Date: Sun, 17 Feb 2002 06:07:42 -0500 Subject: Re: Ezio Greggio, Italy's national treasure. Status: R In alt.religion.kibology, kibo@world.std.com wrote: Dear Ezio Greggio, You may recall that a few years ago I wrote you about your parody movie, "Silence Of The Hams". I said how clever you were at changing "Lambs" to "Hams", which is similar but different, and I said you were really clever because you changed Jodie Foster's character to you as "Jo Dee Fostar", which is oh-so-funny because you changed as little as possible, and to make sure we got the joke your costume was a T-shirt with "JO DEE FOSTAR" printed on it, and you wore it during the entire movie to ensure we had time to appreciate it. Well, I regret to inform you that I just saw a movie less than a millionth as funny as "Silence Of The Hams", and I further regret to inform you that it was all your fault. "2001: A Space Travesty" had its American premiere in 2002 on our "Comedy Central" TV channel. Yours was not the only name in the credits -- Leslie Nielsen got a prominent credit for appearing in several scenes which were spliced into the rest of the film to slow it down further, and the financial wizards who helped you get film subsidies from several careless governments were also listed. But "2001: A Space Travesty", with you as one of the producers and one of the stars, bore the unmistakable stench of your talent, wit, and style in every frame of every shot of every scene. It was the most painful "comedy" I've ever seen. And I've seen "Burn Hollywood Burn An Alan Smithee Film". It may even have been the worst "movie" of any kind that I've seen, and I've seen that Fu Manchu movie where the lab accidentally overexposed a can of footage and the movie was released with about twenty minutes of solid black. I've sat through "Outta Control" (filmed in Saugus, Massachusetts from a moving car) -- twice. I've seen "Corey Haim: Me, Myself And I". "2001: A Space Travesty" made "Corey Haim: Me, Myself And I" seem like "2001: A Space Odyssey". "Battlefield Earth" was funnier, both unintentionally AND intentionally. Heck, even "A Clockwork Orange" was an uplifting wacky funfest compared to your film, which not only sucked all the joy out of the room, but crushed my spirit forever. I am forever incapable of again enjoying any movies, even though any movie would be more enjoyable than yours. Yes, really. "2001: A Space Travesty" is A BILLION TIMES WORSE than "Baby Geniuses". Even the parts where Leslie Nielsen (filmed in Canada) sees you (filmed in Germany) getting covered with shit when a fat guy shits on you, which covers you with shit, which comes out of a fat guy, and then someone explains that you got covered with shit because someone shit on you. After the first few scenes, I wanted to see someone shitting all over you. However, when the shit scene finally came, it was about five minutes long, and that was too much shit even in such a justifiable case, so I will have to say that there was nothing entertaining about this movie in any way, shape, or feces. You are less funny than Steve Oedekerk has ever been. You are less funny than the late Jack Webb is being right now. You are less funny than Ralph Nader, even if you were wearing the funniest clothes ever and he was naked. You suck. You suck in a way which makes it impossible to ever say that anyone else sucks. If I were to tell Johnny "Bowtie" Barstow he sucked, he could answer, "No, I don't suck like Ezio Greggio sucks," and that would be a valid defense in any court of suckiness. You deserve to go to Sucky Jail forever. Someone should invent a time machine so that they could travel back in time and prevent you from ever being born, and then afterwards stick you in the Sucky Jail even though you don't exist. You suck so bad that even if you didn't exist you would still suck more than anyone who exists. You suck more than anyone who exists, has existed, will ever exist, could ever exist, or couldn't ever exist. You ARE suck. I demand my money back except for the part that paid for the scene where you got covered in shit. I demand that Roberto Benigni punch you in the face. I demand that Shakespeare write a play where you get stabbed more times than all the Caesars combined. I demand that Italy change its name to "The Country Where Ezio Greggio Lived Before He Got Punched And Stabbed." "2001: A Space Travesty" is less funny than that channel that shows eye surgery. Given a choice between sitting through your movie again or eye surgery, I'd say "POKE 'EM RIGHT OUT, DOC!" This movie made me want to go around cutting people up with razor blades just so I could tell them "Hey, at least I'm not forcing you to watch Ezio Greggio films," and they'd say "THANK YOU, KIBO! YOU ARE TRULY THE GREATEST MAN WHO EVER LIVED!" Of course, it's possible that Comedy Central edited all the hilariousness out of your movie and replaced it with evil anti-comedy, but the only reason they'd have for doing so would be if they were run by the biggest jerk on the planet. Hence I request you tell me whether you run Comedy Central, so that I can understand whether you made the worst possible comedy film while you were actually filming it, or when you decided to adapt it for TV. Given that Comedy Central left in the shit scene, they probably didn't edit your film very much, so I assume that they're blameless and that your film was rotten on its own merits. Also, of the 6,000,000,000 people on the planet, about 5,900,000,000 look more like Bill Clinton than the Bill Clinton "look-a-like" who had more lines than Leslie Nielsen. He looked sort of like Will Ferrell playing Anson Williams, or possibly Michael O'Hare as J. Peterman. And I hope you asked for your money back when the "talent" agency mis-labelled that Roseanne look-a-like as Hillary Clinton. I understand that as an overseas resident, you don't know what our leaders would look like in the futuristic year of 2001, even though it had already happened, and suggest that next time you make a movie in which people who look like other people watch you getting shitted on, you might try to put as much effort into the casting as you did into the shitting. You deserve shame for reducing Leslie Nielsen to a bored old man being spliced into stuff that wasn't even good enough to be placed before or after (but on another continent from) Leslie Nielsen. Your movie was an awkward mixture of splices and reaction shots. Reaction shots to splices. I particularly liked the scene near the end where the orchestra conductor was in both the shot and the reaction shot, facing in two directions at the same time. I wished I could flee this movie in two directions at the same time, but alas I don't have your magical powers over time and space and bad editing. And, if people don't mind me revealing the ending of your movie, after the final scene (which consisted of Leslie Nielsen and a woman hugging to the tune of the "Love Story" music, just like the ending of the "Airplane" movies you were ineptly imitating) there were allegedly funny credits, which were different from the funny "Airplane" credits in that instead of actual attempts at humor during the credits you simply put in sentences about how funny the credits were (the screen actually SAID in large letters that these are "wacky credits") and then after the credits ended, I breathed a sigh of relief that the torture might be finally over, and then the screen told me that now Ezio Greggio would make different kinds of fart noises, so for several minutes I heard you doing your impressions of a man farting, a woman farting, a child farting, a talentless Italian comedian farting, and so on, but fortunately there was no science fiction anywhere in "2001: A Space Travesty" so at least there were no astronaut farts. Incidentally, about the only compliment I can give your movie is that, despite what people might think after my description of the ending, your movie did NOT go downhill after it started. The opening scene contained a picture of a dwarf (who stood there, being short), a man's buttocks, and a constellation shaped like a penis. I think your point was that you could connect some dots to make anything you could think of, and if the funniest thing you could think of was to look at a drawing of a penis, I suggest you donate your brain to science for further study. Please immediately remove your brain and give it to the JuiceMan for scientific processing involving a high-pressure juicer. Hey, if your movie was a sci-fi comedy, JuiceMan is a scientist. You could have made the penis picture twice as funny if it had been a dwarf's penis. Better yet, a dwarf chimp's penis. You know, like yours. All nations that participated in the making of your movie -- Germany, Quebec, England, Japan, Italy, and yes, one scene was filmed in the United States -- should be nuked out of existence. The Taliban, being anti-movie, were the only regime on Earth that are guaranteed to have had no involvement in your movie, and so your movie made me want to join the Taliban and blow up Germany, Quebec, England, Japan, Italy, the United States, and your childhood home on the 666th level of Hell. All copies of "2001: The Space Travesty" should be placed in a hermetically-sealed Kryptonite-walled vault directly beneath a ten-thousand-mile-tall glowing pyramid with a sign in every possible language warning space aliens not to watch the tape if they find it ten million years in the future after the human race has committed suicide over the shame of having allowed you to make this movie. And, Ezio, when I said "space aliens", that meant people from outer space. Sort of like the people in silly masks in your alleged sci-fi comedy, except space aliens might actually do stuff other than shitting on you. If you ever meet any real space aliens, please ask them to do some stuff after they shit all over you again. -- K. P.S. Your movie was bad.