From: tanner@aros.net (Stephen Tanner) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.culture.esperanto,alt.religion.kibology.esperanto Subject: The Green Star Date: Wed, 05 Nov 1997 15:33:31 GMT [The scene: A large stage, with a giant green flag across the back. Stephen fidgets nervously at the microphone] Stephen: [reading from writing on hand] Bonan Tagon! Bonvolu al mian spektaklon! [Kibo pops up through a trapdoor] Kibo: That's not a very nice thing to say about your sister! [Crowd roars with laughter and cheers as Kibo pumps his arm in the air and exits offstage] Stephen: So, uh...um...anyway. This is my intro-to-Esperanto show, which I'm putting on because I'm not fluent enough to translate The Special Show yet. It's not guaranteed flawless. Please don't making fun of any errers I are made! Now, let's kick it funky and take a look at nouns. [Cut to: doughnut shop interior. Mr. Bill is cavorting] Mr. Bill: Hey everybody, let's sing the noun song! [sings] If there's a person you can know... [insert shot of the painting Adam and Eve by Durer] Or there's a place that you can go... [insert still picture of Texaco bathroom] Or there's a word that ends in O... Then they are nouns... You know they're nouns! Mr. Bill: In Esperanto, all nouns end in o. All of them. So, you can tell if something is a noun right away! Like kato (cat), or tago (day), or lardo (bacon)! [Suddenly, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER enters the shop, wearing a goofy chef's hat] Arnold: Time to make the doughnuts...YOU BASTARD! [Arnold begins manhandling Mr. Bill into a torus] Mr. Bill: Oooooohh noooooooooooooooo, it's LARDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [He dips Mr. Bill into a tub of bacon fat and shoves him in the deep fryer] [Close-up of the o-shaped Mr. Bill] [FREEZE FRAME] Voiceover: Nouns end in...O! [Homer Simpson walks in] Homer: Mmmmmm....noun! Arnold: [puts arm on Homer's shoulder] All that mattered was that two stood against many. [DISSOLVE to a studio, with a woman behind a desk] Althaus-sensei: That was an interesting sketch, wasn't it? But what if we have more than one object? Well, to make a noun plural, just change the "o" at the end to an "oj". That's not hard at all, is it? [White Bronco drives slowly across the studio] Althaus-sensei: But how do you pronounce a j in Esperanto? Just like a y in English. So, the Esperanto word "jes" should sound familiar (and it means what it sounds like). Do you get it? [Shot of drunken Oktoberfest crowd] Crowd: JA! JA! JA! Althaus-sensei: But what do adjectives look like? [Cut to STATION WAGON driving through the mountains.] Man: Well, honey, here we are on our vacation! Just the two of us, not a care in the world! Woman: Yes--but somehow, I'm worried. [Jaws-esque tension music begins to play. Voices sing along with it: Ten-sion! Ten-sion mu-sic! Ten-sion mu-sic ten-sion mu-sic! Ten-sion mu-sic! Dun dun dun!] Man: OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT? [Prolonged! Orchestral! Sting!] Woman: What? Where? Man: Just reading the billboard. [They pass a billboard. It reads: OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?] Man: There's another one..."Now entering Esperantonia". Hmmm....there's some more. BONVOLU ESTI...SINGARDEMA... TIO VOJO ESTAS...TRE DANGXERAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa! [Car plummets off cliff and bursts into flame] [Shot of a billboard: BURMA SHAVE] Voice of Cookie Monster: A is for adjective! It's good enough for me! [A 100-foot-tall Cookie Monster appears and eats the billboard] * * * * * * * * Picture pages, picture pages, Time to get your picture pages, Time to get your pens, and your pen, cils! [Bill Cosby appears] Bill: So, nouns end in o, adjectives end in a. Also, adverbs end in an e. So you may not know that "prave" means "correctly", but you already can tell it is an adverb. Flizzm flazzm flizzm flap! But what about verbs? Well, take a verb stem, and add -is for past tense: Mi amis sxin -- I loved her. Mi mangxis la sabiskatolon! -- I ate the sandbox! How do you remember -is is past tense? Just think of that one veni-vidi-vici guy! [Cut to: Ancient battlefield, with triumphant-looking general] General: Venis, vidis, vibris! [With a flash of light, a phone booth appears. It has a sign on it reading "CHEAP TARDIS RIPOFF". BILL and TED step out of the booth] Ted: Dude, whassat mean? Gereral: I came. I saw. I vibrated. [He begins vibrating and making weird Beevisy mouth noises. The set shakes. Cheap props in the background fall over. A 100-foot-tall Cookie Monster appears and devours Bill and Ted] Bill Cosby: Or, you could add -as for past tense: Mi amas sxin -- I love her. La pantoflo estas kolera! -- The slipper is angry! [Cut to: DAN RATHER at news desk] DAN: Remember: -as is present tense, because you're talking about things *AS* they happen! Also remember: I am not wearing any pants. Bill Cosby: And last, there is -os, for FUTURE tense: Mi amos sxin -- I will love her. La pantoflo estos kolera! -- The slipper will be angry! Mi mangxos la sabiskatolon! -- I will eat the sandbox! Vi mortigos Bob Hope. -- You will kill Bob Hope. [Bob Hope enters] Bob Hope: Now that's just irresponsible, and you should issue an apology! You're encouraging people to go out and eat sandboxes! Bill Cosby: So: Most of the time, verbs end in -is, -as, or -os. Let's look at some actual Esperanto. Don't worry if you don't understand it, because this paragraph is disgusting pornography! --------------------------------- Jen nevundito pri cikatroj mokas! Sed haltu: kia lumo traradias tiun fenestron? Jen la oriento, kaj Julieta estas mem la suno! Levigxu, bela suno, kaj mortigu la lunon, treste palan pro envio, cxar vi, la servantino, estas jam pli bela ol sxi mem. --------------------------------- [Picture Pages theme plays again] Bill Cosby: [brandishing writing utinsel] Circle each of the nouns. Then underline each of the adjectives. Then circle each of the verbs. Now clean all that crud off the monitor right now, or you'll have to scrape the boogers off the bottom of the computer-lab tables! [He munches on a pudding pop] [DISSOLVE to a studio, with a woman behind a desk] Althaus-sensei: That was an interesting sketch, wasn't it? Now let's talk about morphology and inflection. [Sleazy music starts playing] [Voices sing along with the sleazy music: Sleazy, wooo, sa-leeeeezyy....mi-yooooooozzzzic... In-fleeeeeeectioooon! Sleeeeeaaazy muuuuuusic...] [Althaus-sensei glares severely off-camera for several seconds] [sleazy music stops abruptly] [Cut to: Encyclopedia Britannica guy] Guy: Most languages let you change words from nouns into verbs, or from verbs into adjectives, and so on. But it can be tricky. It'd sure be nice to easify the mutatification of words! Voiceover: Now you can! Just watch this! Subtitle: ESPERO Guy: What's that? Voiceover: That's "espero", which means hope. It's a noun, because... Guy: Yeah, yeah, it ends in o. But what if I need an adjective? Voiceover: It's easy! [SFX stolen from Transformers: ch-chwa-chwa-chwa-chwakk!] [The O is replaced with an A] Subtitle: ESPERA Guy: So now it means "hopeful"! Great! But let's say I wanted to say something like "Bill Clinton searched HOPEFULLY for his pants"? Voiceover: No problem! [SFX stolen from Transformers: ch-chwa-chwa-chwa-chwakk!] [The A is replaced with an E] Subtitle: ESPERE Guy: So, does this have anything to do with the word "Esperanto"? Voiceover: Yes it does! "Esperanto" is from the same root--it means "A person who hopes"--it was the pseudonym of Dr. Zamenhof, who created the language. Inflection works the same for other words--like INSULTO (an insult), INSULTA (insulting), INSULTE (insultingly), and INSULTANTO (one who insults). It's easy! And it's more fun than playing Strip Boggle with Marilyn Vos Savant! Guy: Wow. But who are you? Voiceover: I'm Jesus. Stop playing with yourself! * * * * * * * [Cut to game-show stage] Bob Barker: So you can see how simple it all is. [KIBO barges through the rear wall, Herman-Munster-style] Kibo: Stop! You claim this language is easy-to-use, but what about...THE ACCUSATIVE CASE? And what about scarecrow's brain? And do you REALLY think the smurfs should get the bomb? Bob: Well, the accusative gives you very free word order. You can say "Kion vi fumas?" or "Vi fumas kion?" and it still means "What're you smokin'?" Just remember to put an N at the end of the object of the verb. It's not so tough. Let's look at an example-- La stonego batas Kibon. [SFX: Slide whistle] [A giant N-shaped boulder falls from the sky and hits Kibo on the head] Kibo: Owwwwwwwww! Owwwwwww! Oww! Why couldn't it be a giant H? [A vaguely asian-looking guy walks in] Yan-san: Kibo-san wa N no shita ni imasu! [SFX: Womp womp womp waaaaaahhhh] [Yan-san leaves] Bob: Remember to put the N at the end, even if you have a plural. For example-- Kibo mangxas la bielojn. [While Kibo yells "Ow!", a bunch of bees fly into his mouth] Kibo: Bleeaargh! This is worse than alt.torture! Bob: The accusative lets us tell the difference between that sentence, and-- Kibon mangxas la bieloj. [Giant bees fly in, chew up Kibo, and spit him out] Kibo: Bleeaargh! This is even worse than playing Strip Boggle with Marilyn vos Savant! Bob Barker: Ha ha! This is even more fun than beating up Adam Sandler! [100-foot-tall Cookie Monster appears and eats Bob Barker] * * * * * * * [Cut to large stage. A large Esperanto flag is draped across the rear of the stage. A mixed choir sings "It's not easy being green" in hushed tones] Stephen: I'd like to thank you all for coming this far. Esperanto really has expanded farther than any other experimental language, and taken on a life of its own. [Frankenstein's monster enters and lurches across the stage, followed by a mob of angry villagers with torches] Stephen: [nervously] Um...anyway, at this point, you can learn more ABOUT Esperanto from the faq--available on soc.culture.esperanto or at http://wwwtios.cs.utwente.nl/esperanto/faq.html One place to learn the language is the free correspondence course, which you can do with or without a tutor. After ten reasonably-painless lessons, you'll be able to read pretty much anything with help from a dictionary. (I used my new-found superpowers to read Winnie the Pooh in translation) Look at: http://www.aitec.edu.au/%7Ebwechner/Documents/Esperanto/fec.html But lots of you are thinking: "Hey, why should I use this language with only a few million speakers? Yeah, it does *look* simple, but hell, I don't even use the metric system!" Well, here's three reasons: First, translated literature. There are thousands(!) of novels and plays already translated into Esperanto from English, German, Italian, Russian, and so on. To get this much world literature without Esperanto, you'd need FIVE HUNDRED bowls of Colon Blow! Second is travel. No country officially uses Esperanto--but there is an Esperanto diaspora ALL OVER YOU GLOBE. You could travel across the world speaking only Esperanto. And thirdly? IT PISSES OFF THE FRENCH! Just remember: In Esperantonia, everyone must listen to "Whip It", because Devo means DUTY! And "penis" is the past tense of "try", and you start a letter to someone named Kara with "Kara Kara", and "Dune...arrakis" means "Dune...peanut", and "eblo" means beable. Also, this has nothing to do with Esperanto, but go listen to my mods at http://math.wisc.edu/~tanner/music/mymods.html Finally, I apologize for lying about the pornography earlier. If you really really want to combine the International Language of Peace with the International Language of Smut, you could always try: http://www.kvatro.no/~ulf/veb/erotiko.html And if you want to know how to cuss... http://www.notam.uio.no/~hcholm/altlang/ht/Esperanto.html Note that even a lot of dirty words use elegant word-formation, like "cxiesulino"! [Kibo enters] Kibo: That's not a very nice thing to say about your sister! [Kibo taps two blue mana. A 100-foot Marilyn Vos Savant appears and gulps down Stephen] [SFX: Wacky boing] *** LA FINO *** -- Stephen Will Tanner http://math.wisc.edu/~tanner/