Date: Sun, 13 Oct 2002 18:29:53 -0400
Subject: Re: If You Could Be Granted 1 Wish...
Status: R

In alt.religion.kibology, kibo@world.std.com wrote:

Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote:
>  James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
>  >  [...] and then your head would swell up and go bald and you'd wander
>  >  around the town yelling "YOUR IGNORANCE MAKES ME ILL AND ANGRY!"
>  >  while you kill people with your mind?
>  >
>  >  If so, then Finland's at least half as weird as I think it is.
>  
>  I finally figured it out.
>  
>  Reading Kibo while in a normal state of mind is like reading any other 
>  average Kibologist while stoned out of your mind on legal painkillers.

See, it actually makes so much sense that it was so obvious that I almost
didn't post it, but I'll explain it so that you can stop making me so
ill and angry.  We were talking about how superintelligent beings would
have six fingers, so I quoted David McCallum in the black and white
"Outer Limits" episode "The Sixth Finger", in which he is exposed to
radiation which turns him from an Irishman into a super-intelligent guy
with a big bald head and six fingers, which allows him to play the piano
(I guess he was originally born without a piano finger) and then he goes
on a rampage and uses his brain to knock of cop off his motorcycle and
says "YOUR IGNORANCE MAKES ME ILL AND ANGRY! YOUR SAVAGENESS MUST END!"
and then they show the opening titles and then it all happens again except
that this time they show the episode all the way through, and instead
of ending the motorcycle cop's savagenessity and/or savagenessoidalism
he says "YOUR IGNORANCE MAKES ME ILL AND ANGRY! YOUR SAVAGENESS MUST END!"
and then just looks sad for a moment and then walks away because now he's
evolved past the capacity to kill, even when people are flaunting their
outrageous savagenessitude, and then his girlfriend puts him back into
the evolution machine but she turns the evolution crank the wrong way so
he turns back into an Irishman and then he turns into a caveman but then
she decides to turn him back into an Irishman and also Edward Mulhare is
a scientist instead of a ghost or Knight Rider's boss.  The End.

If you need more I can summarize the plot of the episode "Counterweight"
("and then the lightning bolt crawled up the wall and went into his ear
and gave him a dolly and then the fiddlehead fern chased him around!")
or "The Duplicate Man" ("so the alien was just pretending to be stuffed
by holding still in the museum for ten years but then he got free and
because the guy couldn't tell anyone about it he had himself cloned so
that he could send the clone after it but because the monster was
telepathic it told the clone he was a clone and he seduced the wife
of the guy he was cloned from") or even the one where everyone wanted
to kill James Shigeta because he liked poetry.  I loved that show and
now, of course, they've ruined it.  The old show was wonderfully
unpredictable ("and then at the nuclear power plant the cleaning lady
sucked up a ball of lint with her vacuum cleaner and a monster came out")
but the new one is, well, not even a rip-off of the right show.  It really
needs someone to come in and weird it up a bunch.  Either that or they
should just end every episode with Wil Wheaton blowing up the Earth
to end our ignorance and savagenessalisticism.  I liked the end of that
one, even if they forgot that real planets aren't football-shaped.

                                         -- K.

                                            Oh, and Finland is now
                                            at least three-quarters
                                            as weird as I think it is.