO-TWELVE-MONTH-OLDS IS EVIL!!! ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo presents: BUBBLEBABIES Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.teletubbies Date: Fri, 10 Apr 1998 06:26:20 GMT Alex Suter (asuter@world.std.com) wrote: > > Thus spake laughman.2@osu.edu: > > > > RU > > B4I4Q--QT(3.14159) > > 18 > > > > THAT'S MY RADIKOOL LIGHT SABER!!!!!111 -- Lupus Yonderboy > > My skills as a Jedi are now complete! > > Did I really say that? Why are you folks talking about violent movies like "Star Wars" in alt.tv.teletubbies? You should be talking about children's shows, like "Knight Rider", and not serious grownup drama like "Star Wars"! The best magazine ad I ever saw was a few months back. It was a two-page spread of solid black. There was a little black card glued to the middle of the right-hand page. (Must have been expensive.) If you looked under it, it said "You have failed. Because you cannot resist temptation, you are not qualified to play 'Jedi Knight'." Actually, I am not qualified to play Jedi Knight because my Apple Pentium's Win95 uses crummy old 16-bit drivers, dammit! But that wouldn't be something cool to say in an ad. Also, I could beat Darth Vader any day even if I were wearing a gas mask and a heavy black rubber cape. Doesn't Darth know that he could use the Force to do backflips so much easier if he dressed like, say, Superman? I see Superman in a Darth Vader helmet. Eating a bowl of tiddlywinks. [ I have no idea how I came up with that image, but I love the idea of Darth Vader stuffing handfuls of plastic tiddlies into his mouth grille and yelling "UMM-NUMM-NUMM-NUMM" like Cookie Monster as they all fall out the sides of his mouth. ] -- K. I'd like to see Darth Vader explain what the hell I'm doing trying to use an Apple-made Pentium. [ The Apple Pentium-166 is still installed somewhere in the bowels of this computer, but I haven't booted it up since then. ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo presents: BUBBLEBABIES Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.teletubbies, alt.tv.v Date: Tue, 14 Apr 1998 05:26:28 GMT "*The* Didaskalos" (thedidaskalos@usa.net) wrote: > > I don't want to sound too ignorant, It's okay, you sound just ignorant enough. > but does this by any chance have anything to do with kibology? No. No, it does not. However, it has everything to do with... A NEW CAR!!!! (The Didaskalos begins jumping up and down and squealing as Kibo calls him, her, them, or it down to the stage.) Ohhhh, The Didaskalos, I'm soooo sorrrrrry, I lied, it's really just Kibology. (The canned orchestra plays the "ZONK" music as the well-preserved middle-aged woman in the bikini carefully bends her arm to point to an oversize green and purple cardboard box which says "KIBOLOGY" in purple glitter. We hear her skin make the same sound a leather balloon being rubbed with violin rosin would make as her elbow flexes. She smiles, and her eyeshadow cracks.) But don't despair, you'll also win a lovely copy of our HOME GAME! (He hands The Didaskalos a small cardboard box. The Didaskalos opens it and inside is a card which says "YOU LOSE AGAIN!" The recorded orchestra plays the "ZONK" music again, as Kibo pulls the lever which makes confetti and streamers fall on the audience, which consists entirely of puppies.) [ I fixed a typo in the above for this repost. So there. ] > Perhaps somebody could enlighten me via email as to what kibology is. > It sounds like a Vatican run by the Keebler elves to me. KIBO: Hey, who are you, and why are you living in this hollow tree? ERNIE: I'm Ernie Keebler, and I'm a wacky elf! Love me! Won't you come into my tree to look at my cookies? KIBO: Look at your cookies? Jeez, no. I got work to do. HETERO, NON-ELF-RELATED work. ERNIE: But you can try my new bacon-frosted bacon! It's bacon dipped in a candy shell, sprinked with bacon bits! And it's made WITH real bacon! (He holds up a piece of brown cardboard with brown gravel glued to it and a tiny bacon grease stain at one end.) KIBO: Wow. You've finally succeeded in finding a way to ruin bacon. I'm getting out of here. Bye, I'm going to the Vatican. They only serve bacon the way it was meant to be served -- in the Sistine Chapel! (Kibo exits.) ERNIE: Waah. My factory is bankrupt. Now I'll have to move into a sheet of plywood in the alley behind Trader Joe's. (He disappears into the hollow tree.) (Enter the Pope.) POPE: Hey, Ernie, I'm looking for Kibo. Have you seen him? Ernie? (The Pope peers into the hole in the tree. We see a reverse angle -- the inside of the tree, with the Pope's head sticking through a hole in the wall of the tiny factory. Ernie is floating face down in a vat of fudge. The Pope takes Ernie's tiny, lifeless body and cradles it in his hands, then bites it.) POPE: Mmm, fudgy! -- K. Mmm, elfy! [ Every time I see a Carvel ad -- especially if it's an old videotape featuring the ads with the gravel-voiced Tom Carvel himself -- I run around for weeks shouting, "I'M FUDGY THE WHALE!" ] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo presents: BUBBLEBABIES Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.teletubbies, alt.tv.v, alt.stupidity, alt.non.sequitur Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 15 Apr 1998 06:29:35 GMT In various parts of various newsgroups, "Hy Drox" (hydrox@sunshine.com) wrote, with the help of Matthew Lehr: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > ERNIE (Keebler): But you can try my new bacon-frosted bacon! It's bacon > > dipped in a candy shell, sprinked with bacon bits! And it's made WITH > > real bacon! (He holds up a piece of brown cardboard with brown gravel > > glued to it and a tiny bacon grease stain at one end.) > > > > KIBO: Wow. You've finally succeeded in finding a way to ruin bacon. > > Ruin bacon? Since when is combining rich, buttery shortbread > cookies with sizzlin' hot crispy strips of bacon a "ruination????" "DOGS AND USENET READERS DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT BACON!" So I take it you haven't tried Keebler Bacon-Frosted Bacon(TM) yet. I feel that although the cardboard does pass as extremely stale yet undercooked bacon (really underraw bacon, or possibly underarm bacon) the brown aquarium gravel does not even approach the quality of the completely real bacon they use in Bac*Os. However, as the box indicates, it *is* made WITH real bacon: INGREDIENTS: Water, Emulsifiers (Cellulose Gel, Guar Gum, Carageenan, Hydrogenated Methylcellulse, Wood Pulp, Sawdust, Trees Chunked & Formed), Textured Vegetable Protein (Bumpy Kelp, Squiggly Crabgrass, Tofu That Fell Onto A Shag Rug), Animal And/Or Vegetable Shortening (It's Always Lard), Natural Flavors (Uranium Hexafluoride, Strontium 90, Modified Asbestos), Natural Colors (Green 2000, Gray 8000, Cloudy 9000), Preservatives (Calcium Disodium MTBA, BHA & BUAF, Polysorbate 76), Other (Modified Rat), Bacon (Deposited By Electroplating.) The "DOGS DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT BACON -- BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID!" ad campaign is a wonderful idea, and I wish I had thought of it. They could do so much more with it. Like: "WEBTV -- DOGS DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT A COMPUTER!" "HEXADECIMAL -- DOGS DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT DECIMAL!" "RANCID -- DOGS DON'T KNOW IT'S RANCID!" -- K. Of course, in the seventies, they marketed "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S DOG FOOD!" in Russia. [ For some reason, the "DOG'S DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT BACON!" commercial is more popular as an alt.religion.kibology touchstone than the one I prefer, with the strip of bacon growing in the empty salad dressing bottle in the middle of a field with a bee making light-saber noises around the bottle. Then it caps itself with a sucking sound. ] [ This is where the ugly girl from fourth grade stands up and yells, "OHHH HEY THAT RHYMES! YOUR FUNNEY JIM!" Also she's about forty years old. ]