Date: Sat, 27 May 2000 01:22:31 -0400 Subject: Re: Splenda: Judged, found tasteless Status: R In alt.religion.kibology, froggy@starbase.neosoft.com wrote: Dag Right-square-bracket-gren wrote: : Yesterday, as I was randomly switching through the 10 channels we get : here, I stumbled across this show that had both Einstein wearing a : sweater with a big "P" and Marilyn Monroe being teased by schoolgirls. It : was intensely kibological, I thought Dang it, I kept thinking of this again while driving to the grocery store. Therefore, take two: EINSTEINIAN SPLEDA: THE FINNISH ... a teleplay [Setting: The locker lined hallway of a Finnish Junior High School] [ Scene opens on a pack of MEAN SKOOLGRRLS, wearing their school uniform of white button-down shirts, short blue skirts, and knee-socks. ] [The MEAN SKOOLGRRLS stand in a semi-circle, their backs to the camera, hiding the objects of their attention from the viewer. ] MEAN SKOOLGRRLS: Ha Ha! Nyah Nyah! Nyah Nyah Nyah! Haw Haw!! [MEAN SKOOLGRRLS skip off stage right giggling. The objects of their derision are revealed: Sitting on a bench looking downcast are two nervous students, ALBERT EINSTEIN and MARYLIN MONROE. Both wear the school uniform of kneesocks and short skirt, but topped off with sweatshirts. EINSTEIN's sweatshirt has a large letter "P" on the front. MONROE's has a pair of large letter "B"s. EINSTEIN has a stalk of celery under his right arm.] EINSTEIN [wringing his hands in agitation]: Whaaa!! The Mean SkoolGrrls always make fun of my big "P"!! MONROE [wiping away a tear and blowing her nose on EINSTEIN's shirt-cuff]: Whaaah!! The Mean SkoolGrrls always make fun of my big "B"s!! EINSTIEN [looks over at MONROE, then his eyes repeatedly range up and down between her face and the front of her sweat-shirt]: But Marylin... I... I think I LIKE your big "B"s. MONROE [her posture straightening as she looks over EINSTEIN]: I... uh. I'll show you mine if you show me yours. [MONROE and EINSTEIN start to reach for eachother as scene irises out to black. ] [MUSIC:(electric guitar and early 1970s synthesizer): BAAW Chick-a BHAW WHAOW!] [TITLE CARD: Later...] [MUSIC: harp glissando] [Scene irises back in. EINSTEIN and MONROE slouch on the bench with their arms around eachother's sholders. Their uniforms and sweat-shirts are now rumpled. EINSTEIN's previously slicked-back hair now stands up in clumps at odd angles. MONROE's hair is somewhat dissheveled and has turned from brown to peroxide blonde. EINSTEIN is smoking a cigarette. MONROE is smoking a briar pipe. The stalk of celery now lies limp over MONROE's left thigh. The two students now act more poised and relaxed.] EINSTEIN: Oh Marylin ... I really do like your big "B"s... MONROE: Albert... I really REALLY like your big "P".... [The SCHOOL PRINCIPAL enters from stage left. He wears a mortor-board on his head, a coat and tie, short blue skirt, and knee-socks.] PRINCIPAL [to EINSTEIN and MONROE]: What are you children up to? What, what what what? [EINSTEIN and MONROE glance at eachother and giggle naughtily into their hands.] MONROE: Mister Principal... Ya' want some celery? [MONROE hands PRINCIPAL the wilted stalk of celery. EINSTIEN surpresses laughter with both hands over his mouth. The PRINCIPAL picks up the celery and looks at it.] PRINCIPAL: Hmmmm.... [PRINCIPAL sticks stalk of celery under his arm and purposefully walks back off stage left. The camera follows him as he exits the hallway through an office door. As the door closes behind him, we can read the letters on the door]: PRINCE I PAL George Hammond [MUSIC: Dramatic Sting!] [SPOT, a stupid puppy, trots up the hall wearing a sweatshirt with a big spot on it. ] SPOT: And so, everyone lived happily ever after! [MEAN SKOOLGRRLS skip in from stage right giggling.] MEAN SKOOLGRRLS: Look! A stupid puppy!! [MEAN SKOOLGRRLS pull out croquette mallets and knock Spot around the hallway while laughing gleefully.] [Music: 23 kazoos playing a Finnish folk song very rapidly] [Camera cranked to double scene speed; SKOOLGRRLS continue knocking and kicking SPOT underneath CLOSING TITLES.] TITLES: THE SPLENDA OF EINSTIEN'S BIG "P" -or- GOOD TO THE FINNISH Script by CARLOS "FROGGY" MAY from a scenario by DAG AGREN Directed by George Lucas CAST young Albert Einstein: ...................Paul Reubens young Marylin Monroe: ....................Mamie Van Doren Principal George Hammond................ Young Stephen Hawking Mean SkoolGrrls: ....................... Brittany Spears, Theresa Willis, Viva, The Spice Girls, Red, Dame Barbara Cartland Spot .....................................Himself Camera ..........................Barbie Webcam Camera Man ..................... Abraham Zapruder Thai Subtitles ................. Eli Balin Catering.........................Diaper Burger * Froggy@neosoft.com ** "The Information Super-Frog" [dibs] * http://www.angelfire.com/la/carlosmay/