Date: Fri, 26 Oct 2007 14:27:53 -0400 Subject: [ark] Re: It's not the Bat Phone -- but close! In-Reply-To: In alt.religion.kibology, boydda@comcast.net wrote: anTonOMasia wrote: > * Dave Boyd wrote, On 10/25/2007 4:32 PM: > >> "If Bees Yell 'Moo'" > > Please submit an essay of 500 (five hundred) words on this > topic. Extra BONUS points for inclusion of additional > Kibological content. Or contented cows. Very well. Old-timers: should I use RACTER, or Mark V. Chaney? RACTER, probably, except my last working CP/M machine is miles away... Oh, heck, I'll do it old-skool. If Bees Yell 'Moo' Herr Doktor Professor Einstein stood in front of the black-board, addressing his audience, which was composed entirely of imaginary Internet friends, plus Spot. He began to speak in a curious sing-song, exactly as Henry Rollins wouldn't: "You are here today to learn the details of my new sonic weapon. I must ask that you all pretend to sign this non-disclosure agreement, or, if that is not possible, you must actually not sign it, and I shall pretend that you have. All ready? Good." "For the sake of argument, assume a spherical cow of uniform density, composed entirely of bees, each of which has been retrieved from a working clock. This is the omni-directional mode. The weapon requires that the bees moo loudly in rough unison, creating a dissonant, buzzy 'moo' that will generate both cognitive and aural dissonance in all unprotected people and animals within a roughly one-hundred-meter radius. In the directional form, the bees will reform themselves into a parabolic cow of non-uniform density -- do you see it there, in figure 2? Good, good -- which has a range of roughly three-hundred meters in a cone- shaped zone containing the focus of the parabola." "This dissonance, and the optional bee-stings, will serve to dislocate the medulla oblongata, placing it somewhere within the region of the appendix or duodenum. This effect is not generally harmful. However, in certain cases, chiefly among those women of Jewish descent who are fixated upon elderly folk-singers and among dogs, insanity ensues, fortunately the funny kind. I will now demonstrate." "Are there any Jewish women in the audience? Ach, so many. I must ask you to please wait in the sound-proof booth in the corner. I will give you a transcript so that you may follow the events." Einstein gave each imaginary woman a piece of paper with 'moo' scribbled on it by a hypothetical contented cow composed entirely of bees. The paper was painful to hold. "Well, we are ready to begin. Since we lack the funding for real bees, we are perhaps forced to use hypothetical ones, which I must assume are in front of me. I ask that the bees assume the shape of a spherical cow. I assume that they have done so. Plausibly, I might ask the bees to demonstrate." The hypothetical bees might have them have buzzed loudly, making a kind of possibly horrible 'm-mmmmMMMMMMM*M*M*M*M*M*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*O*OOOOooo' sound, which with its terrible mixed frequencies dislodged the imaginary medullas oblongata of the soi-disant assemblage. This could conceivably have caused great confusion and pain in all who might have heard it. Spot, however, could have been driven insane by the raucous buzzing. Foaming at the mouth, he might possibly have jumped and capered in a frenzy before succumbing to rabid Arlo Guthrie fandom, or not. Poor Spot, possibly! "This concludes what I assume was my demonstration. I probably hope that all of you would have learned enough to duplicate my work, if you existed. Thank you, and good night!" -- Dave Boyd "If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate." -Capt. Zapp Brannigan, D.O.O.P.