Date: Sun, 12 Aug 2001 21:44:19 -0400 Subject: Re: [rec.arts.sf.composition] Re: Cest the Cop: Female crime fightiing action Status: R In alt.humor.best-of-usenet, Ian York wrote: Subject: Re: Cest the Cop: Female crime fightiing action From: iayork@panix.com (Ian A. York) Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.composition In article <3b665dce.2146683@news.inebraska.net>, John Kensmark wrote: > >Naturally, summoning Kibo is fine fun, but, in general, it smacks of a >fear of demons and elder gods, dunnit? Fauster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-ACT I, SCENE I-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- PRELUDE: Now prithee, dost the spackled hour Of seventh Babel rose, the bagpipe tower. Three Agnews, betimes to weep The serpent fresh in trews to creep. Cry "Sil", and let slip the dogs of bore! CHORUS: Do-wop, do-wop. MATT: What? PRELUDE: I think it's, like, a metaphor. MATT: Oh. Okay. Go on. PRELUDE: Then rise thee to the something something Umm ... sing of thee, no I mean to Heaven's fastness cry, so the something has to rhyme with cry, maybe strive, it sort of works, err to Heaven's fastness cry, Sweet nymph, hot teenage cheerleaders I mean damn, that's not right Something something something fright. CHORUS: Woo woo. [Exit PRELUDE, muttering.] CHORUS: ... Shooby do wop. [Exeunt CHORUS.] MATT: I've mastered sci.physics, And trolled the startrek groups. Rec.arts.sf, sci.skeptics, I've debated and scattered their troops. I'm called a Master, even Doctor too - SAM: "Doctor McIrvin". It's true. MATT: But still, alas, I'm not a Usenet pro. [PRELUDE sticks his head back in.] PRELUDE: Have you tried alt.religion.kibology? MATT: That didn't rhyme. Err, I've looked at sci.geology. PRELUDE: Oh, sorry. How about, how about, A.R.K. will help you grow. CHORUS [Off]: Bop she bop. [Exit PRELUDE again.] MATT [Mutters to himself, counting on his fingers]:...ology, ology, umm ... pro, grow ... all set. [Declaiming again.] I have it! With my arcane knowledge I'll open the gates of Hell, Summon the Dean of that horrid college That in the alt. sewers doth dwell. [SAM faints.] [CURTAIN] -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-ACT I, SCENE II-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- [MATT is dancing around a computer. He does not have rhythm.] MATT: Round about the keyboard go; In the poisoned comments throw. Troll, that under cold stone, days and nights has thirty-one Sweltered venom like Steve Boursy. Boil thou first in the ISP. Waldorf-Astoria's velvet cake In the newsgroup boil and bake. Wool over eyes and tounge of frog, Black helicopters in the fog. For a charm of powerful trouble Like Grubor's bowels boil and bubble. Double, double, toil and trouble; Newbies burn and flamers boil. [There is a sudden BOOM and a foul-smelling burst of smoke from the monitor. Smoke continues to build and obscure the scene. We hear many voices, all speaking on top of each other, getting louder:] VOICES: Stiff turgid nipples/CABLE DESCRAMBLER NOW!/is a pedophile TROLL/IQ of a syphilitic camel/HOT BABES.COM/Big companies paid for/ALL OVER YOU SCREEN/the fucking FAQ/government coverup!/my CONSITUTIONAL RIGHT!!!/a born-again Earth/ White Power/sexxxy cheerleaders.com/atheist communist pig [continue ad lib]... MATT: Stop! Stop, you fiends! Avaunt! [He pulls out his Boy's Big Book of Demon Repellents.] Begone! Scram! Avaunt, I say, avaunt! Get thee behind me! Quit! Stop! Logout! Control-Z! Control-Q! Scram! Scoot! [He finds the place in his grimoire at last.] Aha! Hitler! HITLER! VOICES [Fading]: ...grassy knoll/Bill Gates in a purple dinosaur suit/military coverup/wearing any pants/the Cabal ... [The smoke dissipates as the voices fade into silence.] MATT: Phew ... they've gone. [KIBO is now revealed standing behind MATT. He is wearing a spangly cape.] KIBO: Not all of them. BWAHAHAHAHA! [He swirls his cape dramatically.] MATT: Who are you? KIBO: I am the spirit that says "Sil!" MATT: So to tale, who, never reposing, Newgroups and rmgroups, you're opposing Your frigid devil's fist with might and main. It's clenched in spite and clenched in vain! Seek something else to undertake, You, Chaos' odd, fantastic son! KIBO: Womp womp! ... How come the funny talk? MATT: I thought I had to. KIBO [with plenty of reverb]: YOU'RE ALLOWED! [Swirls his cloak.] MATT: You mean I can talk in prose now? Phew. KIBO: Well, they were pretty crappy rhymes anyway. "Logout" and "scoot"? What kind of an accent is that? SAM [Aside]: I like the way Ian gets out of forcing more rhymes. [SAM is hit in the face with a cream pie.] MATT: So, how did you get out of ARK? KIBO: Why, this is ARK, nor am I out of it. [CURTAIN] -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-ACT II, SCENE I-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- MATT: Okay! Okay! Off we go. I get three wishes or something, right? Okay, okay. Okay. First, I want to meet THE HOTTEST CHYK ON THE INTERNET!!!!! KIBO [with reverb]: YOU'RE ALLOWED! [Swirls his cloak. LISA appears.] LISA: EAT A BOWL OF FUKK! [Exit Lisa.] MATT [After a long pause]: That was it? KIBO: Give me a break. I'm Kibo, not 'Jesse Garon'. MATT: Okay. Well, if at Faust you don't succeed- [KIBO shoots MATT. He dies.] [Exit KIBO.] [CURTAIN] -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-FINIS-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-