December 4, 2001 Diablo 2, Parody of Destruction I just finished playing the Diablo 2 Expansion. Rather than give you a tedious review, I'd like to share my experiences in the form of a dialog between my Druid, creatively named "Jaffo," and my loyal Rouge sidekick Lienne. Scene One: In the Pandemonium Fortress JAFFO: Um, 'scuse me, luminous angel-type person? TYRAEL: I AM THE ARCHANGEL TYRAEL. I AM LAZY AND HAVE NO FACE. JAFFO: Yeah, right. Whatever. Listen, um, right there at the end when I was killing Diablo, I uh...well, my sidekick, she ummm... TYRAEL: SHE PASSED BEYOND THE MORTAL COIL....AGAIN. JAFFO: Right. Again. Could you resurrect her for me? TYRAEL: OF COURSE. THAT'LL BE 145,060 GOLD PIECES. JAFFO: One hundred and forty-five thousand? What the fuck? Last time it was less than 130. TYRAEL: THAT WAS THREE LEVELS AGO. JAFFO: This is highway fuckin' robbery, man. You think just because we're stranded here in Hell, you can charge whatever you want? Maybe I'll just go back to the Rouge Camp and get a new sidekick. TYRAEL: WHATEVER YOU WISH, HERO. JAFFO: Don't give me that "Hero" bullshit. Why are you charging me money, anyway? You're an Angel for god's sake. Shouldn't you do this kind of thing for free? Would Jesus charge for ressurrections? Did he send Lazarus a bill? "Arise and walk, my son. That'll be sixty pieces of silver, and I'll take that ass in the driveway." TYRAEL: WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE FORCES OF DARKNESS. EVERY PENNY COUNTS. JAFFO: Oh, so it's not enough that I'm fighting your war out here single-handed. I've seen two Angels out there on the battlefield. The last one was a talking signpost, and the other one tried to cut me in half. Maybe if you people would do your jobs, I wouldn't be stuck down here surrounded by every Demon in the friggin' Universe! TYRAEL: YOU WANT THE BITCH RESURRECTED OR NOT? JAFFO: Yeah, fine. LIENNE: 'bout damn time. JAFFO: What? Are you gonna give me shit, too? I don't need you that bad. You can be replaced, honey. Never forget that. I can go right back to the Rouge camp and get a new one. Camille or Asyria or whatever the hell her name was. The fire-arrow girl with the cute ass. LIENNE: Oh, no, he's going to send me back! Back to my warm bed in the Monastery! Please, massah, don't send me home! I'll be good! JAFFO: There's no need for sarcasm. Anyway, look, I'm sorry I killed you those last...dozen times. It was my fault. LIENNE: Which time was that? The time you hid behind the door and sent me in to kill Andariel by myself? The time you trapped me against the side of a building and used me as a human shield? Or maybe it was that time you yelled, "Cover me!" and ran all the way back to camp. Which time are you sorry for? JAFFO: Um...all of them, I guess. Anyway, cheer up! We killed Diablo! LIENNE: We did? I thought your wolves killed Diablo. I was lying on the floor with my legs burned off and you were in the back rolling a cigarette. JAFFO: Hey! That's not fair! I hit him a dozen times! LIENNE: With what? Your socketed club that has nothing in it? JAFFO: Hey! Dammit! I'm saving that club! I told you, I'll load it up when I get three Perfect Sapphires. LIENNE: And when will that be? We've been through sixteen dungeons and killed three Demon Lords and none of them have dropped Sapphires. How long are you gonna wait? JAFFO: (incoherent mumbling) LIENNE: Whatever. Diablo's dead. Can we go home now? I haven't seen my family in months. JAFFO: Actually, no. I thought this was the end, but it turns out Baal escaped and went to this village named Harrogoth... LIENNE: Don't tell me, let me guess. He's only been there a week, but he's managed to spawn a thousand demons and construct an elaborate fortress. JAFFO: Pretty much. LIENNE: So, there are a couple hundred badass Barbarians in this town, but not one of them is competent to handle this problem. JAFFO: Pretty much. LIENNE: So it's up to us to fight against impossible odds and face the Forces of Darkness alone, while the townspeople sit on their asses brewing potions and making weapons that nobody wants. JAFFO: Bingo. LIENNE: When do we leave? Scene Two: Harrogoth JAFFO: Jesus Christ, it's cold out here! LIENNE: God, are you still complaining? You're a Druid, aren't you? Aren't you supposed to be "at one with the elements" or something? JAFFO: Yeah, I'm a Druid. I'm at one with the elements, and I'm freezing my ass off. Aren't you cold? LIENNE: I'm wearing Nancy Sinatra boots and a leather tank-top. Of course I'm cold. JAFFO: So why don't you cover up? LIENNE: Because I'm shooting arrows, genius. And unlike some of us who linger behind the combat, I have to be fast on my feet. JAFFO: Hey! I get hurt just as much as you do! LIENNE: Yeah, sure you do. I think you've killed every wolf on the continent. I keep saying, "Run back to town and heal them!" But do you listen? Why spend ten seconds to ease the pain and suffering of a helpless animal when you can just swig a mana potion and summon three fresh ones. JAFFO: Will you stop bitching at me? I have to spend a skill point. LIENNE: Take up Oak Sage. JAFFO: You always say that! "Take up Oak Sage." I'm juggling six spells here, and Oak Sage is not the most important one. LIENNE: Oak Sage keeps us alive, dumbass -- me, the wolves, and all the other helpless creatures you enslave to do your dirty work. JAFFO: C'mon, don't be like that. Be nice to me and I'll buy you a new bow. LIENNE: That's your answer to everything. "I'm sorry I killed you, have a new bow!" "I'm sorry I left you to die in Mephisto's lair, have a new bow!" "I'm sorry I sold your armor to buy that helmet, have a new bow!" JAFFO: Lazaruk has some nice stuff here. Short War Bow, three sockets... LIENNE: (Reluctantly) Three sockets? Will you put a ruby in it? JAFFO: For you, baby, I'll put two. Scene Three -- In the Halls of Anguish JAFFO: Will you relax? We've cleaned out this whole level. LIENNE: I'm watching these corpses. Sometimes they come back to life. JAFFO: (kicks corpse) Looks pretty dead to me. LIENNE: Get away from that! Dammit, I'm telling you, they come back to life! JAFFO: Suuuure they do. Look, Lienne, is it so hard to admit you missed one? You've more than proven yourself on this trip. So you missed a few shots, that's nothing to be ashamed of. Why are you making up this elaborate -- (Rotting corpse comes back to life, starts pounding on Jaffo) JAFFO: Aaaah! Arrrrg! Oh god! Help! Help! Where are my wolves! Where are my potions! I'm dying! I'm dying! What are you waiting for? SHOOT IT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHOOT IT! LIENNE: Say I don't miss. JAFFO: (Running in frantic circles) You don't miss! You never miss! LIENNE: Say you're sorry. JAFFO: I'm sorry! I'm very, very sorry! LIENNE: Say, "I'm a worthless coward who hides behind animals." JAFFO: I'm a worthless coward who hides behind animals. LIENNE: (shoots corpse) And let that be a lesson to you. Scene Four -- Resting In Town JAFFO: So, Lienne, tell me the truth. You Rouges, you're all lesbians, right? It's okay, you can tell me. LIENNE: I said I don't want to talk about it. JAFFO: 'cept for Charsi. Charsi swings both ways, but the rest of you, huddled in that Monastery with nothing but women and demons for thirty miles. You guys aren't just knitting and taking target practice in there. C'mon, I'll understand. LIENNE: Dammit, I don't want to talk about it! JAFFO: You don't have to tell me, I know you're gay. You know how I know? Because we've been on the road together for three months and you've never once given me the eye. LIENNE: And because I don't want you, I have to be lesbian, is that it? JAFFO: Well, sure. I mean, look at me. I'm tall. I work out. I've got great stamina. Why wouldn't you want me? LIENNE: You also sleep with wolves and go weeks without bathing. You think that might have something to do with it? JAFFO: Yeah, whatever. Make all the excuses you want, but if you ever decide to try men again, you know where to find me. LIENNE: Yeah, under a pile of wolves. God forbid you spend an evening near books or water. Scene Five -- On the Summit of Mount Arreat LIENNE: Jaffo, we've died eight times on this mountain. Maybe you're not ready to fight the Ancients, yet. JAFFO: (screaming, incoherent) Don't tell me what I'm ready for! We can do this! We just have to concentrate dammit! I keep telling you, SHOOT ONE AT A TIME! Don't go spreading your arrows around! And stop running up to them! How many times do I have to tell you, stay behind the wolves! LIENNE: Don't tell me how to do my job nature-boy. I've saved your ass a hundred times. JAFFO: (Defensive) Look, I'm sorry. I just...we have to get past these Barbarians. LIENNE: And I'm telling you it's too soon. Go back through the Frozen Tundra. Finish off the rest of those Tricksters. JAFFO: Why, so I can get another invisible fireball up my ass? No thanks. You just like the Tundra because it lets you show off. LIENNE: Hey, this isn't about me. I don't care where you go. We'll go back through the passage and kill those Frozen things. You liked that, didn't you? Killing the Frozen things? JAFFO: (softly) I guess. LIENNE: So we'll go do that for a while and get another level or two. Baal's already got six armies and a fortress built, two more days isn't gonna change anything. JAFFO: I guess. LIENNE: C'mon sugar. Come off the mountain and I'll buy you a new bow. JAFFO: Don't patronize me. Scene Six -- At the Throne of Destruction JAFFO: Shoot it! Shoot it! It's gonna explode! LIENNE: Will you shut up! I'm trying to concentrate. JAFFO: But these things, if they get too close, they explode in a big fireball, and... LIENNE: Gee, you think so? My face is red and I have no eyebrows. I think I figured that out! Scene Seven -- Bargaining with Larzuk JAFFO: Okay, I've got 200,000 gold saved up. Do you have like -- a Sword of Baal-Slaying or something like that? LARZUK: Sword of Baal-Slaying? My weapons aren't usually that specific. JAFFO: Whatever. I don't care what you call it. I need a weapon that can kill everything in a room with one swing. Do you have anything like that? LARZUK: One swing? You want a catapult or something? I don't sell catapults. JAFFO: Catapult, Crossbow, Long Sword, dirty sock, poo on a stick, I don't care what it is, just sell me something! LARZUK: Well, I don't have anything that powerful, but I've got some nice swords here. Why don't you just try one of these? I mean, you've been carrying that same stupid club for... JAFFO: You leave my club out of this! Scene Eight -- Jaffo Vs. Baal JAFFO snickers. LIENNE: You're laughing? What's wrong with you? JAFFO: I'm sorry. He just -- he looks kinda stupid, don't you think? LIENNE: We're getting our asses kicked, and you wanna tell me he looks stupid? Why don't you tell Baal he looks stupid?. Maybe he'll get self-conscious and run away. JAFFO: I'm sorry, it's just -- it's hard to take him seriously with him hopping around like that. He looked so much cooler in the pictures. I thought he would flay us with bone spikes or something, but this -- this is pathetic. BAAL unleashes a torrent of fire, instantly killing LIENNE and JAFFO. JAFFO: Dirty fightin' motherfucker! When I hit Level 50, I'm gonna come back and beat him to death with Wirt's Leg. THE END Jaffo ______________________________________________________________ Printed Without Authority by Michael B. Duff, II