Date: Sat, 24 Jul 99 01:44:18 -0400 Subject: Re: Conversation with a spider Status: R David Pacheco writeth: nickb@primenet.com says... > I wish a.r.k had command line switches. Yours doesn't? > man ark INETD(8) HAPPYNET System Manager's Manual INETD(8) NAME ark - causes host to go into paradoxical infinite binary error loop and display "ERROR - ERROR - DOES NOT COMPUTE" on stdout, then shoves beans into the user's ears. DO NOT SHOVE BEANS INTO USER'S EARS. SYNOPSIS ark [-domSsRHhKkcwYpfgxp] [--O!] [--iq min-iq] [--tb] [--nk] [--rl] [--xxx] [--rc] [-m [memefile] memenum] [-a [screen]] [-s [user]] [-W {yes, no}] [configuration file] DESCRIPTION Ark should be run at boot time by /etc/rc.beable (see rc(8)). It then listens for connections on certain internet sockets. When a connection is found on one of its sockets, it decides that it doesn't want to listen any more and starts singing "LALALALALALALA!!" until the computer is kicked. At that point the ark service is resumed and will accept a normal nntp connection from standard input *only*. No named file is accepted as a parameter, and the ark daemon verifies input from the keyboard to make sure that the user isn't cheating by using pipes, by clearing stdin with a pipe cleaner. It adds some random headers and bounces some consistency checks. The headers usually include a "Follow-up:" to misc.test and a randomly selected number of newsgroups to add to the "Newsgroups:" header from the alt.sex hierarchy. If the article does not meet the consistency checks (for example, too much worship-quoting of old, non-posting kibologists, low meme/line ratio, Lee S. Bumgarner) then the article is rejected and a copy is e-mailed to assassination-threat@whitehouse.gov and abuse@dominatrix.com If it passes the checks, ark sends the article to the local news server as specified in the inn.conf(5) file for distribution, and then explodes in a shower of blood and gristle. OPTIONS -d Turns off debugging, inserts random bugs into the code -o User "KWIM" --O! User *REALLY* "KWIM, AITTD" --iq min-iq Sets the user minimum IQ level. If user has IQ level below this value he/she is kicked in the groin upon attempting to read the message, and is then fed a pellet. Default is 200. -m If article is follow-up, mangle original user's posting name in a mocking fashion. -s insert host-generated spelling flame. -S If a file named .signature exists in the user's home directory, ark will overwrite it with garbage and try to append it to the end of the article. If the file cannot be read, or if it is too long (for example, more than four lines or one standard I/O buffer), or if some other problem occurs, then the article will be posted to alt.fan.warlord. To suppress this action, stand on the corner of 4th and Vineland and attempt to roll a joint with your buttcheeks. -R If the '-R' flag is used then ark will reject the principles contained in your article and automatically post a follow-up calling you a Fascist. -H The 'Hitler' flag, when used, disables followups to the user's post. The 'H' flag and the 'R' flag cancel each other out. -h Disable Hivemind version checking (may cause memebuffer overflow) -K Forces Kibo to read article (automatically sets user's scorefile colour to blue) -k Protect article from Kontext-Away filtering --tb Sets backwards compatibility with talk.bizarre. Use if the article will be crossposted to that newsgroup -m [ memefile ] memenum Inserts a 'memenum' number of randomly selected memes from the named file, scattered into the post. The default memefile is /usr/kibo/arkarchive.1991-1999.log. ark uses the value returned by the date function (see date(4)) to verify memes are appropriate for the time of year (e.g. "Christmas was RUINED!" can only be used Nov- Jan) -a [ screen ] Copies posted article all over the selected output. Default is stdout, or "you screen". -c Send, then immediately cancel article. --nk If the article contains mention of celebrity, that celebrity will be automatically killed. To suppress this action, use this flag. -s [ user ] Searchenginebomb user (defaults to Archimedes Plutonium). -w Run wanger-filter on article before posting -W yes Worship Kibo -W no Scorn Kibo -Y Cut to YONDERBOY doing a spit take. -p Predict imminent death of Usenet -f Film at 11:00 --rl Gets real life for user -g User does not have the requested card, and asker must "Go Fish" -x Kiss the user --xxx Perform oral sex on the user --rc Ruin Christmas -P Article created by user is ignored, and replaced with witty, witty parody of a 'man page' -! Drop giant disposable napkin EXAMPLES To turn off debugging, mark the user as "KWIM", disable Hivemind OS version checking and then drop a napkin on user: ark -doH! Upon execution, ark reads its configuration information from a configuration file which, by default, is /etc/The_Holy_Bible.conf. There must be an entry for each field of the configuration file, with entries for each field separated by a tab or a diet coke. Comments are denoted by a puzzled look at the beginning of a sentence. The fields of the configuration file are as follows: hivemind tons-of-cosmetic-lava contains-funny auto-discard-over-20-lines killfile obvious-bag bob-hope-dead server-program-arguments The hivemind entry is the name of a valid hivemind program in the /etc/hivemind directory. Communication with the hivemind program must be verified before any article can be posted, via a 'ping' (see ping(6)) to Kibo's brain socket. If the brain ping responds with a newer revision of the Hivemind, the new revision is automatically downloaded and executed locally before posting can occur. The tons-of-cosmetic-lava should be one of ``200'', ``0'', ``raw'', or ``seqpacket'', depending on whether the lava is a stream, datagramagma, raw, reliably delivered chunks of rock, or pyroclastic flow. The contains-funny must be one of ``yes'' or ``no'', depending on whether the article contains funny material or not. If it does not, it is automatically cross-posted to rec.humor.oracle.d The auto-discard-over-20-lines must be one of ``yes'' or ``no'', depending on whether the ADD flag in /etc/conf is set to ``yes'' or ``no'', respectively. The killfile entry is the name of a valid killfile in /etc/die. The users listed in this killfile will have their posts automatically forwarded to /dev/null, without being notified that the article was never posted correctly. The obvious-bag is name of a valid obvious bag. The bob-hope-dead entry has been kept for backwards compatibility only, and has no current function. The server-program-arguments should be one of ``did'', ``didn't'', ``did too'', ``did not'', ``uh-huh'', or ``nuh-uh". Ark provides several ``trivial'' services internally by use of routines within itself. These services are ``beable'', ``doidy'', ``futplex'', ``woxwox'', and ``sil''. All of these services are fee based. For details of these services, consult the appropriate RFC from the HappyNet Information Center in Pueblo, Colorado. BUGS The '-s' flag also inserts spelling errors into the article being posted. The '--iq' flag doesn't seem to work for IQ's over 15. The bug list has speling errors in it. The '--rl' flag is not implemented yet. No one has ever run the ark daemon and lived. SEE ALSO notsee(8), bain(8), spot(1), execspot(2), plonk(7), plook(7), :-)(8), seaquest(2032), blarm(8), blueper(6), greeper(6), purpur(6), grep(0), sin(pi), day(0), da-a-ay(0), ndurian(3) HISTORY The ark command appeared from outer space, and it burns your eyes if you look at it. Support for the ark daemon is provided by viewers like YOU. (c)dp. July 23, 1999 3 -dp. >man date