Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2005 01:26:06 -0500
Subject: [ark] Re: STORY (new): "Spot's Edible Underwear"
Status: RO

In alt.religion.kibology, kibo@world.std.com wrote:

Hey!  Story!  Come read!


                  SPOT'S EDIBLE UNDERWEAR
                   by James "Kibo" Parry
           Copyright (C) 2005 James "Kibo" Parry


Spot and Einstein were looking at a big thing.

Einstein pointed to where various colors of sticky bikini briefs
were trundling along a conveyor belt.  "My greatest invention. 
It's a perpetual-motion machine which constantly invents new
flavors of edible underwear."

"KIWI!" yelled the machine.  "PERSIMMON NOUGATINE!"

"Wow!" gasped Spot.  "Can't it make anything other than edible
underwear?"

Einstein smiled and flipped a small switch from "MAKE EDIBLE
UNDERWEAR" to "MAKE SOMETHING OTHER THAN EDIBLE UNDERWEAR".

The machine thought a moment.  "EDIBLE COLOSTOMY BAGS!"  Then it
exploded.

"Ow!" yelled Spot, "Your stupid machine exploded in my eye and
got shards of nougatine all up and down my viscera!"  But Spot
was just a puppy, and puppies are very resilient.  He stopped
bleeding and trotted out of the building, happy that the trauma
had already made him forget everything he knew about edible
underpants.

He immediately chanced upon a discreet shop.  Its flashing neon
sign said:

AMERICAN EDIBLE UNDERWEAR BUFFET

"Wow!" wowed Spot, "Edible underwear!  I never thought of that!" 
He went inside, but was puzzled.  "All I see are BVDs and Hanes
and Calvin Klein and Fruit Of The Bleeping Loom!  None of those
are edible underwear!"

The maitre d' explained that, technically, all underwear was
edible given sufficient motivation, then rabbit-punched Spot's
face several times.

"Waah!  Stop hitting me!  I'm never going to eat any underwear! 
Munch, munch.  Okay, all gone!  How much do I owe you for the two
pairs I ate?"

Spot paid his fifty-eight dollar bill (not counting the 15% tip
to the underwear waiter) and fled the weird buffet which had
underwear and even waiters.

On the sidewalk, Spot realized something.  "Wait!  There's no
such thing as a fifty-eight dollar bill!  It would have to have
a picture of a President so obscure that the author of this
story couldn't even make his name up if he wanted to!"  This
startling concept halted Spot's brain in its tracks (while it
was still inside his head) and he again forgot that he knew all
about edible underwear, or that he had eaten the only other
kind of underwear.

Then Spot stepped in a puddle.  One of his paws was wet!  Spot
cried!  The tears ran down his face and dripped onto the
pavement, forming a second puddle, which he also stepped in,
causing him to both cry and scream like a little girl.  "EWW!
ICK! MOMMY, I'M MOIST!"  But no help was forthcoming, not even
from one of the city's many Public Mommies.  (Most of them were
undercover cops, but they weren't interested in Spot because
Public Mommies are above the law, and dogs are beneath the law.)

Spot tried to dry off his damp feet by sticking them into a
square of wet cement where the sidewalk was being extended.  He
sank in with a "blorp", because the sidewalk was eight feet thick
here!  Spot barely managed to pull himself out before he could
drown in gray goo, but by then the cement clinging to his
midsection was hardening.  Spot was now wearing cement underwear!
"Waah!" squalled Spot, "I never wanted my underwear to be
permanent, inedible, and/or gray!"

This was terrible!  And so were the events described by this
story!  Spot decided to kill himself.  He ran home and threw
himself into the intake of Einstein's Perpetual Edible Underwear
machine.

Dog-flavored panties came out the other end.  Einstein sold them
all, except for the pair he wore on special occasions.

THE END.


                                                 -- K.

                                                    Spot seems to have an
                                                    awful lot of adventures
                                                    involving eating
                                                    inedible stuff.

                                                    That makes him stupid!