Path: utk.edu!news!newsfeed.usit.net!newsswitch.lcs.mit.edu!netnews.com!news-xfer.newsread.com!netaxs.com!newsread.com!POSTED.monger.newsread.com!not-for-mail From: Unit 4 Newsgroups: alt.slack,alt.usenet.kooks,news.admin.net-abuse.usenet,alt.fan.karl-malden.nose,alt.religion.kibology Subject: OFFICIAL Kook Of The Month Gets Her Award And Explodes Organization: Cabal Network Security Reply-To: unit4@sputum.com Message-ID: <4nno5s8jspsk2uc4sblljlj6si8t7fpvdn@4ax.com> References: X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.7/32.534 X-No-Archive: yes MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Lines: 302 Date: Sun, 19 Dec 1999 05:12:17 GMT NNTP-Posting-Host: 209.100.21.209 X-Complaints-To: Abuse Role , We Care X-Trace: monger.newsread.com 945580337 209.100.21.209 (Sun, 19 Dec 1999 00:12:17 EST) NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 19 Dec 1999 00:12:17 EST Xref: utk.edu alt.slack:3056 alt.usenet.kooks:7378 news.admin.net-abuse.usenet:8999 alt.fan.karl-malden.nose:8386 alt.religion.kibology:2978 On 18 Dec 1999 01:54:05 -0500, froot@fugami.net (Clue-Resistant KotM) wrote, in alt.sex.groceries: } Please spank me in a big bowl of apple fritters as the months } KOOK OF THE MONTH NOVEMBER 1999 } } M A R G I E " F O O D - S T O R E " H A M S T E R M A N } } I would like to thank the Laughing Academy for letting me out to eat, uh } to RECEIVE this fine cupcake, er AWARD. I would also like to thank the } Little People for remaining little, that I might show off my great size } by contrast. If it weren't for them you'd all have to spank, um THANK me } alone for my enormous girth. And my girl friend Little Debbie. Her little } cakes make me so hot... I could eat them (um, *shove* mumphum) aoow way wonm. } *GULP*. } } As we go forf fwom dooday we muff nevuh forgip vat we } GWEAT BEEB HYOUJ PORKEWS simplwe FWIVE om humiwiafiom. } Mm ATS wah we bwing ib om owsewves. We aow FO fukimg } GWOTH vat... [CRASH] {*B*O*O*M*s-h-a-t-t-e-r} Shut it off! Shut it... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. Do not adjust your set. We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stay tuned. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssclick. This is Ted Koppel with a Nightline news bulletin. Disaster struck tonight in alt.usenet.kooks, during the acceptance speech by newly elected Kook Of The Month, Margie Hamsterman. Just moments into the speech, an explosion rocked the newsgroup, leaving an enormous crater where the stage had been. Rescue workers arriving on the scene said that it appeared as if some "immense force" crashed through the bottom of the newsgroup, and through several other newsgroups below it on the active list. Let's go to our reporter on the scene. Reporter: Thank you Ted. As you can see behind me, very little of the Kook Awards stage remains intact. Of Margie Hamsterman, there is no sign. The first rescue workers arriving at the scene noticed a residue of what appears to be fatty tissue and whipped cream spread around the area, and around the hole through the newsgroups below. A special FEMA forensics team has been called in to determine if this substance is remains or leftovers. We have here with us the local official of the beleaugered alt.usenet.kooks, a Mr. Vote Wrangler. Mr. Wrangler, can you tell us in your own words happened here? VW: Well, there was Hamsterman, shoving her face full of snack cakes... C: ... the fat hosebag EXPLODED is what... VW: Cipher, cut it out. We're on TV. C: ... just SNARF SNARF SNARF -- KA-BLOOIE! hehehehehe VW: Come on, man. And get that empty Twinkies box off your head. C: You should see the mess he left downstairs in alt.usenet.lusers! It looks like a tribe of Eskimos tried to take the blubber off a whale with dynamite and chainsaws! HOOOOOO-EEEEEE what a stink. Reporter: Mr. Wrangler, will this in any way dampen the illustrious Kook Awards? VW: Not in the least. In fact I would venture to say that Margie's spectacular exit justifies our position. We can hardly claim credit for Kookology. It is the Kooks who must provide us with the proof. I believe Miss Hamsterman has given us proof. C: You mean POOF! BWA-HAHAHAHAHA Kibo: Mentos, anyone? Everyone: What? Reporter: Thank you Mr. Wrangler. Let's step over to the disaster scene and get a few words with the leader of the usenet rapid response team, Lady 180, of SPUTUM. Unit 180, what's the damage so far? 180: So far our crew has gone down about 20 groups into the hierarchy. It appears so far that the last sign of damage is down in alt.users.america.online.clueless.clueless.clueless. Not that they'd know, of course. We can say for certain that alt.utensils.spork was not affected. Reporter: How is that? 180: Spork is our cat. He told us. Reporter: I see. And what have they found down there? 180: Here's the audio feed from Units 2 and 4. 4: ...is pretty dark down here. The lasers barely cut the gloom. 2: LOOK OUT! >>>>>>>Fuckhead >>>>>>Fjuckhead >>>>>Fookhead >>>>Loafhead >>>Ljutefisk >>Weejun >Wanker 2: What the hell was that> 4: Cascade. 2: So far from The Nose? 4: Was probably wandering through alt.usenet.recovery and fell in. 2: There's steam or something over that way. Let's check it. 4: Right. The residue is slippery...hard to keep going. The floor is... 2: It looks like little tiles all piled up. Kibo: Is this an episode of Seaquest DSV? 2 & 4: What? 4: We're going up a slow incline of these square tiles. 2: Dok, look at these. They're floppies! 4: That's not steam over there. It looks like a person. 2: These are AOL floppies! 4: Oh my "Bob", then that must be..... 2: It's the ghost of Steve Case. 4: Poor bastard. Doomed to spend eternity giving away free floppy disks. 2: He deserves it. 4: Well, yeah. Let's get back to the... 180: Wait one, troops, we've got a contact above you somewhere. Right below us I think. voice: get this fat fuck pedophile off of me! 180: Hello? Are you alright? voice: no i'm not alright you censorous cabal scum! 180: John? voice: that's dr. john grubor, ninja freedom fighter attorney-ex-law and inventor of usenet and medical marijuana , you sadistic netscum slime! 180: John Grubor! What are you doing in alt.usenet.lusers? Kibo: I'M NOT WEARING ANY PANTS. JG: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU, YOU PERVERT? Kibo: AND NEITHER IS MY DOG SPOT. JG: SHUT UP. SHUT UP. I'm just passing through. I don't belong here. I'm not a luser. I'm a respected net god! I'm a member of the bar! Kibo: I'll have an Orbitz. Shaken, not stirred. JG: AND WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY? 180: What guy? *snicker* JG: You can't fool me you net destroyers. Me and the Freedom Kooks... 180: The WHAT? JG: KNIGHTS. Freedom NIGHTS. We'll get your ass when we invade Canada, just you wait. Dave Hayes will make you DEFINE things... 180: Define "define". 4: Hey, that's mine. JG: YOU! PINK FURMANSKY! I'LL HAVE YOUR SORRY SOAP EATING ASS! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU HIDING? 4: Look down, John Boy! See anything? JG: no..... 4: Then you might as well put your pants back on! *snort* JG: YOU BASTARD! YOU NETSCU... 4: *PLONK* JG: " ". 180: You guys find anything else? 4: Not much other than the detritus. This must be Detritus Alley. 2: BWA! Naw, Palmjob's up there on a.u.lusers with Grubby. He's... hey. Look at this. 4: What? Oh. what the hell is it? 2: Looks like hair.... no, a wig. Here's a pile of half eaten Ding Dongs. 4: What's that shiny thing under that stuff? 2: It's... it looks like a fish. It's a COD. 4: Holy Dobbs. It's Hamsterman's BRANE. 180! Biotelemetry, stat! Get Pheonix on the monitor! 180: Coming down! Reporter: Here it is folks, live drama. The SPUTUM crew is attempting to save Hamsterman's brain. But WHY? 2: Here's the field surgery kit Dok. 4: Good. Forceps. 2: *sip* *sip* *sip* *sip* 4: My turn. *guzzle* 2: Dok, you're disgusting. How can you guzzle Jaegermiester? 4: Hey, it's all just yeast piss to me. 180: Telemetry linked. Pheonix: Got carrier signal. Flat line so far. 180: And that differs from normal how? 2: Back prop in place. Ready to pulse. 4: CLEAR. 2: Nothing. Harder. 4: CLEAR. CLEAR. CLEAR. Reporter: How is that supposed to help? 4: Help...? 2: No reaction. Pheonix: None up here either. 2: Good. Everything's normal then. 4: Yup. Sending it up. Clear the taut line. 2: Ready. PULL. Reporter: But if there's no sign of intelligent life, why save it? 180: That just means it's in perfect shape. Pheonix: We have the technology. We can reboot this kook. He's too much fun to spank to just let him go to waste. Reporter: There you have it ladies and gentlemen, a happy ending to a powerful, real life drama. Now, back to you, Ted. Tim Thorne: Hey I want to... Reporter: [SLAP] Thread's over. [All exit, Pheonix last, turning off lights.] [In the darkness....] JG: YOU! NET SCUM! GET ME OUT OF HERE! Kibo: Here! We can climb up my long sig file and get out! JG: What? I can't see it. Kibo: Oh, well then you need to install Pretty Good Picture 6.0 JG: HELP! STEVE! DAVE! Kibo: LOOK! It's the Star Trek VOYAGER. And it's full of BOZOS. JG: *whimper* [Kibo digs around in his magic Font Bag] Kibo: LOOK! Up in the sky! It's a TALL BUILDING! It's a POWERFUL LOCOMOTIVE! It's... [Kibo slaps four characters on his chest] Kibo: It's B1FF!!!!!!!!!111!!!!! [Kibo/B1FF flies up through the opening above, leaving a shower of mixed fonts raining on Grubor. A giant "H" smacks him square on the noggin.] JG: OW. Hey. Come back. You can't leave me down here. I don't have my lighter. I CAN'T LIGHT MY JOINT. HEY. HELP. [Screen goes dark.] [Cut to interior of posh high-rise office. Rev. Ivan Stang and Kibo turn from the screen to face each other.] Stang: Well, "James" that was quite a production. I trust you find it satisfactory? Kibo: Quite so, "Doug". Serves the old coot right for trying to steal my name. Thanks for the help. Stang: My pleasure. After all, what are fellow fringe splinter religious kook cults for? [Screen goes dark.] [Cut to inside of EMP hardened fortress, somewhere in the Canadian north woods. The lights are dim. Two figures sit in large leather bound chairs.] Figure 1: Well, another fine episode of usenet completed. I must say it's one of the best so far. Fluffy will be pleased. Figure 2: Getting harder to keep it all together though, eh? There's what, 60,000 newsgroups now? 1: More like 80,000 but that's not so much of a problem. It's the story line. It keeps trying to take off on its own. 2: Well, maybe that's for the best. Must evolve, you know. 1: So true. But you know, someday I'd like to be able to give it all up, and get back to the real world. 2: We appreciate your sacrifice. It will not go unrewarded. 1: I'm glad to hear that, Mr. Dobbs. 2: You deserve it, CyberSheriff Lewis. [Screen goes dark.]