Date: Wed, 27 Sep 2000 05:34:55 -0400 Subject: Re: Commercial which bothers me. Status: R In alt.religion.kibology, kibo@world.std.com wrote: [Continuing the thread about what would be the single most popular article of all time according to Web search engines. Disclaimer: I just made this up as I went along, and I emphasize that Joe Bay was the one who needed it. Do not read this story unless you are into EVERYTHING.] Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Know how Taco Bell keeps coming up with new variants, such as > > "Hey! What if we put a soft taco filled with beans inside a hard > > taco filled with cheese and called it The Bajatacular Mexisploderito!"? > > Quickly, Robin, hand me the Bajatacular -- and the tissues! > > [...and in another followup, just to make me happy to have two responses > to my wonderful little article...] > > Dear Kibo: > > Please post more Batman pr0nography. BRUCE WAYNE'S GAY ROMP by Burt Wand Batman was walking down the street in his silken camel-toe leotard with the little lycra panty on the outside. "Gosh! This exciting superhero outfit sure does chafe! And I bet it would be even worse if I hadn't shaved down, you know, there!" he said to himself, unaware that his youthful ward, Dick Grayson, could hear him through the Bat-Sonic-Keyhole which permitted people to eavesdrop on private erotic moments from three blocks away! Quick as a flash, Dick changed into his Robin outfit, in the middle of the street to prove he had nothing to hide. Sliding down a well-oiled Bat-Rope, he jerked himself to a stop directly in front of Batman, his nimble ballet slippers planting themselves in the ground with such firmness that he vibrated to a stop. "Heya, Batman, old pal." "Hello, Robin, my young companion. I am in quite a predicament with these snug tights and oh how they do rub me down there." Robin reached into his bulging outfit and pulled out a huge canister of what appeared to be ordinary household peanut butter, only creamier. "Try this, Batman. A little natural lubricant can help ease the chafing." He reached over and helped Batman out of his confining external underwear and the two of them began to liberally apply peanut butter to Batman's crotchal area. As Robin touched one of the man rods which was harnessed to Batman's utility belt, Batman's body jerked violently as a massive explosion rocked their world! They spun around with a great swish to see Gum E. Krankenschwester pulling up on her Spankocycle! "HOLY HETEROSEXUALITY, BATMAN! THIS STORY'S GOING STRAIGHT!" gulped Robin. "You said a mouthful, Boy Wonder!" ejaculated Batman, "The presence of a nubile, latex-clad woman in this story can mean only one thing, a scene in which I am tortured by the steamy affections of a non-lesbo temptress!" "Don't worry, Batman! Maybe she's just a transvestite!" But as Gum E. Krankenschwester snapped her whip Batman saw, much to his horror, that she had no Adam's Apple or other male anatomy and was, indeed, an actual woman, or a post-op, which was just as bad from his point of view! At the crack of the whip, a dozen perky RubberMaids came running to tie Batman up with rubber hoses. "So, Batman," snarled Gum E. Krankenschwester, "I'm here to see if I can convince you to switch sides." "Never! Once you go Bat-Gay, you never go the other Bat-Way!" "HOLY DISORIENTATION! MY BATMAN WOULD NEVER GIVE UP HIS ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLE!" yelled Robin before he was silenced by having a giant rubber baby pacifier shoved into his mouth. He was then forced to wear eight layers of frilly transparent rubber diapers and locked in a giant playpen filled with burning penny loafers and accelerator pedals. He wanted to yell thick and furious words of support to Batman, but try as they might, the words could not escape from his heaving chest concealed beneath his rippling costume. He moaned and slipped into unconsciousness as one of the RubberMaids applied an orbital belt sander to Robin's most tender erogenous zone, his left pinky toe. Batman was soon horrified to discover that Gum E. Krankenschwester was not only kissing him, but he was enjoying it! And when she began spanking him with a Ping-Pong paddle, he liked that too! And he really liked it when she poured a jar of bees down his pants! Batman was coming to realize that heterosexuals could be into S&M every bit as kinky as superheroes. "Oh, yes," gasped Batman, "please pleasure me in ways I do not deserve to be pleasured!" "Silence, worm! It would be dangerously politically incorrect for me to be the bottom in this relationship, what with you being a man and me being a gorgeous woman, therefore I will be the top, and you shall service, pleasure, and generally elevate me, not the other way around! Now, start licking!" She smashed a cream pie into her chest and bade Batman to lick it clean in one easy motion. His mouth had never been so full before, not even when Commissioner Gordon's Christmas party had been crashed by Frank Gorshin, John Astin, AND Jim Carrey at the same time! Batman gobbled down the heavenly, creamy delight that was Cool Whip. "Wait a minute," said Batman, "I just remembered, I don't like Cool Whip. Matter of fact, NOBODY likes cool whip!" He pried his sticky face from between her ample yet symmetrical cleavage and suddenly things began to waver like Jack Lord's hair in the wind. "Everything's gone all blurry! You've drugged me, vile temptress!" Gum E. Krankenschwester snickered as she buckled the now-comatose Batman into a form-fitting leather straitjacket, covered with hundreds of D-rings, each of which was more necessary to the plot of the story than the last. Then she zipped him into an inflatable vinyl bondage cocoon, and then she put the whole assembly into a tank of quick-setting Jell-O of a special new formulation that vibrated continuously except when the person in it was close to climaxing, at which point all motion became impossible for ten minutes. To further exacerbate Batman's wonderfully terrible bondage, the RubberMaids wielded their Kinky Shrinky ray guns, which they used to reduce Batman and the straitjacket and the cocoon and the tank of erotic Jell-O to tiny size, and then Batman was inserted up the butt of a cute little gerbil! Robin, watching from the safety of his kinky crib, cried a single tear of frustration as he saw Batman being placed into permanent extreme bondage. "Oh, how I would give ANYTHING to take his place!" thought the bediapered junior sidekick as one of the RubberMaids blindfolded him and made him eat what she said were worms but tasted a lot like cold spaghetti. Just then, the Bat-Auto-Rescue-Convenient-Plot-Device transmitter attached to Batman's utility sweatsock began beeping, sending a secret signal deep and wide to penetrate the damp recesses of the Batcave! Emerging from the dark depths in the excessively pointy Batplane, Alfred the randy old butler flew high overhead, partly because he liked to watch, and partly because he was pushing the button on his joystick which caused the Batplane to spray everyone with a thick layer of gold paint. The RubberMaids instantly died of skin suffocation, but Gum E. Krankenschwester had the presence of mind to put a dry-cleaning bag over her head so that instead she would die of autoerotic asphyxia! With her last gasp, she stepped on one of Batman's grapes with her thirteen-inch stiletto heels. "Hey," said Batman, "Those were going to be my lunch!" Everyone laughed as they piled into the Batmobile for the drive back to the Batcave, which was located under the Stately Playboy Mansion. But somewhere, far away, on the other side of filthy filthy dirty dirty Gotham City, and even more perverse force was waiting... Agent Action and his Plaster Casting Couch. WILL BATMAN BE EXPOSED TO ANY FURTHER SORTS OF B&D, S&M, D&S, OR MFFFFFFF(NC) ACTION BEYOND THE IMAGINATION OF ANYONE WHO HASN'T SEEN EVERY SINGLE PAGE ON THE WEB? TUNE IN TOMORROW! SAME BAT-TIME! SAME BAT-CHANNEL! YOUR CREDIT CARD WILL BE AUTOMATICALLY BILLED! -- K. I forgot to mention, to have read that, YOU MUST HAVE BEEN 18!