Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2006 21:25:48 -0400 Subject: [ark] Re: And you thought Letterman's "Top Ten" lists were lame... In-Reply-To: In alt.religion.kibology, kibo@world.std.com wrote: >From the comic-book-colored pages of USA Today, it's News You Can Use! For very small values of "can". [www.usatoday.com] -> -> Influential people list -> Updated 10/17/2006 -> -> The 101 most influential people who never lived: -> -> IMAGINARY LUMINARIES: Famous, yet fictional -> -> 1. The Marlboro Man But... he died of lung cancer. So either he was real, or there's now a form of cancer that can even kill imaginary people. Oh no! Cookie Monster's in danger from Elmo's secondhand smoke! Geez, is this whole list going to be this crappy? -> 2. Big Brother But if he's not real how come he has a TV show named after him? He's at least as real as The Simpsons! I know they're real because they built that house for them to live in near Las Vegas. -> 3. King Arthur Yeah, lots of other people whose names are printed on old coins are imaginary too, 'cause they died long before reality was invented. I think officially the jury's still deliberating over whether King Arthur was "real" or not. There certainly were some ancient rulers in what is now Britain who had similar names, just no magical adventures involving Monty Python. -> 4. Santa Claus (St. Nick) This reporter's going to get a lump of coal in his stocking. Mushy brown coal that smells like the back half of a horse. -> 5. Hamlet Also, exactly what "influence" did these people have? Hamlet killed some other imaginary people. How does that make him more "influential" than Ming The Merciless, who killed a far greater number of imaginary people? -> 6. Dr. Frankenstein's Monster BZZZZZZT! This is supposedly a list of "people who never lived", not "people made from pieces of people who lived". -> 7. Siegfried Roy cried! -> 8. Sherlock Holmes His influence extends to... um... well, they talk about him a lot on "Star Trek". So he's just as important as Surak or Khan Noonian Singh. The difference is that you could see those guys walking around, but Sherlock Holmes was just someone Mr. Data liked to play dress-up as. Therefore, I have proven Sherlock Holmes was less real than Khan Noonian Singh. -> 9. Romeo and Juliet And let's not forget that imaginary "Shakespeare" guy who was really just a collaboration between Francis Bacon, Roger Bacon, the alien pyramid-builders, and Nikola Tesla. -> 10. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde What, not Dracula? Was he too real for this list -- unlike King Arthur and the Marlboro Man? -> 11. Uncle Tom Well, of course he wasn't real, because nobody ever owned any slaves. Slavery was made up by the greeting-card industry, just like the Holocaust and Valentine's Day! -> 12. Robin Hood Of course Robin Hood's imaginary -- no man would ever be named "Robin". Unless he's living with Batman. Hey, Batman should be way above Robin Hood. Robin Hood's just a legend, but Batman's still doing stuff! And Superman could kick the ass of anyone else on this list. He should be #1, #2, and #3. Batman could be #4, then there should be no #5 through #98. #99 is Robin, #100 is the Riddler. -> 13. Jim Crow See, once again, more evidence that everything connected to slavery is fictional. Gary Kasparov and Henry Ford were right -- all "history" before whatever year I was born was made up! It was all made up by God on the same day that he buried all those fake fossils just because God wanted to trick everyone into believing in evolution! -> 14. Oedipus Your mama. -> 15. Lady Chatterly Once again, I question the "influential"-ness of the names on this reporter's demonstration that he or she can think up a list of public-domain characters. -> 16. Ebenezer Scrooge Scrooge McDuck was more influential, given his involvement in South American politics according to "Como Leer el 'Pato Donald'". -> 17. Don Quixote Okay, I'll grant him some influence, since he did manage to kill that guy who was trying to play him in that movie Terry Gilliam couldn't even get half-finished enough to release it. -> 18. Mickey Mouse He's not influential! He's just a SELL-OUT! Also, not a PERSON! HE'S A FUCKING MOUSE!!! A very deformed one, but still a MOUSE! -> 19. The American Cowboy Wait, wait, wait. How come the Marlboro Man is #1 but he's just an instance of a class which is collectively #19? And also, weren't there really some cowboys? I know because I used to have one of those Apple Performas that came with an educational CD-ROM about how there were plenty of gay cowboys. -> 20. Prince Charming And every Tuesday, he'd run through Boston's North End squeezing toilet tissue. Hey, how come little Anthony and Mr. Whipple aren't on this list? As a bonus, the redheaded stockboy that Mr. Whipple kept taking the toilet tissue away from grew up to be one of the guys on "MythBusters", which makes Mr. Whipple slightly more real by association. Unless you're trying to tell me "MythBusters" is also imaginary, in which case I demand all their experiments be repealed so that I can use a sheet of plywood as a parachute. -> 21. Smokey Bear Again, NOT IMAGINARY. The original Smokey was an actual bear cub who died in a forest fire and was then commemorated by being replaced with a cartoon character who could never, ever suffer such a tragic fate, and who wore pants. -> 22. Robinson Crusoe I say Friday was more influential. He solved all those crimes (hippies did it) and opened a chain of restaurants. -> 23. Apollo and Dionysus Then Zeus saw this list and spent the rest of the day crying into his ambrosia. -> 24. Odysseus Okay, I've run out of things to say about this list of random non-existent people who apparently had great influence despite not even existing. -> 25. Nora Helmer Who? Okay, I just looked her up. Now we're down to characters from Henrik Ibsen plays. 'Cause I guess she was important and the reporter hadn't heard of other characters from important works of legitimate theater such as Willy Loman or Stella or Rum-Tum-Tugger. -> 26. Cinderella I say the Fairy Godmother was more important, because drag queens never dress up as Cinderella. -> 27. Shylock Why not just make an alphabetical list of everyone Shakespeare ever mentioned and then trot out Patrick Stewart and Henry Winkler to explain to us that Shakespeare was the only great writer who ever lived? And speaking of Patrick Stewart and Henry Winkler, where's my Picard? Where's my Fonzie? Where's my Edward G. Robinson saying "Where's your Fonzie now, nyah?" -> 28. Rosie the Riveter If she wasn't real, then how did we win the war? -> 29. Midas If he wasn't real, then why does he run all those TV commercials for his chain of automotive proctology shops? -> 30. Hester Prynne Oh, right, everyone loves Nathanial Hawthorne, because... zzzzz. (LOUD SNORING FOR FIVE HUNDRED HOURS) Seriously, we need to invent time machines just so we can go back and make American Literature classes have something to read that isn't incredibly tedious. I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU, HENRY JAMES, NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE, AND HERMAN MELVILLE. Apparently other than Mark Twain, olden-time Americans saw their mission to be really, really, really serious all the time. Really. Really. Zzzzzzz. -> 31. The Little Engine That Could NOT A PERSON! So if the reporter has expanded this list to be "The 100 Most Influential People And Other Objects Who Never Lived", then it needs to be restructured like so: 1. Rocks 2. Fire 3. Water 4. Quarks 5. Horses 6. Superman -> 32. Archie Bunker This list definitely sucks. Fonzie, Captain Kirk, and Alan Alda aren't above a guy who starred in the formulaic "Hey, Look! The Dumb Racist Is Being Dumb!" show? -> 33. Dracula Again, DRACULA WAS SORT OF REAL. He may not have been able to change into a little cardboard bat that flew around on a string, but we know he was real because they built that theme park on his gravesite. -> 34. Alice in Wonderland And again, SORT OF REAL, given that Lewis Carroll was only writing those stories so that he could have something to read to li'l Alice Liddell while she sat in his lap and bounced up and down for hours and hours. Please move Alice In Wonderland over to "great works of art created by pedophiles" list, along with Billy Jean and that Arthur C. Clarke story about how the Venusians thinks Mickey Mouse was real. Mickey Mouse stays on this list, though, 'cause Disney hated women of any age or gender. -> 35. Citizen Kane Killer Kane from "Buck Rogers" should be above him. Actually, maybe not. It's a good question whether a ray gun is more powerful than a publishing conglomerate. I call dibs on making a movie about Kane vs. Kane. Orson Welles would play both of them, as well as a giant robot named Unicron and a tiny one named Twiki. -> 36. Faust Yeah, he was made-up, unlike the Devil, who works at your local motor-vehicle bureau. -> 37. Figaro So now we're down to characters from operas being "influential"? I guess we already had Siegfried, but he was technically around long before operas were invented. I recall that even Beowulf said Siegfried was an outdated has-been. Hey, where's Beowulf? Come on, USA Today, I could pull better filler out of my ass. -> 38. Godzilla Again, NOT A PERSON. If we're extending the list to fictional prehistoric mosnters, King Kong should be above Godzilla (except when the list is published in Japanese) and at the very top of that list should be that butterfly you could travel back in time and step on in order to make Hitler the President but everything else would be exactly the same. -> 39. Mary Richards Nuh-uh. Robert Petrie was far more influential. And Alan Brady was even more influential. He created the bowling pin sketch! -> 40. Don Juan The one who was on "Star Trek", or the one Carlos Castaneda wrote about? -> 41. Bambi NOT A PERSON, DAMMIT! -> 42. William Tell The Lone Ranger's more important. -> 43. Barbie Raggedy Ann's more important. -> 44. Buffy the Vampire Slayer JESUS H. MACY, this list is idiotic. "Here is a list of some books I have heard of and the only two comic strips and TV shows I've seen in the past day and also Dracula and King Arthur." -> 45. Venus and Cupid Again, Zeus could kick all their asses. Any why not cut to the chase and just put down Jesus and God and the Holy Ghost? -> 46. Prometheus How about Atlas? He held up all the stuff that all these other guys were sitting on their asses on. -> 47. Pandora I envision at this point the reporter spent about five minutes thinking, "Pandora? Endora? Eudora? Pandora? Endora? Eudora?" I say Eudora's more important because she keeps opening this box filled with all the spam in the world. -> 48. G.I. Joe Not as influential as Legos, which count because you can make people out of them -- you can even make life-size Lego people, so they're exactly 12x as influential as G.I. Joe. And what about Lincoln Logs? Without them, Lincoln would never have been born, and we'd be carrying around blank pennies! -> 49. Tarzan I'll grant that he _was_ influential, as he did have a California suburb named after him. On the other hand, there's also a Saugus, California which is named after Saugus, Massachusetts. So I'd say that if you put Tarzan on this list you also have to put Saugus on this list of funny names that aren't people the reporter knew personally. -> 50. Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock Finally! Except they shouldn't have to share a number, and they were a little more important than BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. Cell phones and Tom Kraemer's air conditioner's remote control are designed to look like Kirk's toys, not Buffy's. -> 51. James Bond And where's the entire class of ninjas? If we can have "The American Cowboy" on this list, we better have some ninjas, some pirates, America's firefighters, and the Apple store's Genius Bar too. -> 52. Hansel and Gretel What about Jack from "Jack And The Beanstalk" and "Little Jack Horner" and "Jack Be Nimble" and "Jack And Jill"? He was a jack of all trades! -> 53. Captain Ahab Allow me to summarize this entire list: "Hi, I write for USA Today. Shakespeare and Nathaniel Hawthorne are more important than 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer', which was more important than Herman Melville, especially because Buffy was in a movie before she was on TV. Writing for newspapers is fun! Tee-hee! Oh no, I dropped my Popsicle!" -> 54. Richard Blaine Who? Oh, they mean _Rick_ from "Casablanca". Movie characters more influential than him: Darth Vader Indiana Jones Hannibal Lecter Willy Wonka Tom Cruise -> 55. The Ugly Duckling I already said "Tom Cruise". Also, NOT A PERSON. -> 56. Loch Ness Monster (Nessie) NOT!!! A!!! PERSON!!! DAMMIT!!! -> 57. Atticus Finch The mockingbird will presumably get a separate entry, right between the Phoenix and Tweety Bird. -> 58. Saint Valentine So Cupid is very influential, but Saint Valentine isn't? Exactly what mathematical algorithm was used to sort this list? -> 59. Helen of Troy But she still wasn't as influential as Helen Of Albany or Helen Of New York City. She wasn't even as influential as Helen Of Schenectady, and that's pretty pathetic when you think about it for six hours. -> 60. Batman No way is Buffy more influential than Batman. Buffy's not even as influential as Bane. I mean, Bane's a steroid-abusing Mexican wrestler who snapped Batman in half like a twig and put Batman in a wheelchair and then Batman got better because Batman's got more super powers than Christopher Reeve. Christopher Reeve should be on this list of heroes, too, but I think actors count as real. Except for Mickey Mouse. That's 'cause he doesn't actually _act_ in anything, he just poses for product labels. -> 61. Uncle Sam The poster, or the cereal? I vote for the latter as being more influential, because "I WANT YOU" was just a rip-off of Alexander Graham Bell's catchphrase, but "A NATURAL LAXATIVE" is something you can use. -> 62. Nancy Drew How come we had "The Little Engine That Could" and Nancy Drew but not The Poky Little Puppy or the Moon from "Goodnight, Moon"? And where's Spot? -> 63. J.R. Ewing ... and Doctor Who, and Pee-Wee Herman, and the "Knight Rider" car, and Potsie, and the little girl robot from "Small Wonder", and Lancelot Link, and the Great Gazoo, and Murphy Brown, and Maggie Simpson, and Ben Stiller, and ... -> 64. Superman FINALLY we get Superman. He captured Hitler over and over, you know. Buffy never ever punched Hitler once! -> 65. Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn I always liked Mark Twain's writings about another famous imaginary swindler, that "Mary Baker Eddy" character. I know she's fictitious because no real human could have a "Reading Room" immediately adjacent to a "Library For The Betterment Of Humanity(tm)" with both of those libraries being devoted to A SINGLE BOOK. -> 66. HAL 9000 NOT... A... PERRRRRRrrrrrrrsssyy yourrrr answerrrrrr doooo... -> 67. Kermit the Frog NOT!!! A!!! Oh, fuck it, I give up, I'll just finish the list for this reporter. The rest of the 101 Most Influential People: 68. Silly String 69. Wombats 70. The schwa 71. I like mittens! 72. Buy butter 73. Ha ha this got me out of writing an article on the nuclear war in North Korea 74. Shoes 75. Pinocchio 76. The number "seventy-six" 77. The year 1977 78. New Improved Silly String 79. The Wizard Of Speed & Time 80. Fozzie Bear 81. Yogi Bear 82. The Twilight Zone 83. The Boogeyman / Slim Goodbody 84. Pez 85. X|O|X -+-+- O|X| -+-+- X|O|O Bob owes me a Coke 86. USA Today 87. That guy in "Saw" with the spirals on his face but I didn't see the movie but the trailers showed a picture of him 88. Dumb Dora from "Match Game" 89. Kaiser Soze 90. Mr. Softee 91. Pac-Man 92. Socks The Cat 93. Itchy & Scratchy 94. That one time when Garfield was so funny like I put it up on the office wall and we laughed and laughed every time we saw it because we have lots of fun here at USA Today 95. The "Dude, You're Getting A Dell!" guy 96. Bizarro 97. Bizzaro 98. Bizzarro, one of these must be right 99. I can't find my mittens oh here they are, MITTENS!!! 100. Spirograph 101. Mr. Hankey There, all done. Now let's see if the rest of the reporter's list was as smart as mine was: -> 68. Sam Spade -> -> 69. The Pied Piper -> -> 70. Peter Pan -> -> 71. Hiawatha -> -> 72. Othello -> -> 73. The Little Tramp -> -> 74. King Kong -> -> 75. Norman Bates -> -> 76. Hercules (Herakles) -> -> 77. Dick Tracy -> -> 78. Joe Camel -> -> 79. The Cat in the Hat -> -> 80. Icarus -> -> 81. Mammy -> -> 82. Sindbad -> -> 83. Amos 'n' Andy -> -> 84. Buck Rogers -> -> 85. Luke Skywalker -> -> 86. Perry Mason -> -> 87. Dr. Strangelove -> -> 88. Pygmalion -> -> 89. Madame Butterfly -> -> 90. Hans Beckert -> -> 91. Dorothy Gale -> -> 92. The Wandering Jew -> -> 93. The Great Gatsby -> -> 94. Buck (Jack London, The Call of the Wild) -> -> 95. Willy Loman -> -> 96. Betty Boop -> -> 97. Ivanhoe -> -> 98. Elmer Gantry -> -> 99. Lilith -> -> 100. John Doe -> -> 101. Paul Bunyan Yeah, that Betty Boop sure changed the world when her sensible economic policies brought an end to the Depression. But don't give me any of the credit, because I voted for Daffy Duck that year. The run from #81 to #83 is noteworthy: Blackface, extremely square black stand-up comedian, blackface. It's like an Oreo of lameness. -- K. We should set up a tournament system where we pair these people off and let them fight to determine the victor: -> 86. Perry Mason VERSUS -> 87. Dr. Strangelove IN THE WHEELCHAIR ARENA OF DEATH! -> 88. Pygmalion VERSUS -> 89. Madame Butterfly RAINING BLOWS ON EACH OTHER IN SPAIN! -> 90. Hans Beckert VERSUS -> 91. Dorothy Gale SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW IN THE HALL OF THE MOUNTAIN KING! I would pay to see any of those. Except the one with Madame Butterfly. That's just a dumb idea.