Date: Sun, 15 Jun 2003 19:38:16 -0400 Subject: Re: Julius Kibo (was: Re: american money) In alt.religion.kibology, butting@ihug.co.nz wrote: James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > Bryce Utting (butting@ihug.co.nz) wrote: >> BOXLEITNER QUADRANTES >> ADDSWEALTH FORBETTORS >> IMMERSEDIN POPCULTURE >> ABERRATION WHOOOOOOPS >> IDESTROYED THEECONOMY > > Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Ten-letter words aren't legal, especially > because Bruce Boxleitner doesn't even speak Latin, you bozo! > > LEVATE DALOCV > LVDERE NESCIS > IDIOTA RECEDE > > And now you owe me a zillion denarii, a barrel of lupins, and a > roast peacock in jellyfish sauce. oh no! the nominative singular (wait, dative? accusative? genitive? [hurh, hurh] argh, I'm only making things WORSE for myself!) in there means he's talking to *ME*, and not all you other lamers as well, and everything I already owe is now in double-hock, and Kibo'll have me thrown into the Marshalsea! there's only one thing I can pay this back with: bozocity. better get me thinkin' cap on. ETHUL! whut brand a' bozocity do we have in supply today? THINK, Ethul, THINK! > You can pick up the latter at > my favorite restaurant. It's of the ones that is in compliance > with the anti-gambling laws because there's not a single gameboard > around whenever the local centurions drops in, and the menu is > conveniently carved in giant letters on the tabletops: > > ABEMVS INCENA > PVLLVM PISCEM > PERNAM PAONEM fish? picenium bozonium? nah, 'cos the fish barrel's already full of lupins. Ethul, you're supposed to be HELPING. > Of course it's a little hard to read because they sniffed away > the start of "habemus" and swallowed the middle of the tripthong > in "pavonem". But still, I win again! Somehow, I always manage > to get to the end of what I'm typing before you people even begin > reading it. A clear victory for me. You should just give up and > hand over all your money to me now, because trying to hang onto > it will warp your brain. ETHUL!!! the vast gravitational attraction of Kibo's gold hoard is pulling me brainstem apart! HURRRY! > SPERNE LVCRVM > VERSAT MENTES > INSANA CVPIDO ETHUL!!! now that *cupid* you've always been moaning about's been crushed by the insane mentes of his filthy lucre! HURRY!!! NOW!!!!! > -- K. > > TIMEOF CHRIST > ZINGER STINGS > MODERN NIMNUL NIMNUL... NIMNUL, NIMNA, NIMNI, NIMWI, NIMWIT. Ethul, I'm BLOCKING. THINK!!! okay. Kibo's on a Latin rush and wants fealty. all I have to work with are the crumbs dug from the chiselled inscription in his table-top, some sort of Roman font, a little swirly in the S though the particularly discrete serifs are a nice touch. ETHUL, SHARRUP ABOUT ROMANS AND FEALTY! ROMANES EUNT----- hey, waitaminute. *whisperwhisperwhisperwhisperwhisperwhisper* ahem. Ladies and Kibologists, oh, and, uhr, Ladies who -are- Kibologists, yet who somehow still remain Ladies, it gives me great pleasure to frantically throw something together at short notice and hopefully clear the venue before those calling "Author!" manage to lay hands on anything that could leave a bruise. The dramatic arts present us with many treasures of our culture, many glories indeed that have delighted and aroused and stirred over the centuries, and it is from this rich ancestry that I hope to entertain you in this brief passage of the cess, sorry, *news*-spool before fleeing once more into the night. And so I give you, a mere 549 days after it could possibly have made any sense: JULIUS KIBO DRAMATIS PERSONAE KIBO. IARAI CHASIVS, } RICHIA HOLMIVS, } Knights of ARK. MATTIAS MICCERVINI. } DAVIDI DELANI, } IEREMI IMPISONI } IOE EBAY, } Heaven only knows. ROBERTO LINDISI, } TALISMANI. } BEABILIVS VAN POLASIMVS, } IAMES VANDENBERG, } Austrians. IOHANN BARRAGIVS. } ARCHIMEDES PLVTONIVM, } Conspirators against ROBERTO MICHELERVANI. } Julius Kibo. DARIA VILADIVSISCHYKVS, } PAULA TOBILERONI, } Arkchyx (or, Ladies, STACIA, } still, somehow). TAMARA. } A Soothsayer. Spot. (Poor Spot!) Kooks, Trolls, Kevin S. Wilson, other Kibologists, &c. THE SCENE: alt.religion.kibology ; alt.config ; sci.physics.electromag ; sci.hcem you FOOL! ============================================================================ ACT ONE SCENE I. sci.hcem you FOOL!. Re: YUO BOZOS SUXXOR! Enter Delani, Ebay, and certain trolls. Ebay Hence! To alt.flame, you idle lusers, get you to alt.flame. And what art thou, besides? 1 tr. D00D! I'm, like, a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD WAREZ WIZARD, D00D!!! Ebay A fourteen year old bozo, it more seems to me, yet something feels amiss. 2 tr. Dude! You've noticed the twelve foot skateboards in our sigs! Delani You had to bloody ask, didn't you Joe. But for what reason are they so excited today? 1 tr. D00d! K1B0's visiting! He, like, flamed out B1FF and brings his COMMODORE 64 in triumph! Ebay B1FF? But that was years ago, wasn't it? And shouldn't you of all people revere him? 2 tr. Dude, but Kibo-- B1FF-- Kobi-- Obik-- er-- Delani O you weary brainless wonders, you lamers, you bozos, you flamers with wit weaker than water, with smarts less than smegma, knew you not B1FF? Many a time did you cheer and bray, and flood feeds both night and day, to see ancient B1FF crow his canker. And do you now bring out your finest .sig? And do you now top-post like a fool? And do you now hail for Hercules, That you do fortieth-handedly believe triumphed over him? Plonk yourselves! Switch ISP, And leave Google's long memory well quit of thee. [Exuent trolls. Think thou they understood one lone word? Ebay Not even I. Yet this rabble attaches to Kibo that which alarms me. Delani They'd double-quote his .sig? Ebay No, the other one. Delani Hail Kibo king? But we do that already, and rightly, besides. Ebay Aye, but if they've learned of B1FF from the archives, they might learn of Altnet's secret weakness, and all Usenet will fall. They be but lame now, but clue pluck'd from Google would bring power too, and keep us all in their rule. We must watch, and consider. [Exuent. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE II. alt.religion.kibology. Re: Deifying Kibo Enter KIBO; Beabilius and Barragius, for sci.physics.electromag; Iarai, Richia and Miccervini; the Arkchyx; Archimedes and Michelervani; a great crowd following, among them a Soothsayer; Delani and Ebay after. Sooth. Kibo! Kibo Now what? Beab. Be still! Peace, you lusers. Sooth. Kibo! Kibo I see a note writ darker than any demi-bold. Speak, and be told why you should seek a job far from pen or screen. Mining mud could possibly your worth redeem. Sooth. Beware the 3,000th of September. Kibo [Aside to Richia] What kook is that? Rich. Some troll from sci.hcem. Kibo Yes, you fool! But see how its plumage has been pasted on with juice squeezed from rotten fungus. And the colour of those feathers couldn't be matched with any additive OR subtractive process. You'd probably have to eat fungal spores from an athelete's jock-strap smeared with rancid butter then throw it all up again, and even then it wouldn't attract enough flies. Sooth. Beware the 3,000th of September. Kibo Indeed. Mind also how the serifs on the miniscules wrench first one way then another. Still, Beabilius and Barragius are to troll sci.physics.electromag: let's go see if my TiVo's recorded the results before they've happened, like that time with whatever that election was in Florida. [Exuent all but Archimedes and Michelervani. Archi. Will you follow them to sci.physics? Mich. Sci.physics posters are RETARDS. Archi. But how will they learn without our help? Mich. They do ARROGANTLY declare that they need not our help. Though there be still a few, a handful of SMART people, who see through the LIES and DECEPTIONS of orthodox physicists and other "scientists". Archi. Michelervani, I remember a long time ago there were groups of people who knew better, and they were not ruled so by these ignorant masses. I am wondering whether we could return to those days, and free Usenet of the scourge call'd Kibology. In all likelihood, any attempt would fail, but what say you? Mich. Many of their minds are closed, but there are GOOD INDICATIONS that the so-called "laws" of Usenet are NOT so strongly in their control. [Flourish and shout without and cross- posts to sci.physics.electromag Archi. What means all this shouting? I do fear all Usenet Choose Kibo for their King. Mich. A few SMART people would NOT accept such pronouncements, though the SELFISH, LAZY, and IMMATURE "scientists" do demand otherwise. There must be an way of ESCAPE. Archi. There is. Mich. You know one? Archi. E'en so. Mich. Why, then, establish your requirements, and let us CONSIDER how we may proceed. Archi. These fools, these Kibologists-- Mich. Those who are GUILTY of COMPLICITY-- Archi. I do share your sentiment. But getting back to the original quest, these Kibologists launch their attacks on Usenet from their home, from their threads in alt.religion.kibology. What follows if they have no home? Mich. Why, they would FALL SILENT, and be still, which must be WORTHY OF SERIOUS CONSIDERATION by ALL Usenet. Archi. It is, but we must proceed with care. We do not attach wings to a reptile and they wait for it to fly. It just does not work that way. Birds from reptiles is not instantaneous. Removing Kibology from Usenet is not instantaneous either. But Usenet with Kibology follows one road, just as all civilization from previous wilderness follows one road, and that road is through an rmgroup. Mich. We should rmgroup alt.religion.kibology? Archi. I would even go so far as to say we must. [Flourish. Shout. Archi. Another! I do fear this acclaim is heap'd on Kibo to the detriment of all Usenet. Mich. They used to believe that LEADERSHIP was DECENTRALIZED, but elevating Kibo would establish a FALSE Spiritual Hierarchy. We must act. [Shout. Flourish. Mich. I am committed. And more. I eagerly await the fray. Re-enter Kibo and his train. Mich. The thread is done, and Kibo is returning. Archi. As they pass, troll Delani with your Purpose of Life manifesto, and he will, with many a snide snipe, tell you what hath proceeded to-day. Mich. I will do so. But look you, Archimedes, The filter doth glow on Kibo's gas mask, And all the rest bring signs in strange faces. Archi. Delani will tell us what the outcome is. Mich. "THE UNIVERSE OF MOTION" contains FINAL SOLUTIONS to most ALL astrophysical mysteries! Archi. See how they laugh. Ark must fall. Kibo Mattias! Micc. Kibo? Kibo See who your trolling hath brought in? Not only Archi-Pu, but Michelervani too. Yon flake looks like he's up to something. Such kooks are dangerous. Micc. Fear him not, Kibo, every time he posts all Usenet collapses in laughter. Mich. The "Laws" of physics and gravitation NOTWITHSTANDING, People CAN and DO walk on the Earth's INNER surface, just as easily as on the outer surface. FOOLS! CEASE your LAUGHTER! Kibo Would they laugh harder! But I fear him not. Yet we should avoid him. He reads much, and posts it over and over and over as if it were his own, and one day he may post something dangerous. The Partridge Family theme arranged for high- voltage doorbells, perhaps. Draw close, for this mask thy voice muffles, and tell me truly what thou think'st of him. [Sennet. Exuent Kibo and his train. Delani Though thy face seems but vague familiar, Michelervani, I am sure that people do walk on the inner surface of your skull. Archi. I doubt not they walk on the outer surface of yours, Delani. But tell us what hath chanc'd today, that the people do shout and bray? Delani Why, Beabilius trolled sci.physics into debating Galactic Federation. Mich. Many IMPORTANT people believe so to be true! Delani Then Kibo proposed voting thou dunces, and the crowd didst speak. Mich. This is ABSURDITY, for Free People-- Archi. Hold. But did they not shout three times? Delani Aye, for then thou wert parodied, and Leader Kibo's wit was loudly proclaim'd. Archi. Thou art villain, and base-- Delani Yet were there three shouts. Archi. Should we be afeared? Delani Aye, for then was Happynet declared. Mich. You CLAIMS I deny, for you are SELF-RIGHTEOUSLY trying to IMPOSE, out of GUILT in COMPLICITY-- Delani Now my memory knows thy name, and surely, I have IMPORTANT INFORMATION, the DISSEMINATION of which is ENCOURAGED. For I his motion for duncehood of thee was second. Archi. I will have thine name dragged from gutter to sewer-- Delani Do so. Till then, farewell. [Exit. Mich. A brute fellow this is. We must act. Archi. Kibologists doth bear us hard; but Usenet doth love them back, or at least so counterfeit. We must proceed to raise Usenet against them, and force a vote. I wilt, in many forgeries through open proxies, in at newsgroups throw, as if they came from several opinions, posts, all tending to the great calamity that Kibology is on Usenet; wherein their ambition shall be glanced at. Mich. And after this, let alt.config unseat them sure. Archi. For we will shake them, or days yet worse endure. [Exuent. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE III. sci.physics.electromag. Re: Lightning comes from the Earth's CORE! Thunder and flaming. Enter Archimedes and Beabillius, killfiles drawn. Beab. Archi-Pu? You, here? Why are you frothing so, e'en more than usual? Archi. There are omens, terrible omens! All the sway of Usenet shakes like a thing unfirm! O Beabillius, I have seen flames when scolding newbies have scorched the very newsfeeds, I have seen rumours of B1FF himself returning, and I have seen th' ambitious multitudes swell, and rage, and foam-- Beab. Thou too! Thou dost so well at it. Took thou lessons? Archi. And rantings, and ravings-- Beab. Imagine such a thing! Why, I have but to close my eyes, and-- Archi-Pu? You, here? Archi. You mock, but never till to-night, never till now, Did I go through such a tempest in Usenet. Either there is civil strife in alt.config, Or else all the groups, too casual with th' Cabal, Incenses them against Kibology. Beab. There is acclamation indeed for Kibo's latest visits, but I yet have seen nor heard nothing against. Are you sure you haven't been out in the sun too long again? Your tinfoil hat still keeps you safe? And besides-- there IS no Cabal! Archi. I ha' but come from Altnet, where against alt.config I met such flames, glancing upon me, and surly rumblings, and grumblings; and there were drawn upon the group a hundred ghastly newbies, transformed with their fury, who swore they would see Happynet fall even at noon-day. They demanded B1FF's return. Beab. And then you left? Archi. And came straight here, my other theories to explain to the benefit of all! Beab. I suspected as much. Archi. But this will be decided by them yet. Comes Kibo to alt.config tomorrow? Beab. He doth, and he did bid me himself to bear word to you: if Happynet proclaimed must be, your presence is greatly desired. Archi. He'd wish me there? This is great flattery! Beab. [Aside] This is great free entertainment, more like. --And your friends, beside. Will we your company enjoy? Archi. [Aside] And bring them down from within. --Thou shalt indeed! Beab. Good night, then, Archimedes; and wear thou tinfoil close, for this disturbed sky is not to walk in. Archi. Farewell, Beabillius. [Exit Beabillius. Enter Michelervani. Archi. Who's there? Mich. A friend to ALL concerned PEOPLE. Archi. Michelervani, by your voice. Mich. You ear is good. Archimedes, what a night is this! Archi. More than you conceive. Kibo himself, not guessing the import of our plans, desires us in alt.config tomorrow. Mich. There be SCHEMES and DUPLICITY laid by SELF-PROCLAIMED EXPERTS. We must COUNTER. Archi. Indeed, they say the Cabal (there is no Cabal) tomorrow mean to establish Kibo as a king. Mich. But all RIGHTEOUS PEOPLE will OPPOSE such a path. Archi. E'en so. E'en us. Our plans are laid-- let us now zig. First to sci.physics, thence to alt.config. [Exuent. TO BE CONTINUED butting Date: Thu, 22 May 2003 13:47:50 -0400 Subject: Re: Julius Kibo (was: Re: american money) In alt.religion.kibology, butting@ihug.co.nz wrote: ACT TWO SCENE I. sci.physics.electromag. Re: Kibology and DECEIT Enter Michelervani, followed by a crowd of sci.physics.electromag posters; among them Archimedes, bearing several masks. Mich. Stars do NOT follow simple free orbits around the center of a galaxy. In globular star clusters, each star is OUTSIDE the gravitational limits of its neighbors, but INSIDE the limit of the AGGREGATE globular cluster, so EQUILIBRIUM DISTANCES are maintained. Likewise, Usenet newsgroups do NOT follow simple theories. Newsgroup equilibriums MUST be PRESERVED. 1 po. Could be that the theories are simple instead? 2 po. Nay, Michelervani's theories be complex. For me at least he is too cunning to be understood. 3 po. Too cunning for reason! 2 po. Ay, indeed! Mich. Newsgroups MUST be outside the LIMITS of their neighbours. While yet INSIDE the limits of ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR! 1 po. And their theories MUST be outside the LIMITS of sanity! 2 po. And deformed! 3 po. Corrupt! Mich. Why, corrupt theories seek thee? Anyone who CAN'T use a computer must be sane, said one sage of Usenet. The universe is like the part in Pat Sajak's hairpiece. Microwave ovens are powered by tiny leprechauns. When you buy an Atari computer you get a little can of paprika for free. The moon is a bowling ball! 1 po. What rot is this? 'Tis nonsense e'en more unfathomable! 2 po. 'Tis bozocity more than Archi-Pu. 3 po. 'Tis a harmless fool, be sure. 2 po. More fool than Michelervani? 3 po. Archimedes is, yet Michelervani fool still be. 1 po. Ay, there be no limits to bozocity. Archi. [Masked] And more, he said! The Universe is actually a Netscape Java virtual machine. And beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable. 1 po. 'Tis harmless yet. 'Tis sure. Mich. Yet he be in authority over all Usenet! The LIMITS of his newsgroup EXCEED their reach, and ALL USENET must ACT! 3 po. This brings caution to mine heart. 2 po. And mine; and I fear I know those words. Archi. [Masked] Red food goes directly to your heart to become blood, and green food goes directly to your gallbladder to turn into vile green bile. 3 po. And I those. Whose voice is that? 2 po. This familiarity to mine ears is disturbing. 1 po. A kook? A nut? Archi. [Another mask] 'Tis Kibo. 2 po. Kibo, thou say? 1 po. Leader Kibo? 3 po. Kibo amok? Mich. I will moderate your newsgroup for you, he said too. And more-- Brett Somers said 'Bazooms!'. I spell relief, "S-M-U-T"! Archi. [A third mask] And many times many, YOU SUCK! 3 po. Kibo? Said that? 2 po. He did'st, countless a time, or mine memory deceives. Archi. [Masked] And he wants more. 1 po. Kibo? That sounds more like-- Archi. [Masked] Kibo is unconfined, and September is near three thousand days advanc'd. To mark this, he would directly seek sway over all Usenet. Mich. Indeed: Kibo would be crown'd. 2 po. This news now strikes my heart with fear. 3 po. We must remedy, sure. 2 po. But how? Archi. [Masked] Usenet, thou sleeps'st. Awake! Mich. Shall Usenet stand under one man's awe? Archi. [Masked] No! Never! 2 po. We must prevent! 1 po. Redress! 3 po. Strike! Archi. [Masked] Night will suddenly turn to day. 2 po. Kibo would a tyrant be if not! Mich. Kibology would ACTIVELY ALLOW that, and all Usenet wouldst follow. Posters [Together] Kibology must fall! 2 po. Find stake! 1 po. Bring volatile! 3 po. And sharpened file! [Exuent posters. Enter Delani. Delani Michelervani, and-- a stranger, a believe. Dost thou mind whence those posters left in such a state? Mich. Indeed! The Net has provided us with an easy way of ESCAPE! Archi. [Masked] There have been too many of these guys who take on an aura of importance far beyond their value. Delani Archimedes, is that thou? There's mischief here, or I'm a newbie. What be thy plans? Mich. All SERIOUS persons must ACCEPT freedom from COUNTERFEIT SPIRITUAL MASTERS! Archi. Agreed. Michelervani, we must depart. [Exuent Archimedes and Michelervani. Delani I fear thy mind I perceive; and the outcome I do grieve. I must warn Kibo, wherever he may be. [Exit. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE II. alt.religion.kibology. Re: Thunder and rumbling. Enter Kibo, in a toga (no pants), followed by Iarai. Kibo Nor Usenet nor email be at peace to-night. Thrice and once more the Arkchyx have cried out, 'Hi, ho, they backstab Kibo!' Ho! Chasius. Jarai Your bidding? Kibo I bid twenty dollars, same as in town, and WIN! You owe me an iMac with decent font support. Prepare my newsreader, fool. Jarai I will. But I broke your Mac myself installing terminal emulators, so you'll have to use NEWS on the VAX. HAW HAW! [Exit. Kibo That's what YOU think. Your VAX is now running an IBM/360 emulator I stole from an MIT dishwasher, and now you'll have to write a TCP/IP stack that can convert ASCII to EBCDIC on the fly. Be careful with NNTP's repeated dots, SUCKER! Enter Darla Viladivsischykvs. Darla What mean you, Kibo? Think you to post? Kibo Kibo shall post; the kooks that troll ne'er brought forth wit as sharp as mine. When they see the complex scientific analyses I face them with of Space:1999, they flee every time! Darla Leader Kibo, I never stood on ceremonies-- Kibo For ceremonies never stood on thee! Darla Thou mock'st, yet now they strike me with fear. The things I have seen and dreamt are most horrid, worse e'en than Shatner singing. All Usenet is in unrest, and trolls, and kooks, do shriek and squeal. Enter Paula Tobileroni Paula And I, also, have dream'd upon this night. Kibo, the kooks do rail and more. I dream'd the kooks raised all Usenet against thee! Enter Stacia Stacia I, too, had dreams of dread! Kibo Usenet didst drive from their midst, and all his followers were shredded in the streets! Enter Tamara Tamara And I, too! Dream'd I that strange figures your kitchen circled, saying, 'Dost thou wish to KILL YOUR POOR MOTHER?' Take mind what this means, I beseech, and beware! Kibo Indeed, I mind what it means. You've been robbing my snacks cupboard before going to bed, and tried sleeping while on a sugar rush. Of COURSE that makes you dream of kooks, it's how kooks dream up kookiness every kooky night. Look at Archi-Pu. Or Miccervini. Or Stuccilimia, or Kevin S. Wilson, wherever they may be. Stacia Yet these kooks would starve Usenet of Kibology! Kibo You're right! I must act! And THANK YOU for reminding me! Paula You'll rise? Kibo I'll eat. I'm hungry, and all this talk nearly put it from my mind. Paula Stacia-- Tamara-- Darla-- Keep him from the pantry! The Knights of ARK stocked it but this morn! Kibo Too late! Here, what first will be? A manly treat! (Yet not on fire!) Men's Pocky, Pocky made expressly for men. It says, 'Darker chocolate covering a delicious crispy pretzel!' It begs! It pleads! I obey. Yum. Darla If you'd just eat the food we made you instead of filling the pantry with junk food and leaving the tables covered in cheap plastic Enterprises and all the cupboard doors open, we wouldn't have to hear of you eat this trash! Tamara Could this be the import of all our dreams? Will Kibo in junkfood be undone? Kibo, leave food! Tend Usenet! Take heed of your grep, lest thou lose thy grip and Kibology be butchered! Kibo Yet more talk of food. You're making me more hungry. And more bored. I need a new and stimulating snack now to try, and luckily the Boston Chapter of the Knights have left me with new and stimulating treats! Stacia We're doomed. Kibo And next-- a Chocolate Hamburger! Paula I have nasty bitter vegetables stowed, Of which he gave me seeds to grow; I wonder if I should colour it blue, and tell him I have something he should stock in his imaginary supermarket. Stacia Worse than the green, blue, and purple meat I got for Thanksgiving Dinner in high school? Tamara We'll need worse than that to stop this frenzy. I fear the kooks' plans may yet succeed. Kibo 'Xylish - Hyper Cool piece type caffeine gum'. That nearly makes sense, but I would still like to know the difference between 'Hyper Cool piece' and 'Hyper Cool piece type.' One piece makes you like a cross between Pokemon and the Fonz, spinning around the room forty times a second while yelling 'AYYYYYY!', and the other piece only pretends to, is my guess. Why do the Knights only give me the PRETEND food? Are they keeping the real gum for themselves? I'll bet THIS gum has taurine in. Darla Critical for cats, and fine too for people's health, but do you REALLY wish to dine on squish'd mouse? Kibo Fear not, for to follow I have 'Glico Watering KissMint Gum - Peach Mint Pink'. I feel pink. And peachy. And minty, and gummy. I hope you're writing this down, this is good copy! I don't like 'Kissy,' though. It's too close to 'sissy.' Stacia Leader Kibo, we must away. Thou shalt be driven from Usenet by the kooks! Paula All Usenet shall be against thee! Tamara You'll KILL YOUR POOR MOTHER! Or, YOU'LL KILL MY POOR MOTHER! Or, YOU'LL KILL SOMEONE'S POOR MOTHER, at any rate! Kibo Cowards dine many times before their deaths: The valiant never taste durians but once. No, wait, I've got that backwards. Never mind! There's fresh treats in the back of this pantry, and more! Darla Arkchyx, we must act, our time here is waste; And we must stop the kooks ourselves with haste. A Mountain Dew Code Orange Alert declare, And take up arms ourselves; we're out of here! [Exuent Arkchyx. Kibo And here, jerky shaped like a novelty-- they're gone. I wonder if they were talking about anything important? Enter Archimedes, in disguise. Archi. Leader Kibo! I have been looking many times for thee today. I believe that Usenet has a unique delight, which we must investigate! Kibo What delight? And didst thou chance to hear what the Arkchyx were raving about like loons? Archi. Why, a new Prudential Star there be-- You must at once away with me! Kibo A Prudential Star? I come at once! Will Michelervani be there? Or Archi-Pu? Someone was looking for them. Archi. They'll be there, I promise! Kibo And food? Archi. And food! Kibo Then away! [Exuent. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE III. alt.config. Re: Leader Kibo must be warned! Enter Delani, reading a draft post. Delani 'Kibo, beware of Archimedes; take heed of Michelervani; come not near sci.hcem, you FOOL!; trust not alt.config. There is but one mind in all these kooks, and it is bent against Leader Kibo. If thou lovest Kibologists, look about you. Bozocity gives way to conspiracy. The Net Gods defend thee! Thy friend, DAVIDI DELANI.' Here must I stand and summon Kibo, And as an old fart will I give him this. If thou read this, O Kibo, thou and thine mayest live; Hence shall I hail thy name to the Net and thy grep, Knowing that thine all-present ears shall hear and summon thee, as in days of old. [Calls] -- Kibo! -- Kibo! -- Leader Kibo! Once, twice, and thrice have I call'd, yet no answer. I must to alt.religion.kibology and hope to intercept him before this way his path doth lead. [Exit. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE IV. sci.physics.electromag. Re: Kibology and DECEIT Enter Ebay and Impisoni; Archimedes in disguise; the Soothsayer after. Ebay Impisoni, this group is in a state; some mischief is at work, make no mistake. Imp. It is certain; the kooks, the trolls, and even the flamers have all fallen silent, and hid themselves close. Stranger; knowest thou what evented here? Archi. I do not have the data and so guessing at them. I suspect that Kibo is plotting to perpetrate-- Imp. Enough! Archi-Pu, I know thy voice, mask'd or no. A bustling rumour, like a fray, comes this way, and the wind brings it from thee. Archi. Then let me discuss what the Atom Totality theory has to say and predict about Kibo. Ebay Discuss to thyself! Impisoni, we must run. Kibo must be warned. [Exuent Ebay and Impisoni. Archi. Kibo! When I looked at his assumption and saw the attack on Dust-Cloud theory, no-one posted any figures. Now please, does anyone know of any evidence? You, fellow? Before thou leave. Sooth. Not I. I go to take my stand, to see him pass on to alt.config. Archi. You think you have a theory for Kibo? Sooth. That I have, kook. If it will please Kibo to be so good to Kibo as to hear me, I shall beseech Kibo to befriend himself. Archi. Do you know of some great matter that shall pass concerning him? Sooth. Not what I know, but what I fear may chance. I go yet; good morrow to you. [Exit. Enter Kibo Kibo Like days of old, I heard my name, and now replete, I am here! Now. What do you bozos have in mind. Hello? Am I talking myself again? Is there not ONE bozo here? Archi. Great Kibo, one friend be here. Kibo You! That was no Prudential. That was a macrame handcraft store run by retired Nixon campaigners. Archi. At this moment, I do not know. But today I looked at alt.config and saw in it a reason, an impelling reason, for Leader Kibo to visit. There is, I feel, the greatest potential of a sharp Usenet action on the upside; wilt thou come? Kibo But Lottissimus was trolling there but three days ago. Can there be anything new there? Archi. For Kibo, there is I believe always something new. Come to alt.config! Kibo [Aside] Though this kook be boring, there may yet be point to it. --Archi-Pu --yes, I know it be you --I shall. [Exuent. TO BE CONTINUED butting Date: Mon, 26 May 2003 02:11:47 -0400 Subject: Re: Julius Kibo (was: Re: american money) In alt.religion.kibology, butting@ihug.co.nz wrote: ACT THREE SCENE I. alt.config. CFV: rmgroup alt.religion.kibology Enter Kibo; Beabillius, Iames Vandenibergi, Iohann Barragius, Lindisi, Talismani; Archimedes and Michelervani; a great crowd following, including the plebeians of sci.physics.electromag; and the Soothsayer. Kibo The three thousandth of September is come. Sooth. Ay, Kibo, but not gone. Mich. Based on information from my sources, we need to CONSIDER the REAL TRUTH. I suspect that you have NOT yet PROTECTED YOURSELF against we SUPERIOR CONSCIOUSNESSES that this thread have instigated. Kibo You know, if I wasn't always having to explain why any theory dreamed up by people who only use TEN PERCENT of their BRAINS while always WRITING LIKE THIS will only ever lead to more bizarre, inept Usenet posts, I could tell you about my secret forms of protection involving mediaeval hockey goalies. Oh, wait, never mind, here they came. Enter Iarai Chasius, Richia Holmius, and Mattias Miccervini. Jarai I bring fried chicken in clown costumes. Holm. And I voice-activated index cards that cry WARNING at the first sign of danger, from a expectant librarian. Micc. And I bring a programming paradigm freshly minted from sugar'd croutons, happiness for the use of, call'd Chocolate Toastie Haddock Unbound Loosens Hackers Unassailable; or CTHULHU for short. Wait, I told that wrong. Kibo Or I could just make a metal detector from rancid slime. Did I not ask you hence with weapons more powerful than Graeme Garden's mind to fight bozosity, that we might Happyness declare? Holm. To fight bozosity, do you say? Leader Kibo, we thought you said that for bozosity fight we! Are we thus challenged by the kooks, then? Kibo No matter; they're Allowed. This vote we must call, before you finish me yourselves with this stupidity. Kibo enters the thread, the rest following. Mich. Kibo is forewarned; I fear our purpose is discovered. Archi. More negativism. These Kibozos are dullards, and our plans shall yet succeed. We never shall turn back. Be constant; we shall join them. Beab. Leader Kibo, all the kooks be here today. James And much sport do they promise us. Barr. We could hook th' one with a PROOF OF GUMMI, and th' other with a cross-species disease o' bees, and set th' first against th' other! James Or we could discuss before them the profound details of the Atom Totality Theory, beginning with Element 96 and ending with Sexy Psychic Plants. But first, is Michelervani another failed kook of history? What say you, Archie-Pu? Archi. I say that the pertinent radius of sanity is lost on dullards of science layered in crises of increasing contradictions. Kibo Kind Jarai, that chicken if you please. Kooks talking kooky make me peckish, and all my chocolate hamburgers are at home. Enter Impisoni, and Ebay. Ebay Kibo, we bring fearsome news. Imp. Archimedes and Michelervani a vote are planning, to unseat Kibology from-- wait, I see by thine smirk thou know'st! Kibo. Indeed! Didn't you read the subject header? Didn't you even notice that we are IN alt.config? I need smarter henchmen. I wonder if any survived the last Bond film? Enter Delani. Delani Leader Kibo, I have search'd all Usenet for thee. The kooks are some mischief planning here in alt.config, the details of which I still seek-- a forged control message, or a vote they did rig-- why is Impisoni sniggering at me? Mich. [Aside to Archimedes] What are we to do? Near all Kibology is here! If we have MISCALCULATED our conspiracy, our aim will surely be deflected! Archi. [Aside to Michelervani] Kibology has what? Has upbeat and happy individuals. And that is all. -- Kibo, art thou ready to meet thy fate? Kibo I am, and though it is but foolishness, I put the question. Shall alt.religion.kibology we disband? Archi. Speak, voters, for me. Kibologists [Together] No. Plebeians [Together] Yes. Ebay Kibo, I yet be feared; this may be close. Mich. Yes. Beab. Will the lurkers not speak? Talis. Archi-Pu some mischief schemes. Archi. [Masked with ARMM] YES. Lind. Indeed, his voice is changed. Archi. YES: YES. Holm. This sound with dread mine ears do hear. Archi. YES: YES: YES. Delani An ARMM! Archi. YES: YES: YES: YES. Jarai Doth Depew play the mockster with us, now? Archi. YES: YES: YES: YES: YES. Micc. Shall this outrage unanswer'd be? Archi. YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES. Lind. No answer can there be. Archi. YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES. Micc. Then Ark must fall, and we are doom'd. Archi. YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES. Barr. This we did not foresee. Archi. YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES. YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES. YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES. YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES. Imp. Kibo? Wilt thou speak? Kibo What, to this? Archi. YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES: YES. Talis. Aye, to this. Kibo Very well. Hold, Archi-Pu. Power-crazed maniacs frequently try to manipulate Usenet at their whim. Of all the Altnet groups I know but one That unassailable holds on their rank, Unshak'd of motion; and alt.config that be. Usenet has spoken, and we must away; And plan to return on some later day. Usenet so speaks? Then fall, Kibo, and Kibology too! [Exuent Kibo, fallen, carried by his train. Archi. Press 'n' to skip. THIS new Usenet carries the AtomTotality header. It behaves just like the X-Newsreader: None header with C-news, at least so far as I can tell. Mich. The vote is in, and in terms of numbers, alt.religion.kibology has FAILED. People have WOKEN UP and WISED UP and GROWN UP, and join'd the few SMART people such as us! Archi. Liberty! Freedom! Usenet now is free Of Kibo's fearful tyranny! Enter a lurker, preparing to post. Mich. Soft, who comes here? His name in the vote I did not see. Lurk. Thus, Archi-Pu, did my fellows bid me scribe; Thus did they bid me post; And, being expos'd, thus they bade me say: Archimedes Plutonium is widely cited, allowed, and quite right. Roberto Michelervani is most noted, a gifted individual, and the authoritative source of scientific data. Kibo was Usenet, in bed with two giant lobsters, and no ordinary bozo. If Archimedes and Michelervani will show that all Usenet may safely follow to them, Then Usenet shall not love Kibo gone so well as Archi-Pu and Michelervani here to stay; but will follow thee both through all the hazards of this unchart'd Net with all true faith. So say my fellow lurkers. Archi. The AtomTotality predicts that from total negativism will be brought forth new ideas and progress. Mich. The new Usenet is CONSISTENT, INTEGRATED, COMPREHENSIVE and GENERALLY UNIFIED. Please keep an OPEN MIND. Lurk. I know not, gentlemen, what you intend, Who else must be purge'd, who else shall flee. Archi. Only be patient till we hath appeas'd the Big Eight, who art beside themselves with alarm, when there we will deliver you the cause of why we have thus proceeded. Mich. For more information, please consult my CITED SOURCES. Lurk. Friends am I with you all, and love you all, upon this hope: that you shall give me reasons why and how Kibo was dangerous. 1 pl. Kibo is a stone. 2 pl. Kibo is a bozo. 3 pl. Kibo is a real poseur. Mich. If Kibo is God, where is his church? Archi. Kibo is overruled. Lurk. That's all I seek; I doubt not your wisdom. Archi. Now then to the Big Eight we must repair, Our varied explanations to render there. [Exuent all but lurker. Lurk. Woe to the votes that fell'd this hallow'd group! O'er thy archives now do I prophesy-- A curse shall light upon the 'feeds of kooks; Killfiles and cancelbots shall be so use'd, That readers but shudder when they behold Usenet savaged by the fierce floods of war; And Kibo's spirit, ranging for revenge, With Teo by his side, emerge anew; And in this same group with a Leader's voice Cry 'Lamer!' and let slip the flames of war. Revenged yet shall Kibology be. [Exit. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE II. sci.physics.electromag. Re: An end to bozosity Enter Archimedes and Michelervani; the plebeians of sci.physics.electromag; all kooks and trolls after. 1 pl. Explanation! 2 pl. Give us an explanation! Archi. Michelervani and myself shall speak, And to all Usenet our reasons we shall give. Those that will hear us speak, let them stay here; And public reasons shall be rendered Of Kibology's demise. All We will hear. [Archi. and Mich. ascend the pulpit. 3 pl. Archimedes and Michelervani are ascended. Silence! Archi. Friends, 'scientists,' and Earth humans! let me blurt out what is on my mind. Any person can argue against and dismiss another. But the smart and wise person listens and expands something it. Hope this helps you to become smarter persons rather than remaining obtuse. Mich. It is PRETTY OBVIOUS to all SMART persons that Kibology was ERRONEOUS. Archi. Kibology is a fake theory and uninteresting. The difference between a smart man and a not-smart man is the smart man understands which theories should take priority. Mich. Fortunately, a few SMART people such as ourselves foresaw the rapid destruction of Usenet that Kibology would bring. Usenet was ENRAGED! Archi. Smart Usenet posters: is it better to not post, or never post to the Newsgroups and be thought a average person or even maybe a smart person, than, to post and show all Usenet, for all time, that you are a fool? One feature of Kibozos is that they posted all the time, and showed what fools they were! Usenet posters today are smarter. Mich. The rapid elevation of Kibo was the LAST STRAW. Archi. Yet if there be any in this assembly, any dear friend of Kibo's, to him I say that Archimedes' love to Kibo was no less than his. If then that friend demand why Archimedes rose against Kibo, this is my answer: Not that I lov'd Kibo less, but that I lov'd Usenet more. Mich. Would you rather Kibo were POSTING, and MAKING THE PEOPLE SUFFER? Archi. Who here is so base that he would be bound to Kibo? Mich. Who would be so DECEIV'D as to follow the kibozos? Archi. Would any here be so vile as to be attracted by hateful people? Any? If any, speak. I pause for reply. All None! 1 pl. Yet Kibologists on Usenet there still may be. Mich. These Kibologists must be driven from Usenet by ALL CONSCIOUS LIVING INTELLIGENT BEINGS. Archi. Some will say it is a post death reaction like a frog with its legs cut off responding to environment stimulus. Enter the Knights of Ark, bearing Kibo's gas mask. Here comes his mask, mourn'd by his Knights, who though they bozos be, shall receive a place in Usenet, as which of you shall not? With this we depart: that, as we slew Usenet's best poster for the good of the Net, we have the same killfile for ourselves, when it shall please Usenet to desire our deaths. [Archi. and Mich. come down. All Never! Live, Archimedes! Live, Michelervani! 1 pl. Give them a statue of an atom, the electrons for stars! 2 pl. Let them be Kibo. 3 pl. Kibo's better parts shall in Archi-Pu be crown'd! Jarai Yet Kibo's better parts are here display'd. 1 pl. We'll burn with flames like we did his newsgroup! Archi. Peace! Let them grace Kibo's loss, and grace his glories lost. Micc. Though it be but rarely seen in thee, thou and Michelervani most gracious be. Mich. We thank you, and away. [Aside to Archi.] They THREATEN to subvert, but NO Kibozos will escape! Archi. [Aside to Mich.] Indeed. This their downfall be. [Exit Archi. and Mich. Holm. We entreat you, no poster yet depart Before we three, the knights of Ark have spoke. 1 pl. Stay, ho! and let us hear the bozos out. 3 pl. We'll hear them. Bozo knights of Ark, go up. [The Knights ascend the pulpit. Jarai Kooks, trolls, and Usenetters, lend us your ears; We come to bury Kibo, not to praise him. The noble Archimedes hath told you that Kibo was a bozo; And who smarter than Archimedes be? Micc. Here, with leave of Archimedes and friends-- For Archi-Pu is friend to all smart man; And so are you all, all very smart men-- Come we to speak in Kibo's funeral. Holm. He was our friend, faithful and just to us; But Archi-Pu says he was bozotic. Kibo posted many quick quips and japes And Usenet o'erflowing with merriment was. Micc. Happynet did Kibo promise us all-- Bozos, non-bozos, megabozos all-- United, and Allowed. Jarai But Archi-Pu says he was a bozo. An sure he and his friends are all smart man. Micc. To Usenet he brought joy, and playfulness; Surely not pleasing in any smart man. Holm. You all did love him once, not without cause; O Usenet, thou art sunk to brutish beasts And posters have lost their reason! 1 pl. Methinks there is much reason in their sayings. 2 pl. Kibo has had great wrong. 3 pl. Has he? He would have claim'd the crown! 2 pl. 'Tis not so, and the Knights have here prov'd; Kibo would Happynet declare. 1 pl. 'Tis certain he was no ordinary bozo. Jarai We come not, friends, to steal away your hearts; We are not smart, as Archimedes is, But, as you know us all, are plain blunt men That lov'd our friend, who often lov'd to sport. Holm. Friends, here we have parchment by Kibo seal'd, Found in his pantry, obscur'd by miso-- 'Tis his will. Micc. Let but the commons hear it, And we can then with peace let Kibo lie. All. The will, the will! 2 pl. We would hear Kibo's will! Jarai Here is the will, and under Kibo's ketchup stains: Because everyone is equal before the eyes of wise Leader Kibo, it was decided that EVERYONE WILL HAVE THEIR OWN GROUP on HappyNet. 1 pl. Our own groups! 2 pl. Bequeath'd by Kibo! 3 pl. Traitors, we were! Holms. There's more. Net access will be provided to EVERY SINGLE PERSON, LIVING, UNBORN, OR DEAD. 1 pl. O grief! Kibo hath been wrong'd! 2 pl. O piteous spectacle! 3 pl. O noble Kibo! 4 pl. O woeful day! 2 pl. O traitors, villains! 1 pl. Kibo will be reveng'd. 1 tr. [Aside to kooks and trolls] I like not the way this goes. We must go hence, and warn Archimedes, and Michelervani too. And all Kibozos found must be killfiled, lest this madness spreads. [Exuent trolls and kooks. Micc. Moreover, he hath left you all his .sigs, His private archives, and newly-stocked pantry, On this shar'd Usenet; he hath left them you, And to your heirs for ever--common pleasures, To post amongst and educate yourselves. Jarai Here was a Leader! When comes such another? 1 pl. Never, never! Come away, away! We'll flame the kooks, let roast on Usenet's hearth! 2 pl. And with our killfiles we'll brand the kooks' addresses. [Exuent plebeians. Holm. Archimedes and Michelervani are doom'd to counter. Micc. And that same doom we'll bring to them ourselves. Jarai Knights, away: our battle we must plan. [Exuent. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- SCENE III. sci.hcem you FOOL! Re: Poor Spot! Enter Spot. Spot I dreamt to-night that I was allowed to feed by Kibo's feet. What joy! Enter Arkchyx, by another entrance. Stacia Who's there? Methinks I voice I didst hear. Paula No voice; but a little dog see I o'er there. Tamara A little dog? That's Spot! Darla Spot? Out alone? But Spot's not allowed! Tamara Poor Spot! Spot [Aside] But of things unlucky my dreams do talk, And I have no master to take me for a walk. Stacia He seems sad. Paula Poor Spot! Spot [Aside] Yet something leads me forth this night. Maybe I'll find new friends! Enter trolls. 1 tr. What is your name? 2 tr. Whither are you going? 3 tr. Where do you dwell? Arkch. [Together] Answer, Spot! 1 tr. And answer briefly. 2 tr. Ay, and wisely. 3 tr. Ay, and truly. Darla Speak, Spot! Tamara But dogs can't talk! Stacia Not even Spot? Paula He's not Allowed. Stacia Poor Spot! 4 tr. Are you Allowed? Spot Oh no! Arkch. [Together] Poor Spot! 1 tr. His mouth is stopped! 2 tr. No sound I hear! Spot WAHHHH! Help! Help! 3 tr. No speech, but barks and howls like a bozo. 2 tr. A Kibologist, an' I would swear so! 1 tr. Tear him to pieces! 2 tr. Tear him, tear him! Fire-brands! To Archimedes'! To Michelervani's! Burn all! [Exuent trolls with Spot. Darla. Spot, till now, was a happy dog. But fortune was his foe. Arkch. [Together] Poor Spot! [Exuent. TO BE CONTINUED butting Date: Mon, 26 May 2003 02:17:58 -0400 Subject: Re: Julius Kibo (was: Re: american money) In alt.religion.kibology, butting@ihug.co.nz wrote: Jeremy Impson wrote: >> Enter Impisoni, and Ebay. >> >> Ebay Kibo, we bring fearsome news. >> >> Imp. Archimedes and Michelervani a vote are planning, to unseat >> Kibology from-- wait, I see by thine smirk thou know'st! > > WHY must I CARRY such a BOZO in EVERY ONE of my scenes? I mean, COME ON! > I'm doing all the WORK, but he's getting all the SECS. ah! a valid question, gentle Impisoni, and one that justifies a closer look behind the scenes in the boiler rooms of creativity here at Defenestrative Solutions. attend. in actual fact, all of the non-lead (ie., everyone except Archimedes, Michelervani, and Leader Kibo himself) and non-group lines are written with *no* speaker indications: : Enter BOZO1, and BOZO2. : : BOZO1 Kibo, we bring fearsome news. : : BOZO2 Archimedes and Michelervani a vote are planning, to unseat : Kibology from-- wait, I see by thine smirk thou know'st! this speeds the writing up, and frees me from trivial concerns such as (a) consistency in characterisations, and (b) continuity. of course, I'd never post an incomplete work like that. so, you ask, how do I assign speeches? well, that's where some magic Perl scripts come into play! first, I go back through the draft and rate each line for bozosity: : Enter 12,768, and 2.73E19. : : 12,768 Kibo, we bring fearsome news. : : 2.73E19 Archimedes and Michelervani a vote are planning, to unseat : Kibology from-- wait, I see by thine smirk thou know'st! an emacs macro keeps track of substitutions for me; when I enter a rating for a speech line, the entry/exit lines are updated as well. nifty, hey? then, I check that my bozosity file (compiled with the aid of ark's most respected posters, and updated daily from the newsfeed) is up to date: : [tristero] butting$ cat bozos.txt : bdc@world.std.com (Bria BOZO : Rich Holmes