Date: Sun, 11 Feb 2001 22:29:50 -0500
Subject: Re: Catch Up
Status: RO

In alt.religion.kibology, dpacheco@iname.com wrote:

bob@flaminio.com said:
> I just discovered that in OE I can right-click on a newsgroup and get
> an option called "Catch Up".

See now that's weird, because in my newsreader the option is 
called "Catsup".

> OK.... so what'd I miss?

It rained, and then it got so clear you could see the mountains.       
Then we learned that it is no longer appropriate behaviour to 
suck the poison out of the wound if one is bitten by a 
rattlesnake.  Now one must talk to the rattlesnake in a stern 
voice, that the rattlesnake may understand that it has done 
something wrong.  

"No!  BAD rattlesnake!  NO bitey-bitey!"

We also learned that when pregnant women hear the phrase 
"beached whale", they automatically think that it refers to 
them.  This applies even if one is actually standing on a real 
beached whale surrounded by signs that read "BEACHED WHALE: DO 
NOT CLIMB" and a tour guide yelling "Five dollars to see the 
beached whale!" while visiting the Beached Whale Amusement Park 
in Whale Beach, California.

It was also brought to our attention that the confusing roadside 
advertisement that I had been reading for days as "Now looking 
for more faster and adaptive parents" actually reads "foster" 
and "adoptive," which clears up a couple of questions I had, so 
I'll sit down and lower my hand now.

We also learned that you, the reader, are entirely made out of 
meat.  Also, by watching certain TV channels we learned that it 
is now an entirely valid excuse to claim that you are sexually 
turned on *only* by police officers pretending to be 12-year old 
girls.  This information, while completely useless to us, is 
nevertheless quite entertaining.

And then we were taught Extreme Feng Shui, the object of which 
is to whirl negative energy around the room to increase its 
speed like a particle accelerator, and then slam it into your 
opponent's chakras.  Our teacher, Kato-san, apparently whacked a 
competitor once with so much negative karma that he was 
eventually re-incarnated as an IRS auditor.  Also, he was a 
spider.  And a slugworm.

A spider-slugworm tax auditor.  Man, that's some bad karma.  I 
hope he never becomes radioactive, because that's a super power 
NOBODY wants.

The class learned that the canonical name for the "~" character 
is the "Spock's eyebrow", and that despite its complete lack of 
usefulness it is still kept on computer keyboards in order to 
pay off a gambling debt the entire industry has towards members 
of the Spanish Crime Syndicate, the Gambiņo Family. 

We learned that, collectively, we have the necessary 
qualifications to speak on behalf of Jesus.  Jesus, as it turns 
out, is a little embarrassed by all the attention he's received 
over the past two thousand years, and says he never meant for 
people to take him that seriously.

"I never meant for anybody to take my life literally," said 
Jesus, through me. "Tell them to quit it."  By "them", I feel 
that Jesus meant you, the guy in the brown t-shirt, and you, the 
ugly one with the weird glasses.

Personally, I learned that I can lose a finger if I ever do THIS 
again.  Whoa, there goes another one!  It's the damndest thing.

As a last point, we learned that due to the chronic electricity 
shortages in California, we are currently overstaffed with 
monkeys and under-funded to buy more typewriters.  We have 
monkeys going idle, and a sadder sight I have never seen.  
Please give generously, and we thank you for listening during 
our pledge week.  Operators are standing by, ready to add, 
subtract, divide and multiply.

Also, teacher said that you smell funny.

I wrote this post entirely by accident.  I apologize in advance 
for any discomfort caused.  If swelling persists, do something 
about the itching.

-dp.