>From iayork@panix.com Sat Jul 12 17:03:16 1997 Date: 6 Jul 1997 16:42:36 -0400 From: "Ian A. York" Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Twenty-one years from now COMMENTATOR: Neptune. For generations it has fascinated Man. What dwells on this icy world? What winds whistle across this desolate surface? And can you get a decent bottle of Orbitz? Today, these questions will be answered. For today, a terrestial vehicle will set foot on Neptune. And here on station KIBO, we'll give you ... the whole story. Let's go to the monitors now ... PATHFINDER II: ***fiitttzz crackle hisssss ******* COMMENTATOR: And there we're receiving signals from Pathfinder II ... a little degradation in the signal ... apparently the plucky little robot has been degraded, and likes it ... well, while we restore the signal by means of an n-dimensional complexity loop, let's turn to Doctor Matt McIrvin, who will explain the mission for you. [Cut to MATT. He is wearing extra-thick magnifying-type glasses so that we can see all the capillaries in his eyeballs. When he moves his head the light glinting off his glasses momentarily blinds the camera. He has an earplug in one ear, with wires ostentatiously leading away from it.] MATT: Vell, ze mission ist der most ex .... ZITING mission ve haf effer zeen. As you can zee, it has quite offer velmed me so zat I must talk in zis silly accent ... oooohh .... een fect I amm zo ofer vhelmed zat efen I do not know vat I em sayink ... bork bork bork ... zer engeens are made of ze mozt dur hab bull zubztanze ... [RONE enters the view. He slaps Matt briskly across the face.] MATT: Oh! Oooh ... thanks, I needed that. Right. Well, the mission is proceeding well according to plan. The engines are made of the most durable substance known to man, to wit, Twinkies ... [RONE hits him again across the face, then again and again. Matt reels off his chair and collapses. Rone puts the boots to him and purely kicks the crap out of Matt.] COMMENTATOR: Thank you, Matt McIrvin. And with the aid of our n-dimencional complexity loop, we've enhanced the signal from Pathfinder II. Here's the computer-enhanced version of that message we saw earlier: PATHFINDER II (enunciating very carefully; BBC accent): Fitz, crackle, hiss. COMMENTATOR: Now I understand that the robot is about to land on Neptune itself, and to observe that let's go to the mission control operator headquarters in Kibo's spare bedroom. [Cut to Mission Control. This consists of all the kibologists, sitting on cheap-looking bleacher seats.] COMMENTATOR (voiceover): As Pathfinder II plunges toward Neptune's surface at 80 billion kabillion schmabillion miles per hour, we learn that Sam, who has been dating Matt, has now regained her memory and realizes that she is actually Ralph, who was believed to have a mysterious but photogenic disease before marrying Ellen, who was actually Jaffo's brother-in-law by a previous marriage to Matt ... and now Pathfinder II is actually landing on Neptune ... MISSION CONTROL (in unison, heads moving up and down together): BOINGGG .... BOINGGGG .... BOINNGGGG .... [CUT to Matt, who is looking pretty dishevelled and no longer wearing his glasses.] MATT: Yes, and that was very interesting, because in fact Pathfinder II was not *supposed* to bounce ... of course neither was Pathfinder I ... good story they came up with, eh? ... covered up the Martian ... [CARL SAGAN enters the shot, slaps Matt around, puts the boots to him, kicks the crap out of Matt.] COMMENTATOR: Now Pathfinder II has actually landed on Neptune ... and first it's going to launch a surveillance camera .. this drone unit, made at a cost of eighty kabillion gabillion schmabillion dollars by E Teflon Piano Silica Gel, Barratry, and Camera Production Works, will elevate to a height of one thousand feet and give us some aerial photography. [Cut to monitor. Hiss and static. Through the static we can barely make out a voice saying "PULL!". Monitor shows a brief flash of Neptunian terrain, then there is a loud "BLAM!" and the remote camera disintegrates.] COMMENTATOR: Err ... the aerial camera seems to have undergone some slight damage ... possibly due to the electromagnetic induction forces while traversing Neptune's van der Keppler belt ... or perhaps termites .... but no matter, let's go instead to the 360-degree traversing camera mounted on the robot. [Monitor. A Neptunian landscape appears, staticky and fuzzy but still easily discernable. Slowly and jerkily the view revolves 360 degrees. As it does so we see the following come into view in turn: an empty beer can, a fifteen-mile-high statue of Kibo, Tom Richardson (who is holding a sign saying "DON'T TELL MY WIFE"), the Partridge Family, some rocks, the Loch Ness Monster, a black monolith, and then back to the original Neptunian landscape.] COMMENTATOR: Hmmm ... very interesting ... let's see if we can get that back into focus ... yes ... [Monitor moves jerkily backwards, past the monolith and the Loch Ness Monster, to focus on the rocks. They are just rocks.] COMMENTATOR: Matt, could you say a few words about these extremely interesting rocks? [Cut to MATT again. He is bruised, bleeding, left arm in a sling. Part of his ear is bitten off.] MATT: Yes, very interesting ... clearly showing the influence of the long-postulated Frabitzian rays, which Neptune's strong gamma-force radiation coupled with the cometary debris ... err ... [Matt fliches violently as MICHAEL STRAIGHT enters. Michael looks quizzically at Matt, fixes a wire at the side of the scene, walks out again.] MATT: ... err ... and the cometary debris altering the mognetic poles ... [KIBOLUV has walked in behind Matt without him noticing. She slaps Matt, puts the boots to him, kicks the crap out of him.] COMMENTATOR: Thank you again, Doctor McIrvin. Just an update from the Jupiter Expedition ... I'm told that the Jupiter capsule has successfully entered Jovian atmosphere ... an interesting side note, apparently the rocket exhaust has disrupted the Great Red Spot, a feature of Jupiter for centuries ... MISSION CONTROL (in unison): POOR SPOT! -- Ian York (iayork@panix.com) "-but as he was a York, I am rather inclined to suppose him a very respectable Man." -Jane Austen, The History of England --- "Also, Carl Sagan's estate sued NASA to take his name off the pile of deflated airbags." -- Kibo