Date: Tue, 23 Mar 1999 04:16:03 -0500 Subject: Re: I'll never get it, NEVER! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Status: R In , David Pacheco writes: In article , teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu says... > david_pacheco@lineone.net (David Pacheco) writes: > > In article , fbenv@iol.it says... > > > Except for when you complain about how much funnier everything was in > > the old days (I thought that was rone's schtick?) and when you complain > > that your posts containing lyrics are so obscure that none of the > > newbies are going to get the references, and when you claim that no > > newbie could ever be as funny as > here>. But I'm looking forward to your 600-page Dario Fo dissertation, > > if you'll stop throwing anarchists out of windows. Or the story about > > the trip to meet the Kibologists that you've been promising. > > And David would know exactly how funny ARK was in the olde days > b/c he READS OLD ARK POSTS! FROM BEFORE HE STARTED POSTING HIMSELF! As fB would tell you, that was back in 1993. I'm the world's oldest newbie. Of course I read old ARK posts! As a student of PaleoKibology, it's my job. And if I can isolate the DNA strands of extinct memes and work out their genetic sequences, I can create genetically engineered meme DNA and implant it into the nucleus of a closely-related meme egg to hatch a creature that will take the extinct meme's place in the newsgroup ecosystem and effectively make this group as funny as it was before all the old Kibologists died of obsessive-compulsive crankiness. > DAVID PACHEBO IS MINING THE PAST FOR HUMOR! I'M HUMOURING THE PAST FOR MIMES! Whilst searching through the strata of Kibology, it's amazing to see the geological events that at several points threatened to wipe out the entire population. Yet still the hardy Kibologist continued breeding, each generation diluting the genetic code a little bit more by cross- posting and introducing non-ARK DNA, becoming less and less funny over millions of years. And then Usenet was hit by a giant meteor in alt.gulf.mexico, killing off all of the remaining members of the species; except for Kibo, the only remaining carrier of pure Kibological genetic code, who continued breeding by mitosis in spite of Andrea Chen's best efforts to cross-breed him with several other, less genetically pure newsgroups. Several years ago, Kibo accidentally left a spoon covered with his saliva at the local Vietnamese restaurant, next to the exposed brain of the howler monkey on which he had been feeding. The spoon was picked up by senior members of the PaleoKibology team, most of the monkey DNA was removed, and the remaining genetic information was subsequently used to clone several more Kibo's in laboratory conditions. None of them have yet been able to survive in the real world outside the lab for any significant period of time, but the last example remained alive for almost 48 hours, barely long enough to get its first world.std.com account and log in before exploding in a burst of flame, gristle and meat that killed two PaleoKibologists and severely injured a third. The experimentation goes on, and we believe that the latest LabKibo (Specimen #93) has great potential. Already it has logged over seven thousand hours of Space:1999 and Blakes7 reruns without self-induced haemorrhages, and it has made a sound not unlike a human chuckle when exposed to various old posts by, coincidentally, some of the Older Kibologists you mention below. Someday, someday soon now, Usenet will test the theory of whether an infinite number of Kibo's at an infinite number of keyboards could post an infinite amount of followups to an infinite amount of nonsense. We may need to capture and selectively breed Archimedes Plutonium in order to recreate the nurturing environment in which these LabKibo's hone their skills, and so far in this plan we have met no resistance from animal rights organizations. So we'll capture one, apply mascara to his eyelids and kitchen cleaner directly onto his eyeballs, and peel his fur back to expose vital organs so we can plug chemicals directly into his system. And then after recess is over, we'll do some testing. Please send your donations to my email address, c/o "grep the world project." > > newbie could ever be as funny as > Bruce Ediger > Eli Balin > Gard Trask (sniff) > Michael Straight > 'Jesse Garon' > Tjames Madison > > Gard, in addition to pushing the envelope of ascii-mayhem, took > trolling to a new level: the initial troll is funny on its own *and* > it works. Hard to do both of those at the same time in the initial > troll. Normally people have an initial troll that's maximized for > getting fish, then the funny comes later. Not Gard. > > > Volume. Ay. Sometimes late at night, I hear the Traskmobile burning rubber down an ancient 'froup alleyway. I can almost smell the diesel as I run to the computer and log on, eyes blinking away the crust of sleep. But it's always a dream, always just a dream. Then I woke up screaming and my left arm was a giant almond croissant covered in cockroaches! > > > YOU ARE NOW MY > > > SECOND WORST ENEMY RIGHT AFTER TEG PIPES. > > > Did I just hear something? > > Hm. Must be line noise. No. It's the Traskmobile, engine cooling, slowly ticking over, the tires and grille encrusted with cheap BUAFs and enough ugly ASCII pictures to make a jaded Usenet whore's eyes bleed. -dp. Fils de poutine! she cries. For she is hungry, but she has no mouth.