From: David Pacheco Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Waiting for Go.Dot Com Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2000 00:52:11 -0000 Organization: NO CARRIER Waiting for Go.Dot Com Tragicomedy in One Act of Desperation And One (1) Giant Disposable Napkin by David Pacheco david_pacheco@lineone.net This show premiered on January 17, 2000-01-17 under a bridge in Hammersmith, London Estragon.............David Pacheco Vladimir.............Bob Denver Pozzo.............Bob Hope Lucky.............Fran Drescher Boy.............Brian Blessed ACT I DOT COM [ A country road. A tree. The tree has a sign that reads "tree dot com". ] [ ESTRAGON is sitting centre stage, trying to take off his pants. He pulls at them with both hands, panting. He gives up, exhausted. Enter VLADIMIR. ] ESTRAGON Nothing to be done. VLADIMIR I'm beginning to agree. So here you are again. ESTRAGON [ confused. ] Am I? VLADIMIR I believe so. I thought you were lost forever. ESTRAGON As did I. VLADIMIR May I ask where His Highness spent the night? ESTRAGON [ Haughty, proud. ] On the Internet. VLADIMIR The Internet! Where? ESTRAGON [ without gesturing ] Over there. VLADIMIR Was there much porn? ESTRAGON [ Amazed. ] As much as I could see. VLADIMIR New? ESTRAGON The same as always. VLADIMIR It's just as well. I could never watch all the porn you watch. Maybe before, when we were respected. Clean. [He takes his wallet out from his pants, peers inside it, feels about inside it, shakes it, puts it in his pants again.] And all those plug-ins! [He takes out his wallet again, peers inside it.] Funny. [He knocks on the wallet as though to dislodge a foreign body, peers into it again, puts it on again.] Nothing to be done. ESTRAGON Nothing? VLADIMIR Nothing to show for our waiting. ESTRAGON Didi... VLADIMIR What? ESTRAGON [ Excited. ] Suppose we started our own company? VLADIMIR Internet based? ESTRAGON Of course. VLADIMIR Then he wouldn't come. ESTRAGON Who? VLADIMIR Him. ESTRAGON How do you know? VLADIMIR He said so. ESTRAGON [ Leaps up, grabs VLADIMIR's lapels. ] You have spoken to him? VLADIMIR Yes, of course. You were there. ESTRAGON I was? [ He sits, confused. ] VLADIMIR In the stockholder's meeting. Last week. ESTRAGON Are you sure? VLADIMIR No. Are you? ESTRAGON What did he say? VLADIMIR He said what he always says. We will launch soon. ESTRAGON Did you ever read the business plan? VLADIMIR Once. A long time ago. It didn't seem important then. ESTRAGON [ Dreamy. ] And yet now... VLADIMIR Yes, now. Now it is a Bible. [ Pause. Suddenly forceful. ] No matter. Nothing to be done now. Except wait. ESTRAGON And yet all the graphs... VLADIMIR The colors... ESTRAGON Return on investment in 3 months. New paradigm. Funding by venture capitalists with too much money and not enough time. VLADIMIR You should have been a poet. ESTRAGON I received very good grades as a child. A star, even. VLADIMIR A star? ESTRAGON I think. It wasn't important. VLADIMIR Gogo! ESTRAGON What is it? VLADIMIR [ Excited. ] Suppose we started our own company? ESTRAGON Internet based? VLADIMIR Of course! ESTRAGON It would never work. VLADIMIR Why not? ESTRAGON Because we have to wait for funding. And then launch. VLADIMIR So? ESTRAGON We cannot. We are waiting already. VLADIMIR Here? [ He takes his wallet out from his pants, peers inside it, feels about inside it, shakes it, puts it in his pants again. ] Suppose we are waiting in the wrong place? Suppose this is not where he will launch? Suppose we are in the right place, but at the wrong time? ESTRAGON You taunt me. [ Surprised. ] Then we come back tomorrow. VLADIMIR Suppose he doesn't want to pay our travel expenses? ESTRAGON Didi, you will soon be a rich man! Why worry about the little things in life that don't matter? VLADIMIR [ Childlike. ] When will I be rich? ESTRAGON Soon. VLADIMIR Soon? [ Claps his hands together. ] ESTRAGON When we launch our IPO. VLADIMIR Soon? [ Claps, less enthusiastically. ] ESTRAGON Soon. VLADIMIR Tomorrow? [ Barely enough energy to clap any more. ] ESTRAGON When he comes. [ Exit VLADIMIR hurriedly. ESTRAGON gets up and follows him to the edge of the stage. Enter VLADIMIR. He empties his pockets in front of ESTRAGON. Beanie Babies, MP3 players, Pokemon figurines, a human kidney, all fall to the floor. VLADIMIR stands back triumphantly. ] VLADIMIR See? ESTRAGON Where did you get all this? VLADIMIR I bought it. ESTRAGON [ Accusing ] Where? VLADIMIR Online. [ VLADIMIR and ESTRAGON stare at each other. ESTRAGON picks up a Pikachu figurine. ] ESTRAGON How much was this? VLADIMIR Only seven hundred. ESTRAGON You can buy them in the stores for two hundred. VLADIMIR No! This is the last one! A collectible! ESTRAGON [ Looks at base of figurine ] Number two million out of a total of seventy million. VLADIMIR You see? A limited edition! ESTRAGON Of course, Didi. You are right. VLADIMIR We are friends again? ESTRAGON [ Forgiving, arms extended. ] Of course. [ They embrace. ] VLADIMIR Listen! [ They listen, grotesquely rigid, still embracing. ] ESTRAGON I hear nothing. VLADIMIR Shhht! ESTRAGON What is it? VLADIMIR It's the markets. They awaken. ESTRAGON I still hear nothing. [ They listen. ] VLADIMIR Nor I. [ They relax. They disengage from the embrace and look uncomfortable. Silence. ] ESTRAGON Why would the markets make noise? VLADIMIR To scare the bears. ESTRAGON Ah. But the bulls scare too? VLADIMIR [ Pause. ] No, the bulls are made of firmer material. ESTRAGON Ah. [ Bright. ] What do you think our share will be? VLADIMIR It depends on many things. ESTRAGON But it will be plenty? VLADIMIR Of course. Who can say? ESTRAGON [ Grandiose. ] Because we make so much already! VLADIMIR No. We do nothing but lose. We are the losers. People throw money at us, we lose it. ESTRAGON Then why do we launch? VLADIMIR You'll have to ask him. ESTRAGON [ Excited. ] Is he here yet? [ Searching horizon. ] No, he is not. VLADIMIR Forget him. Let's go and start our own company. ESTRAGON Yes, let's go. [ They do not move ] [ A terrible cry, close at hand. They remain motionless, then together make a sudden rush towards the wings. Enter POZZO and LUCKY. POZZO drives Lucky by means of a rope passed round his neck, so that Lucky is the first to enter, followed by the rope which is long enough to let him reach the middle of the stage before POZZO appears. LUCKY carries a heavy bag, the Financial Times and a copy of "IPOs for Dummies", POZZO a whip. ] POZZO On! [ Crack of whip. POZZO appears. They cross the stage. LUCKY is mumbling to himself as he crosses. ] LUCKY ...financial acumen required to establish the initial valuation quaquaqua given the existence for reasons unknown in a two for one split vis a vis as a result of the paradigm shift is the word namely variably concurrently to launch a successful IPO in today's market conditions that man in short that man in spite of the short strides in technology and previous existing interfaces it is established beyond all doubt all other doubt and what's more the return on investment from market leaders such as quaquaqua yahoo ebay linux which are not to say all sorts are not seen to outperform the technical miracle of our times for reasons unknown in spite of the labor and resources no profit is seen as a benefit so calm so blue so true but not true which will fade away before the initial investors understand the pines the wastes and the fudged figures which compose the grave and the labor of love that is lost no matter fading fading fading stock market value throw money out the window undo the e- prefix has a hold a rock a kind of hold of the mind too human in spite of the human mind a successful IPO all bets are on what is more venture capital than as a result of such claims we must not be seen to have affront and denial in this word a word is biased and eighteen holes of golf with millions and millions are wasted unproved and new cars untraceable to you and to me with tennis... and tennis... unfinished... paradigm shift... [ fading. ] POZZO On, pig! [ Crack of whip. POZZO and LUCKY disappear offstage. ] [ VLADIMIR and ESTRAGON stare after them. ] VLADIMIR Who was that? ESTRAGON [ Professorial. ] They are from the Securities and Exchange Commission. VLADIMIR Not really? I wouldn't appear... ESTRAGON [ Suddenly uncertain. ] I think so. VLADIMIR Then they must be. [ He takes his wallet out from his pants, peers inside it, feels about inside it, shakes it, puts it in his pants again. ] How it has all changed! ESTRAGON Who? VLADIMIR We have changed. ESTRAGON That's the idea, let's make a little conversation. We shall create a buzz, and it will excite them! VLADIMIR Haven't we? ESTRAGON What? VLADIMIR Changed? ESTRAGON Very likely. We all change. [ Despondent. ] Only we cannot. VLADIMIR Why not? ESTRAGON We are waiting for the IPO. VLADIMIR So we can make no new announcements? ESTRAGON Not until after. VLADIMIR [ Despair. ] When? ESTRAGON When he comes. For the IPO. VLADIMIR Oh. [ Brightly. ] Perhaps we should start our own company... ESTRAGON Internet based? VLADIMIR Of course! ESTRAGON Yes, let's go! [ They do not move. ] BOY [ Offstage. ] Mister! VLADIMIR What is this? We commence again? ESTRAGON Approach, boy! [ Enter BOY, timidly. He halts. ] VLADIMIR Approach, my child. BOY [ Uncertain. ] Are you waiting? VLADIMIR Of course. You do not see us? [ Silence. ] You have a message? ESTRAGON [ Angrily ] What kept you so late? VLADIMIR Let him alone. ESTRAGON [ Violently ] No! Screw you, I'm fully vested! [ To BOY ] What kept you? BOY It's not my fault, Sir. I was afraid, Sir. VLADIMIR Of who, child? BOY Of them, Sir. They who would steal the idea for the company and launch before us. VLADIMIR Yes, the others. Of course you were afraid. And of the SEC, you were afraid too? [ BOY nods. ] Of the stacks of paperwork, you were afraid? [ BOY nods. ] ESTRAGON [ Grabs BOY, shakes him. ] A pack of lies! Tell us the truth! BOY [ Trembling. ] But it is the truth! VLADIMIR Let him go! What is the matter with you? ESTRAGON [ His face is convulsed. ] I'm unhappy, Didi. VLADIMIR [ Concerned. ] Since when? ESTRAGON Since the IPO. I have too much money, and no taste. My friends say I've changed, but I'm still the same, only vastly richer. VLADIMIR But we haven't launched yet. ESTRAGON We haven't? Then we are still poor? VLADIMIR Of course. ESTRAGON [ Brightens. ] Extraordinary the tricks that the mind plays! VLADIMIR [ To BOY. ] You have come from him? [ BOY nods. ] VLADIMIR From Go.Dot Com? [ BOY nods. ] VLADIMIR Do you work for him? BOY Yes Sir. VLADIMIR What do you do? BOY [ Eager. ] I mind the firewall, Sir. I protect the network. VLADIMIR Does he treat you well? BOY [ Nodding. ] Yes, Sir. VLADIMIR Words, words. [ Pause. ] Speak. BOY [ In a rush. ] Go.Dot Com won't be launching today but surely tomorrow. [ Silence ] VLADIMIR Is that all? BOY Yes, Sir. [ Silence ] VLADIMIR You may go. [ BOY runs offstage. The light suddenly fails. In a moment it is night. The moon rises at back, mounts in the sky, stands still, shedding a pale light on the scene. The moon has a label that reads "moon dot com". ] ESTRAGON At last! [ ESTRAGON starts to try to remove his pants once more. He struggles. ] Didi, help me! VLADIMIR What are you doing? ESTRAGON My pants. I'm leaving them here. Someone else will come along who needs pants, and I have too many. VLADIMIR You have more than these? ESTRAGON Yes. No. [ Confused. ] Am I rich yet, Didi? VLADIMIR Not yet, Gogo. ESTRAGON When, Didi? VLADIMIR When we launch. When he comes. ESTRAGON [ Impatient. ] How do we even know that we are in the right place? I cannot wait any longer! VLADIMIR We are in the right place. Tomorrow he will come. ESTRAGON [ Hopeful. ] Are you sure? VLADIMIR Did you not hear what the child said? ESTRAGON No. VLADIMIR He said that Go.Dot Com would surely launch tomorrow. It is certain. ESTRAGON [ Moves away from VLADIMIR ] I sometimes wonder if we wouldn't have been better off alone each one for himself. [ He crosses the stage and sits by the tree. ] Why do we not start our own Internet company? VLADIMIR We have no skills. We have no money. All we have is him, who we knew a little in college. ESTRAGON So we must wait? VLADIMIR We must wait. [ They sit in silence. VLADIMIR takes his wallet out from his pants, peers inside it, feels about inside it, shakes it, puts it in his pants again. ] ESTRAGON Still nothing? VLADIMIR [ Despondent. ] Nothing. ESTRAGON Nothing to be done. VLADIMIR I'm beginning to agree. [ Silence. VLADIMIR doodles in the dirt: the words "online auctions?". ] ESTRAGON [ Brightly ] Suppose we start our own company! VLADIMIR Internet based? ESTRAGON Of course! VLADIMIR Yes, of course we must. Let's go. [ They do not move. ] [ Curtain ] [ FX: GIANT DISPOSABLE NAPKIN. ] [ EL FIN. ] -dp.