Date: Sat, 22 May 1999 00:12:06 -0400
Subject: Re: More about Jar-Jar Binks's semi-edible tongue
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.food.pez
Status: R

Kibo writes:

Earlier tonight, I wrote:
>
> [...]
> 
> The "Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Candy Tongue" lollipop.
> 
> It's one of those modern rethinkings of the traditional lollipop, i.e.
> it's a lollipop with some plastic around it to raise the price to more
> than any human should have to pay for half an ounce of sugar on a stick.
> You know, these things are usually motorized and light up and talk and
> stuff.  In this case, a large plastic plunger (looking exactly the same
> as the ones that two-part epoxy comes in) has a big head of Jar Jar Binks
> on the end.  When you ram the plunger home, Jar Jar's mouth opens and his
> long red tongue protrudes.
> 
> And you're supposed to lick it.  YOU are supposed to lick Jar Jar's tongue.
> His tongue is artificial cherry flavor.

Okay, I'm eating it now.  Ewww.  I am sucking on Jar Jar's wet red tongue
and his plastic lips keep brushing my nose.  This is vile.

Know how there are two variants of artificial cherry?  There's the dark
red kind (sometimes labelled "wild cherry" or "black cherry"), which is the
flavor in good cough syrup (and Cherry Pez, the most perfect food known
to science), and then there's the magenta kind, which is used only in really 
cheap chewy lollipops you get from your barber, and in bad cough syrup.

Jar Jar's tongue is, technically, magenta.  And it tastes magenta.
It tastes like cough syrup that costs fifty cents a quart, only without
the rubbing alcohol for the winos.  The artifical cherry flavor has a
strong "strawbana" component.

And, being a cheap lollipop, it is a little chewy -- I can bite off pieces
of it without it breaking.  And yes, those little bumps all over Jar Jar's
tongue in the movie have been faithfully replicated in the form of sharp
little warts about the size of chopped peanuts on your sundae.

The damn thing keeps slamming shut and biting me in the nose.

I wish it would hurt me so I could sue.

It's made by Cap Candy, the people who brought you the motorized Pez dispenser
with no cartoon character on it, and other atrocities.  Cap Candy, aka Cap
Toys, is a division of OddzOn, which is a subsidiary of Hasbro, the people
who make all the "Star Wars" toys that aren't Legos and therefore suck.

Except that "Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Candy Tongue" is the one that
makes YOU suck.  While it bites you.

Jar Jar's body is made in China but his tongue is made in Mexico.
I'd almost rather have any other kind of Mexican candy (I said "almost"
because it might be a packet of fermented tamarinds with the seeds left in.)

Because this candy is intended for the terminally stupid, it has instructions
with diagrams of the two steps (1. hands holding Jar Jar with his mouth
closed, 2. hands holding Jar Jar with his mouth open) captioned "Push plunger
forward to eject candy tongue."  Oh, would that it could actually be ejected.

And, amazingly, next to those instructions are slightly larger letters
which say "MONSTER MOUTH IS EASY TO USE!"

    "Mommy, mommy, buy me the Jar Jar candy."

    "Well, it's all sugar, and it's really stupid, and it's seven dollars
     for this lollipop, but all that's okay.  I'd buy it for you except for
     one thing... you're too dumb to operate it."

    "Waah!  But look, mommy, it says it's easy to use!"

    "Oh, all right."

And speaking of it being all sugar, it weighs 19 grams (the edible part,
not the huge plastic part you can play with if you like having a plunger
connected to a Jar Jar head with no tongue any more) and the nutritional
information says its carbohydrate content is 19 grams, and the amount
of that which is sugar is -- surprise! -- 18 grams.  THE OTHER GRAM MUST
BE THE POISONOUS RED DYE!  Which must be a carbohydrate.  Like sugar.
But different.

It says it's patented.  Digging up the patent yielded this claim:

 -> What is claimed: 
 ->     1. A holder and enclosure for an elongated object which comprises a
 -> cylindrical main housing having a smooth inner surface along a length
 -> thereof, a secondary cylindrical housing having smooth inner and outer
 -> surfaces along a length thereof, said secondary housing having one end
 -> that fits into a bottom end of said main housing and said one end supports
 -> said elongated object, a split cap secured to and enclosing an upper end
 -> of said main housing, said split cap being biased in a closing direction
 -> by a biasing spring means, and said main housing having a stop cap (12) on
 -> a bottom end thereof and said secondary housing having an end cap (40) on
 -> a bottom end thereof.  

COMMANDER RIKER, FIRE THE BIASING SPRING!  PREPARE TO SEPARATE THE
SECONDARY HOUSING FROM THE ELONGATED OBJECT!  
(theme music begins playing for the fifth time so far during the pilot episode,
while Mr. Data jumps to his feet and rattles off a list of types of candy
until you want to punch him almost as much as you want to punch Jar Jar Binks.)

Looking at my receipt from the overpriced candy store, I see that I bought
1.33 pounds of bulk candy (all the blue stuff) for $10.05, because their
bulk candy is $7.56 per pound.  The other item on the receipt is Jar Jar,
at $6.99 for 19 grams.  19 grams is .04 pound, hence Jar Jar costs

ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN DOLLARS PER POUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So the next time some person who is a big fan of trivia but has only ever
learned five trivia items tells you "Hey, did you know that saffron is
the most expensive foodstuff per pound?" you should shove Jar Jar's tongue
into his mouth and laugh at his lack of knowledge of stupid candy.
You're better than he is because I've warned you about Jar Jar.

How the hell am I supposed to eat the part at the back of his throat?
Can I stop now?  Please?