Date: Sun, 21 Mar 2004 15:26:03 -0500 Subject: [ark] Re: The Peversion Gap (was: A Poll from Paula) Status: RO In alt.religion.kibology, isurieta@yclept.clara.co.uk (Kapusniak, Stefan e) wrote: On 2004-03-18, James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > -- K. > > I wish my real life were > a tenth as perverted as > my imaginary life... > > ...instead of 90% as perverted. CUT TO: The War Room. A large darkened room with a round conference table, seating the Imperial staff, lit brightly from above. Very much the classic in War Room style. 'Gentlemen, Ladies. We have a problem.' 'Confidential intercepts obtained from sources I am not a liberty to reveal, but whom the intelligence staff has given a reliability rating of A+ULTRA1, indicate that the enemy has achieved a major research breakthrough in the field of the perverted Sciences. Professor Leitmotif of the Imperial Institute of Moral Hygiene Prevention will now brief us on the implications of this intelligence. Professor?' CUT TO: Professor Leitmotif at lecturn, he adjusts he spectacles then fixes his audience with a penetrating gaze. 'Thank you Madam Grand Admiral.' 'The current state of the art in the perverted Sciences, at least the state of the art up until the breakthrough by the researchers of the Kibological quasi-Anarchic Collective, was an RL/I ratio of 0.1. In laymans terms the maximum actual perversion that could be generated from a given quantity of imaginary perversion was a mere ten percent. The Collectivists have now greatly increased this conversion ratio.' REACTION SHOT: The assembled dignitaries look grim 'Note that this figure of ten percent relates only to peak perversion, and can only be achieved during short bursts on the order of a hundred milliseconds or so. Actual sustained conversion ratios for combat useful periods of time reach only 0.052 (5%) under laboratory conditions and average an even lower 0.042 (4%) in field environments. Civilian conversion ratios average 0.023 for we in the Empire, but on average slightly exceed 0.033 for the Collectivists.' 'This Civilian perversion gap was of course why the Institute of Moral Hygience Prevention was founded by my predecessor prior to her unfortunate capture by the Collectivists. However our military perversion has always kept pace with, and at times even exceeded, anything the enemy armed forces can do.' 'Until now.' REACTION SHOT: The assembled dignitaries look even grimmer 'Through a process we unfortunately do not have full details of, but which seems to involve both an advanced and novel method of neo-Riechian Orgone amplification and a completely new technique the Collectivists have dubbed 'Mnemonic Enhanced Neurally Topologic Omniconscious Sexuality' or 'MENTOS', sustained conversion ratios among retrained fighting units are now exceeding, I repeat, *exceeding* 0.9. A full ninety percent actual perversion for any given quanity of imaginary perversion' SOUND: Gasps from assembled dignitatries 'Even worse our intelligence people are certain, as am I, that this conversion ratio has been achieved actual during field trials of the process rather than under lab conditions. Fortunately for us these retrained units have not yet reached the front, but...' CUT TO: A shocked Commodore Oblate Spheroid interrupts 'Professor, surely that's not possible! 90% burst perversion in the laboratory would be terrifying enough. But greater than ninety *sustained* during actual field trials? We've never gotten more than 4.8% under those conditions! I can't even concieve of what 90% actual perversion would look like. Are we certain of our data?' CUT TO: Professor Leitmotif at lecturn, looking a little wry 'It scarely seems credible does it? But yes we are certain. Indeed as to the question of what such a level of peversion would looks like we have direct evidence for that. The Grand Admiral's sources have managed, at great risk, to smuggle out a tape of an actual field trial observed by the Supreme Kibo himself. Igor, roll the tape!' CUT TO: Stock footage of visual countdown from 9 to 1, then: CUT AWAY TO: Medium wide shot of the assembled company around the conference table, as they gaze in numbed shock at the unseen images, or faint, or burst into tears, or engage in hysterical laughter, tearing their clothes and hair, and have to be dragged away. Whilst: SOUND FX and MUSIC: 'Hail to the Chief' played on Kazoo and swany whistle. Explosions. Heavy Breathing. Coital gasping Male, Female and Other. Barnyard noises. Drilling. Screams. EVIL LAUGHTER. Chanting in Latin. Gunfire. Squelching noisies. Running water. Yodelling. Cocks crowing. Gongs. Vomiting. 'Happy Birthday' played backwards at half speed. Sounds of people being resurrected from the dead by escaped from MMORPG Clerics. Randomise. Repeat. AFTER A SUITABLE PERIOD OF CHAOS: CUT TO: The Madam Grand Admiral, over the sounds from the tape. 'I think that's enough to for us to get the idea. Thank you Professor.' SOUND FX and MUSIC: Wackiness ceasing. Tape machine comes to a halt. 'Now that we're all fully up to speed, I need suggestions for sustaining our current perversion output, in the face of this menance, people. We do not currently have enough detailed information to replicate the Colletivist's breakthrough ourselves at the current time.' 'How long were you estimating it would take us to reproduce the process, Professor?' CUT TO: Professor Leitmotif, now seated at the conference table. 'Six months to three years, Madam Grand Admiral. Towards the lower end of that if we can obtain captured equipment and further intelligence. Towards the upper end if we have to develop the techniques entirely from scratch.' CUT TO: The Madam Grand Admiral, extremely serious. 'So, a massive perversion gap for the foreseeable future. I'm asking for ideas here...' '...General Interossiter?' CUT TO: A pensive General Interossitor 'Ummm...I don't suppose we could raise hemlines could we?' -- Kapusniak, Stefan e