Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: Re: Names that are worse than everything.
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself)
Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 01:27:00 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com

"Poot Rootbeer" (poot@dork.com) wrote:
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >                      "BURLAX:  THE WEARABLE LAXATIVE!"
> >                     Works on contact with skin and pets.
> 
> Please write a story about Spot and a doggy door made of Burlax.

I won't write a story, but I will write a Very Special Moment from
"The Special Show":


        MATT McIRVIN
        Hey, look everyone, it's our very special
        neighbor, Twirling Pup!

        SPOT
        Arf!  Arf!  In the olden days, they would
        steal from barrels by removing the staves, arrrrrf!

        MATT McIRVIN
        Twirling Pup, why are you going through your
        little doggy door over and over so that it
        scrapes all the skin off your face?

        SPOT
        Arrrrrf burlax doors!

        MATT McIRVIN
        Burlax doors!  New, from the maker of
        Deluxe Hamster In A Cup!  Are you tired of THIS?

(A MAN PUTS A QUARTER INTO AN OVERSIZED GUMBALL MACHINE
FILLED WITH HAMSTERS.  A STYROFOAM CUP DROPS INTO A SLOT
AND THEN A HAMSTER FALLS INTO IT.  THE GUY PICKS UP THE
CUP AND MAKES A DIGUSTED FACE.  SUPERIMPOSE A LARGE RED
BUZZING "X" ON HIS HEAD TO INDICATE HE DID SOMETHING DUMB.)

        MATT McIRVIN
        ...because NOW you can have THIS!

(A MAN WITH TWO SEPARATE EYEBROWS, UNLIKE THE OTHER GUY,
PUTS A QUARTER INTO A COOLER-LOOKING GUMBALL MACHINE FILLED
WITH HAMSTERS.  IT DISPENSES A CUP, DROPS A HAMSTER INTO IT,
AND THEN SPRAYS THE CUP FULL OF WHIPPED CREAM AND A ROBOTIC
ARM GENTLY PLACES A CHERRY ON TOP.  MUFFLED HAMSTER SQUEALS
CAN BE HEARD FROM UNDER THE WHIPPED CREAM.  THE GUY PICKS
UP THE CUP AND SMILES.  SUPERIMPOSE A LARGE GREEN CHECK MARK
THAT GOES "DING!" ON HIS HEAD TO MAKE HIM LOOK SMART.)

        SPOT
        I would buy that!

        MATT McIRVIN
        That's right, you would!

        SPOT
        But I've had enough of this burlax door.
        Arrrrf... can I get a REGULAR burlap door?

        MATT McIRVIN
        No, Spot, because then you'll never grow
        up to be President... of Burlax Door Land.

        SPOT
        Arf!  Arf!  Yippee!  Burlax doors!
        Burlax doors!

        MATT McIRVIN
        (sipping from a cup)
        And try tasty new Hamster In A Cup.
        It's hamsteriffic!

(FADE TO FLUORESCENT MAGENTA.)


> >           To launder Burlax, it must be washed in melted butter.
> 
> Could you clarify that?

Ghee, no.

                            -- K.

                            CNN Headline News is telling me that
                            burning the end of a candle which is a foot
                            away from the other end of the candle which
                            is jammed into my ear canal will magically
                            make ear wax go away but the mean ol' government
                            says that "ear candles" DON'T WORK!
                            Because of this we must impeach Clinton!
                            And we must do it by sticking a giant candle
                            into the East Wing of the White House until
                            the candle makes him vanish!