Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 03:04:55 -0400 Subject: Re: A moment of silence, please, ARKians Status: RO In alt.religion.kibology, kibo@world.std.com wrote: Smith (stsmith58@hotmail.com) wrote: > > From the New York Times, June 14, 2001: > -> > -> Chicago Buries Bozo. Time Passed Him By. > -> > -> By John W. Fountain > -> > -> Bozo is dead. At least the red-nosed clown with flaming hair and floppy > -> blue shoes who entertained this city for 40 years and several > -> generations is on his way to that great Big Top in the sky. Wait a minute. I just finished writing a eulogy for our friend "Gharlane of Eddore", who also passed away at exactly the same time... could it be that we've discovered Gharlane's secret identity? Was Bozo really an expert in science fiction movies and guns? Hmm, I never suspected about the science fiction part. > -> The once immensely popular children's show on WGN-TV, Channel 9, taped > -> its final program on Tuesday night, marking the end of an era here, the > -> death of an icon. It is also the latest, if not last, chapter on Bozo, > -> the clown who once filled the airwaves around the country. IN THE OLDEN DAYS THERE WAS NOTHING BUT BOZO ON TV!!! Incidentally, in movieland, TV still shows nothing but black and white cowboy shows when children are watching. How many decades out of touch does that make movies? It should be noted that Bozo's clown suit was a frilly powder-blue COWBOY outfit. If you remember the "Bozo" cartoons, Bozo lived in the Wild West. The live-action Bozo just dressed like a cowboy but lived in some sort of little one-ring circus to which children would be delivered on a daily basis. Apparently "Howdy Doody" was cheaper to produce because they could afford a little more of a Wild West theme to their set. When "Howdy Doody" went off the air (in the 1970s), there was a terrifically maudlin moment at the end when Clarabelle spoke. (Not Bob Keeshan but the second Clarabelle, who was by then even older than Captain Kangaroo played by Bob Keeshan in age makeup.) Clarabelle's gimmick was that he didn't talk, he just honked a horn (you know, like Harpo Marx) and squirted seltzer (you know, like Harpo Marx and a lot of other vaudeville comedians whose careers were ruined when they invented soda cans so people stopped using seltzer squirters.) So, it was a terribly, terribly touching thing for the very final "Howdy Doody" episode to end with Clarabelle stumbling towards the camera forcing himself to say "G... G... G'bye, kids!", especially because it gave kids the idea that Clarabelle was having a stroke. You know the scene in "Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory" where the first time we see Gene Wilder, he painfully hobbles up to the camera and then falls on his face and then pops up spryly? Imagine if he painfully hobbled up to the camera, fell on his face, and then went off the air forever. I assume that the special "Bozo" finale will also feature some special surprise at the end, along the lines of them playing the "CRAM IT, CLOWN!" segment. > -> News of Bozo's demise came in March when officials at the Tribune > -> Company, which owns WGN, announced that it was pulling the plug on Bozo, > -> citing poor ratings, apparently the result of changing tastes in > -> children's entertainment and the emergence of cable stations like > -> Nickelodeon and Disney that cater to young audiences. Bozo Declared Brain-Dead, The Plug Is Pulled, Children Everywhere Cry, Especially Because Newspaper Works Hard To Put Creepy Images Into A Story About The World's Most Famous Clown. Incidentally, we knew that Bozo was the World's Most Famous Clown(tm) because in the opening of at least some of the different Bozo shows he would enter on a giant tricycle while singing a song whose lyrics consisted of him yelling, "I'M BOZO, THE WORLD'S MOST FAMOUS CLOWN(tm)!" I liked the Philly Bozo show the best because it showed Bozo riding the SEPTA subway to work. Anything that combines Bozo and SEPTA seems like a good idea to me. Fun Fact: The last Bozo show was, we were told above, produced by Tribune. Tribune Media Services is the sole supplier of TiVo's telvision schedule data. This means that if they had had their corporate synergy working (can you say "synergy", kids? can you say "cartel"?) they would have just driven up Bozo's ratings by forcing thousands of TiVo owners to watch Bozo. "TiVo's Suggestions: Bozo. Watch it or your hard drive will start making weird clicking noises and freeze up forever with an open-mouthed Don Knotts on your screen in eternal close-up." Which, incidentally, is what happened to me -- I added the second hard drive to my TiVo and it expanded to 130 hours quite happily, but about 36 hours later the #*&$%#@!*&% second hard drive died during Don Knott's rant, rendering the TiVo as a whole inoperable because now it expects this drive to be there, and I can't get it fixed under warranty because I performed an unauthorized modification involving peeling off the little sticker, and I don't have any other little stickers, and I had already paid for the "lifetime" (of the unit) service so I gave a bunch of money to stupid Tribune even though they couldn't make a stupid Bozo show! I'd think that with the amount I spend on the TiVo they could afford to make at least three more seasons of a tired clown riding a tricycle yelling about what a great clown he was and then leaving. > -> [...] > > *NOTE: The NYTimes included this JUST FOR KIBO!!11* > > -> As many as 180 Bozo characters were on the airwaves around the country > -> at one point, franchised by the trademark owner, Larry Harmon. Mr. > -> D'Auria is the last Bozo standing. Yes, but my copy of Microsoft Wingdings includes a full 255 bozo characters! So, if he's the "last Bozo standing", does he get all the Nazi gold hidden by the Bozo Squad in the 1940s? Incidentally, Larry Harmon owns not only Bozo, but also Laurel and Hardy. He is also the guy who had them make those really bad Popeye cartoons in which Popeye beats up "Brutus", because "Bluto" sounded too much like "Bozo". > -> [...] > -> > -> Mr. D'Auria suspects that Mr. Harmon "will no doubt find new life for > -> Bozo somewhere, somehow." > -> > -> Chicago already has. Here at the Museum of Broadcast Communications, > -> Bozo will not die, just rerun. > > I see a great need: An ARKPLE disguised as a wake for Bozo. Or the > reverse. In any case, seltzer water and shaving cream pies would > probably be much in evidence. Maybe we could raise some money to buy me a Bozo franchise license. "HEY KIDS! I'M KIBOZO, THE WORLD'S LAST SURVIVING CLOWN!" We must also never forget that one of Boston's local TV sportscasters, Frank Avruch, was Boston's Bozos, and although many have denied it as an urban legend, Larry Hamon himself has claimed that it was on Frank Avruch's "Bozo's Big Top" that the kid said "CRAM IT, CLOWN!" As I've said before, Boston's Channel 5 also cranked out a lame kids' show called "Jabberwocky" in which industrial propaganda films were introduced by a cartoon clown with a movie projector in his nose while an offscreen voice yelled "ROLL IT, CLOWN!" They used to show ancient "Bozo" tapes back to back with ancient "Jabberwocky" tapes but, sadly, a few years ago they discontinued "Bozo" reruns. Also sadly, they're still showing "Jabberwocky". Bozo may have been The World's Most Famous Clown(tm) whereas Dirty Frank was just The World's Best Imitation Of Oscar The Grouch If You Don't Count Oscar The Grouch As Being An Imitation Of Himself And Have Low Standards And Aren't Allowed To Watch Real Sesame Street. Are there any other long-gone children's shows I should complain about while I'm here? Oh, yeah, "The Gospel Pirates And The Bible Pumper". Sadly, my channels have NEVER shown that one. Also, "Sesame Street" still ain't what it used to be. At least they revived a sort of version of the real theme song, as opposed to several years ago when they had that atrocious attempt at reggae. And they ditched all the fake MTV music videos 'cause they made kids hyperactive. But all the good Muppets are either dead or busy making "Star Wars" prequels, and just to slow the show down even futher every episode ends with twenty minutes of Elmo talking to the camera. This doesn't make kids hyperactive because Elmo is shrieking CONSTANTLY for 20 minutes with no quick editing. And why did they cancel "Battlestar Galactica"? Anyway, if you folks buy me a license to be the new Bozo, I promise I will let you all take turns saying "CRAM IT, CLOWN!" in any font you want, not just Wingdings. -- K. If you set your computer to Microsoft Wingdings and type "B-O-Z-O" you get a picture of a clown, a nuclear bomb, a dead rubber chicken, and a DIFFERENT nuclear bomb!