Subject: Re: Fauster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

bweiner@muon.rutgers.edu.remove.kremvax.su (Ben Weiner) says:

grifter@primenet.com ('Jesse Garon') writes:

`Jesse,' you left characters and loose ends all over the
stage!  What you need is a good Dramaturg!
  (Note: Dramaturgs are the good, but wacky, robot alien 
   Indians from BATTLESTAR BONANZA.)

We take up as `Jesse' left off in last week's episode:

>CHORUS: Because "Space: 1999" lives in the hearts of all of us,
>He is the very model of a modern day kibologist!

>[Enter E. TEFLON PIANO, with briefcase.]

>E.: Mr. "Garon," I hereby file suit against you for bad poetry.

>"JESSE": On what grounds?

>E.: "All of us" is a very, very weak rhyme for 'kibologist.'

>"JESSE": Look at the meter, though. If the meter fits, you must acquit.

[The GHOST OF MATT McIRVINS PAST enters, clanking chains.]

GHOST: I could a tale unfold whose lightest word
       Would harrow up they soul ... Damnit, that's not it
       [pages through Dictionary of Quotations]
       Beware, Scrooge!!  No, damnit ...  A-ha!

       Soon, rhyme will be too cheap to meter!

[Enter JAYCJAY, dressed in a Reddy Killowatt costume, HELENA KOBRIN, and 
 BILL GATES.  They drag the GHOST off stage left for copyrighted joke 
 Scientologist-trade-secret violations.]

>E.: You can tell it to T[he] Judge Madison. Let's go.

>[LEE and NICK enter, and grab "JESSE" by the elbows. They exit with E.]

[Lights fade in on a towering apparition of KIBO stage center.  SAM
 steps forward from the shadows and gestures to draw aside the
 face of KIBO, which is revealed to be merely a half-transparent scrim; 
 lights come up behind the scrim to reveal an old, decrepit VAX running 
 PARRY, a hacked-up version of ELIZA.]

SAM: This rough magic
     I here abjure.  I'll break my scripts
     Bury them full fathoms in the sea
     And deeper than did ever Kibo frown
     I'll drown Kernighan's book.

[Enter a giant BUG SUIT worn by STEFAN KAPUSNIAK, ALEX SUTER, and 
 BRUCE EDIGER.  The BUG is labeled "YEAR 2038 PROBLEM."  The BUG 
 advances upon the VAX and enfolds it, as sparks fly from the VAX
 and obligatory-nonfunctional-blinkenlights flicker on its front panel.]

Voice of KIBO [off]: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe ...
 [fades out]

[A WHITE DOVE emerges from the dark stage behind the VAX and flies
 into the theater and up out of view.  The remaining lights on the 
 KIBO scrim fade down and it nearly disappears from view.]

[Enter two groups of DANCING GIANT H SPARKING ROBOTS, as animated by 
 SID and MARTY KROFFT.  They perform an elaborately choreographed 
 gang-fight routine ripped off from John Woo's WEST SIDE STORY, while 
 SAM sings, to the tune of "Greensleeves," orchestrated so it sounds
 kind of like "One Night in Bangkok" or anything written by Andrew
 Lloyd Webber:]

SAM: Our revels now are ended,
     And melted into air.
     Our actors were all spirits
     Or bots or Jenni-Cams.
     And like this baseless fabric,
     You which do it witness
     Like this insubstantial pageant,
     Leave No-Archive behind.
     
[A string with a prominent label saying "DEUS EX MACHINA" descends.
 SAM pulls it.  Cue GENERIC COMPUTER FX mostly stolen from HACKERS and
 2001, finally we progress down a tunnel towards a BLINDING WHITE LIGHT.
 A lifesize statue of MATT MCIRVIN (pre his shooting by KIBO) is unveiled.
 As the GIANT Hs frolic about the statue (sorta like the little dwarf 
 guys in SPINAL TAP), SAM turns to address it.]

SAM: All he wanted were the same
     Answers the rest of us wanted - Where
     Have I come from?  Where am I going?
     How long do I have?

[The MATT statue begins to move, and steps down from the pedestal.]

SAM: Oh!  He's warm.
     If this be magic, let it be an art
     Lawful as eating.

MATT: And awful as eating at Buzzy's.

[They kiss.]

[COOLIDGE MERCER is heard in voice-over (in SAM's memory):]

COOLIDGE MERCER: It's too bad he won't live!  But then, Modern
                 Science has shown us, who does?

[Exeunt DANCING GIANT Hs, pursued by a BEAR.]

SAM [to MATT]: Come, let's away!

[They take each other's hands and run out of the apartment to
 the elevator.  In the hallway, SAM stops to pick up a FOLDED
 PAPER UNICORN.]


[CURTAIN]

[ROLL CREDITS]