Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2001 02:48:44 -0400 Subject: Re: My life of crime begins... Status: R In alt.religion.kibology, dpacheco@iname.com wrote: tamaraharris@sprint.ca said: > Okay! I like the name. Now we have to cast the movie. And we need a > script. > > Mr. Pacheco? Where are you? Dubious Achievement Productions Presents - o - Tamara in the Slammer-a with Gamera - o - A prison film/morality tale by David Pacheco [ SCENE: The Wholsom Women's High Security Prison yard. Daytime. Prisoners mill about, discussing the major food groups. Suddenly, TAMARA walks out into the yard, surrounded by her BITCHES (an updated Greek chorus). The yard falls silent. ] TAMARA Smokes. [ One of her BITCHES runs up, places cigarette in TAMARA's lips, lights cigarette, runs back into position. TAMARA checks her watch. ] TAMARA Not bad. Not bad. BITCHES [ together ] We are glad to serve! [ She strolls into the middle of the yard. BITCHES follow. As they walk, they surrepetitiously drop dirt from their pants, that has been dug for escape tunnels . CLOSEUP on one of the BITCHES pants leg: a bowling ball falls out. TAMARA turns and faces the BITCHES: points at three of them. ] TAMARA You, you and you. Orgy scene, now. [ The selected BITCHES initiate a three-way of spectacularly depraved intensity. ] [ SFX: WOKKA-CHIKKA WOKKA-CHIKKA WOKKA-CHIKKA BOW ] [ Other inmates gather around, hooting and catcalling. CUT to MOVIE AUDIENCE, where FILM CRITIC is sitting next to HAYSEED. ] FILM CRITIC Brilliant. Note the stark nature of the light filtering through that prisoner's pubic hair. It's absolutely revelatory. Pornography will never be the same after this. Bravo! HAYSEED You sure are purty. [ CUT back to PRISON YARD. Orgy is finished, and about fifty naked bodies are piled up in the middle of the yard, smoking cigarettes. ] TAMARA [ Eyes semi-closed ] Excellent. [ A gasp arises from the naked pile of bodies. ] PRISONER #1 It's the warden! [ Cries from the other inmates as they gather up their clothes and hastily dress. All line up, except for TAMARA. WARDEN ZIXIA enters the yard, a severe authoritarian figure in shades, carrying a nightstick. He slowly walks up the line of inmates, checking uniforms. He points out a shirt improperly tucked in, a collar incorrectly straightened. The inmates hurry to fix their errors. WARDEN reaches end of line, finds TAMARA sitting defiantly and smoking a cigarette, also defiantly. ] WARDEN ZIXIA So, Prisoner 86645-69. Do you not fear the authority of my nightstick? TAMARA No. I fear nothing. And of the nothing I fear, the nothing I fear the least of all is you. Ptui! [ TAMARA spits into dirt. One of her BITCHES breaks rank, runs up, wipes dirt clean, runs back to line. ] WARDEN ZIXIA A feisty one, eh? We'll soon break your spirit. [ WARDEN unbuckles his belt. Pants drop to floor. One of the BITCHES breaks rank, runs up, tries to pull his pants up. ] WARDEN ZIXIA What are you doing? PRISONER #1 Your pants... they fell down. WARDEN ZIXIA I *know* they fell down. This is a prison movie. I'm the warden about to dispense my own brand of justice on this fiery hellcat. What's supposed to happen next? PRISONER #1 Ummm... WARDEN ZIXIA Oh for crying out loud. Prisoners, you all know what's next, don't you? [ PRISONERS nod assent. A low singing starts from one end of the line, increasing in volume as more prisoners join in. ] PRISONERS WOKKA-chikka WOKKA-chikka WOKKA-chikka BOW WOW. WARDEN ZIXIA That's right. Keep it up girls, we've got a money shot coming up. And you [ points to PRISONER #1 ] get back in line. [ PRISONER #1 shuffles back to line, mumbling "WOKKA-chikka WOKKA-chikka" ] WARDEN ZIXIA And now, Tamara... where were we? Ah yes, I was about to teach you about the nightstick. When I'm done with you, you'll have some respect for its power, oh yes. They don't call me "The Warden" for nothing, you know. Get ready for the Warden, bay- bee... I'm going to show you how we do things here in lockup. When I'm done with you, you'll be begging for my justice. TAMARA This is about sex, isn't it? [ WARDEN ZIXIA and TAMARA proceed to rip each other's clothing off, and have mind-numbing marathon sex in the middle of the yard. ] PRISONERS WOKKA-chikka WOKKA-chikka YIPPEE-KAY-YAY! [ CUT to MOVIE AUDIENCE ] FILM CRITIC Did you notice that whole money shot was one continuous edit? I can't believe this director. Look, my hands! They're shaking, I'm in such awe! Such unfettered spirit! HAYSEED You talk purty. [ CUT to PRISON YARD. TAMARA and WARDEN are naked, sharing a cigarette. ] WARDEN ZIXIA You see, I have shown you the power of the nightstick. TAMARA Will you quit it with your penis euphemisms? God, you drive me nuts sometimes. WARDEN ZIXIA Ah, does the prisoner require another lesson in the power of... the nightstick? TAMARA It's a penis, Paul. PE-NIS. Say it. Say "penis". WARDEN ZIXIA Oooh, the little hellcat wishes to... TAMARA SHUT UP! Just say it. Go on, say "penis". WARDEN ZIXIA I don't want to. TAMARA Say it! WARDEN ZIXIA No! Stop it, you're embarassing me in front of the other prisoners! TAMARA Go on, say it! Say it... for me? [ She bats her eyes seductively. WARDEN is still unconvinced. ] TAMARA Say it: "pe-"... WARDEN Pe- TAMARA "-nis." WARDEN nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnightstick. TAMARA God, you're such a weenie. [ GAMERA appears flying overhead. Everyone looks up in slightly different directions as a CGI GAMERA swoops down. BITCHES collapse to floor, as GAMERA appears to fly right through them.] ALL Aaaaaaah! GAMERA! [ CUT to MOVIE AUDIENCE. ] FILM CRITIC Good lord! What incredible special effects! And the appearance of Gamera... so unexpected at this point of the film. I mean, you hear of deus ex machina in stories, but you never expect to see one, and then... BAM! HAYSEED Uh huh. FILM CRITIC You realize what he's done, don't you? With this computer- animated version of the classic Godzilla monster? HAYSEED Ayup. FILM CRITIC That's right... he's upgraded to a digital Gamera. HAYSEED You have purty hair. [ tentatively reaches out hand to touch it. ] [ CUT to PRISON YARD. GAMERA is swooping down onto PRISONERS, as WARDEN ZIXIA and TAMARA cower in corner, terrified. ] TAMARA Oh Warden, what are we to do? WARDEN ZIXIA [ lips not fully synced to dialogue ] We must somehow destroy this Gamera creature! TAMARA But how? WARDEN ZIXIA Oh! I do not know! TAMARA [ lips slowly falling out of sync ] What is Gamera's greatest weakness? We must use this against Gamera to destroy him! Yes! WARDEN ZIXIA Gamera's greatest weakness! But what could that be? [ Gamera swoops down and eats several PRISONERS. ] TAMARA I know what it is! Gamera's greatest weakness is... [ As Gamera circles to swoop again, suddenly he is crushed by GIANT DISPOSABLE NAPKIN. ] TAMARA Yeah, that's pretty much it. [ CUT to MOVIE AUDIENCE. FILM CRITIC is standing on her seat, fists pumping in the air. ] FILM CRITIC Yes! The Giant Disposable Napkin! By reverting to his old symbology, first represented in "The Play, Part The First", David is saying that while he has "sold out" stylistically to make big blockbuster porn movies, he is at the same time subverting the genre from within and sending a big giant "fuck you" to Hollywood and its spirit crushing bureaucrats! Magnificent! HAYSEED [ touching FILM CRITIC's leg ] So... purty. FILM CRITIC [ sitting ] God, the Giant Disposable Napkin! It resonates to the bottom of your soul. Oh, what a touch, what a touch. I must have this director's children. I simply must! HAYSEED Uh huh... bottom. [ CUT to PRISON YARD. GAMERA is dead. The PRISONERS, TAMARA and WARDEN ZIXIA break into song as camera pans up and out towards setting sun on horizon. ] ALL In every life There is a moment Where everything is within reach Don't let go Of just that moment My God, your ass looks like a peach. MMMMMMFFFF! [ ALL kiss, ripping each other's clothing off. Nudity abounds. CUT to MOVIE AUDIENCE, where HAYSEED is humping FILM CRITIC's leg. ] [ SFX: WOKKA-CHIKKA WOKKA-CHIKKA WOKKA-CHIKKA BOW ] THE ENB! [ ROLL CREDITS. All of the cast and crew have requested that their names be replaced with "Alan Smithee". ] This special movie presentation has been brought to you by the Ford Explorer. [ CUT to mountain. FORD EXPLORER driving through the winding, twisting road. Suddenly it encounters a chipmunk in the middle of the road, swerves to avoid it, flips over, and explodes in giant ball of flame. Small children on fire run from the wreckage. All four tires on EXPLORER explode simultaneously, hurling burning rubber in all directions. British schoolboy turns to camera. ] SCHOOLBOY [ whisper ] Boom boom! [ CUT to FORD logo. FADE TO BLACK. ] - david pacheco Hey, you asked.