Date: Fri, 19 May 2000 00:01:52 -0400 Subject: Re: You Usaian's Chinese-Canadian Fisher-Price merchandising scares me Status: R In alt.religion.kibology, stefan.kapus@zetnet.co.uk wrote: Tell CBS to keep "Rescue Heroes" away from me, I can feel its wholesome moral fibre strengthening about my throat. PLEASE PRODUCE CARTOON SERIES' STARRING THE VILLAGE PEOPLE AS A SUBSTANTIALLY LESS TERRIFYING AND DANGEROUS ALTERNATIVE WITH THE SAME OBVIOUS SUBTEXT. -- Kapusniak, Stefan e Date: Tue, 28 Aug 2001 03:53:33 -0400 Subject: Re: Rescue Heroes Status: R In alt.religion.kibology, Kibo wrote: Jeremy Impson (jdimpson@tasslehoff.nwc.syr.edu) wrote: > > I'm watching saturday morning TEE VEE. The show on now is called Resuce > Heroes. The protagonists have names: > > Wendy Waters: Firefighter > Ariel Flyer: Pilot > Jack Hammer: Construction Worker (?) > Jake Justice: Cop > Rocky Canyon: Some Guy with Ropes I have enjoyed laughing at the toys this show is based on for years. They're SO DEFORMED even I think they're hideous! > They also seem to have reservists that they call in as needed, with names > like Hal E. Copter (with a helicopter backpack) and Buddy Barker (dog > handler) Don't forget the space monkey who travels with Roger Houston, or the dolphin in a wetsuit just like the one from NBC's "seaQuest DSV" who hangs out with a weirdly-grinning diver named "Gil Gripper". Because the show advertises a line of toys that Fisher-Price has been selling for years, there are about two dozen of these "people" and their super-intelligent pets. > Today's mission is to put out a field fire set in Africa by poachers. > > Some guy on an ATV just rerouted an elephant stampede from running off a > cliff. > > Aww. The poachers were forced recusitate a lion cub. Now they're > reformed! > > They all wear GIANT moon boots. And they never, ever take off their giant galoshes or rubber firecoats, ever, all the while manly bonding with their teenage apprentices over their bushy mustaches in a very "Tom Of Finland For Kids" way. I've been wanting to write a parody of the show, titled something like "Gay Firefighter House", for a while, but I couldn't think of a way to make the parody gayer than the real show, even though I was going to name the Head Fireman "Jock Spurt". Also I don't know enough about gay stuff to be able to write authoritatively on the subject of what gay guys do with giant fireboots, except I know that giant fire boots are gaaaaaaay. There are lots of shots of these people from the knees down, or from below so that their giant fire boots and frogman flippers and space boots fill the frame. The show has a serious boot fetish, like "Rebel Assault II" only without Mike Myers. Also for some reason their scuba masks fit over the outside of their helmets for double breath control underwater bondage scenes. I like how every disaster in the world is beyond the resources of the local authorities and so when a cat gets stuck in a tree they have to call in this international squad of two firefighters, a scuba diver, an astronaut, a biker cop, and various animals to rescue the cat before the volcano erupts knocking the satellite out of orbit into the dolphin pool where they need to part the spacefiretruckboat. Of the two episodes I've seen all the way through, my favorite is the one where a submarine has sunk and the crew forgets there's an escape hatch at the rear so the Rescue Heroes have to dive down to tell the Navy guys to go out the escape hatch instead of the regular hatch which got mangled, and luckily the capsized submarine landed on the ocean bottom right-side-up, but then it started to roll over, so the frogman dude pressed up against the side of it and started kicking his giant feet frantically to hold it up, but it was falling on him because even the people drawing the cartoon understood that this guy was A TOTAL FREAKIN' MORON, but he didn't get crushed because the dolphin pulled him out of the way. Also the space station was involved somehow. I recall they couldn't find the sub until the space monkey fixed the Global Positioning System's only satellite, or something. Their base of operations is a space station named "The Hexagon" because it is a hexagon and whenever they show it it says "The Hexagon" beneath the hexagon and that makes it One Better Than The Pentagon. Oh, and the token female frogman got her dainty little Size 74 flipper caught in something with her life in imminent danger and it took her a long time to figure out that she could just take the flipper off. This is the only moment anyone on the show has been allowed to take off a shoe or boot or flipper, ever, but this is probably because she was just one of the women and not one of the butch big boot guys. They wear XXXXXXXXL XYYYYYYY boots. The other episode I saw was one where these two rad teens disobeyed the instructions of the Junior Rescue Hero Teenage Bootboy Wearing A Helmet Shaped Just Like Twiki's and went snowboarding in the avalanche zone and taught us that when you are buried in snow you won't know which way is up unless you spit and see which part of your face the spit drips on. Yes, the focus of the episode was teens spitting on themselves. But fortunately two of the Rescue Heroes and their dog parachuted and snowboarded to save the kids before the mountain exploded in an orgy of avanchistic deluge, or whatever. My attention kind of wandered after the exciting spit sequence. That sort of thing just can't be parodied, unless I wrote something about non-deformed people who never did anything ridiculous and were all happily married and never wore shoes and hated monkeys. -- K. In other news, I just got E-mail from Tucker Smallwood, star of "Jabberwocky"! He answers his fan mail personally, even when people like me ask him about Dirty Frank.