Article 209052 of alt.religion.kibology: Path: news.vic.com!tor-nx1.netcom.ca!news.maxwell.syr.edu!howland.erols.net!panix!news.panix.com!panix3.panix.com!not-for-mail From: iayork@panix.com (Ian A. York) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Ballet summary Date: 18 May 1999 00:59:56 -0400 Organization: PANIX -- Public Access Networks Corp Lines: 69 Message-ID: <7hqs4c$6to$1@panix3.panix.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: panix3.nfs100.access.net X-Trace: news.panix.com 927003597 29731 166.84.0.228 (18 May 1999 04:59:57 GMT) X-Complaints-To: abuse@panix.com NNTP-Posting-Date: 18 May 1999 04:59:57 GMT X-Newsreader: trn 4.0-test69 (20 September 1998) Xref: news.vic.com alt.religion.kibology:209052 The Kibobird The ballet opens with a Hunter prowling through the alt.* hierarchy. (In this production, alt.* is represented by a bright, colourful bunch of ribbons that have been dipped in raw sewage and jumped on by a basketball team.) The Hunter soloes for a while, leaping, gliding, and generally prancing about until the bassoons and oboes hint with a chromatic arpeggio that they're frankly getting a bit tired of this prowling business and could we please get on with the plot, at which the Hunter sheepishly retires from the stage. A clash of symbols and a twitter of oboes announce the Kibobird. The Kibobird is dressed in a spangly cape, which he waves wildly in an ultimately futile attempt to disguise the fact that his tights are on backwards. His signature theme, played by a flueglehorn, is soft, elegant, and made even more mysterious by the haunting question, "What the hell is a flueglehorn, anyway?" The Kibobird roams freely across the alt.* hierarchy, occasionally marking his territory in a remarkable piece of stage business that is here handled with considerably more tact than the notorious 1994 "Furr" presentation. As the Kibobird drifts to stage left, a muted warning from the oboes and bassoons reminds us of the Hunter, who has once again entered the scene. The Hunter takes refuge behind the sci.physics groups until the Kibobird dances past him, at which the Hunter leaps forward and seizes the Kibobird, a dramatic moment marked by a tremolo flutter on the left buttock. The Hunter wrests the spangly cape away from the Kibobird who, tights exposed, now hastily exits stage left, while the Hunter chooses stage right. The scene now shifts to a group of Hot Teen Cheerleaders, who perform a delicate and moving dance to indicate that they have been held captive since May 15th of the previous year in a grove of deciduous trees (predominately oak, but with some maple and more commercially valuable walnut as well) by an evil sorcerer called Froggy McIrviniskyolovich. Exhausted by the chore of miming the last word, they sink, weeping, to the ground. The Hunter enters once again, and halts, astounded, at the sight before him. This tableau is held for several minutes, during which the audience is encouraged to place bets on the eventual outcome. As the Hunter attempts to introduce himself to the Cheerleaders, the Evil Sorcerer and his Minions enter. The orchestra marks this dramatic moment with the Evil Sorcerer theme, in which the trombones rhythmically whap their slides on the heads of the flute players ahead of them. The Hunter attempts to fight the Sorcerer and his Minions, but is easily repelled by flames such as "luser," "newbie", and "clueless wanker". Forced to the very edge of the stage, and under heavy assault, the Hunter suddenly remembers the Kibobird's cape, and performs the famous "Dance of Suddenly Remembering the Kibobird's Cape" for fifteen minutes. Returning to his position, the Hunter waves the Kibobird's cape dramatically, and we once again hear the Kibobird's theme, though now played on a clarinet, as the flueglehorn player has fallen victim to metaphysical bafflement at his own intrument. The Kibobird plies his way around the Minions, baffling them with crossposts and, and then, with a fanfare from the entire brass section, we realize that the Kibobird has successfully trolled the Evil Sorcerer. As the curtain slowly falls, the orchestra plays a peaceful melody that gradually fades into nothingness as the union members of the orchestra quietly leave. -- Ian York (iayork@panix.com) "-but as he was a York, I am rather inclined to suppose him a very respectable Man." -Jane Austen, The History of England