Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 21:03:00 -0400 Subject: [ark] Re: Storytime! In-Reply-To: In alt.religion.kibology, kibo@world.std.com wrote: Terri (Terri@micron.net) wrote: > For reasons I cannot care enough to tell you about I am desolate > this weekend. > Therefore I request stories for entertainment purposes. I don't care what > they're about so long as they're not maudlin nor mawkishly sentimental. > This is your chance to post that story you've been thinking about > for ages now but for one reason or another have held back. Fiction, > non-fiction, science fiction, whatever... > Begin---> SPOT DESTROYS THE CONCEPT OF MAWKISH SENTIMENTALITY by James "Kibo" Parry written just for Terri (NOBODY ELSE READ THIS) Copyright (c) 2006 James "Kibo" Parry, all rights reserved except Terri can read the hell out of this I don't even care how badly-centered these lines are "Zo you zee," said Einstein, "that by firing this laser directly at this piece of Styrofoam, the laser can actually burn a tiny hole in it." "Gosh!" cried Spot, who had never before seen something able to penetrate Styrofoam. "Does this have any practical applications?" "Well, no, except that you could fire the laser at a unicorn statuette carved from dilithium to create a very special explosion that would destroy mawkish sentimentality forever." Spot did that. "Hey!" yelled Einstein. "'You could' is just an expression, not a suggestion!" He looked around at the burning debris where his Periodic Table Of Unicorn Statuettes used to be. Now he would never win the Nobel Prize For Having Every Type Of Unicorn Statuette! He felt so bad about it that he would have cried if he could, but he could no longer be sad because there was no longer any such thing as mawkish sentimentality. Spot and Einstein looked out the window at the lawn. A flock of mawks had been pecking at the grass, but now they had turned into some sort of robot mawk that couldn't be sentimental. The mawks were now busying themselves ignoring the homeless. Spot would have felt sorry for what he did if he could, but there was no longer any such thing as being really, really sorry, so instead he bought a T-shirt that said "YAY! NOW EVERYONE'S A SOCIOPATH AND I AM TOO!" Fortunately, Einstein knew a way to reverse the lack of sentimentality in the world. He merely had to cram eight thousand DVDs of "Grave Of The Fireflies" into the same DVD player, and then trick everyone in the world into watching that DVD player over and over for five years, and then the world would be properly sentimental again, and the mawks would go back to just eating worms instead of eating worms while ignoring the homeless. He added the necessary eight thousand copies of "Grave Of The Fireflies" to his NetFlix queue. In two days, he received sixteen thousand halves of DVDs of "Peter Graves in 'Firefly'" featuring a very old man in outer space. Einstein filled in a form on the Web site to indicate they had sent him the wrong disc eight thousand times, and that that disc had also been broken eight thousand times, and NetFlix tried to make things right by sending him sixty-four thousand tiny shards of "Gravy Of The Fleeflops", even though neither Einstein nor even NetFlix knew what a fleeflop was. Einstein was drowning in fragmentary fleeflops! "Help!" yelled Einstein as the mailman dumped another gigantic stack of fleeflop frags on him. They were pointy, and not what he ordered! Einstein was in agony! Spot, meanwhile, was ignoring Einstein's cries for help, as he was busy setting up the world's largest domino chain reaction. But the North Koreans had secretly tunneled underneath Spot's domino matrix and set off an underground nuclear test. It made some of the dominoes wobble slightly and one of them almost fell over. "Whew!" said Spot, "if that domino had fallen over, I would have felt sad if I could have felt sad if that domino had fallen over which it wouldn't have because if I could still feel sad I'd be crying over Einstein getting NetFlix fragments in his eye instead of wasting my time with pointless domino activities!" Then he finished setting up all the dominoes and he knocked them over. THE END. -- K. You did say it didn't have to be a very good story, right?