Date: Tue, 4 Dec 2001 03:39:39 -0500
Subject: Re: I'm Dreaming of a Weird Christmas
Status: R

In alt.religion.kibology, talysman@globalsurrealism.com wrote:

since Kibo is already posting about christmas, I figure I'd do the same,
trotting out everyone's favorite hard news source, ananova.com for a
little yuletime fun.

but first, shield your eyes if you believe in santa!

TEACHER 'TOLD CLASS OF SIX-YEAR-OLDS SANTA DOESN'T EXIST'
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_462953.html?menu=

this happened in Austria, of course, where some austrians got thumped
too many times on the head by sylvester's "giant mouse" and have
decided to torture small children.

 -> The Sunday Herald Sun says the supply teacher told her class their
 -> parents - not Santa - give them presents.

I'm not sure what a "supply teacher" is. do you austrians take a course
in supplies? "here is where the library paste is kept. make sure you
note it well; there will be an exam at the end of class."

these would be your S-levels, of course.

I didn't realize austrians started trade school so early.

but take heart; the only reason there is no santa in austria is because
all the santas have moved to maryland:

TOWN SWARMING WITH SANTA'S AFTER FATHER CHRISTMAS BAN 
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_464420.html?menu=

[ for you UKaians: "Santa" is the real name of "Father Christmas"
  before he had to move into a witness protection program. ]

[ also, ignore the constant pluralization of santa as "santa's"
  in this article.  why there were several "santa's" and not as
  many "demonstrator's", I don't know. ]

 -> A US town that banned Father Christmas is now swarming with Santas.

OH NO! NOT RAID!

what is the correct term of venery for a bunch of santas? 

a nattering nabob of Nicholas?
a clutch of clausen?
a credibility of kringles?

 -> Kensington town council outlawed St Nicholas from its traditional
 -> Christmas tree lighting ceremony on religious grounds.

the burghermeister of kensington was heard to exclaim "I hate toys!"
he then began to parade stiff-leggedly around the room singing "there'll
be no toymakers to the king!"

 -> But 50 Santa's turned up marching on the town hall. Hundreds of
 -> pro and anti-Santa demonstrators also clashed. One Santa was taken
 -> into custody by police.

pictures of five antas being beaten by a police riot squad will be
broadcast during tomorrow's episode of "pokemon".

the city council attempted to barricade themselves in city hall, but
a brigade of fifteen santas infiltrated the building via an unguarded
chimney.

santa is also presumed to have air support; eight tiny blips were
spotted on radar circling the city during the altercation.

 -> Local residents and national media criticised the decision of
 -> councillors in Maryland town.

 -> Santa was banned because some residents complained he had no place at
 -> a non-religious event, reports The Baltimore Sun.

orthodox kringlists were deeply offended. one was heard to shout,
"they allow the christ baby to light the star on the top of the tree, 
but our beloved santa has been cast out by the secular jesusists!"

when asked about the significance of the fir tree itself, Odin Allfather
was strangely silent.

 -> Protestors chanted, "No Santa, No Peace!" and carried signs declaring,
 -> "Mean Spirited Arrogant Santa Hating Liberals" and "PC = Stupid."

and also, "GET A MAC!"

 -> The local fire department also rode through town with a Santa leading
 -> the fire trucks. Traditionally, Santa helps the Mayor to turn on the
 -> lights.

"the mayor usually doesn't sober up until after new year's", the fire
chief explained.

 -> "This whole thing is ludicrous," said Santa impersonator and local
 -> resident Fred S. Hass. "Santa Claus is not a religious figure."

apparently, Mr. Hass didn't hear the whole christian speculation about
how christmas is really a satanic holiday designed to lure people away
from jesus... which leads us to:

SATAN'S CHRISTMAS GROTTO FEATURES SPIKED ELVES AND ROASTING ROBINS 
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_463807.html?menu=

you may want to look at the link on THIS story, because I couldn't believe
it at first, either.

 -> Satan is to get his own Christmas grotto in Edinburgh complete with
 -> elves impaled on spikes and "nasty presents".

excuse me while I say "the HELL?!?!?"
 
 -> The grotto in the city's Dungeons will also have robins roasting on an
 -> open fire and Father Christmas boiling in a witches' cauldron.

ok, someone's got to explain this one. does this place regularly do
stuff like this? are they some kind of comedy club or humorous tourist
attraction?

 -> Actors playing Satan will give "nasty presents" to children who've
 -> been bad.

"ho ho, it looks like rudolph mistook satan's gift bag for a TOILET
again, kiddies!"

hmmm... apparently, there will be several "satan's" in this grotto.
 
 -> Organisers say the attraction is aimed at adults, although children
 -> aged eight and older will be admitted.

notice it doesn't say any of them will LEAVE.

or how many people will SUE.
 
 -> However, Jim Cowie of the Church of Scotland told the Daily Record:
 -> "It's very dangerous to highlight the dark and evil side at Christmas."

"you might awaken the fierce YULE DEMON from his millennial slumber!"
he added.  then, cackling, he burst into flames.

IA SANTA!  IA SANTA! HO HO HORROR!