Date: Thu, 2 Jun 2005 08:52:32 -0400 Subject: [ark] Re: STORY (new for June 2005): Spot's Indifferent Assertion Status: RO In alt.religion.kibology, kibo@world.std.com wrote: Spot's Indifferent Assertion Copyright (c) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry "I don't really care that 'indifferent' may or may not be spelled correctly in the title of this story," said Spot languidly. "I figure it's probably one or the other but I really don't care 'cause it's just a stupid word." Then he fell asleep on top of the nuclear bomb he was supposed to be guarding, and in the morning, it woke him up by vaporizing him and most of the surrounding city. "Waah! I've been vaporized!" whined a tiny wisp of vapor. But nobody heard him because they were all busy being dead. So the wisp of vapor drifted over the border into Canada, which had an anti-nuclear-weapon defense program which stopped all radiation at the border. Vapor Spot floated to Toronto and swirled around inside the Bata Shoe Museum. "I thought the Shoe Museum was going to have interesting stuff, but it turns out it's just shoes!" said Spot, before getting absorbed by the Odor-Eaters in Elton John's "Pinball Wizard" boots. Spot cried! It was his shortest adventure ever. THE END! "Hey, I just heard something end!" Einstein dropped his Sunday newspaper comics section and put on his best rumpled hat. "Now's my time to shine!" Einstein Shows Up Unexpectedly Copyright (c) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry "Whee!" screamed Einstein as he slid down his Einstein-pole and hopped into his Einstein-mobile to race to where the narrator was still describing what was happening to Spot even though Spot had ceased to exist. Unfortunately, Einstein didn't get very far because he forgot the Einstein-mobile was just a cardboard box where "SALTINE CRACKERS" was crossed out and "NOT SALTINE CRACKERS" was scrawled on it in crayon. And then each of the "E"s had been crossed out and replaced with "mc^2". Einstein sat in his cardboard box, sweating with the exertion of trying to make it go. His sweat seeped into the cardboard box until it collapsed and he fell out. "Ow, I hit my head where my face doesn't cover! I better find another way of getting to where everyone can hear what I'm doing! I know, I'll put on those super-tall Elton John boots so I can take six-foot strides!" He reached up towards the Spot story but his arm accidentally brushed against "THE END!", killing him instantly. THE END! When Batman showed up to investigate the sudden death of Einstein (as detected on his Bat-Einstein-Death-Detector), he picked up the newspaper Einstein had dropped. Because it was the current edition, it now said that Einstein had died, and also that this story was now titled Batman's Montezuma's Revenge Copyright (c) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry "Uh oh!" gasped Batman. "It seems I'm going to have a bad case of Montezuma's Revenge! This must be the work of my old arch-enemy, The Diarrheonator!" He quickly began to wrap his abdomen in Bat-Aluminum Foil to keep out any anti- continence rays. Meanwhile, his sidekick Robin finished licking the crime scene for fingerprints. "Einstein's house tastes gross!" said Robin while making a face Batman didn't like to see him making, so Batman put up the Bat-Folding-Robin-Blocker to hide Robin's sour puss. But this meant he couldn't see the nuclear shock wave from Spot's death approaching them and was not able to yell "HOLY HYDROGEN! A DEADLY BLAST IS APPROACHING US! QUICK, BATMAN, DUCK BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S MOVING AT ALMOST THE SPEED OF LIGHT!" Batman was blasted off the face of the Earth, but the Bat-Folding-Robin-Blocker saved Robin's life. Robin looked around. Everything had been destroyed. Except for the Batmobile. The nuclear blast had just changed it from a really cool Batmobile into a cardboard box with "MONUMENT TO EINSTEIN'S GREATEST AUTOMOTIVE INVENTION" written on it in crayon. Robin didn't like this at all! He reached into his utility belt to see if he could find a "THE END!" pill to stop the story here. Unfortunately, the night before, Batman had filled Robin's utility belt with warm sour cream. Robin's hand was all goopy! "Well," said Robin, "At least I won't starve to death." He licked his fingers and then immediately died of Batman's Montezuma's Revenge. THE END! -- K. NOW GET OFFA MY LAWN!