Subject: Re: You'll be happy to know... Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Status: R David Pacheco writeth: In article <37803083.2625725@news.zipworld.com.au>, rdouglas@zipworld.com.au says... > So david_pacheco@lineone.net (David Pacheco) turns round and goes: > > > > >It's July 4th, the day the world ends according to our old friend "La > >Cosa Nostra" Dahmus. > > > >London seems, so far, unimpressed. > > > > Only another three hours to go, here in Austria, and here at the summit of > Mt. Wombat (the nation's highest peak) the tension is almost unbearable. > All around me people are gathered in small groups, singing, praying or just > meditating in silence. Some carry candles or torches, while others stand or > sit in circles around campfires. A few are even barbecuing sausages and > drinking beer in the traditional Austrian response to cataclysmic events. > There is an air of expectation and every change to the night sky - a cloud > crossing the moon, the brief flare of a meteor, the landing lights of a 747 > headed for Goolagong International Airport - is greeted by a murmur of > excitement, the tinkle of several dozen temple bells and the popping of the > odd champagne bottle. So far they have all been false alarms, but with just > two hours and fifty four minutes of the day left, noone is going home. > > This is Roger Douglas for ANTV, returning you to the studio. Thank you Roger, and we now go back to Giles De'Ath, who is reporting live from a specially-designed miniature submarine in the fountains at Trafalgar Square. Giles, what is the mood of the gathered public at the Square? "Well Hans, no progress has yet been made after the breakdown of talks early this morning from the Last Friday Ever agreement. Tony Blair and several psychic mediums have been brought in to broker a peace deal between those who believe the world will end before 7pm tonight, those who believe that it will end between 7pm and midnight, and those who believe that the world has already ended and we are currently living in a reality of our own creation after being elevated to the next spiritual plane." "The majority of the Early-Morning Armaggedon Crew have long since decamped from Trafalgar, the sound of ridicule and laughter ringing in their ears as they accepted the painful reality that their predictions were totally, unequivocally wrong. Many of the prominent leaders of the EMAC group have since converted to the 7pm-midnight cult, whilst at least two members are currently lying face down in Leicester Sq., refusing to believe that they are not dead despite the throngs of people lining up to see "The Mummy" at the Odeon. Foreign Deputy Minister John Cook was quoted earlier today as saying 'it's a stupid movie, but the special effects were slammin'." "The sticking point right now in the negotiations seems to be the questions of by whose watch the countdown will proceed. Several contingents are aligning themselves with homemaker Susan Tavett from Weaselford, who claims that her Mickey Mouse wristwatch was synchronized to 'God's clock' via cryptic codes that appeared in the whites of her egg soufflis earlier in the week. Others seem to claim that the BBC has direct communication with the Ascended Spiritual Masters, and the chimes that mark the hour on the radio and TV are the milestones to be used for the calculation of the time. A smaller, radical contingent is following the meandering of an Egyptian 'death beetle' that was imported specifically for the purpose: the clicking sound the beetle makes has since ancient historical times signified an approaching 'hour of death', so as soon as the beetle commences its clicking this group will start the sixty-minute countdown to final destruction." "The negotiations are further complicated by the extremist 'Real Armaggedon' terrorist group, who are refusing to decommission their wristwatches even if and when agreement is reached by Blair and the leaders of the other groups." "As their corresponding hours of reckoning approach, the several splinter groups who are predicting *very* specific times of destruction start chanting, wailing or screaming, reaching a peak at the exact predicted time, then falling away to a whimper as the hour comes and goes without the foreseen outcome. This cycle has repeated itself throughout the day... in fact, as this report is being filed, you can hear the increasingly loud wails and gongs of the 15:35 'Hail of Fire' association, a group which provoked controversy earlier this morning by demanding vegetarian pizzas in spite of the presence of several of their members wearing what appeared to be leather shoes and jackets. Confrontation was avoided at the last possible minute when it was revealed that the 'leather' was, in fact, a vinyl look-alike that was easier to clean, but breathed less and was a bit uncomfortable in warmer weather." "As you can see, the time is now approaching 15:35, and the skies above Trafalgar Square appear to be still quite clear... latest reports from the Meteorological Society have given no credence to the claim that the high pressure front moving across England today was caused by 'dragyns and afforted impyes from Haydes', as was stated by the 'Hail of Fire' association earlier today... and it's now... 15:36, ladies and gentlemen, it's 15:36 and the world has not yet ended. Some scattered applause as the valiant 15:36 crowd gather up their Tibetan chanting incense bowls and leave the Square, and the 14:21 'King of Terror: UFO!' association wind their way through the crowds to take their place in the designated neutral zone at the center of Trafalgar Square, where they will await the, and I quote, 'mind-controlling plasma aliens from Vortx- 3,' who have been circling the globe for the past 72 hours in their 'visibility and gravity-deflecting ultra-dimensional ships.'" "We'll be back with that report in about 40 minutes, now it's back to the studio. This has been, and will hopefully continue to be, Giles De'Ath" Thank you, Giles. In other news today, Steffi Graf failed to clinch her 8th Wimbledon championship as American Lindsay Davenport defeated her in straight sets. In the Men's final, Pete Sampras is comfortably ahead of Andre Agassi in the second set, having taken the first set 6-3. Just ahead after the break: scientists today discover in an ancient burial ground a big red button with the words "DO NOT PRESS!" written under it. Plans to press it to see what happens are said to be going ahead according to plans today, despite accusations of 'tinkering in God's domain' levelled by the Royal Roger Corman Appreciation Society. These accusation were ridiculed today by Dr. Allan Benswerth, President of the Let's Try It And See What Happens Association, who was speaking through a genetically modified 50-foot spokesperson with a hideously deformed mouth that leaked radioactive waste and killer bees. We'll be right back. News at 3:30 is sponsored by Monsanto. -dp. It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel itchy.