Date: Tue, 1 Aug 2000 04:55:50 -0400
Subject: Re: I scream for ice cream!
Status: RO

In alt.religion.kibology, david_pacheco@lineone.net wrote:

jmatthew@hmph.uq.net.au said:
> slord@wpi.edu (Steve Lord) wrote:
> 
> >*Looks at his beard and moustache in the mirror* That's news to me.  When
> >did I change my name and gender, Ben?
> 
> At this point I'd like to ask why so many of the (male) people in 
> the ARK photo gallery etc. feature such prosperous facial hair.
> Is this an aesthetic thing, or can't you trust yourselves to hold
> sharp things to your throats?  

One of the most obvious ways to distinguish between a male 
Orthodox Kibologist and a Reform Kibologist is through the lack 
or presence of facial hair.

An Orthodox Kibologist takes a much more literal approach to 
reading the KiBible, treating it as a series of pronouncements 
and direct commands from Kibo Himself.  So in the following 
passage from McIrvin 3:14-21:

3:14  And LO! Did Kibo stand before the gathered crowds,
3:15  For 'twas unto HIM to deliver the goods and COMMAND what
      His followers must do
3:16  And He LAID them down in green pastures, and caused them to
      be brought UNTO the still waters.
3:17  After which His followers, wet AND hungry and covered in
      grass stains, didst BEG of Him that of which to EAT.
3:18  But Kibo had only FIVE loaves of bread and THREE loaves of
      fish, and the crowd WAS unto Him like a cheap suit.
3:19  And DIDST proclaim "Why hast Thou forsaken us, Lord Kibo? 
      Thou knowest that we ARE allergic to seafood."
3:20  And thus, Kibo was pantsed on the Mount of Galilee.
3:21  After which He did SAY: "Don't shave.  This I command of
      all my followers, forever and ever.  This is the only
      strict rule I have, that must never be broken.  I don't
      mean this as a parable or a metaphor.  Just don't shave,
      period."

Strictly Orthodox Kibologists take the preceding passage as an 
injunction against shaving, and thus let their facial hair grow 
from the time they are 18 and have received their Kibar Mitzvah.

Reform Kibologists, however, believe that the passage is a 
parable, or a metaphor, and interpret it in a variety of ways, 
depending on their specific sect.  Some Reform Coelacanthian 
Kibologists, for example, believe that Kibo here states that one 
must never shave one's fish on a mountain.

Orthodox Everything You Say We'll Do The Opposite Kibologists 
interpret the passage as an injunction against shaving too, so 
they shave their whole bodies every day.

The McIrvinite Orthodox Reform Kibologists let their facial hair 
grow, but shave a round area on their heads to symbolize the 
"Mount of Galilee" on which Kibo was pantsed.  They, like all 
Orthodox Kibologists, also abstain from pants.  You can see 
pictures of their bizarre "union" rituals at 

       http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/wedding.html 

(we have obscured their naked legs with pictures of cloth in 
order to not offend the Reform Kibologists With As Many Pants As 
You Can Wear Comfortably).

And now, a fun game!  See if YOU can identify, from the collected 
pictures of Kibologists, which sect each Kibologist belongs to!  
And remember, if you find the Secret Sect, you get FREE KOOL-AID!

-dp.
Amen.