Article 146944 of alt.religion.kibology: From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The dangers of name calling Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Date: Sun, 3 May 1998 06:52:31 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8162 centons, 89 microns, .02 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote: > [apology for throwing a snowball during recess, and 200 of the sentence > "I will not dance on the teacher's desk while swearing at the top of > my lungs" omitted] > > THE DANGERS OF NAME CALLING > > AN ESSAY > > By Etienne Rouette Whose Name Sounds Like E.T. After A Sex Change And A Gambling Problem > Instead, because of time constraints, I'll just briefly explain to you my technique for alphabetizing my dinner, instead of posting L. Ron > Rouette's Theory of Name Calling on Usenet. Name Calling Bad. Fire Burn. Fire is doody-head! Oh oh, me call fire name. Hope fire not mad. Shake hands with fire to make up. Ow! Fire mad! Rrrr. > > Everyone knows that every now and then, in almost every newsgroups, the government seizes posts filled with drugs. The authors who are tied to the > posts are done for which the real motif is only to name the regular polygon which Pat Sajak's robotic hair resembles, viz., the deceptagon. See the > posters in a newsgroup. This phenomenon is called name calling. I just called name calling a name. Ooh, I'm more perjorative than you. > > There are four laws in my theory. I'll take Mr. Yonderboy's post as an example of my kleptomania. Mr. Psychiatrist gave the therapy crayons to draw an > example to illustrate it. Some posts are a sad cry for help. Others are a happy celebration of psychosis. > > First Law of Name Calling: The farther you go back in time, the more likely you are to turn into a baby and accidentally make Hitler President. Plus > the chance of forgetting people is great. But the chance of forgetting great people is slim. Does this make Hitler great? > > Mr. Yonderboy, in his post, mentionned people which are not current subscribers to "The Reader's Digest", because they are not old. They are young hippies putting up their lickable Peter Max > posters in the group. By doing this, he took the chance of forgetting who Hitler was. Fortunately, the rest of us remember President Hitler. Two > people who are posting to the group right now, and also people who were posting about people posting to the group right now. These weenies got cooties > on the group in the same time period as the retired members mentionned. This time period, the Pre-Hitler Phase, was retro-nullified when I changed history, making Hitler only Vice-President. Richard Simmons became God and > His post produced only two negative followups (so far) from people who realized they could combine their two negatives into something positive, and > were not mentionned and thought they had their rightful place in the corner wearing the "feed me more castor oil" hat. We ordered more via parcel > post (and IMHO, they were right), which is not bad. This leads us to the bathroom. Oy, that castor oil. Why did Vice-President Hitler mandate it? > > Second Law of Name Calling: Concentrate on current members of the National Basketball Association, whose members are, curiously, not basketballs. They go sliding around that parkay floor, before demolishing Boston Garden to put up a large, ugly, soulless new > newsgroup. And from this day on, you, Vice-President Hitler, shall also be known as... Santa Claus. <-- (Burgess Meredith moment) > > This law is complementary to the first one. This is the best way of getting girls. To avoid you. It does not help you choose between sitting at the cool table and sitting at the grownup table, but it does aid in > avoiding negative followups by forgotten people. > Thus ensuring that you are the last poster in the thread, guaranteeing you will become one of the forgotten people. Meanwhile, Hitler got a Nobel Prize for his > Third Law of Name Calling: Don't make name callings if you don't want to invest in some sticks and stones for your glass house and your slings and arrows of an outrageous sea of troubles, but you still would pay to > have people angry at you and/or frustrated and/or deeply hurt. Also do not put people into superposition of emotional states. Only cats in black boxes. > > This one is self-explanatory. This one contradicts that one. > > Fourth Law of Name Calling: Only experienced posters of the newsgroup may make name calls collect. They are required to use 1-800-COLLECT because it forwards half the profits to Kibo. Talking dolphins with funny voices never > should attempt name callings. Also be sure to give everyone 24 hours advance notice before attempting one. > > Mr. Yonderboy, being a veteran kibologist, has the political capacities to eat hundreds of bowls of Congressional Bean Soup, keeping him too busy > to make this kind of post and to survive the negative followups without using his bionic arms, or Vice-Prez Hitler using his bionic mustache to avoid > too much damage. If you are reading a newsgroup and you suffer too much damage, remember that Silly Putty is flesh-colored. Unless you have dark skin, OF COURSE. > > This was a brief summarization of my theories, developped from my Kodak Disc Camera, which can take 10 exposures per second, and holds 8 exposures on a small uninexpensive disc. Thrill to the Interactive Multimedia > experience in diverse Usenet discussion groups. As I'm not one of the stars of "Murphy Brown", I am qualified to comment on the real world, and like > most experienced posters on Usenet, I'm willing to accept input about pornography. (insert gum commercial here) What is... pure chewing satisfaction? Need more data, please input. > this theory. Feel free to criticize it and point errors out to me. Are your circuits functioning correctly? Your ears are green. Etienne, please listen to me carefully: I am lying. > > Etienne Rouette, Usenet Theorist Oh, now you're going to go on and on about Jeff Conaway's game of "Life", which was endorsed by Art Linkletter back when he was screamingly funny. I just forgot whether the last pronoun referred to Jeff or Art. THE END. -- K. Watch Art Linkletter Friday nights on WebTV Users Post The Darndest Things!