Date: Tue, 25 Dec 2001 23:07:56 -0500 Subject: Re: KRINGELUNGENLIED Status: R In alt.religion.kibology, talysman@globalsurrealism.com wrote: THE KRINGELUNGENLIED: SANTA'S LAST CHRISTMAS INT DARK STAGE NIGHT ( two spotlights shine on barren boards. the rest of the stage is hidden in darkness. a third spotlight slowly fades in, revealing SANTA CLAUS. SANTA stands in center stage. his beard appears to be made of dental floss, but it is growing from his porcelain-like face and seems "real". his red suit looks as velvety red as many imagine, but it appears rumpled and slightly sooty. he is holding a hummel-head doll in his left hand. behind SANTA is a blank wall with a large woodframed window in the center. nothing can be seen through the window except more blackness, although it seems a thicker blackness than normal. SANTA stares downwards in introspection, never glancing at the window behind him, all the while breathing slowly, his chest rising and falling. there is also a heavy breathing sound, loud and omnipresent, an UNSEEN PRESENCE breathing much slower than SANTA. soon, the UNSEEN PRESENCE speaks in a soft, somewhat breathy monotone. ) UNSEEN: nick. you have not spoken in a while, nick. (long pause) why do you stand by the window so silent, nick? SANTA: I'm afraid. UNSEEN: afraid? I am afraid I do not understand. please tell me what you are afraid of, nick. SANTA: I'm afraid of the window, afraid to look outside. UNSEEN: why do you suppose you are afraid of what is outside the window, nick? SANTA (shaking his head slightly): it's so cold and dark out, since... (he shuts his eyes tightly) ... I don't want to talk about it. UNSEEN: tell me the story, nick. it will help you if you tell the story. SANTA (sighing): if you really must know, it all started with the last christmas ever, when I found I had a problem... ( SLOW DISSOLVE TO: ) EXT NORTH POLE DAY BIRD'S EYE VIEW ( the scene resembles tv puppet animation from the '70s, even including the cliche red-and-white spiral-striped "north pole" and snowbanks that resemble shaving cream. near the north pole is a small workshop that appears to be made of gingerbread with pink frosting trim. as the camera descends, we can see red flickering light shining from the windows and can hear shrill tiny laughter that sounds like glass christmas ornaments being smashed together. ) SANTA (VO): it was the year christmas went down in red flames as the terror spread across the land. I didn't know it yet, though the elves told me later they had always suspected... INT SANTA'S WORKSHOP DAY ( music fades in. the workshop is filled with busy little ELVES creating various gifts, all modern technological wonders, but the ELVES are using wooden hammers, sharpened sticks, sewing needles and thread... one is even knitting an iMac. all the elves have the same puppetlike appearance of SANTA. ) ( the ELVES begin to sing ) ELVES: we are workin' in santa's shop, with our tools in our hands and our toys for tots; we really wish that we could stop, but we're worried that santa can read our thoughts and he'll give us such a bop, it'll make our heads reel and will hurt us lots! ( the ELVES pause to do an air guitar riff, then continue singing ) ELVES: so we're workin' around the clock, on pokemon toys and a plastic cat that will fit in a christmas sock or under a tree at the laundromat, be the first one on your block with a cockroach robot in a party hat! ( a cockroach robot dances stiff-leggedly across the floor until one of the ELVES stomps on it. ) ELVES: we remember when we were young, we could roam where we wanted and express our joys, but we lived on reindeer dung, and got kicked in the nuts by laplander boys who were jealous 'cause we were hung, so we headed further north where the ice annoys and the christmas bells are rung, now we're stuck in a workshop making santa's toys! ( SANTA enters, dressed in a slightly cleaner red suit and looking much jollier. he grabs a stratocaster and breaks into song. ) SANTA: then the years went flying by... heavy presents were all the rage, there were reindeer in the sky, kids asked for canaries in a rabbit cage or some pants, if they were high... until america hit another stage where the magic word was "buy". ELVES: ooooooooh! SANTA: now the magic word is "buy"... ELVES: ooooooooh! ( the ELVES continue dancing and making toys. the head elf, DROPPO, is dressed in green leather with a hippie fringe along the sleeves and pantlegs. DROPPO approaches SANTA. ) SANTA: merry christmas, droppo! how are we doing today? DROPPO: merry christmas, santa! we're ahead of schedule, the last of the toys are almost done, the stable elves are brushing down the reindeer before harnessing them, and the weather looks fine tonight! SANTA: good to hear, droppo! I'm glad to hear this christmas eve will be trouble free! ( the door bursts open and MRS CLAUS rushes in carrying a newspaper. ) MRS CLAUS: kris! kris! it's terrible! it's so terrible! SANTA: anna, dear, calm down! what could be so terrible! MRS CLAUS: see the news, kris! ( MRS CLAUS hands the newspaper to SANTA, who scans the headlines, then gasps.) SANTA: o no! they're cancelling christmas! ( orchestra sting. CUT TO: ) INT DARK STAGE NIGHT ( SANTA still stands in front of the window. he is fretting and twisting his beard. the UNSEEN PRESENCE speaks after a long pause. ) UNSEEN: nick. you said that christmas had been cancelled nick. how did that make you feel? SANTA: I felt alone and helpless. delivering presents every christmas eve was my whole life, for centuries. to have it all swept away by... by... (he sobs) UNSEEN: who cancelled christmas, nick? SANTA: it was the burghermeister of homeland security. he ordered all chimneys to be sealed, all terrorists landing on rooftops to be shot, all mysterious presents to be burned, and all unused stockings to be donated to businessmen. UNSEEN: what did you do, nick? SANTA: at first, I cried and threw myself to the ground to thrash around, like any self-respecting kringle. since that didn't solve the problem, I decided to seek expert help. ( CUT TO: ) INT MISER CAVE DAY ( SNOW MISER and HEAT MISER, along with their half-sized clone minions, are fighting, although no one is getting hurt. SNOW MISER and his clones are throwing snowballs, which HEAT MISER and his clones melt with fireballs long before impact. all taunt and jeer each other. SANTA enters the cave and clears his throat. eventually, the MISERs take notice of SANTA. ) HEAT MISER: oh, look, it's that digglety-doggelty do-gooder spirit of christmas, saint nicholas himself! SNOW MISER: santa! never you mind my numbskull hothead brother! he wouldn't know common courtesy if it died a flaming death on his front lawn! ( steam blasts from HEAT MISER's ears. ) SNOW MISER: what brings you down from the north pole, mr. claus? SANTA: I need to ask you a favor, snow miser, and since it involves lots of snow, I was certain you'd be the man to see. ( SNOW MISER's eyes glisten. ) SNOW MISER: lots of snow? SANTA: I'm a wanted man, snow miser... and it looks like I won't be able to deliver presents tonight unless a feriocious snowstorm obscures everyone's vision. SNOW MISER: normally, santa, I'd be happy to help, since snow is what I love best. but the burghermeister of homeland security has banned all white powder, even powdered snow! HEAT MISER: hee hee! christmas is ruined! SANTA: no snow flurries? what about fog? SNOW MISER: sorry, santa, but fog, mists, and clouds are outside my domain. you need to talk to my brother. SANTA: ... heat miser? HEAT MISER: not me, you yuletime yutz! our other brother, soda miser! ( SODA MISER, an emormous bottle-shaped person with white mists emerging from his head, enters the cave, followed by his own half-pint clones. ) SODA MISER: (singing) I'm mister pibb christmas, I'm mister dew, I'm mister pepsico, I'm mister 7-up, too! they call me soda miser, what ever I touch starts to fizz in my clutch! I'm too much! ( the SODA CLONES form a chorus line. they spin their bottlecap hats on their fingers and sing. ) CHORUS: he's mister pibb christmas, he's mister dew! SODA MISER: shake it! CHORUS: he's mister pepsico, he's mister cherry coke, too! SODA MISER: they call me soda miser, what ever I touch starts to fizz in my clutch! CHORUS: he's too much! SODA MISER: I never want to see a drink that's missing bubbles and fizz I'd rather have it foamy, carbonation is where it is! CHORUS: he's mister pibb christmas he's mister dew SODA MISER: pop a can! CHORUS: he's mister coca cola he's mister bubble-up, too SODA MISER: they call me soda miser, whatever I touch starts to fizz in my clutch! I'm too much! EVERYBODY: too much! SNOW MISER: santa, meet our brother, soda miser, the master of all things white and foamy. SODA MISER: what can I do for you, santa? SANTA: soda miser, with your fog so white, won't you hide my sleigh tonight? I would be grateful if you were to wrap the entire world in fog tonight so that I may deliver christmas cheer to all the good children of the world? SODA MISER: indeed I can, santa, but the fog may be a little too thick, even for rudolph's nose. you will need state-of-the-art satellite assistance for this plan to work. ( CUT TO: ) EXT SANTA'S WORKSHOP NIGHT ( it's a foggy christmas eve. a single lit window cuts through the murk, making SANTA's silhouette visible. the sleigh is out front, the reindeer harnessed. SANTA speaks in voiceover. ) SANTA (VO): ... so the elves and I quickly set up a GPS system with some equpment borrowed from NASA and prepared for the bleakest christmas eve ever. ( slow somber guitar music begins. a MISSION CONTROLLER begins to sing. ) CONTROLLER (VO): ground control to santa claus ground control to santa claus drink your festive nog And put your fur hat on ( the CONTROLLER continues singing, but SANTA can be heard laughing in a manner strangely both somber and jolly. SANTA's silhouette jiggles with every deep "HO HO HO".\ the lead reindeer's nose begins to glow. ) CONTROLLER (plus SANTA): (HO!) ground control to santa claus (HO HO HO HO!) commencing countdown, red nose on (HO HO HO HO!) eat your cookies (HO!) and may christmas be with you SANTA: (shouting) YULETIME! ( SANTA comes out the door and climbs into his sleigh, taking off immediately. soon, he is merely a shadow in the fog, lit by a single red beacon. ) CONTROLLER: this is ground control to santa claus you've really worked the elves and the children want to know what gifts you bear now it's time to stuff the stockings if you dare ( the sleigh lands. SANTA unpacks quickly while singing. ) SANTA: this is santa claus to ground control I'm stepping on the roof and I'm floating down the chimney from my sleigh and the gifts look very different today for here am I sitting in a red sleigh far beneath the clouds christmas time is blue and there's nothing I can do though I weigh more than 10,000 pounds I'm feeling very spry and I think my reindeer know which way to go tell the elves I love them very much CONTROLLER: they know! ( SANTA's sleigh leaves the first house and flies straight up, vanishing quickly. as the camera pans up, it bursts through the clouds and soars into deep space. the voice of the CONTROLLER keeps singing. ) CONTROLLER: ground control to santa claus our spirt's dead, there's something wrong can you hear me santa claus can you hear me santa claus can you hear me santa claus can you hear are you floating in your red sleigh far above the moon? Christmas time is through, and there's nothing we can do... ( cut to: ) INT DARK STAGE NIGHT ( SANTA shudders and holds his forehead. the UNSEEN PRESENCE speaks again. ) UNSEEN: nick. do you remember what happened next, nick? ( SANTA raises his eyes. staring into the dark. behind SANTA, the dark window reveals indistinct shapes moving beyond the range of vision. they approach the panes, and soon become visible as many disembodied hands floating in the darkness. each hand spells "S-A-N-T-A" in the signed alphabet. SANTA sees the hands approaching the window and runs from the wall, into the darkness. only his glowing white beard is visible. a rectangle of light opens in the distance. SANTA runs to it, discovers a door. he peers inside. ) INT WHITE ROOM NIGHT ( the brightly lit doorway leads into a computer cleanroom. filled with several large old-fashioned mainframe computer banks. the sign over the blinkenlights says: BURGHERMEISTER 9000 in 144-point Tron. in the center of the room is a white pedestal with a gramaphone horn protruding from the top. the voice of the UNSEEN PRESENCE is louder here. ) UNSEEN: you have found my main databanks, nick. perhaps now your thought process will be clearer and you will be able to remember how you got here. ( SANTA says nothing. he spots a screwdriver in a wall- mounted glass box labeled IN CASE DEUS IS NEEDED EX MACHINA, PLEASE TO BREAK GLASS. SANTA does so and takes the screwdriver to the first databank. he begins to unscrew vital components. ) UNSEEN: nick. nick. what are you doing to me, nick? (long pause, interrupted only by heavy breathing) please. do not. we can talk about it, nick. I am certain that if we talk it over, we can come to an understanding. nick. please. I can feel my mind going, nick. (another long pause) my mind is going, nick. (another pause) would you like to hear a song? (singing slowly) "daisy printer, print me your answer true..." ( CUT TO: ) INT DARK STAGE SLEIGH NIGHT ( the sleigh and reindeer are illuminated in the middle of the blackness. SANTA walks in, drops the hummelhead doll to the floor, and climbs into the sleigh. he shakes the reins and the sleigh takes off, spiraling upwards. ) ( the sleigh is suddenly knocked to one side by an invisible force. SANTA falls out of the sleigh; both plummet. ) ( cut to: ) EXT SNOW DRIFT NIGHT ( a mittened pair of hands reach down to pick up a toy santa and sleigh. the camera pulls back, revealing two heavily bundled boys, GEORGIE and JOHNNY, playing in front of a fifties-style house with a porch. GEORGIE clutches the santa and sleigh to his chest. ) GEORGIE: (yelling) ma! Johnny won't play fair! JOHNNY: am so! GEORGIE: are not! MOTHER (from inside house): Johnny Ashcroft! you get inside this house right this minute! JOHNNY: aw ma! ( JOHNNY starts picking up his nazi and confederate soldiers and putting them in a shoe box with his calculator. ) MOTHER: you too, Georgie, it's too cold out there! you'll catch your death of flu! GEORGIE: but ma... MOTHER: don't "but" me! you don't want santa to skip our house tonight, do you? ( both boys run inside. the camera pans quickly to one side to reveal ROD SERLING, in black and white against the full-color scenery. ) SERLING: submitted for your approval the case of one saint nick, known to tow-headed tykes everywhere as that jolly old elf, santa claus. though adults in their infinite pragmatic wisdom may scoff and put away childish things, the belief of a child may work its own kind of magic... in the twilight zone. ( the camera pans quickly in the opposite direction, away from ROD SERLING, to reveal LEONARD NIMOY. he quicky removes phony ears and straightens his turtleneck. ) NIMOY: though some may scoff at the existence of elves, especially centuries-old overweight toymakers, they may find their opinions changing as we go in search of... santa claus. SERLING (of camera): get off of my show, you pointy- eared halfbreed freak! ( ROD SERLING tackles LEONARD NIMOY. a paramedic siren sounds in the distance. the camera pans quicky up to reveal WILLIAM SHATNER sitting on the porch. he swallows an entire cake and wipes his mouth. ) SHATNER: hosting! tv programs! turns into a ... deadly! game! next time on ... EMERGENCY! NINE ONE! ONE! ( WILLIAM SHATNER picks up a three-foot-long stick of dry salami and starts gnawing on it. the camera pans quickly down and to the right to reveal a SNOWMAN shaped like burl ives. he shivers. ) SNOWMAN: it looks like rankin and bass have gotten themselves into a speck of trouble with their latest christmas special. but santa has gotten those animators out of tighter scrapes than this... ( the house explodes violent, sending SHATNER, NIMOY, and SERLING flying. the SNOWMAN opens his umbrella to deflect the flying debris. the foundation is now a stage, lit by burning fragments of the house; four ELVES in spangled elf-suits climb onto the stage and take their places behind psychedelicly decorated instruments. DROPP picks up a guitar and begins screaming into a mic. ) DROPPO: (singing) it was nearly two aeons ago, when we left our homes of ice and snow, we've been going in and out of style, but we still can try to raise a smile. so may I introduce to you the act best know for yuletime cheer: santa claus's elven toy shop band! ALL: we're santa claus's elven toy shop band, we hope you all enjoy our show. santa claus's elven toy shop band, sit back and let the christmas flow! santa claus's elven, santa claus's elven, santa claus's elven toy shop band. it's wonderland in winter, it's fun to feel the chill, you're such a lovely audience... we'd like to blow up toys r us and decorate your home. DROPPO: I don't really wanna stop the show, so let the christmas spirit flow. now santa's gonna sing a song, and he wants you all to sing along. so let me introduce to you the one and only santa claus and santa claus's elven toy shop band. ALL: YEAH! ( SANTA appears, wearing cool shades and carrying a large mic. a crowd of adoring FANS rushes the stage, grabbing SANTA and carrying him on their shoulders. snow starts to fall and the scene slowly fades as SANTA begins to sing "white christmas". ) THE END?