Article 152389 of alt.religion.kibology: Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,misc.industry.pulp-and-paper From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Consumer Product Of The Decade: Wipe With This! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 9301 centons, 68 microns, .01 abians My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium and/or Mike Zeares Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1998 07:04:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor First there was one-ply toilet paper. ("Toilet tissue" is what doctors call it, "toilet paper" is what normal humans call it.) Colors. Then two-ply. Patterns of little flowers. Scented. Quilted. Then a brief experiment marketing three-ply. Then toilet paper with aloe. Then toilet paper with baking soda. A little white cloud goes up whenever you tear off a sheet. Last year, "Wet Or Dry" toilet paper that advertised it worked even when moistened, unlike that regular toilet paper that disintegrates instantly when wet, which is why it never ever clogs up the little pipes in Erma Bombeck's toilet. Anyway, now there's... A FRESH NEW WAY ORIGINAL MOISTMATES(tm) WITH DISPENSER MOIST BATH TISSUE ON A ROLL Yes, they've discovered that they can dunk rolls of toilet paper in the creek and then charge extra. I wonder if this innovation is a result of fire damage. The MoistMates dispenser hangs from the bottom of your existing roll of toilet paper, a blatant admission that nobody will rely on the stuff. Notice they say "ON A ROLL" not to imply that it comes with a sesame seed bun, but because people have already tried marketing pop-up baby wipes for grownups. Anyway, I tried Original MoistMates (With Aloe -- you knew it had to have placebaloe) because the supermarket under the skyscraper with no floors ending with "2" doesn't carry the other flavor. Yes, MoistMates also come in A SOOTHING MEDICATED FORMULA. Let's read the side of the box, shall we? > Who Uses MoistMates(tm)? > The whole family! Mom, Dad, Junior, Sis, even Spot! > People who want to feel cleaner, fresher, and more confident will be too embarassed to let the supermarket cashier see them buying corrective toilet paper. > will love MoistMates(tm). Feel the difference "Please don't squeeze the MoistMates! They squirt!" > as hypoallergenic what, no peanut butter? > MoistMates(tm) gently cleanses These several mates is cleansing me! Apparently aloe repels grammar. AVAST YE MOIST MATEYS!!! > more thoroughly than dry tissue alone. In fact, dry tissue does NOTHING by itself! You have to pull it off the roll and wipe! > You'll also see the difference on laundry day! At last, toilet paper that goes through the washing machine more than once! > And the MoistMates(tm) dispenser makes it convenient to use! Yes, toilet paper with a special dispenser that goes in its special place and takes special refills is so MUCH better than that other kind that doesn't have a molded plastic dispenser. > Also Available in a Soothing Medicated Formula My butt has a headache! I should point out that the box has lily pads all over it -- apparently frogs also use MoistMates. > Economical - Use Fewer Sheets - Dries in Seconds Makes a convenient cast for broken legs! Mummify your kid brother! Cover your neighbor's house in an unbreakable, flushable shell! The box assures me that MoistMates are "easy to use in any bathroom", so take some on the Amtrak train with you to make the bathroom bigger and not shake up and down violently. It also emphasizes that the dispenser is also portable (I hate that regular toilet paper where one end of the roll is permanently attached to the supermarket so you have to use it within half a mile) and has a patent pending. (Big deal. Archimedes Plutonium probably has the same patent pending.) MoistMates are a product of the NuWay corporation. (I think they mistyped an "o".) And it's made in... New York City? Well, I guess that's what we get for driving the thriving Manhattan picante salsa business out of town. The bottom of the carton says "PLEASE TELL US WHAT YOU THINK." in boldface on the part of the box you never see. Anyway, it says to call 1-888-NUWAY97 to tell them what you think, so please forward this article to their phone number. And now... on to the fine print. The ingredients. Yes, it's toilet paper with a list of ingredients. > Contents: 1 roll Gee, I thought there were going to be twelve in this little cube. > of 80 moistened sheets on their first day of issue (to increase their value to collectors) > of approx. 4 x 5 in. (10.16 cm x 12.7 cm) OH NO!!! THEY'RE THE WRONG SIZE FOR MY BUTT!!! I'm glad I checked the technical specifications before attempting to use this product. > in a MoistMates(tm) dispenser. OH NO!!! I THOUGHT THEY CAME IN A PEZ(R) DISPENSER!!! > Ingredients: 100% natural cellulose fiber, I hate that other brand that's made from bakelite instead of newsprint. > purified water, And I would be really upset if I got tap water on my butt. MoistMates: The toilet tissue for people who never bathe. > propylene glycol, Always put anti-freeze on your butt before visiting Alaska so and coming home with Polaroids. > polysorbate 20, to preserve yummy fresh flavor. > disodium cocoamphidiacetate, Know those fake novelty candies from Spencer Gifts that look like they're made of chocolate but are made of plastic? This chemical magically combines chocolate and plastic with a dash of real table salt to... um... gee, I don't know why your butt needs salted plastic candy. But I'm sure there is a sound medical reason. > diazolidinyl urea, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE. Okay, because I studied under Isaac Asimov (well, I read some of his books) I know what urea is. Urea's most common industrial applications is as a surfactant, or in plain English, a wetting agent. And guess where they get it from. Urea is all natural, but there are only two animals that produce it. And from its name you can guess from which part of the animal it issues forth. That's right, urea is the active ingredient in human urine -- and greyhound urine. It only comes from people and skinny dogs. So the question is, why am I putting pee on my butt, and is it people pee or dog pee, and which is worse? If they were smart they'd try the old advertising trick of "turn the perceived negative into a positive" (i.e. VW's "Think small." campaign) with a clever slogan like: MOISTMATES(tm). WHICH IS WORSE, HAVING POOP OR PEE ON YOUR BUTT? NO OTHER TISSUE IS PRE-PEED! Then there are more ingredients and the catchy slogan, > 0B301.1 (6625-BJW-II-166-E) ...which presumably means that someone named B.J.W. was assigned the thankless task for writing the fine print for a roll of pre-peed toilet paper. Note that the above code was typeset in ITC Garamond Light Condensed except for "301.1" which was in VGC Friz Quadrata. This change of fonts within one string of nonsense completely ruined all the appear MoistMates brand urine-in-a-box had for me. Plus they make your butt smell like it's wearing girly perfume. So let's file "MoistMates" under "Who Asked For This Product?" in an odorproof, leakproof vault and let us never think about toilet paper with urine in it ever again. -- K. Also any statements I just made about MoistMates(tm) containing pee are clearly not intended seriously even though the box clearly says "urea", because I'm 100% sue-proof, and because no jury in the world would buy this stuff.