Date: Fri, 28 Dec 2001 22:58:06 -0500
Subject: Re: New blue food!  In convenient slime form!
Status: R

In alt.religion.kibology, kibo@world.std.com wrote:

Remember I complained that they make red curry and yellow curry and
green curry but not blue curry?  And now they make green ketchup
and purple ketchup but not blue ketchup?

Well, I was strolling through the supermarket after a hard day at work
yesterday, and lo and behold, I saw a cyan squeeze bottle...

BLUE PARKAY.

The bottle immediately started following me around the supermarket
squealing "Butter! ... Butter! ... Butter! ... Parkay!" and I said
"I don't want to buy you!  Give me one good reason why I should buy you!"
so it shouted "DYE! DYE! DYE!" as it chased me through the market.

Blue non-butter butter-flavored squeezable bread topping, or as the
labels puts it, "Parkay Fun Squeeze Buttery Taste That's Blue!"
And it's not just ANY blue!  It's "Electric Blue" according to the
lettering on a goopy blue swirl going in to the eyeball of a big
blue smiley face on an Eggo brand frozen toaster waffle-like shingle.

Oh, and in fine print, it further explains it's a "60% Vegetable Oil Spread".
I don't see any lard in the ingredients, so I assume the other 40% is
mineral oil, or possibly just harmless blue dye, you know, the sort
that doesn't hurt you at all when it makes your intestines fall out.

What were the members of the committee thinking when they engineered
this food-like topping whiz?

Theory #1:  "Hey!  We just discovered food coloring!  Now we can make
butter nuclear blue, because kids aren't eating enough butter!  No, wait,
blue butter would be GROSS.  We better just stick to blue FAKE butter!
That wouldn't be gross at all!  No one would even notice if we didn't
tell them we added one more chemical to the wholly artificial slurry!"

Theory #2:  "What's the other leading brand of margarine?  'Blue Bonnet'?
Well, let's beat them at their own game!  How can we get 'Blue' in the
name of our margarine?"

Theory #3:  "Ever since my head injury I've been having trouble remembering
which is the butter and which is the margarine!  We should make the
margarine look different!  It should look like the OPPOSITE of butter!"

Theory #4:  "OOPS!  ALL IODINE!"

And just to make it even more fun for kids, it comes in a squeeze bottle,
because stupid products like this are purchased only by deranged families
where the children aren't even allowed to have butter knives.  Either that
or perhaps the company is planning to add some glitter and sell this in
art-supply stores.

Actually, you know what the bottle looks like?  It's identical to the
Selsun Blue bottle.  Maybe if I rub butter-flavored grease into my hair
all day every day it'll prevent dandruff!

Still, I'm glad I bought a bottle of Electric Blue Parkay.  Now I can
throw out my old tin of Steam-Powered Blue Parkay.

Oh, and it doesn't taste blue.  It tastes like artificial butter slime.
If it tasted all sweet and raspberry-y, I'd probably like it.  But it
is very disturbing to try to eat something the color of Spock's shirt
which doesn't taste fun.  Sure, the Electric Blue Parkay is called
"Fun Squeeze", but I'd prefer Fun Taste.

                                           -- K.

                                              The things I have to taste
                                              just to impress you people.

                                              I hate you now.